Am I being thick ? Has he got another woman?

[Woofwoofwoff]

I don’t know if I’m totally missing something or if I’m reading too much into it, but over the last week or so , husband has been acting really weird.

we have been together for 20 odd years , 2 kids (18 and 15 ) and always got on relatively well

about a week ago I noticed he wasn’t sending me many messages (often got a hello beautiful or good morning message) and he hasn’t been very touchy feely for a few weeks

he’s working long long hours (definitely at work, have been to see him a time or too)

I asked him what’s up and he says he doesn’t know , but he isn’t his happy self and feels fed up.

he knows it’s upsetting me the lack of kisses and affection, so he’s been making an effort to hug me ect , but I can sort of tell it’s forced iyswim - it’s so so unlike the affectionate happy husband I have always known.

obviously I jumped to worst case scenario straight away, and last night when he was asleep I checked his phone - absolutely nothing incriminating (and tbh I always know where he is I don’t think he has time for someone else but something feels so off)

he says he’s happy at work (has been an issue in the past ) and we are the most financially stable we have ever been (not flush but all the bills are paid)

does this sound like it could be depression? Or am I being blind ?

other things to add…. Dd 18 is quite hard work at the moment and causes stress (but mainly to me it has to be said) and I have lost 125lb in the last two years (might not be relevant but I t did cross my mind that he didn’t fancy me any more)

honestly I have felt so secure with him for so long and was/ am looking forward to a near future where we have money and time to travel

38&39 years old

ps checked call logs , messages , what’s app and facebook/ messenger

Sounds to me like he’s just stressed and burnt out if he’s working so many hours. What do you both do for downtime at the weekends etc? Presumably you get time to just be together without the kids?

From my (thankfully limited) experience of me. Who cheat, I’ve seen they typically present as happier/more energetic so I wouldn’t automatically assuming he’s cheating. Good for you for checking his phone, and the lack of evidence there would also make me think it’s not another woman. Absolutely, no way of knowing for sure in the absence of evidence.

Sounds like he could be depressed? Any issues with erectile dysfunction, trouble sleeping, hygiene?

It's been effing hot. Saps energy and enthusiasm.

Weekends he tends to work , he does have tomorrow off and he likes to go to his allotment when he has a bit of time , but tbh this can also add to the stress as he doesn’t have the time he would like for it.

we have a weeks holiday in four weeks time , which hopefully will help.

yes to the erectile dysfunction. Its come and gone for the last 18 months, but has been really reluctant to visit a doctor ( it was better when he lost a couple of stone ) however he’s always been affectionate regardless.

i agree he’s working too much, but he’s very focused on giving us a better life and we do have limited savings/ some credit card debt and with everything going up I know why he feels pressured, I have also upped my work days to five so that we can get rid of the mortgage/ settle daughter at uni or wherever she ends up

you have put my mind at rest a bit

Tomorrow go to the allotment with him and help. Spend some time together and you might find he chats more easily there.

He’s 39 with ED? That seems awfully young? Does he have any other health issues?

What has made you think he's got another woman?

There's not one shred of evidence pointing to that.

He’s gone to his mums for a bit

What is ‘for a bit?’ An hour or two or to stay for a while? Are you ok?

I don’t know really a few days . I don’t know if I’m ok . Probably not .

Did he say why?

He doesn’t know how he’s feeling and wants to sort his head out.

it all feels very confusing to me

honestly our relationship has been so strong.

I wonder about depression but he says he’s going to wait another week and see how he feels before going to a doctor - which pisses me off tbh

he wasn’t going to go to his mums yet but I said I didn’t want to be dangled along and tbf I could feel myself getting angry , so it was a good call in the moment before any argument started I suppose

Did you try and talk to him about how you’re feeling and he’s just went off to his mums ?
if that’s the case be very wary!

Honestly 99% of men who are happy to leave their house have a secret.

At this point he would rather leave than discuss it

Its probably the weather

Op your intuition has done you a good service here. Something is going on, you’ve seen it, you’ve asked….but, he isn’t telling. And now he’s gone to his mums? Has he really? Do you know his mother? Is he actually there?

i am fairly certain he’s at his mums , apart from any thing else he spent a few £ at the corner shop on her street, so I’m fairly confident that she will have sent him to get her baccy as soon as he got there , and he did send a message saying mum has said he can stay as long as he needs (bet she did 🙄) and he loved me 🤷‍♂️

my plan for tonight is just to do a few jobs , have a good shower and find a Netflix series to binge. I plan not to message him and see what tomorrow brings.

im trying not to let anger or sadness bubble up because it’s not helpful to anyone I suppose

what prompted going to his mums? Did you try and have a conversation about what was going on ?

sorry you’re going through this x

We have been chatting today about how he’s feeling , but tbh not really getting anywhere because he doesn’t know what’s wrong, and isn’t keen on going to the doctors yet . I had tried distraction and suggested we go out to the cinema/ out for tea but he just wanted to stare at the telly (very unlike him really which does still make me think depression)
he said his plan was to see how the week went , then if he was still feeling off go to his mums next week for a time out and head reset , and go to the doctors .
but I suppose I was letting hurt feelings get in the way and suggested he went now rather then dragging it out as it was making me feel rubbish and I was stating to feel angry.
ideally I would support him whatever but I felt hurt and annoyed and I don’t think anyone could have kept feelings out of that.

I don’t want this I want my husband at home and I have made it clear that’s what I want , so we can only see now .

the positives are we don’t have young kids to sort and share out .

I don't think he'd go to his mums because of the weather. It's all very strange behaviour OP, there's obviously something going on and it's really shitty that he won't tell you what it is and has chosen to run away instead.

Do you think he might have had his head turned at work if he's spending a lot of time there?

I think he’s seeing someone else unfortunately. I don’t mean for that to upset you, it’s just my opinion. I don’t really believe men do this sort of thing otherwise – even with depression.

Honestly I’m driving myself crazy with it . I would rather know tbh , least you could sort of draw a line under it and plan a next step .

I would be fibbing if I hadn’t had passing wobbles about our relationship over the last 20 years and wonder if that’s what I wanted for life , but it’s always been a fleeting moment/ mood , not bugger off to your mummy for a free holiday with no teenagers 🙄

You’re not even 40 and you’ve been together 20th years?! Maybe he’s bored? Or wondering how his life might have gone otherwise. You’re equally likely to wonder too

Yes been together since we were 16 . Married at 19/20

I appreciate it’s quite unusual

he’s been a fairly good husband and father (until about 3 weeks ago) no real complaints.