DS10 repeatedly getting called a fat fuck at school.

[JudithsDead]

DS is 10 and in year 5. There is a boy in his year, not class, who clearly has a lot of behavioural problems although he seems a bright articulate boy from my interactions with him over the years. He has come from quite a chaotic background and I’m not sure of any diagnoses he has.

He has either one or two teachers at arms length at all times. He has taken recently to calling my son a fat fuck whenever he sees him. He shouts “you lanky fat fuck” or variations of several times a day whenever he’s sees my son in corridors/canteen/playground. Often there is also a threat I’m going to get you/kill you/destroy you, watch out type of thing. My son is a fairly resilient cheerful type with lots of friends but it does get him down. He has body anxieties anyway as he is carrying extra weight, he’s very very tall (158cm) with size 8 feet and is just generally built like a shit house and he’s not technically very overweight but he’s just big. So it feeds into that and it’s just draining him a bit as it’s constant. If he says anything back he gets told by this boys 1-2-1s that he’s not allowed to engage with him.

He never sees these 1-2-1s castigate this boy for anything he says, obviously we don’t know what else goes on. He says they’ve all been generally told this boy has different needs and to ignore anything nasty he says.

I spoke to the dep head last week as it was getting too much and they were both called in, this boy was made to promise not to name call again which he agreed to. This hasn’t worked as the same things are happening again. He was called a lanky fat fuck again today and when he didn’t respond was taunted “are you going to run and tell mummy again”. The 1-2-1 was there and didn’t say anything.

I have put another call into the school - is there anything else I can do other than be a bit of a squeaky wheel and just keep on at the school?

The other thing, and please advise me whether I should raise it, is the 1:1 who is silent I made a complaint about 7 years ago in regard to my elder son. I find her a very difficult person and don’t have much faith in her personally. I’ve no idea if she remembers the complaint or if she knows DS is my son. But I do wonder if that’s impacting and she’s staying silent because she think just thinks “well your family can fuck off”. Her whole vibe is sort of sullen teenager so it’s just making me think.

This 1000%!!!

Basically another vile little pos learning that he can use his sen to get away with whatever he wants.

Tbh, I love the solution above of speaking cheerily in similar terms to the headmaster every time you see him. The image makes me roar.

Having said this, I do find it depressing how often the F word has been used on this thread. If we want children generally to behave in a reasonably civilised manner we all have to do so too. (I count myself as someone whose language is dreadful sometimes but I am now having to set a decent example and I do try to rein myself in.)

Anyway back to the point. I was just going to ask and it’s a genuine query - given our society is increasingly litigious, why do parents of victims not sue the LA more often? People sue for all sorts of ‘words’ it seems and now we have children being physically hurt at school, bullies not being punished effectively or removed, and schools failing in their duty of care to all children.

I don’t want it to go this way but it might come and the huge costs might galvanise us into imposing sanctions that work on parents of wrongdoers.

Another Mum of a boy who was fat, before and in early puberty. He wasn't eating badly,, he was exercising,.but he was fat. It was not nice for him as he ate much less than his skinny brother. Now, he is taller than his brother and his entire body composition has changed. One of my friends said he was unrecognisable and she is right.. I barely recognise the boy he was a few years ago. Another friend told me her older boy went through exactly the same.. it was quite painful and hard to teach them to love their bodies during these really difficult transitions.

It is completely unacceptable that this is allowed to continue at school. If no one at school can control this boy, then he should not be allowed to be in the same area of the playground as your son or have any passing contact with him. No matter how many times you tell your son he is perfect and you love him, hearing this at school will impact his self esteem.

Are you a child with significant SEN?
If you are an adult, then it is absolutely not okay and I would hope and expect you would be banned from school.

No one here has any idea how the 1:1 handles it - we are getting the third hand report of what a child has seen at one point in time.
No one knows how the SEN child is handled - it may well be that the 1:1 knows that the SEN child was deregulated and needs time to calm down before a consequence and restorative conversation is had.

Posters on this thread have no idea the best way to handle this SEN child as we aren’t his SENCO, we are merely keyboard warriors and most likely very few of us actually have any idea of best practice with a deregulated child with special needs.

You are clearly triggered by this, but the sen of the boy doesn’t not mean the OPs son deserves to be subjected to damaging and abusive langauge day in and day out, not be allowed to defend himself (when the school is entirely failing to do so) and be told off if he tries to stand up for himself.

You points may be valid about disregulation, and maybe he is getting consequences at other times (though I doubt that tbh) but that is no help to OPs son.

Maybe if the adults were subject to the same language day in day out they would appreciate a little how damaging it is and that they need to do better to protect all the other children from this little shit boy.

@JudithsDead maybe not the most balanced of lessons, but I’d be telling my son to respond in kind, and to give a smack if he gets the opportunity, at the moment he is a target and he needs to make himself less easy to pick on, I.e. put the fear of god up the little shit. I’d also stand no messing form the teachers or 1 to 1s, if they can’t/wont protect DS he will do so for himself and they can suck it up.

He is, isn't he.

if DC lost their their temper I can't say I'd blame him (I'd hold his bag)

'Are you going to run & tell Mummy again'

No, you had your chance WALLOP. Land him on his arse.

fuck the 1:1, they had their opportunity

Bloody hell. His weight is in the NORMAL range. It is high in the normal range but a range is just that a RANGE. Some people are in the top end of the range because otherwise you would not have a bloody range, and a normal BMI or weight would just be a single number, which would be ridiculous. His mother is not in denial.

But I would say this, even if he were fat ( WHICH HE IS NOT) he does not deserve to be bullied. Suggesting he lose weight in response to bullying for a non existent weight problem is a fine example of victim blaming,

Why should he listen to the Ta if the kid she has isn’t?
Id tell him to keep up with the replies.

Ask for a meeting every single time it happens.

The kid calling the OP’s son a fat fuck? He quite frankly needs a smack in the jaw. Hopefully he’ll swear at the wrong kid one day and get a fist in his face.

I might get called evil for saying this but we’d be waiting till the ta isn’t around and saying something outrageously nasty about the chaotic background and needing a TA to be with you all the time. Yes we would be going there.

Then just deny it when he tells TA and there’s nothing he can physically do against a kid whos built like a brick shithouse but if he wants to try well let him find out.

Not evil @Expensivecoat but childish and unpleasant, sure. Don't think that would solve anything.

@JudithsDead I think I would keep a log of when it happens, where and who is with him and complain (and escalate it) every time. The boy's issues should not be made to be your son's issue. It is sustained bullying, no matter the cause. I doubt it is tourettes because he is saying other stuff not just the fat xxxx insult.

Get the bullying policy out. If it's not available, point out it is not available.

I wouldn't mention your previous complaint because you have no way of knowing if this is true and then it makes it personal. What you can do is make a new complaint that she is not saying anything to this boy when it happens and just being a bystander. That is not ok either.

Get a meeting with the head.

He needs a taste of his own medicine

I have just come from the thread about the three year old being thrown into the crocodile pit. This is where these problems start - a child with additional needs is essentially allowed to do what he likes at school with no consequences because of his needs and because teachers and support workers are hamstrung by all
the rules and regulations and can’t stop him. He grows up into a big strong man who is never told no and whose behaviour is constantly excused - and then he attacks a random toddler at a zoo for no reason. It’s terrifying.

A laugh and then a “I may be fat but at least my mother loves me” or “at least I’m not so thick I have a teacher follow me everywhere”

Yeah it’s mean and We can hand wring all we want but get to secondary school and kids will start responding to his shitty comments with this anyway

This is brilliant

All that happens if you call the head teacher names is that you will be banned from school premises and another member of staff will walk your children to you at the first bit of public land you can wait on. Happened at my child's school with a parent who thought they were a smart arse.

@JudithsDead keep a diary, put everything in writing, every conversation you have face to face, take notes, be seen to be taking notes, follow it up with an email and confirm what was said in writing. You need a paper trail. Look up their policies on their website for bullying, safeguarding and complaints so you can see what you can do and what they are meant to be doing. Hold them accountable.

As @Smartiepants79 says there are so many hoops schools have to jump through, everything from 1 to 1 LSA/TA with the child, lessons in making "good choices" and then they have to give it time to see if these things work. Where I volunteered there was a 7 page document pinned up in the staff room showing all of this. As a volunteer I was not in those classrooms where they needed to physically remove a child but I sure as hell could hear the yelling and the get off me you fuckers I will kill you all you bastards.

Personally I think I would let my child answer back but keep it factual, so he says fat fuck your child says, "And yet you are the one with a TA always by your side." This is a statement of fact, not an opinion. Just keep repeating that. It is completely shit when your child is told off for saying anything back. What does that teach our children? To just take abuse daily whether verbal or physical.

Squeaky wheel and use the school’s own policies against them. They will have a policy on bullying and definitions. I would follow the stages to the letter, in writing (email) using the relevant definitions. I would also repeatedly refer to safeguarding your child and insist on assurances on how they are being kept safe. Focus on that not punishing the ill behaved child.

One of my kids was being bullied and I did this. The teacher called me (who frankly was a big part of the problem as had zero child control) and said she didn’t think it was bullying. Except I weaponise definitions for a living and could clearly show how she was wrong. And I followed up in writing sitting out her call, noting her position and how this did not align with the school’s own policy.

For the school the easiest position is you and your child suck it up. It is probably a challenging position for them with no easy answers and perhaps other kids treated worse. But would absolutely, politely and relentlessly, follow their policy to make them resolve it. It may help to talk in terms of outcomes you want -

• a safe environment where he is repeatedly not subject to repeated obscene and abusive language.
• This bullying is damaging his mental health which I know you will regard as unacceptable given (find something they say on mental health)
• I look forward to a meeting next week at which you can assure me on how this will be achieved

At our school if a child were like this the school don’t put up with it and simply say they can’t meet need.

every child has a right to go to school and feel safe from harm.

there was a boy in year 5 at our school who the kids were terrified of, he would kick off in class and everyone has to vacate etc.

he didn’t last very long as parents weren’t happy and they ganged up on the school and the boy had to leave.

I wouldn’t let this lie op. I would sit in the school until the head had made a suitable plan to keep children safe and what will happen if that plan fails.

i would also be speaking to the local authority education department, the school governors and the academy head office (if the school is an academy).

I would also be speaking to all the local schools in the area and asking if the have a place (even if you have no intention of moving him) and explaining why you want to move your son. All head teachers know each other and they all talk and it looks really bad on the school when they ring the head up and repeat what you’ve said.

Obviously, these things are too far. But I do think that it raises the point, this child is being led to believe he can say whatever he wants and nothing happens, while no one is allowed to even tell him off for it. As he becomes an adult, this will carry on, soon he'll be beating his partner etc.

If he isn't capable of behaving in a way that respects the other children's rights, he needs to be removed and put in a suitable environment that means his behaviour doesn't impact other children. Yes it's sad, but plenty of children have difficult home lives and neurodiversity and don't abuse other children. Autism isn't your get out of all consequences card. Jonty Bravery was still found guilty, his autism may mean he's in broadmoor rather than prison but it doesn't mean we just say 'oh well, never mind, he's autistic so what can you do?'

I’m only in my 20s so young enough that there were kids who thought having a hard home life/mild learning difficulties were a an excuse for everything when I was at school
As soon as they got to secondary school the other kids had got to the point where they were so sick of his/her shit they would rip into them over their home life/school grades.
Its an inevitable lesson that will be learnt and maybe sooner is better than later?

I would never advise responding in kind or even hitting the boy. Your son needs to continue as he is. But the school needs to step up and deal with this!

As for the thread derails about weight, to be fair the first post misleadingly suggested the boy is overweight, when in fact it turns out he's high end of the healthy BMI range.

"he is carrying extra weight", "he’s not technically very overweight"

He's not technically overweight at all! And he shouldn't have to put up with abuse either way anyway.

Yes I was also tempted by "I'd rather be lanky than need a babysitter" but thought that might escalate things.

Couldn't give a toss if the TA are around. Total double standards telling kids off for replying to verbal abuse but not telling the kid off who started it!

Seems like when kids get bullied it often ends once they've stood up for themselves. This poor boy is just looking like an easy target by not being allowed to defend himself.

I agree he’s looking for an easy target in a sweet boy he knows will be upset but won’t do anything back