Am I being thick ? Has he got another woman?

[Woofwoofwoff]

I don’t know if I’m totally missing something or if I’m reading too much into it, but over the last week or so , husband has been acting really weird.

we have been together for 20 odd years , 2 kids (18 and 15 ) and always got on relatively well

about a week ago I noticed he wasn’t sending me many messages (often got a hello beautiful or good morning message) and he hasn’t been very touchy feely for a few weeks

he’s working long long hours (definitely at work, have been to see him a time or too)

I asked him what’s up and he says he doesn’t know , but he isn’t his happy self and feels fed up.

he knows it’s upsetting me the lack of kisses and affection, so he’s been making an effort to hug me ect , but I can sort of tell it’s forced iyswim - it’s so so unlike the affectionate happy husband I have always known.

obviously I jumped to worst case scenario straight away, and last night when he was asleep I checked his phone - absolutely nothing incriminating (and tbh I always know where he is I don’t think he has time for someone else but something feels so off)

he says he’s happy at work (has been an issue in the past ) and we are the most financially stable we have ever been (not flush but all the bills are paid)

does this sound like it could be depression? Or am I being blind ?

other things to add…. Dd 18 is quite hard work at the moment and causes stress (but mainly to me it has to be said) and I have lost 125lb in the last two years (might not be relevant but I t did cross my mind that he didn’t fancy me any more)

honestly I have felt so secure with him for so long and was/ am looking forward to a near future where we have money and time to travel

38&39 years old

ps checked call logs , messages , what’s app and facebook/ messenger

He just sounds stressed. Contrary to MN opinions, not everything involves affairs.

Reading about how your DH is, it feels similar to what I've been through.

I didn't recognise it as depression and I didn't feel like going to the doctor's as what would I say? I didn't even know myself so how would talking to anyone/to a doctor help. I was living on autopilot and didn't know why. I didn't have any answers, it was just a hollow feeling mixed with a feeling of not being able to mentally breathe, wanting to escape but to escape what? Nothing had happened really. I can't even remember what brought mine on.

Could it be boredom? I'm trying to think of what was happening at the time I went through it. He has the holiday to look forward to but if the days all just blend into one, nothing exciting, nothing interesting, just work, maybe often hearing you vent about dd, he's maybe just got stuck in the hundrum of ordinary life. It took a while to pull myself out of it but that only happened when I annoyed myself so much at feeling nothing. I can't even remember much about that time tbh, I was so closed off. There was never anyone else on my mind, it was just nothingness and everything felt pointless, as my baseline emotion was just living on autopilot.

I'd say give him time. Some people find it hard to break down what's happening deep down. I'm into psychology so could think in ways that helped me to question myself. I know it's difficult to be the one on the outside but for the sake of your sanity, it doesn't sound like affair material to me. Sounds like he's just lost within himself and there's only him that can find himself again.

Where that leaves you, I don't know, just cope how you can and see what each day brings you. You'll know how much you can offer him and how much you can deal with to preserve your own mental health. I hope he gets himself back on track soon and you pull back together again.

You said in the op that you lost 125 lb in two years (wow!).
Could he be worried about his own health and midlife stuff? That must be a profound change in lifestyle (for you). How is his health?
Although I guess he's had two years to react to all that and this is sudden...

Thank you.
I will keep my eyes open, but I really also don’t think affair.

I’ll support best I can . He’s had a nice day with his mum (who coincidentally is encouraging him to go to the doctors and to come home) and he’s off to work shortly. He says the day off has been helpful whatever that means.

I am glad we haven’t had a big row about anything as far as I know , nothing nasty or unkind has happened/ been said

so that should stand us in good stead to either sort it out or split very cordially (worst case and not what I want at all ) but their wouldn’t be any custody to sort out (fall out over ) and he’s been my other half (and a fairly good one ) since I was 16 . I keep reminding myself of that

His health is ok ish - but the bugger would have to have a missing limb to go see a doctor.

he’s a few stone overweight (not massively noticeable) and he could do with a bit more exercise.

he’s had erection difficulties on and off for the past 2 years. He had the snip very young 26 ? I think he was

but apart from that he’s been healthy

What is your gut telling you? I ignored the gut feeling when my ex was cheating, I knew something was wrong but he gaslit me into thinking I was crazy. I never thought he’d cheat on me either

I don’t think cheating, but I don’t want to be blind to it.

interestingly I feel very calm about it all this evening (which is nice after the initial upset)

I’ll support where I can but I can’t force him to do anything and actually he can stop at his mums indefinitely without it costing more then food and a bit of board so we can take time over this

one day at a time

I would say - as gently as possible - maybe brace yourself for the possibility of an affair. There are many, many women here on mumsnet who would testify that they had had no idea that their husband was cheating, and that it came out of nowhere like a bolt from the blue. He is unlikely to have suddenly been gripped by the urge to renounce the world and to go and meditate in a cave in the Himalayas. The simplest, most prosaic explanation is likely to be the correct one, OP. I really feel for you if that is the case. It sucks

He told you what's wrong with him. Support him instead of making it about your paranoia and what you want.

Well you have no idea if it’s ’bullshit’ because you don’t know the guy, so your thoughts on the matter are as good as mine.

I dealt with depression of my husband for 6 years. Went to counselling with him for 2 years. My best friend is a therapist. Her husband also suffers with depression periodically. I have a fully empathetic view of depression in men.

Someone is allowed to see red flag in the way OP’s husband is presenting.

No empty meaningless words, fluff, and buzzwords. State the thing that is "red flag" and not depression, and shouldn't be seen as depression from your great knowledge and only seen as red flag.

Asking what ‘is not depression’ is a non-sequitur. The red flags that overlap with infidelity are:

– a sudden withdrawal of affection
– emotional distance
– connection feeling forced
– saying ‘I don’t know what’s wrong’ and ‘wants to clear his head’.
– OP’s intuition
– reporting happiness at work, despite sudden withdrawal, question over burnout and work unhappiness are coming from OP, not from him.

And the biggest red flag of all is wilfully and initiating leaving the family home.

Depressive symptoms in men are more likely to be – anger and irritability, substance abuse, unexplained physical such as headaches and digestive pain.

Put together with the fact that onset of depression peaks in early adulthood for men, then it’s my opinion that OP should have her wits about her. I’m not telling her to accuse, she can wait to see how the situation unfolds.

You don’t have to agree with me, so don’t – I’m not fussed.

Second phone. Cherchez la femme

If he was cheating he would be paying you more attention as a cover, mine did at that age, ED wasn't his problem it was too much E, it was a brainless tart in the office, it stopped and hasn't happened again.

I think yours is depressed, and feeling inadequate, work is too much for him, thats hard for a man to admit, are you sure he's not in debt or gambling, who controls the finances?.

Yes this. ^ Sadly, with the way the OP's husband is behaving, it's showing classic signs of an affair. I hope we're all wrong.

Very much a joint in control of finances, it goes into one pot and we divvy it up from there . The only thing I can’t actively see without him showing me is his credit card (that had £600 on it when I saw last month ) and his Lisa - that we deposit £50 a month into.

I really don’t have any reason to be suspicious but something isn’t adding up.

hes coming to see me tomorrow after work so let’s see what that brings.

honestly if he had maxed out a credit card or something at least it’s something we can try solve

there is definitely something he is worried about. It may be another woman, it may be money, may be health who knows? Going to his mums does not solve the problem so it is something at home that is bothering him. I think you need to do more digging!

Agree, there's something he isn't telling you. It will come out in the round but the longer it takes the les chance you have of saving things. He's not moved out because he's depressed, but he may be depressed because of whatever is going on.

I have known 2 men around the age your husband is experiencing very similar issues. Both had to be shoehorned into Drs and both had low testosterone levels. It can cause ED, increased stress, low moods depression, brain fog, fatigue etc one of them completely checked out of his job etc had to be signed off until he got the treatment he needed. Problem is many men struggle with health anxiety and Drs so avoid seeking help. Menopause is talked about now but men’s hormones drop as they age too but not much is said about that.

It sounds like he is maybe down and stuck in a rut. He definitely should reach out and speak to someone about it.

Some cheaters may pay wife more attention as a cover.
It’s also very common for cheaters to distance self from wife, find fault and criticise them. This helps them justify why they’re having the affair and eases their guilt.
”it’s no wonder I’m having an affair, me and wife are always arguing, she’s always nagging, our marriage is broken, im not happy ……. “

The poster who mentioned low testosterone above sounds like she is on to something! Our women's network at work hosted a talk on this (andropause). It is much rarer than menopause symptoms but it all fits!

About that weight you lost, this is just clutching at straws, but do you talk a lot about what you are eating, what you're not eating, what he should eat, latest news on the diet front? Maybe not, but some people do with successful weight loss and it could be driving him crazy but he doesn't want to sound as though he's discouraging you!

Hope all is well.

It’s in the middle

he came home today after he finished work, cooked tea and we had a good chat .
then he’s taken the youngest to his club.

the poster further up seems to have nailed it so far , busy , tired , overwhelmed and feeling unappreciated, feels he has no say or time to himself and it’s very stressful at home.

we offered up some different solutions. I mean it’s only a first chat but it seemed positive. He did apologise for how he had handled it. I know none of us are perfect but I do think he could have gone about it better.

it has taught me a valuable lesson though. I truly thought we were so very unshakeable but obviously not.

I’ll keep everyone updated as time passes. There obviously could still be more to it.