So angry, daughter's prom and immature boyfriend

[RVectensian]

Honestly, I'm so upset on her behalf.

My daughter has her prom tonight. She has a lovely dress, and got her hair and nails done etc. Put a little make up on, quite natural.

Her boyfriend of a year is on holiday.

I thought she seemed subdued when we dropped her off, so I checked her messages.

Turns out all afternoon he's been making her feel bad for making so much effort, dropping in digs that she never makes that much effort for him, how she wear xyz clothes to see her friends and doesn't for him, then dropping off the radar for half an hour leaving her begging him to come back.

Then the classic 'obviously you don't care cause you're arguing back' type sentiment, and 'if you really meant that you'd have made changes sooner'. "I'm just ruining your night, I'll go now. I feel sick about this, I'm so worthless" etc.

She was putting her case back across but there was lots of "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel that way, I'll put more effort in to myself" 🤬 etc.

I'm so, so angry on her behalf. I know the sick feeling when something like this is hanging over you, checking for replies all the time etc, and it will have completely overshadowed her big night.

I genuinely thought he was a very loving, supportive boyfriend who seemed to cherish and admire her. Now I'm left wondering if he is normally like this, or if it is just immature insecurity cause he's away.

Tell her he’s pathetic and she doesn’t want to spend her life stroking his feelings because he’s got all the strength of a weak string.

People always say not to push her away from them but sometimes your parent showing you that the person is actually just a massive loser is necessary. I wish my mum had said something.

It’s not a good idea to talk to her dad. Just don’t do that. It won’t end well.

You have supported her, but I would be inclined to be more blunt. The type of messages he’s sent her - you have said things along the lines of “you deserve to celebrate without responsibility for someone else’s emotions etc”. Women can tolerate a lot of this shit and make excuses etc - but what you really need to be asking is: Would you have sent such manipulative/upsetting stuff if it was his special day. That is much more thought provoking.

Ruining special occasions and making other people’s stuff about yourself are hallmarks of narcissism. Narcissism isn’t fixable. You can either tell her this or she can learn it the hard way.

You need to state this stuff to her IMO and encourage her to consider ending this.

Ypu also don’t know what people are like behind closed doors. Maybe his nice dad behaves like this. Who knows. But these personality traits are horrible and she needs to get rid.

And also, her very nice messages back to him are signalling that the creeping nature of his abuse are tolerated. Call it abuse. Free her.

and get her to end it carefully. Perhaps a text when he’s landed back in the UK saying things are no longer working out. Don’t go calling out the narcissism etc.

I meant his dad, not her dad when I said not to talk to the dad

Welcome to the world of blokes. So many of them seem absolutely lovely to everybody and then become little shits to their partners as soon as the door is closed.

Men are more emotionally led than women are in my experience. Because the emotion comes from testosterone, it tends to present in a more impulsive and aggressive way which blokes do a really good job of justifying as the fault of the thing that triggered them.

What your daughter needs to hear is not that her boyfriend is a tw*t; she needs to hear that she’s lovable and fun and beautiful and good company and that there will definitely be other boys out there for her. She needs to know that she deserves a boyfriend who is her cheerleader and say she looks beautiful and fully supports the good things she does in her life.

You do that by setting up an atmosphere at home where you regularly tell each other how much you like spending time with them, how much fun they are, how attractive they all look and back that up with actions. She also needs to see you and your husband behaving in the way that you would want any boyfriend to behave towards her. If there’s any hint that your husband can be a bit tw*t too she might just assume that’s how men are.

Don’t focus on the boyfriend or what he did or didn’t do, focus on building the confidence of your daughter to make the right choices for herself that aren’t based on the fear that she’ll not get anyone else.