My kid went in the river today

[Rmdddjb]

my kid is 11 and wants to be independent and go to playground or walks by himself and not be stuck indoors all the time, so I told him to bring his phone and water and wear a hat and sunglasses . I use my phone to contact him and track his whereabouts. So 5 min later I go outside and start stalking him. It’s so hard to see anything on the screen in the sun anyway but I do my best. I told him to go to playground nearby but his tracker showed me he was moving around everywhere! He wasn’t in the playground and 30 min later I found him walking home on the field. He was soaking wet! We live next to a river and he told me he went in there!!! Like wtf?! What brought that on?! He said cuz his friend told him that he had gone in there too once. So he wanted to try it too.

I was mortified!! He said there was a woman that told him Good luck when he jumped in and just walked off. Then there was a group that walked past and one of the guys pulled my son up from the river and I’m eternally grateful that he did when others just ignored him. If it wasn’t for him my kid would probably not be here.

this is the last time I’ll let my kid go out on his own. Even if I have the tracker on him. I just told him he’s not allowed to go on his own anymore. He has friends but they live in different towns but go same school.

he’s very sad that he doesn’t have friends in the neighbourhood because nobody wants to play with him anyway ( he’s always the lonely guy in the playground and I’ve tried setting up play dates with his class mates but the parents don’t want to and just ignore my texts), and I understand that he wants to find someone to play with.

Biut the trust for me is gone. I can’t let him have his independence anymore, i have to watch him like a hawk if I so have to run out after him with poop hanging down my pants ( he sometimes goes out when I sit in the toilet without telling me) . Sorry but I had to vent. I don’t expect any replies.

Rather than just locking him up you need to actually teach him safety. Does he know about cold water shock? Does he know to float to live? Etc etc.

Can't you enrol him in local clubs so he gets to meet more local children and at least gets to do things not by himself?

I hope you explained the dangers of swimming on your own and in open water and about cold water shock and how to float. Was he in trouble in the water, or couldn't get back up the bank? Or did the man just realise he was alone and told him to get out and helped him out.

We were horrors as kids climbing trees, making camps in the woods and ,etc, we would no doubt have been in the river if there was one, one boy did drown locally in an old chalk quarry.

Another poor boy died swimming in a lake with friends in the U.K. yesterday, aged 15. That’s 2 in 4 days.
It’s all very well posters saying ‘wild swimming is completely safe as long as the body of water is known to be safe, the kids are strong swimmers and know what to do if they get into trouble’ etc. Well yes. But the fact is that (like the OP’s son) many, many kids are swimming in unsafe water and don’t know what to do if they get into trouble.
The OP’s son has SEN and is impulsive. I don’t think this is really just a case of talking to him about the risks. It sounds like the information won’t actually alter his impulsive behaviour.

Wow, you diagnosed him based off that one post- impressive.

This really does depend on several factors though.
he was alone
we don’t know how good a swimmer he is
he jumped in but we don’t know if he’d looked at where he could get out!
we have no idea the current in that river
the water could’ve been cold and sent him into shock
depending on the river he’d no idea what he might jump into (friend son badly sliced the bottom of his foot open doing this)

Well the OP later confirmed that he does, in fact have additional needs and a diagnosis. So it was quite impressive actually!

I may have got it wrong but it sounds like he goes to a special school away from the local kids so the friends he makes at school don’t live around. Can you contact the school to find out any suggestions or activities that he could join in? he’s clearly not safe to be allowed out on his own at the moment.

Correctly, as it turned out. Aren't I clever?!

Being able to swim is not necessarily going to be much help.

My cousin was 14 and an excellent swimmer, ( long list of awards etc.). When he and a friend went swimming early one morning at Hastings he got caught in a current and died quite close to the shore. No one about to help. Had the parents been there maybe they could have warned them off?

In contrast I saw a young couple go swimming in the Mediterranean in stormy weather (Why! Even a red flag doesn't stop some people.) But there was a lifeguard ( the waiter) working in our cafe and he dashed out and rescued them.

Unfortunately warning signs are often ignored. Many young lads were ignoring them and swimming in our local reservoirs recently.

Why are you even considering letting him kayak/why does he go in the sea with you in his inflatable donut, when he cant swim????

Glad he is ok OP!

Ive been warning students all week about open water - we’ve had an awful situation with one of our pupils and open water just last year.

I do think as much as we can go on about it in schools or parents having conversations, the dangers just aren’t as well known. Kids aren’t as likely to read/watch the news and think it’s harmless when it’s just so dangerous.

Open water in the heat can kill as your body can go into shock.

A lot of people think it’s a great way to cool down but it can genuinely be so dangerous.

It’s great that he wants to be independent.

I’m not sure how clear the rules have been about what he’s allowed to do when he leaves the house. (Why did you immediately start stalking him, for example? Does he have form
for going to disallowed places?) Sounds like you need to set out some very clear rules. For example, don’t go in the river on your own / without an adult / without telling me (depending on how dangerous it actually is, once your initial alarm has subsided - can you stand safely in the bottom? Is there a strong current? How easy is it to get in or out?).

He needs to have agreed places he can go - or principles about what he can or cannot do. These could be more than just the playground. You need to sit down together and talk it through, with him saying what sort of places he’s like to be able to go to. And then anywhere that’s not pre-agreed he needs to discuss with you in advance.

If, having set rules in place, he does not abide by them, THEN you have a problem.

But it would be a massive shame to blow up his independence because of this one scary incident.

Unfortunately, monitoring your child’s location tends to create additional stress, rather than relieving it. It also undermines the child’s sense that they are responsible for their own safety, if they feel constantly monitored, which makes them less responsible. I don’t think it’s healthy. It didn’t help in this situation, either.

Not sure why you’re embarrassed? Not sticking to agreed rules isn’t unusual at the tween and teen age. Having convos re safety and trust is ongoing. However as you live close to open water having convos re water safety regularly is essential. Open water is so beyond dangerous causing so many accidents and deaths every summer. He’s very lucky he got pulled out when he did

The child is leaving the house without telling her he is going nevermind where he is going, and he tries to leave school, the only thing stopping him there is a fence he's unable to scale. He didn't just go into a river ,he did so s a non-swimmer fully clothed with his phone and backpack.
I completely agree with you re tracking sometimes leading to more problems than solutions, and setting children up for sucess by allowing them more independence after talking through situations and setting boundaries but I dont think things are quite that simple with this young lad.
I think mam needs to be a bit more practical too, i mean the true danger of going in river water is not that birds and animals poo in it....

Going in thè river is dangerous like cold water shock or hypothermia i would be mortified too

He sounds as if he doesn't have a good sense of danger. He's certainly not ready to go out and about on his own. You said he doesn't have many friends - and a group would look out for each other. A boy on his own has no-one to raise the alarm if something happens. As a priority you need to get him swimming lessons. He should certainly have learned before now

Is there a scouting group, sports club or something nearby he might enjoy? Good way to meet new friends away from school

Is it fair on the leaders though to deal with someone with such poor impulse control and unwillingness to follow instructions?

If he wants to be independent then he needs to demonstrate that he can be trusted. So far he hasn’t.

Going in thè river is dangerous like cold water shock or hypothermia i would be mortified too

Do you know what mortified means?

Did you miss the bit where he jumped in with his rucksack? I would think that cold water shock was only one of the risks he took.

I was about to say that. Word gets misused a lot on here.

Weirdly on any other thread, posters would be saying he shouldn’t be unsupervised until he’s at least 35 but apparently the fact the OP’s son can’t be trusted not to run off/do ridiculous things (and blame some bystander) etc means he just needs to get out more.

i have poetry that is publishes so yes i do