So angry, daughter's prom and immature boyfriend

[RVectensian]

Honestly, I'm so upset on her behalf.

My daughter has her prom tonight. She has a lovely dress, and got her hair and nails done etc. Put a little make up on, quite natural.

Her boyfriend of a year is on holiday.

I thought she seemed subdued when we dropped her off, so I checked her messages.

Turns out all afternoon he's been making her feel bad for making so much effort, dropping in digs that she never makes that much effort for him, how she wear xyz clothes to see her friends and doesn't for him, then dropping off the radar for half an hour leaving her begging him to come back.

Then the classic 'obviously you don't care cause you're arguing back' type sentiment, and 'if you really meant that you'd have made changes sooner'. "I'm just ruining your night, I'll go now. I feel sick about this, I'm so worthless" etc.

She was putting her case back across but there was lots of "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel that way, I'll put more effort in to myself" 🤬 etc.

I'm so, so angry on her behalf. I know the sick feeling when something like this is hanging over you, checking for replies all the time etc, and it will have completely overshadowed her big night.

I genuinely thought he was a very loving, supportive boyfriend who seemed to cherish and admire her. Now I'm left wondering if he is normally like this, or if it is just immature insecurity cause he's away.

Remind her that if someone genuinely loves you they want you to experience lovely things even if they can’t be there for them and this awful emotional blackmailing is just a way of controlling her and trying to ruin her experiences.

I would be worried more than angry.

I don't think you should let DH talk to the boy's parents

I just want to correct that to "I don't think your DH should talk to the boy's parents".

There's this crazy conviction on MN that women can "tell" their partners what to do or not do, when actually an exchange of opinions is the healthy way to communicate with other adults.

We can give our opinion, sure, and let them know how we would feel if they take a certain course of action, but we don't get to "let" or "allow" them to do anything.

'You and your daughter - and her dad if he's there too - need to sit down together and go through the text exchange'

No, they don't. They all know what's been said, over analysing won't help. This is part of life, the dd has to learn how to handle relationships if she is going to have them. She needs to dump him. Further analysing the comments that the op found will be humiliating and just ott.

The parents need to support the dd but also give her some privacy too.

You did right talking with her, your message was caring and loving. I wish my own mother had spoken up when I was in a bad relationship in my late teens, early 20s, I ended up on the receiving end of a very toxic, controlling relationship for years. My mother was a wonderful woman but she took advice from her sisters and friends about my relationship as she was worried and didn't know what to do and she was told to leave me to it that I was an adult and had to learn and experience things and she'd push me away, so she said nothing and of course regretted it when we did eventually speak about that relationship years later. I hope your dd will come to realise soon that this relationship is not good.

What a load of nonsense. This has nothing to do with it being a "prom". This shit has been happening since before school leaver's discos existed.

And why have you made this bit up?:

"It'll have been made worse by both of them ranting on Reddit or whatever for strangers to stir the pot, accusing her of things, and him of things"

And the government are planning to ban certain social media platforms for under 16s, not actual phones!

I do agree however, that with mobile phones the opportunity to constantly harass one another or withdraw contact suddenly (leaving people anxious and off balance) is very real.

I think your boyfriend doesn't sound all that great. He could easily have decided to have a bit more of a chill day, or even half a day to allow you to rest for a bit. It's your holiday, too!

what kind of things has he said to you about your eating in the past? Sometimes we don't notice behaviour if it's just under the radar, but we do begin to notice patterns. Keep an eye out.

one last thing; I wouldn't use the chub rub stick for my thighs (i am also obese, but working on it). I don't think they work too well. Roll on deodorant on one thigh is better - and cheaper! My absolute go to recommendation though, is chub rub shorts from snag tights. These are a game changer!!

I hope your next holiday away is more enjoyable for both of you. Maybe a trip like Barcelona, where you can combine beach and with walking with nice wine bars and tapas places in between x.

Is this a year 11 prom? Aren't they too young for all this drama? Glad my daughter and her friends didn't have boys spoiling their prom fun - they were just a big group of all girls together. You should really be discouraging all this playing at being adults - there's plenty of time for their lives to be ruined by idiot boys, she should be having fun with her friends

That's not just immature, it's borderline abusive in his language to her, saying she doesn't put the effort in for him, blackmailing her emotionally, sabotaging what should be a fun night. It's scary to be so manipulative so young, and I hope you impress upon her that that isn't normal and say what it is, toxic at best.

His behaviour is, in my experience, the way all abusive relationships start. Them acting as though they're insecure, upset when you're out looking pretty without them.

Before you know it, you're not allowed to wear makeup or dresses, not allowed male friends (or any friends at all in some cases), and not allowed to go out on your own.

But they're clever. They make it out like you're doing it to be kind to them, but that's not true. They're controlling.

She is better off without this one, right now.

It’s possible the boy is just immature, but if he doesn’t face it and grow out of it he’s headed towards becoming an abusive partner (as you seem to know already). You have handled the communication with your daughter so very well. Hopefully she reflects and hopefully so does he. Either way, she’s got great support from you by the sounds of it which can only help as she grows up.

Would she find this video helpful? It's by North Ards council about coercive control:

Sorry for what you are going through, that would be so tough on your daughter and stressful as a parent.

Absolutely
a lesson i am still trying to learn

he is a vile, controlling, jealous manipulator

the most important lesson she can take from this is it’s not her, it’s him

Did mamma forget to remind her of her worth? Instead of wasting time feeling sorry for her, explain to her what coercive control is, and how she should never put up with it!

I’d be worried about what he might be up to on holiday, but turning it into her fault if it ends up in a break up. I might be overthinking it. Even if I am, he still a horrible controlling prick. I hope you can help her see she shouldn’t be treated this way.

I’ve told my DDs that their partner should be their cheerleader. Anything less is not good enough. I don’t tend to interfere but if dd1’s partner did this I would speak to them and made our expectations clear. Coercion is not okay. It may well be over stepping but dad would speak to dh if he tried anything like this even after 22 years marriage.

Sorry what?

Sorry what what? I'm replying to the original poster.

He’s shaping up to be a right little abuser isn’t he. I would concentrate on educating your daughter on control, gaslighting etc.

If she were mine, I’d probably buy her the book In Control: Coercive Relationships and how they end in murder, but that’s just me

I wouldn’t go to his father, I feel like he’s just going to learn to hide his nastiness better

This is coercive control. Please get her into a counselling session with a professional where they can go through all of this.

Oops - you’re on the wrong thread!

DS1 had a girlfriend like this at the end of 6th form, and part of first year of uni.

He was basically her emotional regulation, a role her parents were more than happy for him to play.

He was distraught a couple of times, not knowing what to do, or how to help her.

We just did like you are doing - kept the channels of communication open, weren't outwardly critical of her behaviour, but just kept asking him how each episode left him feeling, and whether he thought this was normal in relationships.

It also helped that his sister was much more brutal about it, so he could hear both perspectives.

By mid-way through his first year, he was spending hours most evenings on the phone and socials trying to reassure her they were fine, and that she'd be ok (she'd chosen not to go to uni).

Eventually he just got fed up with how one-sided their relationship was, about how little she knew/cared about his study, his deadlines and his uni experience, and he broke it off.

He's abusive. And quite frankly I'd tell his mum. As a mum of boys, although much younger. I would want to know and I would see to it he learnt. You would want to know. Any decent mum would want to know. And you daughter NEEDS to know you do not suffer this abuse in silence.

He is enjoying himself tremendously.

Seeing her try to reassure him and continue to engage with him has filled his sails.

Bless her. I remember I bought my boyfriend a ticket to mine and he went to a strip club instead because he’d just turned 18. He wasn’t a good sort looking back.