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Original poster

So angry, daughter's prom and immature boyfriend

130 replies

RVectensian · 02/07/2026 21:06

Honestly, I'm so upset on her behalf.

My daughter has her prom tonight. She has a lovely dress, and got her hair and nails done etc. Put a little make up on, quite natural.

Her boyfriend of a year is on holiday.

I thought she seemed subdued when we dropped her off, so I checked her messages.

Turns out all afternoon he's been making her feel bad for making so much effort, dropping in digs that she never makes that much effort for him, how she wear xyz clothes to see her friends and doesn't for him, then dropping off the radar for half an hour leaving her begging him to come back.

Then the classic 'obviously you don't care cause you're arguing back' type sentiment, and 'if you really meant that you'd have made changes sooner'. "I'm just ruining your night, I'll go now. I feel sick about this, I'm so worthless" etc.

She was putting her case back across but there was lots of "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel that way, I'll put more effort in to myself" 🤬 etc.

I'm so, so angry on her behalf. I know the sick feeling when something like this is hanging over you, checking for replies all the time etc, and it will have completely overshadowed her big night.

I genuinely thought he was a very loving, supportive boyfriend who seemed to cherish and admire her. Now I'm left wondering if he is normally like this, or if it is just immature insecurity cause he's away.

OP posts:
Original poster
RVectensian · 03/07/2026 09:27

It's so odd, we have got to know him quite well over the last year and he seems genuinely lovely and to really like and admire her. Is great with her brothers etc, not in a superficial way. But this bothers me.

She has a sport she trains a lot for and has juggled that alongside exams and seeing him, so I think we will gently be guiding her towards seeing her friends and training more over the summer, and seeing him a little less. The 2 of us are going away next week as well which is nice.

DH wants to have a word with his dad (they get on well) when they get back from holiday, I'm unsure as to whether that is a good idea.

I think the fact she isn't kicking off about my checking her messages tells me that she gets it a bit.

OP posts:
whippersnapper55 · 03/07/2026 09:45

I think you've handled this really well. I'd be absolutely livid too but you're right that heavily criticising him is not the best way to address it, instead you've focused on her feelings and the specific situation of yesterday. Hopefully you've given her food for thought. One thing I found particularly disturbing is that he puts on a good show in front of her family but that his controlling behaviour is 'hidden' and going on in the background. This suggests a level of deception and covertness, he knows this behaviour would be called out if it was known. He knows what he's doing.

I think your DH having a word with his dad would probably not go well. Generally, people don't take kindly to criticism of their own children and the instinct to defend them is strong.

Encourage her to see friends, participate in her sport and keep communication open so that she knows she can come to you with any concerns. Hopefully the relationship will fizzle out.

SharkEnthusiast · 03/07/2026 09:52

I hear this so much from my DD15 about her friend’s boyfriends. I had the same thing when I was a teenager so tell my DDs all the time how it is unacceptable for boys to behave like this. I really hope your DD tells him to get lost! I hope he didn’t totally ruin her evening. Sending her big hugs!

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Relationship problems
Aluna · 03/07/2026 10:02

Meh teen relationships are often like this ime - supportive 30somethings on the outside - insecure paranoid kid on the inside.

I would repeat the message that she doesn’t have to deal with this.

ShortAndIntense · 03/07/2026 10:24

I had a boyfriend like this in my teens. I couldn’t see it then and spent years trying to appease him and work out why he was in ‘moods’ when I’d done nothing wrong. He hated me talking to boys, even boyfriends of mine that were gay. He hated me dressing up to go on nights out.

It escalated over the years to him driving past my workplace or home to check I was there, checking my phone while I was asleep and quizzing me on messages to my friends that had nothing to do with him. I never did anything to make him jealous - that’s just who he was.

He’d also drive like an idiot and get angry with me in the car despite me asking him to slow down/stop. He was a childish, insecure little boy. Whenever I tried to split with him, he’d manipulate me and cry and act all contrite, and then a few weeks later it would start again. He was also very critical of me, made me feel bad for doing very normal things, he was rude and put me down in front of others. He used to tease me if I wanted to spend time with my best friend and would make digs that I must be a lesbian for wanting to spend time with her.

My parents really disliked him and tried to warn me, but I had to see it for myself. I broke it off at the age of 22 having been with him since I was 16.

I met my husband a few months later and he couldn’t be any different. He’s a wonderful man who is cheerful, kind and just pure at heart. We have to realise these things on our own unfortunately.

Shareadog · 03/07/2026 10:27

This is abusive behaviour. Coercive control is a massive problem for teen girls and they’re the age group most likely to suffer from it. Have a read of some of the support material from the VAWG Enough campaign

Elieza · 03/07/2026 10:34

you handled that really well. poor dd. such a shame.

BIWI · 03/07/2026 10:36

I don't think you should let DH talk to the boy's parents - but I think one of you should talk to the boy himself. Make it clear that a) you've clocked his behaviour/attitude and b) it's massively inappropriate for him to treat your DD like that - and also c) ask him why he thinks he can behave like that?

Happyjoe · 03/07/2026 10:51

He's an abuser in the making. Ugh. Hope your daughter can see the light and get rid. Glad has you as a mum, keeping a look out for her!

mondaytosunday · 03/07/2026 11:10

I dot think your DH talking to this boy’s dad is a good idea. You can’t change him. You can only support your DD, and if I was her I’d see this as huge overstepping - it would let the boy know you had discussed him and what do you think he’ll do with that information? He’ll blame her and make things worse.

AlphaApple · 03/07/2026 11:16

I think a man-to-man talk is warranted. Men need to learn how to be proper humans, and if this boy has learned the wrong behaviour from toxic sources then his dad needs to know.

LilOleMe2 · 03/07/2026 11:20

Hmm. I was kind of nodding along until you said about him not responding for 30 minutes and her srnding him begging messages during this time!!! I think they are BOTH suffocating one another. Too intense.

LilOleMe2 · 03/07/2026 11:22

So i dont think you should be reading messages between a couple without both of their knowledge and consent.

pikkumyy77 · 03/07/2026 11:44

The OP is responsible for her DD’s safety and told her dd what she had done and received retroactive consent. This was a “break glass situation.” Please don’t derail the thread with a kind of rules lawyering approach.

The dd’s texting style may need work but the way you get there is by teaching her to avoid high conflict or manipulative people. This is a teachable moment.

notacooldad · 03/07/2026 12:03

I think a man-to-man talk is warranted. Men need to learn how to be proper humans, and if this boy has learned the wrong behaviour from toxic sources then his dad needs to know.

I understand the sentiment and agree to a point but what if it is learned behaviour and the dad is the problem. 🤔

I found out that ds2 and his friends had been swearing in front of the friend's dad and said to son he had to apologise. Son did and dad thought it was hilarious and told son ' to keep up the good work!!' That 'learning' completely backfired on me! 😆

Outwiththenorm · 03/07/2026 12:05

Has your DD got a friend to discuss this with? Ideally a sensible one who will tell her this behaviour isn’t acceptable.

I had a female friend behave like that boyfriend when I was in secondary (controlling, jealous and I spent my whole time trying to appease her). It took another friend asking me why I put up with it for me to realise I didn’t have to.

CombatBarbie · 03/07/2026 12:09

Id have messaged him making sure he knew it was you!!! Its only a sign of coercive behaviour in the future. Your daughter not saying much and not being angry makes me think this is not the first time hes pulled this kind of behaviour!!!

Original poster
RVectensian · 03/07/2026 12:23

Yes, I agree about the too intense. On the outside it looked manipulative, the dropping in and then out, leaving her feeling desperate and not hearing back. But equally being able to step back from it may have helped them both.

I see what you mean around consent, but tbh that is rarely feasible. She's a minor, as they both are, and I felt sufficiently alarmed by how flat she was before the prom to worry that something was afoot. I hoped I was wrong but 🤷

I knew that telling her had the potential to kick everything off, but felt it was important. As it is, she took it well, which tells me that perhaps deep down she appreciated the input.

OP posts:
Original poster
RVectensian · 03/07/2026 12:25

pikkumyy77 · 03/07/2026 11:44

The OP is responsible for her DD’s safety and told her dd what she had done and received retroactive consent. This was a “break glass situation.” Please don’t derail the thread with a kind of rules lawyering approach.

The dd’s texting style may need work but the way you get there is by teaching her to avoid high conflict or manipulative people. This is a teachable moment.

Yes, agreed.

I could see her holding her ground and explaining her feelings even under pressure, and trying to balance that with appeasing him. Hard to read, especially from my usually feisty daughter

OP posts:
liamharha · 03/07/2026 13:05

This is a very good time to talk about coercive control and unhealthy relationships and her having extremely firm boundaries .

AlphaApple · 03/07/2026 13:06

notacooldad · 03/07/2026 12:03

I think a man-to-man talk is warranted. Men need to learn how to be proper humans, and if this boy has learned the wrong behaviour from toxic sources then his dad needs to know.

I understand the sentiment and agree to a point but what if it is learned behaviour and the dad is the problem. 🤔

I found out that ds2 and his friends had been swearing in front of the friend's dad and said to son he had to apologise. Son did and dad thought it was hilarious and told son ' to keep up the good work!!' That 'learning' completely backfired on me! 😆

At least then you'd know and be able to warn your daughter.

notacooldad · 03/07/2026 13:07

At least then you'd know and be able to warn your daughter
That's a good point!

HalzTangz · 03/07/2026 13:13

RVectensian · 03/07/2026 09:27

It's so odd, we have got to know him quite well over the last year and he seems genuinely lovely and to really like and admire her. Is great with her brothers etc, not in a superficial way. But this bothers me.

She has a sport she trains a lot for and has juggled that alongside exams and seeing him, so I think we will gently be guiding her towards seeing her friends and training more over the summer, and seeing him a little less. The 2 of us are going away next week as well which is nice.

DH wants to have a word with his dad (they get on well) when they get back from holiday, I'm unsure as to whether that is a good idea.

I think the fact she isn't kicking off about my checking her messages tells me that she gets it a bit.

I think your husband is right, the boyfriends parents need to nip his son's actions in the bud

Hayley1256 · 03/07/2026 13:17

I'd be having a chat with the boyfriend TBH. What's he's doing is not ok and he needs to be aware you know about his behaviour. He also needs to be clear that's it's abusive as I don't think all young men (and women) actually realise this.

Heretohelp1111 · 03/07/2026 13:36

Do you watch tv together? Watch I am Nicola together. It’s season 1 episode 1.