My kid went in the river today

[Rmdddjb]

my kid is 11 and wants to be independent and go to playground or walks by himself and not be stuck indoors all the time, so I told him to bring his phone and water and wear a hat and sunglasses . I use my phone to contact him and track his whereabouts. So 5 min later I go outside and start stalking him. It’s so hard to see anything on the screen in the sun anyway but I do my best. I told him to go to playground nearby but his tracker showed me he was moving around everywhere! He wasn’t in the playground and 30 min later I found him walking home on the field. He was soaking wet! We live next to a river and he told me he went in there!!! Like wtf?! What brought that on?! He said cuz his friend told him that he had gone in there too once. So he wanted to try it too.

I was mortified!! He said there was a woman that told him Good luck when he jumped in and just walked off. Then there was a group that walked past and one of the guys pulled my son up from the river and I’m eternally grateful that he did when others just ignored him. If it wasn’t for him my kid would probably not be here.

this is the last time I’ll let my kid go out on his own. Even if I have the tracker on him. I just told him he’s not allowed to go on his own anymore. He has friends but they live in different towns but go same school.

he’s very sad that he doesn’t have friends in the neighbourhood because nobody wants to play with him anyway ( he’s always the lonely guy in the playground and I’ve tried setting up play dates with his class mates but the parents don’t want to and just ignore my texts), and I understand that he wants to find someone to play with.

Biut the trust for me is gone. I can’t let him have his independence anymore, i have to watch him like a hawk if I so have to run out after him with poop hanging down my pants ( he sometimes goes out when I sit in the toilet without telling me) . Sorry but I had to vent. I don’t expect any replies.

He needs to learn road and water safety as a priority.

From the back cover of my rather elderly copy of the Highway Code.

It's a good pub quiz question. Like you, nobody believes it so it triggers some discussion!

Yes he will just go out ,while I’m in the toilet without saying bye I’m going . All I hear is door open and close and I’m like HEEEELLLOOOOO, waaaaAaait where you goooooing?!!

he was wearing shorts and crocs only. And the sun hat and sunglasses and rucksack with his phone and water bottle. I don’t know what spurred him on to go in. He’s never been interested in water play and he hates swimming lessons and still got swimming aids. He’s ok when we go to sea side together,and I’m with him while he just relaxes on his donut inflatable.

he has friends at school but they don’t have phones anymore cuz their parents have taken the phones away from them. So my kid has nobody to talk to now. They live further away so can’t just knock on the door. Other kids are not interested in him.

he had organised activities but I’m a single mom on low pay that can’t afford it and he had youth club twice a week but the other kids were mean to him ( I heard them talking shit about him saying Oh not him again when they saw him) so I stopped taking him.

It's an outdated figure, it's lower than that these days.

I know you are upset OP but you say you can't let him have independence anymore. It doesn't sound like he has independence at all, the minute he left the house you were stalking him. He leaves when he knows you can't chase him. This to me sounds like a kid who feels like a prisoner and is desperate to escape. I think it's fair enough you are punishing him now for doing something stupid without your knowledge but I think the solution should be more independence not less. Set very strict times and goals, you can go to the playground if you are home by X time, if you don't do this you can't go again. And gradually build it up, each time he proves he can be trusted. If he screws up he loses the privilege. That's assuming he doesn't have additional needs and can truly under this. Personally I don't agree with tracking people, the most fun thing about being a kid that age is the sense of freedom you increasingly get with age. If he has no freedom he will become more reckless in those tiny windows of opportunity he gets, he has no motivation to act responsibly because there is no rewards for him, just continuous control.

It’s even more scary that he has learnt about the dangers and still chose to do it. Kids never think anything is going to happen to them do they, unfortunately some don’t make it out the water.

Well the OP has since confirmed he is receiving extra support at school. When you've spent a lot of time lots of different 11 year olds and also many different children with ADHD, it's not surprising to notice common traits.

Oh come on. I was out at that age doing all sorts of dumb shit, climbing on roofs, going further than I should, meeting random boys and spending the day with them. Most of us don’t die. Would I want my girls doing it? No, not really… but would I be this frantic about finding out they went into a river? Also no. We just went camping and they were in the river there for ages. He isn’t made of glass.

From everything you’ve described it doesn’t sound like he’s capable of going out on his own and I would be installing additional locks on the door if he just goes out without saying anything and without shoes etc. It’s around the age that most NT children can have independence, but ND children are often many years behind.

For people saying that it’s not dangerous to swim in the rivers blah blah you’re unbelievable !!! Do you read or listen to the news ?!! So many teenagers/kids have died recently in in the rivers during the heatwaves whether they could swim or not.

Did you miss the bit about him not being able to swim and having to be rescued?

'Most of us don't die'

It's not remotely the same situation. You were there and you knew where your children were. Presumably your daughters can swim? And wouldn't jump in clothed with a rucksack containing their phone on their back?

I think you need to seriously risk assess his ability to go out alone and be safe. Sounds like a SEND kid who is prone to absconding behaviour - not unusual but you're not going to treat him the same as a NT 11yr old that is gradually being allowed more freedom which it sounds like you are. I mean you need to risk assess your house if he just fleeing without telling you. He has shown you he is not capable (yet) of keeping himself safe when he is going out and really sounds very vulnerable. Going missing and having to alert police/ walking miles with no shoes on is the biggest red flag being waved here. You need to be like hawkeye with him otherwise I really feel he is going to come to some harm.

Has he done this type of thing before, wandered off without any idea of risks?

The thing is we use the word river where often it's technically a stream, and swim when we often mean 'messing about' in the water. It's hysterical and unhelpful to suggest all rivers are the same and all should be avoided at all costs.

And this is why there are so many reports of drownings particularly during warm weather. Everyone else is doing it, I don't see the problem, it's safer than <insert other potentially dangerous activity>.

OP you are right to be concerned. I had a very strong conversation with DS recently about going down to the river with his friends when he'd been warned repeatedly of the dangers and told to stay away. Although he didn't go in, the temptation to do so when 'everyone else is' can be very strong.

And this is why there are so many reports of drownings particularly during warm weather. Everyone else is doing it, I don't see the problem, it's safer than <insert other potentially dangerous activity>.

More likely the drownings (if the cause of death is drowning) are because something about the indivudual or the location turned something that is perfectly safe into something lethal.

Well… yes. And in the OP’s son’s case, there was something about the situation that was dangerous. He couldn’t swim.
There are also a lot of hidden dangers with swimming in rivers. Hidden currents etc. And literally anyone can go into cold water shock, however strong a swimmer they are.

While that may be true some of the time, in many cases they're unfortunately caused by risk taking, particularly so by boys and young men.
My point is no one is immune to the dangers of water, let alone an 11 year old on their own, and no one should be minimising the risks.

So some people should swim in some water. Sounds reasonable.

All people should be very cautious and follow the advice of people who know the dangers of open water swimming before swimming in all water.

https://www.rlss.org.uk/water-safety-for-teenagers
rnli.org/safety/choose-your-activity/open-water-swimming#section-anchor-link---emergencies

As long as they can guarantee it’s warm enough to not give them cold water shock, yes.
But this thread is about the OP’s son, and whether he should have gone swimming in a river. And as he can’t swim, I think we can probably all agree that the answer is no.

I think I've won you over, PoF! 🎉

rnli.org/safety/choose-your-activity/open-water-swimming/what-are-the-benefits-of-cold-water-swimming

BTW, RYA SafeTrax ceased last year.

Won me over to what?