So angry, daughter's prom and immature boyfriend

[RVectensian]

Honestly, I'm so upset on her behalf.

My daughter has her prom tonight. She has a lovely dress, and got her hair and nails done etc. Put a little make up on, quite natural.

Her boyfriend of a year is on holiday.

I thought she seemed subdued when we dropped her off, so I checked her messages.

Turns out all afternoon he's been making her feel bad for making so much effort, dropping in digs that she never makes that much effort for him, how she wear xyz clothes to see her friends and doesn't for him, then dropping off the radar for half an hour leaving her begging him to come back.

Then the classic 'obviously you don't care cause you're arguing back' type sentiment, and 'if you really meant that you'd have made changes sooner'. "I'm just ruining your night, I'll go now. I feel sick about this, I'm so worthless" etc.

She was putting her case back across but there was lots of "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel that way, I'll put more effort in to myself" 🤬 etc.

I'm so, so angry on her behalf. I know the sick feeling when something like this is hanging over you, checking for replies all the time etc, and it will have completely overshadowed her big night.

I genuinely thought he was a very loving, supportive boyfriend who seemed to cherish and admire her. Now I'm left wondering if he is normally like this, or if it is just immature insecurity cause he's away.

This. The daughter needs to deal with him. Parents getting involved could go horribly wrong.

Whenever one of my DC had a boy/girlfriend I thought was not behaving well I would ask them what advice they would give to their best friend whose B/GF was behaving like this.

Sometimes this can help them step outside the emotion and look at the behaviour more objectively. If they wouldn’t want their best friend treated this way then it rather makes the case. Whatever the reason for his behaviour, it shows a character I wouldn’t want around my DC.

Agree with PP about boosting esteem - when I rule the world assertiveness training for girls will be core curriculum.

I asked my DD20 what she thought. First thing she said was 'manosphere'. That he's seen shit online from 20+ yo 'influencers' chatting shit about things like this and how to pull 'their women into line'. 🤬 it's almost cult like.

Doesn't bode well for this generation does it 😠

He is a narcissist in the making she needs to run run run my daughter's first boyfriend was exactly the same ! He ruined every special day for her it still makes me mad prom exam day u name it he ruined it !
He also slowly but surely trie to turn her against us we just supported without saying to much she came to her senses eventually but Jesus I'll never forget that period of our lives !!! X

You and your daughter - and her dad if he's there too - need to sit down together and go through the text exchange.

You (and her dad) need to point out that her bf is an abusive little prick and that she deserves someone 100% better.

Show her exactly what each comment and silence on his part really mean. It all points to abuse based on his assumption that she is his property.

Tell her you understand why she felt she had to explain herself - it's because she was the victim of a sustained attack - and reassure her you're not criticizing her, but also tell her you want her to read the Lundy Bancroft book 'Why Does he do That? Inside the Minds if Angry and Controlling Men'. You can read it online as a pdf.

The habitual abuse starts in the teen years - look up the sobering stats on teen relationships and abuse.

She's going to resist the intrusion into her privacy, and feel humiliated that her private life is now being scrutinised and her troubles laid bare, but this is possibly going to be the most important conversation you as parents will ever have with your daughter.

Girls need more self respect. I agree with @mathanxiety- a good talk right now. It’s important. If a boy does this and she accepts his views, the future might present great problems.

Sorry, don't mean to derail, but 'this wouldn't have happened in the past before American proms crept in' is a massive pile of shite.

Teenage boys have been self centered narcissists obsessed with machismo since Neanderthals roamed the earth.

I can remember waiting at the door of my 16th birthday 4 decades ago. It was just for people my age with a few older cousins around to make sure there were no riots.
Bear in mind it was the 80’s so I was like a Christmas tree.
A few of my friends were there and a boy walked in who had said no to a date with a year before because I had a boyfriend who was still my boyfriend.
I was joking with him and asked if he liked me dress.
His reply? No, and your make up makes you
look like a cheap slag.
I ran to the loo and cried the whole lot off. My friend was furious and the face got repaired.
We didn’t tell anyone as he’d have been thrown out on his ear but I have never ever forgotten it.
We were in the same profession for a while and when I ran into him he always had something mean to say. Also spread a rumour that we’d slept together which nobody believed. This was years and years later.
I saw him at a party a couple of years ago with the female equivalent of an inflatable doll. Not here to judge her, whatever floats your boat, but he never met my eye.
I know the manosphere is pretty new but this was forty years ago. I did tell my boyfriend and he said well of course he’d say that, you wouldn’t be seen dead with that lanky streak of piss, would you?
That boyfriend is in Oz now and remains one of my closest friends as he champions me and encourages me. I can remember being really ill once, may hair was falling out, I was six stone, he walked into my bedroom and said….
Well if it isn’t Angelina fucking Jolie. With a huge smile.
These are the young men and men who
make our lives better.

Happened to me in 1985. I can still remember every detail of it. And when the offender was at an event I was at a couple of years ago I wanted to whack him with a few buffet bits.

My daughter had a boyfriend like this at the end of A Levels. They continued to go out over the next five months or so (he was away at university and she was on a gap year and working). His behaviour got worse and worse and I'm very pleased to say that she saw the light and dumped him. We had so many conversations about the things he was doing and saying and it took a while.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things so far. I wouldn't contact the parents, just keep being supportive and talking to her.

What are their plans for next year? If they are heading in different directions, it might be that a bit of time and distance sorts it out for you and her.

Agree.
This boy is well aware of his behaviour and the impact his attack/ silence style of communication had on your child, OP.

Please get DD to read the Lundy Bancroft book/ pdf. She will see this twat in the pages. She will also see the utter futility of trying to make the relationship work.

Your ultimate aim here needs to be the end of the relationship.

Be aware that abusers like to tie their victims to them by locking them into the sort of pressured dynamic you saw, where the victim tries hard to appease and reassure, and works hard to calm the storm by not seeing friends, not doing sport or hobbies, not applying to university, etc - but also by impregnating the victim.

You may have just seen the tip of the iceberg here.

Ask your daughter if this boy is pressing her for sex ('if you really cared...'/ 'prove you love me...'/ 'prove there's nobody else...') or has done in the past. Ask her about photos she might regret.

Bloody hell wish I'd had a parent like this! This is more advice rhan I recieved in a lifetime and its very good advice too.

My line is that love has to come with respect, else it's toxic.

Definitely do not allow your husband speak to his father.

You were 100% correct to deal with this as you did.

The boyfriend is not nice and shows signs of being controlling, manipulative and abusive.

I think you should look at age appropriate books about healthy relationships, because this isn't one.

Read up on the "boiled frog analogy", "the shark cage analogy".

This is not a healthy relationship.
I would indeed encourage her to be with friends, i wouldn't be facilitating the relationship in your home.

I wouldn't forgive him spoiling her night, not for a minute.

His behaviour is from the book of abusive behaviour, spoiling her evening with friends.

I would take this very seriously.

I don't think you know the real him at all.

Its way more than self respect. You actually have to have someone eg a parent giving you advice and telling you about red flags. I always had self respect but never got any advice so I fell into some situations that could easily have been avoided out of lack of knowledge/naivete.

@ OP, you're a fabulous mom.

I agree with PPs who've said to ask her how she'd react if a friend showed her messages like this from her BF. What would her advice be to her friend?

Ooh, he’s a wrong un and no mistake. He’s going to turn out horrible.

So instead of enjoying himself on holiday he is determined to ruin his girl friend's big night?

This is all wrong. Your job is to bolster her so she can come to the right decision herself, you don't need to criticise him, just make her see things so she makes the right decision herself. As for getting involved can back fire is basically just leaving her to this dickhead. A man who truly cares wants his girlfriend to feel amazing, not to question herself to make him feel the big man 🙄

I did point out to my 24 year old that the way his slightly younger girlfriend was behaving wasn't his problem to fix but hers. They are now over. It's our b to step in when it is needed.

Can you or her dad speak to the boyfriend along the lines of..."Y'know we read her messages....." or would this be awful to do?

I have to agree with this. Finish with the little turd.

My friends lovely 21 year old recently finished a 3 year relationship and my friend was so upset for him as he was a lovely lad and was in their home so much.

Turns out he wasn't so nice as it emerged he used to neg her daughter and talk down to her.

My friend was genuinely stunned.
She said after what she was told she couldn't look at him if she saw him.

You don't always know unfortunately.

I’d have to engineer a chance to have a subtle word with him. How did you feel about missing prom etc.

I'd be fuming. I'd probably had screenshot it all and sent it to his parents and ask them what they thought of this controlling behaviour.

He is trying his best to ruin the Prom for her...really nasty behaviour...