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Do u hang out much with your late teens daughters?

56 replies

Greedybilly · 21/06/2026 16:59

I always imagined it would be so nice going for coffees/city breaks/walks/shopping but both my kids only hang out with me as a last resort.
I have my own life and they have theirs which is as it should be but neither of them ever wants to spend a day/afternoon together/go anywhere. :(
I just feel I'm completely used for cash and emotional support which is fine as a mum but shouldn't there be a fun side too? Or what's the point? Please be kind feeling hurt and very sad.

OP posts:
Gardenisablooming · 21/06/2026 19:19

Dd's are 19 and 20. Still spend lots of time and days off together..
Maintaining relationships includes Costa /cafe /cakes over the years...

Pistachiocake · 21/06/2026 19:19

Never at this age. One of my friend's mum's always wanted to talk to us and be one of the "girls"-it was cringy and we felt so sorry for her. She was more embarrassing than Rachel's mum in Friends.
I have promised my daughter I will never do this to her! My mum was fine, and realised she was a midlife woman and left us alone, probaly why our relationship survived.

HaveYouFedTheFish · 21/06/2026 19:20

Do you have anything in common? I do some stuff with my 20 year old daughter and always have - she's incredibly independent (doesn't live at home - moved away for work, doing brilliantly and taking the initiative on career development, supervises interns years older than her, has multiple groups of friends and a long term boyfriend).

I think the key maybe is she compartmentalises - she does certain stuff with her partner, certain stuff with colleagues, certain stuff with one friendship group and certain stuff with her bff. I have a compartment too 🤣☺️ We go to the theatre together and to certain small concerts of a couple of specific bands. These are both interests (the specific bands, and theatre) that her friends and partner don't share. Sometimes she buys the tickets and invites me, sometimes vice versa. We've been away for a couple of nights combined with seeing bands abroad or trips to other cities for plays.

I don't really have much in common with my 18 year old, although spending time together at home is lovely we just don't enjoy the same stuff outside the house, except for one sporting activity where I would be a burden as I'm much slower - I'd absolutely hate that, and anyway if I'm honest it's something I prefer to do alone so I can set my own pace.

I don't think it's personal or something to be hurt about, once they're adults it depends how much you actually have genuinely in common and how your personalities work together.

My mother used to try to cajole me into doing her interests with her, but she wasn't interested in anything I was interested in, or at least not the same aspect of any interest (it's all very well to both like music or cinema but if it's completely different music and completely different types of films it's not an interest in common). By adulthood you have to genuinely want to do the same stuff, it's not like taking little kids to see Toy Story and dragging them to church with you, or whatever.

Besidemyselfwithworry · 21/06/2026 19:36

Greedybilly · 21/06/2026 18:23

@Besidemyselfwithworrythanku yes it's very upsetting. I don't think I'm 'needy' and when we do all sit down for s Sunday dinner we have a good laugh/chat. Always get on with mates/bfs etc.

I’m sure it’ll all be fine they’re just navigating young adulthood. You sound like a lovely Mum.

Iloveeverycat · 21/06/2026 19:42

I did this when they were young teens once they got to around 15 they wanted to go out with with there own friends not hang around with me. There is nothing wrong with that they are just spreading their wings.

Peopleshouldhavetails · 21/06/2026 19:47

I do hang out with mine (18&16) but we enjoy similar things and like camping , hikes , gigs etc. They’ve also both struggled with friendships at times so don’t have a large friendship group they often go out with. Perhaps that makes a difference too?

However, I don’t have anything in common with my mum and we never hang out - and have never done as we’re very different people.

BruFord · 21/06/2026 19:49

Pistachiocake · 21/06/2026 19:19

Never at this age. One of my friend's mum's always wanted to talk to us and be one of the "girls"-it was cringy and we felt so sorry for her. She was more embarrassing than Rachel's mum in Friends.
I have promised my daughter I will never do this to her! My mum was fine, and realised she was a midlife woman and left us alone, probaly why our relationship survived.

@Pistachiocake I completely agree, I'd never try to be one of the "girls" nor gatecrash her social life, yikes!

DD and I do things as a duo that we both enjoy, that dynamic works for us.

Greedybilly · 21/06/2026 19:53

@Offherrockingchairyes I know. I love that phrase BTW. X

OP posts:
Greedybilly · 21/06/2026 19:55

@Besidemyselfwithworrythanku.xx

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Springbuck · 21/06/2026 19:55

I’m sorry op, if you were to ask them if they fancied doing something, would they be up for it?
i have two dds 19 and 37 and we’re always doing things.
Holidays, city breaks, spa days and frequent lunches.
The downside is even when they arrange it I usually end up paying 😀
although the elder dd did book and pay for a trip to the Tower of London followed by lunch at F and M for Mother’s Day which I’m really looking forward to.

Greedybilly · 21/06/2026 19:57

@pointythingssounds awful. Well done for getting out of a horrible situation x

OP posts:
Greedybilly · 21/06/2026 20:00

@GoodVibesHere google 'empathy.' Your reply dud come across as very smug and tbh not what I needed right now- I KNOW some people do hang out with their kids. There's always one on MN eh?

OP posts:
Greedybilly · 21/06/2026 20:01

@TheRealWhackerthsnkuou it did come across as a bit smug/mean.

OP posts:
Greedybilly · 21/06/2026 20:02

Thanks for (most of) your replies and thoughts.xx

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babasaclover · 21/06/2026 20:11

@Greedybillyat their ages not a chance but got to around 21 and really starting enjoyed my mums company. Currently on holiday with her which we do whenever possible and as I’m older than you my daughter comes too. Do not despair it’ll come xxx

Nottodaty · 21/06/2026 20:11

Im close to my girls , 23 & 16. We regularly catch up for just us 3. Even when eldest was at uni we would make the effort. We currently all flumped on sofa watching a documentary on Netflix.

I do notice a slightly different relationship with my youngest, she is a little more independent and secretive (not in a bad way but small things, she happy to do her self - she opened her own monzo account and saving account) She also winds me up telling me she going to a uni far away. In time we will find a rhythm, I’ll be cautious not push her away but will figure a way that she is happy with.

Waitingfordoggo · 21/06/2026 20:18

My DD is 20. We go through phases. I sometimes don’t manage more than a 5 minute conversation with her over the space of a week (she often stays over at her gf’s or gf stays at ours or she is out with friends etc). But at other times we have an unplanned catch up when she comes in from work and we start chatting and then it turns into an hour long rambling discussion about all sorts of topics (we both have lots of opinions about lots of things and get into political/societal type discussions).

I do think it’s very common at this age for there to be some distance. They are becoming adults and this stage takes quite some time. I agree with what PP said about ages 18-23- similarly I was quite distant from my mum at that age. I loved her and liked her but was busy finding out who I was, socialising, partying, falling in love… all those kinds of things. Don’t fret- I expect there will be a time you are closer again and they will want to spend more time with you.

Oricolt · 21/06/2026 20:27

Yes, all three of my teens enjoy spending time with me. I would say, though, that this is not something that has happened by accident. I have always taken a huge interest in their interests, and always gone out of my way to cultivate a good relationship with them.

My eldest and I have lots in common so it's easy. She lives in another city, but when she comes home we go shopping, go to cafes, and just yap the whole time. It's bliss.

My middle hates shopping and cafes, so we go running, sign up for sport things, or plan big hikes. I treasure this time with him. I've been on so many runs that I didn't much feel like because time with my kids is the point.

My youngest is trickier. We don't naturally have much in common, and try as I might, I can't get into video gaming. So I take her to all her things and enjoy chatting on the car ride there and back. I watch movies and take her to car shows - neither of which are my sort of thing but time with her is my thing so cars and movies it is!!

reluctantbrit · 21/06/2026 20:27

DD is ND so the idea of idle shopping trips bring out the hives in her.
If we go shopping, then we try a nicer cafe/restaurant.

We have a joint interest so we sometimes do things related to that.

Going to the theatre/musical is also something we do together.

We still do family holidays so it's nice to spend time together, I also went on a trip alone with her.

PurpleCanary · 21/06/2026 20:27

DD17 and I don’t hang out much just the odd tv programme sometimes. I feel like she’s just too busy and I’m bottom of the list, but recently I decided I’ll like to hang out more and have a better relationship so I invited her abroad for a long weekend. I was apprehensive, I assumed I’d annoy or embarrass her and that she’d spend most of the weekend with her headphones in but it was great! We talked loads, cooked together, worked out the public transport system and really felt like a team rather than a parent/child or leader/follower. We both really enjoyed it and will def do it again. You’ve identified that you’d like to spend more time together which is just the first step to change so that’s great. Don’t feel sad, let it spur to you action.

HaveYouFedTheFish · 21/06/2026 20:39

PurpleCanary · 21/06/2026 20:27

DD17 and I don’t hang out much just the odd tv programme sometimes. I feel like she’s just too busy and I’m bottom of the list, but recently I decided I’ll like to hang out more and have a better relationship so I invited her abroad for a long weekend. I was apprehensive, I assumed I’d annoy or embarrass her and that she’d spend most of the weekend with her headphones in but it was great! We talked loads, cooked together, worked out the public transport system and really felt like a team rather than a parent/child or leader/follower. We both really enjoyed it and will def do it again. You’ve identified that you’d like to spend more time together which is just the first step to change so that’s great. Don’t feel sad, let it spur to you action.

This is a good post for you to read@Greedybilly

BruFord · 21/06/2026 20:40

PurpleCanary · 21/06/2026 20:27

DD17 and I don’t hang out much just the odd tv programme sometimes. I feel like she’s just too busy and I’m bottom of the list, but recently I decided I’ll like to hang out more and have a better relationship so I invited her abroad for a long weekend. I was apprehensive, I assumed I’d annoy or embarrass her and that she’d spend most of the weekend with her headphones in but it was great! We talked loads, cooked together, worked out the public transport system and really felt like a team rather than a parent/child or leader/follower. We both really enjoyed it and will def do it again. You’ve identified that you’d like to spend more time together which is just the first step to change so that’s great. Don’t feel sad, let it spur to you action.

@PurpleCanary Yes, that type of experience together can be great!

Greedybilly · 21/06/2026 20:45

Hmmm I've suggested so many things tho - shows, pics, galleries, city breaks, lunch, walks jeez the list is endless but they always have something better to do! I'm v happy they have friends/hobbies etc - just hurts sometimes! I guess I'll just keep myself busy and see if they get a bit more amenable over the years! They're really not girly girls but who doesn't like being taken out for lunch? Thanks again for comments.x

OP posts:
minipie · 21/06/2026 20:53

I was very close to my mum as a teen but we didn’t really do stuff out of the house together other than the occasional clothes shop. Mostly we just chatted a lot at home.

When I went out it was with friends - it honestly wouldn’t have occurred to me or my mum to go out to the cinema or a show or lunch together even though we got on well and were close. Maybe because we saw plenty of each other at home??

Anyway I guess what I’m saying is it’s possible to have a close relationship with a DD without doing stuff out of the house together.

PurpleCanary · 21/06/2026 22:52

Greedybilly · 21/06/2026 20:45

Hmmm I've suggested so many things tho - shows, pics, galleries, city breaks, lunch, walks jeez the list is endless but they always have something better to do! I'm v happy they have friends/hobbies etc - just hurts sometimes! I guess I'll just keep myself busy and see if they get a bit more amenable over the years! They're really not girly girls but who doesn't like being taken out for lunch? Thanks again for comments.x

Just don’t give up asking because even if you keep asking and keep getting rejected, on some subliminal level it’s sending out a signal that you want to spend more time together. . I asked so many times and just got “hmm thanks but no”.. I even started joking about it and saying “ok, well I’ll keep asking.. and one day you’ll say yes”.. so to some extent it’s self fulfilling.