Am I being thick ? Has he got another woman?

[Woofwoofwoff]

I don’t know if I’m totally missing something or if I’m reading too much into it, but over the last week or so , husband has been acting really weird.

we have been together for 20 odd years , 2 kids (18 and 15 ) and always got on relatively well

about a week ago I noticed he wasn’t sending me many messages (often got a hello beautiful or good morning message) and he hasn’t been very touchy feely for a few weeks

he’s working long long hours (definitely at work, have been to see him a time or too)

I asked him what’s up and he says he doesn’t know , but he isn’t his happy self and feels fed up.

he knows it’s upsetting me the lack of kisses and affection, so he’s been making an effort to hug me ect , but I can sort of tell it’s forced iyswim - it’s so so unlike the affectionate happy husband I have always known.

obviously I jumped to worst case scenario straight away, and last night when he was asleep I checked his phone - absolutely nothing incriminating (and tbh I always know where he is I don’t think he has time for someone else but something feels so off)

he says he’s happy at work (has been an issue in the past ) and we are the most financially stable we have ever been (not flush but all the bills are paid)

does this sound like it could be depression? Or am I being blind ?

other things to add…. Dd 18 is quite hard work at the moment and causes stress (but mainly to me it has to be said) and I have lost 125lb in the last two years (might not be relevant but I t did cross my mind that he didn’t fancy me any more)

honestly I have felt so secure with him for so long and was/ am looking forward to a near future where we have money and time to travel

38&39 years old

ps checked call logs , messages , what’s app and facebook/ messenger

Could he be in debt or something like that? In a past relationship, an ex had a bad gambling habit and went all weird. Could it be something like that? Or illness?

Honestly I’m at a total loss.

re the gambling I went on to his credit report and couldn’t see anything odd so don’t think it’s that

sort of wish I could look into the future and be able to say it’s this ! Mystery solved!
or that he’d done it in a different way so I genuinely didn’t realise (for example his mum has just come out of a bad relationship, he could have easily said she needed him and stopped for a night or two and I would have been none the wiser. )

im swinging from devastation to anger to it will all be sorted in a few days 🤷‍♂️

Does he have any close friends you could ask?

Ohh friends could be a good idea…. I wouldn’t say he has lots of close heart to heart type friends… a few mates one I could ask . Suppose I’m a bit reluctant incase it all blows over in a day or two to involve others , but I’ll keep the idea in mind

Do you have friends, OP? You need an active support network.

Sorry OP but in my experience, when men do the 'I don't know how I feel' and 'I don't know what I want' - it usually means they've had their head turned by someone. I hope that's not the case for you but bear it in mind and don't let him take the piss and mess you about.

Maybe he wants more out of life? Do you?
It's a bit odd you sent him to his mum's as a first step, you don't seem very sympathetic. It's like he's malfunctioning so you've sent him away.

A couple of friends not many, I did briefly consider messaging one of them this evening then thought better of it.

if I’m honest I don’t have a huge support system.

I do have my mum but she’s quite hard work , and I don’t have any answers to give her that she will ask for.

I suppose that’s why I’m posting on here . It does help keep you sane

I appreciate that I’m maybe not completely making sense but I’m probably not thinking very clearly

Midlife crisis is a thing. It doesn’t need to mean affairs & sports cars. It’s more an emotional thing wondering how life could have been different.

DH does sound depressed to me but I think the time away is a good thing. Will hopefully help him get his head straight. DH & I also got together at young ages & had 12 months living apart in our early 40s. We’re stronger than ever now in our 50s. It’s a process lots go through.

I sincerely doubt he’s having an affair OP .
If he was after meeting someone new he’d be full of the joys, it would be new & exciting .
He sounds depressed to me , he’s putting off the doctors cause you know what men are like !.
He’s finding these emotions hard to deal with , so he’s pushing you away .
He’s trying to make sense of it in his head & feeling overwhelmed.
I’d send him a text if I were you to say you’re there for him, & not to feel he has to do this on his own .
I get why you told him to go to his mom’s now OP & not next week , but he might interpret that as , “ She just won’t understand this “ .
Make sure you let him know you will understand.
Best of luck with it all .

It didn’t feel like a first step at the time.

I do hear your point about not being sympathetic. I have also thought I should be supportive of his struggles.

but it felt so personal, like his problem was with me (and in his defence he did say he didn’t know what the problem was exactly) but he didn’t want to help himself and i was getting angry. And wondering if i was being played for a mug

as for more out of life I think we are doing ok and definitely looking forward to the near future of more freedom and travelling.

we both had turbulent childhoods and it was always really important that we had a settled home for us and the kids (and actually they have always had that )

Thank you that’s really helpful

he said his plan was to see how the week went , then if he was still feeling off go to his mums next week for a time out and head reset , and go to the doctors

I understand that depression affects everyone differently, and he’s saying he doesn’t know why he’s feeling this way, but he seems to have identified that the thing he wants to get away from is in the family home. I’m not saying it’s you; it could just be that he’s struggling to cope with being husband and dad. But he doesn’t be seeking to avoid any other area of his life, which suggests to me he knows exactly what the problem is; he just doesn’t want to tell you.

As difficult as it sounds, I think you should start thinking about gathering support around you. I expect you’re probably feeling like you don’t want to tell anyone in case he’s back in a week and everything is normal again, but I suspect you might have a real problem here, and you need support.

ETA, I took so long to post that I missed your update about not having a big support network. I can see why you wouldn’t want to talk to your mum in that case 💐

If it gets really bad I can talk to my mum . It just wouldn’t be first choice cause it sort of feels like adding another layer of stress!

What is his job situation like? Is it stable? Sorry if you’ve already said.

Yes , he completely changed his career three years ago, and tbh he’s taken to his new role very well . He’s pleased with the extra money and he was promoted not so long ago . He does do a bit to much overtime imo

he did have a little ‘telling off’ if you like about a month ago, I did question if that had started something, but he says not as he wasnt overly concerned (bit of an accident and it happens in his job) and it’s all behind him now 🤷‍♂️

OP I am really sorry if this sounds narky

But

You have debt and he works long works to pay it off - yet you have recently upped your hours to 5d a week?

So despite your kids being basically grown up, you were working PT and expecting him to service a (presumably) joint debt?

And despite having zero evidence he was cheating, you jumped at the chance to go through his phone, all his calls, everything?

I mean if I am wrong then sorry. But if it is as described, I'd not want to be in a relationship like that.

So he's gone off and you get to parent and run the home while mil tends to him?when he gets back announce you have booked a hotel for the same nights..

Bloody man child.

❤️

I doubt that there is an OW.
I would suspect that he is worried about the ED and possibly other symptoms that he hasn't told you about. He doesn't want to see a doctor because he would rather stick his head in the sand and he doesn't want to talk to you about it because, then he can't pretend it's not happening.

Straight up, I'm not young like you lot. I've been married three times in my life and I've had quite a lot more trips around the sun.
Men are ridiculous...your husband is not having an affair. He is acting like most men once they reach almost 40. They really don't grow up, and this is why we women live longer.. usually because we end up strangling them.
He is bored, worried about money, tired and if your teenage daughter is being a mare, then that is not helping. I'm not sure what her problem is. But it's got to be affecting him too. She needs to get her act together and realise she is rocking the boat. I hope for all your sakes she sorts herself out.
One valuable lesson I have learnt over 3 marriages is once you ask what is wrong, and they "don't know"...leave them to figure it out. Don't keep on at him. It's quite likely that he is finding it hard to articulate frustration and feeling s bit used and abused. Remember men are not made like us.
My honest advice. Go and see him. Tell him how much you appreciate him and miss him. Tell him when he is ready, to come home. Lie if you have to, but don't add to his stress by nagging.
I wish you well.

It’s historically just about worked for us me working 4 days a week, I briefly mentioned that the eldest had been hard work - lots of school refusing as she got to high school and calls from school to come and collect her. Honestly there was some weeks so stressful that I didn’t even think I could continue working at all and help support her . I did mostly get in my full time hours in those four days it wasn’t like I have been a kept woman !

I do appreciate that I’m probably not being the most coherent at the moment and you guys are getting a garbled snapshot of my life.

for what it’s worth I’m 95% sure there isn’t someone else, but I don’t want to be blind to the possibility either

it’s an impossible situation to be objective in .

Thank you .

Op be very careful, this could be anything, jumping to the worst (cheating or gambling) will drive you crazy and suck the trust out. It does sound like he has a lot on then add the heat to it and it could be a dip in mood just due to life. He could ‘just’ be exhausted/ depressed (not trying to diminish it)

No I totally appreciate different perspectives, and it’s a really good way to keep me sane and not spiral.

I will add that I haven’t directly accused him of anything , and actually we haven’t had a row over it either .

I regret that I agreed with his go to mum plan so quickly, and I need to give him a little bit more space (hard once the panic has set in) however it has been good to try think everything through without getting mad with each other.

we have exchanged a handful of messages this evening, but tbh it was me initiating them , so I have sent a general support here when you are ready message and plan to leave him too it tomorrow.

I appreciate everyone’s thoughts and support. If nothing else it’s added perspective and distraction tonight 💕