My kid went in the river today

[Rmdddjb]

my kid is 11 and wants to be independent and go to playground or walks by himself and not be stuck indoors all the time, so I told him to bring his phone and water and wear a hat and sunglasses . I use my phone to contact him and track his whereabouts. So 5 min later I go outside and start stalking him. It’s so hard to see anything on the screen in the sun anyway but I do my best. I told him to go to playground nearby but his tracker showed me he was moving around everywhere! He wasn’t in the playground and 30 min later I found him walking home on the field. He was soaking wet! We live next to a river and he told me he went in there!!! Like wtf?! What brought that on?! He said cuz his friend told him that he had gone in there too once. So he wanted to try it too.

I was mortified!! He said there was a woman that told him Good luck when he jumped in and just walked off. Then there was a group that walked past and one of the guys pulled my son up from the river and I’m eternally grateful that he did when others just ignored him. If it wasn’t for him my kid would probably not be here.

this is the last time I’ll let my kid go out on his own. Even if I have the tracker on him. I just told him he’s not allowed to go on his own anymore. He has friends but they live in different towns but go same school.

he’s very sad that he doesn’t have friends in the neighbourhood because nobody wants to play with him anyway ( he’s always the lonely guy in the playground and I’ve tried setting up play dates with his class mates but the parents don’t want to and just ignore my texts), and I understand that he wants to find someone to play with.

Biut the trust for me is gone. I can’t let him have his independence anymore, i have to watch him like a hawk if I so have to run out after him with poop hanging down my pants ( he sometimes goes out when I sit in the toilet without telling me) . Sorry but I had to vent. I don’t expect any replies.

I’m so sorry, that sounds incredibly scary and difficult

FWIW I’d have gone absolutely fucking nuclear on him (DS1 also 11, he cycled for miles the other day when he was told not to go too far - he was left in no doubt that that wasn’t a good decision)

Glad he is ok OP, you’re right it could have gone badly.

My 11 yo has only started going out recently and always to meet a friend. It is definitely more difficult if they don’t have local mates.

Are there any local clubs he could join so he gets social interaction there and maybe can get there & back himself?

Or maybe get him to run errands for you as that way it’s just there and back without being open ended and open to him wandering off and making daft decisions.

Feeling embarrassed is a bit of a weird reaction tbh - I would be furious with him. How have you approached the previous issues of him leaving unannounced? Have you taught him anything about water safety and how to swim? I’m wondering how much he understands how much danger he was in because waiting until you’re on the loo to slip out makes it sound very calculated.

Has he possibly got some sen asd or adhd?

My dd was y8 and dropped of at the park woth her froend. I assumed they would stay there or go to the garage next door. Recently dd said they went wandering around the town!
And she went to our village park and her and friend went into the woods. Which o dont like as couod be anyone on there and dont know where she was..

She has audhd...

But a river is a particular issue especially alone! The stats said 85% of the recent drownings were -- boys...

Thing is scouts etc do river walks and the edges can be very weedy and rocks etc

It sounds like your son has some additional needs. This is not usual behaviour from an 11 year old. Does he have any diagnoses? Is he getting any support?

If you live near a river, are there any clubs for water sports? It would be ideal for him to join, he’s at the perfect age to start. He would belong to a group, learn discipline, be outdoors in all weather, do something healthy and he’d absolutely learn about water safety.

There have been kids (and adults) swimming outdoors all summer and people have done so for generations. I did and still do.

You'd happily let him swim in the sea.

Assuming there are no specific dangers (you mention none) and he's confident in the water he'll be fine.

I don't let my 11yo out because I'm worried about her getting killed on the road, if she was playing in a River I'd regard that as way safer.

Having said all that, is an 11yo out alone safe at all? Nobody to fetch help if he falls out of a tree, or encounters a crazy person.

Agree with PP that instead of telling him off get him started on a watersport. Make it positive.

I don’t understand why you are mortified.

obviously if your kid can’t swim or the river was dangerous he shouldn’t have gone in but surely it’s obvious why he did - because it’s so hot.

i’d suggest swimming lessons and lots of places are running open water safety courses this summer so he can learn how to assess when it’s safe to go into water and when it isn’t

Most of them push the boundaries like this OP.

Mine were allowed to cycle to the top of our hill and onto a quiet estate but no further …. I learnt years later that they used to carry on through the little village on tiny winding roads 😳.

Glad he’s ok … have a good chat with him.

I don’t know how hot it is where you are OP but I think it’s understandable if it’s as hot as here where it’s predicted to reach 38 degrees today, that he was tempted by the cool river water (also not sure this is totally weird or unexpected behaviour from an 11 year old boy on a hot day). Not sure today was the best day to let him roam totally free if he isn’t sensible. Easy to say in hindsight though. But there are so many water deaths in boys in heatwaves here. I’m glad he’s ok. Must have been really scary. Definitely think once it’s all calmed down a bit you need to really take him aside and explain how dangerous this was (I actually can’t understand a woman saying “good luck” and walking off, unless he was being really awful to her - even then TBH - although it’s possible she was telling him not to do it, that it’s dangerous, and he ignored her and jumped in?)

Has he learnt about the dangers of swimming in rivers and open water?

I assume we're talking about a substantial river here? Because whilst I know there have been some horrifying and tragic accidents in water this year, playing in river itself isn't that ridiculous a thing to do in a heatwave, nor a surprising thing for 11 year olds to do. Agree with pps though that it sounds like he could have additional needs like ADHD. ADHD can prompt children to seek out high risk activities and also make friendships difficult.

Yes agree a water safety course of some kind is a good idea. But nobody should go swimming alone in my opinion, even adults very used to wild swimming. I suspect that would be taught on a water safety course anyway.

I cannot believe the posters saying here that rivers aren't dangerous. They absolutely are. Currents, obstacles to hurt yourself on/get trapped on, the danger of being able to get in but not out, weirs - all sorts

I'm a confident swimmer who swims outdoors nearly daily and I am ALWAYS wary.

The RNLIs Respect The Water campaign is named that for a reason.

Ypu wouldnt happily let an 11 year old swim in the sea without being present

crikey

Anyone who isn’t an experienced open water swimmer shouldn’t go swimming alone, certainly.

any 11 year old falls into the category of should swim with a group.

it’s quite a strong statement to say that nobody should ever swim alone

I wouldn’t happily let an 11 year old swim in the sea alone and unsupervised even somewhere very safe without riptides etc. and with lots of people around, would you? Even if they were very water confident, though that should mitigate the risk a little. I keep thinking about that poor girl who drowned in a safe commercialised swimming area at a lake as part of a water obstacle course thing maybe last summer in S England somewhere? It was crowded but nobody noticed when she accidentally got too deep and drowned.

He leaves the house when you're on the loo?

There's a lot more to this story, isn't there?

It is not at all as surprise that he went in the river on a day like today

I am more surprised that he went in fully clothed

How good a swimmer is he? Why doesn't he have any friends or organised activities?

And this is why we get multiple children drowning whenever the sun comes out for any period of time. Really irresponsible. Rivers are dangerous.

This is not normal behaviour, why is he even home? Is his school closed? I can understand kids egging each other on to go swimming in a river in this kind of weather but for him to jump in unprompted (and fully dressed?) when he was all alone is strange.

Does he have some special needs though? It sounds as if he is prone to just disappearing without notice. Why would you have to rush after him so quickly if you were in the bathroom - how far could he get in - what - 30 seconds? Certainly rushing out without having time to wipe sounds dramatic!

How dangerous it is depends on the river.

Have you spoken to him about the dangers of swimming in this river before OP? Curtailing his freedom to go out alone at 11 years old is really sad, especially if it’s because you’ve failed to teach him water safety yourself and are simply expecting him to have the same perspective you do.

Im so glad I grew up in the era before tracking devices and my friends and I were able to wander where we liked.

A lot of people have also drowned in open water recently. It is has been in the news a lot.

I used to be a lifeguard. Everyone I rescued was in a swimming pool and in water they could stand up in. A river is much more risky.

I don’t know if it’s right to say an 11 year old in general shoudnt be out alone . When I was 11 I was always out playing with kids in the estate . I would walk to school on my own as well. It depends on the child I know but this seems OTT to say as a general thing

It isn't a lot, is it? It's hardly anyone.

Meanwhile 1:200 of us will die on the road.

The OP doesn't mention any specific risks at this location. If she does I'll change my opinion.

I lived in and around the sea and rivers as a kid and thank god I did. I got exercise, fresh air, social skills, resilience, joy, emotional wellbeing and a bloody good lot of fun. I compare that to the gaming and phone generation and I know who had the happier and healthier childhood.

Kids need taught about water safety and they need a lot of supervision in the younger years but they don't need to avoid water.
Yes accidents and deaths have occured but I'd still always rather pure, natural activities like this are never lost.