Am I being thick ? Has he got another woman?

[Woofwoofwoff]

I don’t know if I’m totally missing something or if I’m reading too much into it, but over the last week or so , husband has been acting really weird.

we have been together for 20 odd years , 2 kids (18 and 15 ) and always got on relatively well

about a week ago I noticed he wasn’t sending me many messages (often got a hello beautiful or good morning message) and he hasn’t been very touchy feely for a few weeks

he’s working long long hours (definitely at work, have been to see him a time or too)

I asked him what’s up and he says he doesn’t know , but he isn’t his happy self and feels fed up.

he knows it’s upsetting me the lack of kisses and affection, so he’s been making an effort to hug me ect , but I can sort of tell it’s forced iyswim - it’s so so unlike the affectionate happy husband I have always known.

obviously I jumped to worst case scenario straight away, and last night when he was asleep I checked his phone - absolutely nothing incriminating (and tbh I always know where he is I don’t think he has time for someone else but something feels so off)

he says he’s happy at work (has been an issue in the past ) and we are the most financially stable we have ever been (not flush but all the bills are paid)

does this sound like it could be depression? Or am I being blind ?

other things to add…. Dd 18 is quite hard work at the moment and causes stress (but mainly to me it has to be said) and I have lost 125lb in the last two years (might not be relevant but I t did cross my mind that he didn’t fancy me any more)

honestly I have felt so secure with him for so long and was/ am looking forward to a near future where we have money and time to travel

38&39 years old

ps checked call logs , messages , what’s app and facebook/ messenger

It’s just so sad this is ment to be our time .

hopefully daughter things will settle down soon . She needs to quickly complete 20 hours placement to complete her level 3 award - then tbh I can ignore a lot of what she’s doing (fast approaching 19) and be here for support. She does work a few days a week as well so it’s not hopeless but there is definitely a party lifestyle happening and complete lack of direction for the future (but once her level 3 is done if she needs some time to find her way fine )

Your time is not just yet, maybe you have raised expectations right now. Once she is financially secure and out the house, you can move and not leave a forwarding address 😂 im sure that this is adding to his stress. You say she tends to be difficult more with you than him. Do you defend her behaviour or allow yourself to be cheeked by her. This might also be causing him distress. As you say, we know next to nothing of your family dynamic so forgive the interference.

Thing is I'm sure he is just taking a breather. Don't beat yourself up for telling him to go to mummy now. Of course you would. He's not doing you favours by hanging about like a wet weekend while he decides if he goes or stays. That's emotional blackmail and not very nice.
On a scale of awfulness teenagers are even worse that miserable husbands so I really feel for you. It's the lot of women to hold it all together while all around you fall apart. That's why we are tougher and wiser than men.
You did say earlier that you considered calling his friend. please do not do this. Im begging you. His friend will be about as sensitive as he is. They don't "get" it.
In a weeks time, with any luck he will realise that all that was bothering him was that his favourite marrow on his allotment is not growing fast enough.
Bless you, you will be just fine. Just be the grown up, and let us know when you realise we were right.

i think sometimes your that used to the partner that you then drift with messages etc at times im similar sometimes we will chat and reply other days its zz even when we first started chatting it was 10+ messages etc

That did make me laugh 😆 he’s actually really annoyed his peas haven’t taken this year - mice have been blamed .

I get the brunt of the eldest because I’m about a bit more , I’m the one that had the morning arguments getting her to school and college- he has long since gone to work . Also her coming in at all hours wakes me up as light sleeper - he’s blissfully unaware snoring away - so I’ll have the conversation with her the next day , where as he’s less inclined as simply doesn’t affect him and he’s working under the ‘she’s an adult’ theory. In addition he’s pretty blase about her finishing her course . Where as I’m adamant she will finish (two years of hard work !) he just says oh on her own head be it. - understandable half way through a course, but not near the end FFS 🙄

You seem to be pressuring him because you want an answer.

going through his phone like that was wrong. Why do you not trust him? Thats a bigger issue right now, would he forgive you for the massive loss of trust?

You are pushing him away with your actions because you feel insecure

Oh what a night. Did manage to get some sleep but woke up every couple of hours. Feel very sad this morning.

im trying to leave him to contact me. Patience is not a strong point!

daughter came home about 5 this morning 🙄 did feel slightly guilty as I hadn’t realised she hadn’t made it home yet. She did give me a cuddle but I have really played it down nice and relaxed, daddy has just gone to grandmas for a few days

im used to spending weekends by myself, but I’m honestly shocked at how this week has changed so much

Spoken to him this morning, very pleasant conversation, his mum has told him to go to the doctor as well but he’s still not keen.
he’s going to collect his mums cats from the vets and go on a dog walk with her today, then he’s changing a bulb in the oldests car for them .
asked him if he was glad/ felt relieved he was having time at his mums and he said he doesn’t know either way , doesn’t feel anything about it.

hon not sure what I’m meant to do with it all

I'm going against the grain a bit here @Woofwoofwoff Of course there is something wrong. No man just gets all 'funny' and 'quiet' and 'moody' for no reason.

It has to be said, you settled down very young (18 & 19,) and had children quickly, so IMO, it's likely he is at a crossroads where he feels disenchanted with life, and wonders what could have been. He has been committed to a family/children since he was virtually still in his teens. (So have you, but clearly he and you are different people.)

He may not have met someone else, but this is danger territory, (when he's acting all moody and distant.) And the rot can set in on a marriage, when the man gets bored with his life with his wife and children, and makes excuses to keep bailing on family things, and spends more time away at 'work' and with his hobbies (and mates.) Another woman is often involved eventually. Not saying always, but often. He always has an excuse for being quiet and distant and spending more time away from his family. There is never no reason for a man acting this way... Sometimes it is another woman.

Having ED at 39 is quite unusual, most men typically won't get it til around mid to late 40s. (Although having it at 39 isn't impossible.) With all the other stuff going on though, I am a bit concerned that it is because he doesn't want sex. And why does a man of only 39 not want sex with his wife? IME it's often because he is either getting it somewhere else, or he is attracted to someone else.

People are making excuses about how he could be having a hard time at work, or how it may be 'the heat,' but both myself, and my DH have both these problems, as do most others, and we haven't been going cold and distant on our partner, we've just been moaning and griping! (About the heat/work/whatever!)

Sadly, there is no solid piece of advice that anyone can give you, but all you can do is talk to him, and tell him that you have noticed he's been quiet and distant, and he needs to stop telling you there's nothing wrong. No point asking if there's another woman, because if there is, he will deny it, but I think you need to accept this may be a possibility.

I would honestly start looking for any signs that another woman is involved, even if that means trying to look at his phone, or in his pockets. I know some posters will say 'what a terrible thing to suggest! You should trust your own HUSBAND!' But we all know that's bullshit. Men cheat, men lie, and the only way they will come clean is when they're caught.

If there's nothing to hide, then the OP won't find anything will she? Once she's ruled out another woman (and I hope she does rule that out!) she can keep trying to find out what is bothering him. She needs to know. She's his wife FFS!

Your daughter is the age your were when you got together. I wonder if seeing her freedom and party lifestyle is making him reflect on what could have been? Not an excuse for moody behaviour but it happens to us all at times - how life may have worked out differently. But it sounds like your daughter is a bit of an in your face reminder all the time atm.

The poor guy, just give him a bit of time and space. People can get burnt out at work, and with life, and it just creates more pressure if he feels checked up on.

Men starting an affair are not always full of joy in front of the wife.
At the very start, my husband started pushing me away emotionally till the point that I simply could not communicate or connect with him on any level.
Stopped the daily messaging and calls.
Stopped the hugs and small shows of affection.
We had teenagers stresses too, he switched off from them.
Picked fault with me over silly things.
It made it much easier for him to conduct the affair without feeling guilty. The distance between us got wider and wider. (We’d been together 20+ years.
I can remember clearly feeling the shift from him, at the exact time he started the affair.
Unfortunately, I trusted him completely, he wasn’t the type to have an affair (😢)
He struggled with ED and refused to discuss it with me.
Fast forward, I discovered he’d been having a full on affair for over 4 years with OW at work and using Viagra. (Daytime hotel uses)
If yr husband is at the early stages of an affair, that could explain why you’ve not found anything on his phone + it’s so very easy to just delete, delete, delete.
Is he spending more time on his phone ???
I hope it’s not an affair however please don’t do what I did and dismiss that idea.
Best wishes 💐

@Iwillcomeouttheotherend I totally agree with you. Men don't suddenly become 'lovely' and 'attentive' and 'nice' (with their wife) when they're having an affair, (or thinking of having one!) They get moody and sullen and distant, and as you say, they find fault with everything you do and say, and with things like how you're dressed, or your hair, if you ask if you look OK, he says 'I suppose so, what you asking me for?' Talks to you half turned away, no eye contact, irritated by your presence.

Snappy, sullen, argumentative, zero affection. even picking fights with the children - shouting at them for nothing, deliberately causing arguments with anyone in the house..... Highly critical: slagging off the meals you've cooked him, telling you that you're filling the shopping trolley 'incorrectly,' bitching at you for turning the heating up when it's January and 3 degrees C outside, and wasting ten quid on a 'stupid fucking top' and not clearing it with him first that you were going to buy it....... Etc etc etc... Just constant misery and moaning and a face like a slapped arse.

i think it's very few men who become nicer and more attentive with their wife, when they've got another woman/when they're having an affair.

Funny how men rarely leave their wives though isn't it? 🤔

I have no idea what is going on/ any further updates.

spending the day trying and failing to distract myself.

he did say this morning on the phone call that there’s no need to be scared he’s hopeful he can sort it .

I know he’s working overnight and tomorrow he’s taking the youngest to his after school clubs . I’m just leaving him to it atm

What is pissing me off is facebook has now suddenly changed to divorce adds/ quotes and how to tell the children guides !

big brother is watching!

I think he's checked out and is getting his ducks in a row. Most likely someone's turned his head.

I wonder if he is ill @Woofwoofwoff?

Or maybe he has some strange symptoms that he is worried about but won’t face it by going to the doctors?

You say he suffers ED - Does he drink a lot? Smoke? Is overweight?

There's definitely someone else. Anyone who thinks otherwise is deluded. Sorry OP

I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s really just general stress, I’ve been having a bit of a rough patch with DD and it’s certainly affecting my relationship, and DP isn’t even a stepfather… It just poisons the overall mood.

I’d probably do a bit more digging just to be sure. Have you checked the most used apps, hidden apps and notes folder? I had no idea people cheated through notes until it happened to me…… my friend’s husband cheats through… bank transfers 😭 he’d send £1 and that was the OW sign to meet up without exchanging texts.

Re:erectile dysfunction- he doesn’t need to go to doctors, he can get an online prescription through Numan or similar.

he sounds worn out though, maybe not looking forward to turning 40. I’m about to hit it with an 18 year old too, and I’m not too impressed about it.

Also is he staying up all hours watching football? That will make him tired and lines up time wise

Not sure he can say.the same, if the time when it comes to the sickness and health part actually turning up and he isn't doing well and might need support, you turn on him instantly, search his phones, breach his trust, and label it being not a good husband anymore.

You wanted a Netflix distraction - Series called Evil. Supernatural thing. Priest, (good looking chap!) Female psychiatrist & a techy guy research hauntings/possessions/demonic situations on behalf of the Catholic church.
Easy watch, good story lines. Something different to get lost in.

Sorry about your situation. Hope you come out of it ok, whichever way it goes 💐

Thank you 🙏
that’s just what a need

Gosh that's odd. My DH never gets anything on his that I have been looking at, and I don't get anything related to the stuff he has been viewing.... Are you sure it's not you asking on here, or just mooching around the internet yourself that is driving these ads?

As has been said, do a bit more digging, and keep doing it. Even note the mileage on his car. So if he says he's been to work and the mileage there is 20 mile round trip, you will know something is up if the mileage is 40 miles, or just 3 miles, because it wouldn't add up. Check his phone whenever possible, keep searching for things in his pockets and bag or briefcase or wallet. Men tend to be a bit stupid sometimes, and slip up eventually. My friend caught her husband out when the stupid twat left a receipt for a meal for 2 in a fancy restaurant 30 miles away, in the bedside cabinet drawer, for an evening when he said he was at a late work meeting.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's heartbreaking and soul destroying.

As an aside @CoffeeBeansGalore thanks for that recommendation! 'Evil' on Netflix.

You're welcome 😊

Bullshit and this is why men can’t talk about being depressed. They get accused of having an affair.