So angry, daughter's prom and immature boyfriend

[RVectensian]

Honestly, I'm so upset on her behalf.

My daughter has her prom tonight. She has a lovely dress, and got her hair and nails done etc. Put a little make up on, quite natural.

Her boyfriend of a year is on holiday.

I thought she seemed subdued when we dropped her off, so I checked her messages.

Turns out all afternoon he's been making her feel bad for making so much effort, dropping in digs that she never makes that much effort for him, how she wear xyz clothes to see her friends and doesn't for him, then dropping off the radar for half an hour leaving her begging him to come back.

Then the classic 'obviously you don't care cause you're arguing back' type sentiment, and 'if you really meant that you'd have made changes sooner'. "I'm just ruining your night, I'll go now. I feel sick about this, I'm so worthless" etc.

She was putting her case back across but there was lots of "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel that way, I'll put more effort in to myself" 🤬 etc.

I'm so, so angry on her behalf. I know the sick feeling when something like this is hanging over you, checking for replies all the time etc, and it will have completely overshadowed her big night.

I genuinely thought he was a very loving, supportive boyfriend who seemed to cherish and admire her. Now I'm left wondering if he is normally like this, or if it is just immature insecurity cause he's away.

I am by nature a really empathetic type who loves damaged men and wants to fix them. I have had to have absolutely ROCK SOLID boundaries so that I don't get exploited and walked over.

In this scenario I'd be like "I don't tolerate manipulation. If you're feeling insecure we can discuss it but don't ruin my special events".

God but they start young with coercive control. Is it in built or learned behaviour? She has to recognise this for what it is so she can spot the warning signs in the future. He needs to get in the bin.

At this age it feels most likely learned from the more toxic corners of the internet/social media, and hopefully equally easily unlearned. For older men it's more ingrained behaviour, nastier and harder to shift.

'DH wants to have a word with his dad (they get on well) when they get back from holiday, I'm unsure as to whether that is a good idea'

God no, absolutely don't do that.

Next time she seems subdued just start a conversation. 'What's wrong, you seem upset?'. If she's going to a prom she's what 16,17? I don’t think I'd be checking messages at that age. Try to be supportive without being so intense or else she's getting it from all sides.

Don’t be sad. Be angry. Make her VERY aware what he’s doing is emotional abuse. And not a thing she needs to act on. Teach her grey rocking, as in not replying. Not feeding into the drama of him.

At this age you really do not discuss concerns with parents of boyfriends.

I'd be encouraging her to dump him, that's it.

This isn't learned from the manosophere, that's not their MO. It's insecurity and his own feelings inadequacy, but my God it starts young, doesn't it.

The temptation to take that phone and write a message from your daughter saying ' I'm sorry but you're coming across really pathetic here and it's giving me the massive ick. if you were a proper boyfriend you'd be happy for me and hoping I have a good night, I don't think I want to be with someone who tries to make me feel bad'.then delete it.

But you can't, and you really shouldn't be reading her messages at that age either .

All you can do is let her know she can talk to you.

Great opportunity for her to learn to put herself first and ditch any man who tries to make her feel bad about it.

I was in your DD's situation when i was a teen. Always appologising for going out or doing something for myself etc. I could never enjoy myself.
Hid it from everyone, made out he was perfect. Anyway long story short it didn't take long for it to turn violent and when i finally ended it he stalked me for a while, ending in a restraining order.
I'm not saying this will happen but that is how it started.
Glad you have seen these messages so you can keep an eye on the situation.
It needs to be nipped in the bud now or she needs to leave him.
Your daughter deserves better

Feel so sorry for this generation. Would never have happened in the past-proms were American. It'll have been made worse by both of them ranting on Reddit or whatever for strangers to stir the pot, accusing her of things, and him of things-and before anyone says those of us in our 30s and 40s and beyond are on her doing this, yes, but at least we didn't have it as kids.
And in the past, when you were on holiday, you might have phoned your girlfriend once. Now, it's constant. Maybe if the government does ban phones for kids, the poor teenagers won't have to go through this. One relative only lets her sixthform son have a dumbphone for the bus, and she has no problems like this.

The little shit, how dare he? You did well staying really calm OP, and I would incredibly determined from here on to distance her from him. And I would absolutely speak to his parents - they need to know that he was manipulating her and ruined her night.

It’s probably a terrible idea for your DH to speak to the other father, but as the parent of a teenage son, I would absolutely want to know if my son was sending those messages and starting down the path of manipulative and controlling behaviours in a relationship. I appreciate some parents wouldn’t care or would be useless, but some would just be completely unaware as they wouldn’t necessarily see the signs in their own relationship with their child. I think if your DH and the father are friends, it could be framed as a genuine concern around the boyfriends insecurity and emotional state, if that’s an easier path to go down.

I had a horrible bf at that age and I came to my senses within a year I hope she does to. I think I would be having conversations about healthy relationships and what is acceptable. I don’t think talking to his dad will help, bf is clearly jealous and manipulative.

I'd send her an article about coercive control - something official about identifying red flags.

Then hop on instagram and find a few reels to fwd.

Equally if she ever leaves her phone on the side - keep talking about 'identifying coercive control' - say 'I need to identify red flags with coercive control' / where can I find information of coercive control / victim of coercive control - it may change the algo's of the apps she uses and start randomly generating content on that topic, that she'll think she's discovering by herself.

She needs to ruin his holiday by dumping him. What a tosser.

My DN's boyfriend sent her similar messages when she was in college, during a girls night out. She was so upset she cried and told her mum when she got home, it had ruined her night.

My usually very placid sister screenshot the messages, sent them back to him, and told him he was a weedy piece of shit that was never welcome in their home again.

He was always smiley and nice when he was around them, called them his 'second family', and said he preferred it there to his own home.

It fizzled out very quickly after that. Worms don't like it when that rock is lifted and everyone else can see who they are. They move on to easier victims girlfriends.

Ask her to imagine a future where she never gets to enjoy an occasion, night out or holiday again. Tell her if she doesn't want that, she needs to be very firm from the get go, shut him down hard, and never reward bad behaviour with attention, changes of plan or trying to get back in his good books.
That it's highly unlikely he'll dump her over it, and if he does, then she's dodged a bullet.

He is not a keeper. Best she moves on sooner rather than later.

All part of growing up. And why I dated men significantly older than myself at that age.

I think this was a great way to handle it, help her understand the signs to look out for and how easy it is to all into the trap of costs tlt trying to appease a partner at her expense, and more importantly help her understand what emotional abuse is. It's not usually so obvious especially for a young lady. It may feel like she hasn't heard you but I'm sure some things have stuck and will start to make her question things and hopefully she will grow her resilience and ability to stand up for herself.

Experience is the best teacher but having your words of wisdom and support and can her speed up the process.

I wish her all the best.

I would advise her to tell him they need to talk, and give her a few phrases to have to hand when they do. Build her up to really believe what she is saying and have the confidence to back herself. But also, be ready to give her the support she needs if he can't handle it and tries to break things off.

She needs to get a grip on this now. I would suggest phrases like:

Your insecurity is not my problem. I know I am loyal and trustworthy. I don't have to prove it to you in the way that I dress.

I care about our relationship and i want to spend with time you and remain exclusive. But I am young. I also want to have fun and not have to second guess how I dress, who I speak to and where I go. If that's a problem for you, we are not going to work.

I am not interested in power play or control games. If we are in conversation about something that is causing one of us (or both of us distress), we finish the conversation. You left me hanging in order to put a dampener on my night. That is controlling and spiteful. It can't happen again.

That sort of thing.

What a nasty little fucker. Agree with all the PPs saying it’s a good opportunity for a conversation with your DD about coercive and controlling behaviour.

You could also talk to her about what good boyfriend behaviour would be on prom night - encouraging you, saying you look lovely, saying he hopes you have a good time. And then how does this compare?

This, I have two sons and I would want to know what they were writing if it was abusive. Shine a light on his behaviour. Even if it does no good it means the boyfriend knows other people know what he is texting. I can't work out how old your DD is OP, you said she is a minor but is that 17 end of A levels or 16 end of GCSEs? I think what you said to her was great.

When my boyfriend passed his driving test he drove like an idiot and I told my Mum. The next time he came to collect me he had to come into my house and speak to my Mother. She told him I was one of the most precious things in her life and I was in his car. She told him to drive carefully because if anything happened to me because he was being an idiot he better hoped he died in that crash as she would kill him with her bare hands. Did the job, he never drove like an idiot again.

As a parent of boys I have always pointed out any coercive control, game playing, or abusive behaviour in TV shows so they can see what it looks like. Dh is an absolute sweetheart so they wouldn't see anything like that from him. They know what good looks like, they need to see bad and have it pointed out. This also went for friendships too on TV and in real life.

I agree. DH and I have a very respectful relationship I think, and from what I have seen of his parents they seem to as well.

On the one occasion I caught my son (now 14) being rude to a girl he'd been out with we came down on it like a tonne of bricks and it hasn't happened again since. The persona he was trying out wasn't him.

I agree with the SM ban but I think there have been boyfriends like this since time began unfortunately. I would also be getting as many resources on healthy relationships as I could and have a good talk about them to your dd. They learn about this stuff in pshe so the boy will be well aware that his behaviour isn't acceptable.