How should we handle siblings when one child’s temper scares the other?

[Jinglejinglejingle7]

So dc just had an argument, they hardly argue but when they do its big and loud. In the garden over a football! Ds10 ended up hitting football out of dd12 hands and got really angry shouting etc. Dd arguing back then got that point- burst into tears , ran in house. She's since said she was scared of ds when he loses temper- she thought he would hit her (he never has, dont think he would & shes never been hit) i said she needs to stand up to anyone who bully's by shouting, losing temperature as she will meet alot of boys along the way like that. Dh takes a different approach, says she should be wary as doesn't want t to be hurt in the future. What's everyone's opinion?

It’s not about what dd should do or should have done. It’s about your son. He should not be shouting or screaming at anyone. He needs to be told firmly that he cannot behave like that. As an older child now he has to be responsible for his actions.

Your son needs to behave himself, your poor dd.

You are excusing your DS' behaviour and making your DD responsible. You are teaching her to put herself at risk of violence.

Your DH is correct - your DD should not have to deal with this aggression in the first place.

You need to tackle your DS' unacceptable behaviour.

Has she seen a lot of violence in her life i think its quite an unusual reaction. Siblings fight nothing you wrote seems extreme.

Is this a reverse and it was actually your brother?

I can't believe you wouldn't call DS out on this behaviour. I have a child who can struggle with his temper and we pull it up every single time, and help him learn strategies to cool down in the moment. (It is improving). I do remember how utterly infuriating my sister could be, but particularly when it is one sided parents need to step in.

It's not OK for a child to aggressively terrorise their sibling. Screaming at her and slapping something out of her hands is not OK behaviour, siblings or not. And no, it is not generally good advice for women and girls to "stand up to" aggressive men, because many men acting this way would escalate if stood up to.

If nothing else he needs better outlets for his feelings before someone feels threatened enough to retaliate.

Jeez. Your poor daughter
How about you actually parent your son and stop putting her in positions that scare her while insinuating it’s somehow her issue to fix?
Unless this is some sort of tedious reverse?

Im so suprised by these comments do your kids not fight with each other? Did you not fight with your siblings as kids?

You son should not be intimidating his sister to the point of fear and tears. Unchecked this will only get worse as he gets physically bigger.
Your DD as the elder does, however, perhaps need to learn to walk away from him. Does depend on the circumstances and who was ultimately wrong/caused the argument.

Boys can be physically intimidating even if they’re younger. This is a good time to teach him about his physicality and how he is using it in a misogynistic way to intimidate a female who is at a disadvantage.

This sounds draconian for a 10 year old boy but this is where it starts. The older they get, the more testosterone they have, the more dominance they apply. This is where male privilege and arrogance starts. All parents of sons should be addressing this.

Not all siblings fight. Lots of families don't tolerate it.

No and no.

Occasionally yes. But there were consequences from parents to the instigator and there was NEVER fear of violence- not with my children or for me with siblings.
That would have been stamped on VERY hard in both cases

10 and 12 is old enough for both children to be civilised to each other. Your DD chose flight over fight and that is as valid choice as any.

Nip it in the bud now. My sister was like this to me in childhood. We're now no contact as she still acts like this as an adult, both physically and mentally.

FFS yeah blame the one at the end of the temper not the one dishing it out who needs to learn to moderate there behaviour and not knock something from another.

Sorry! Should have added ds was dealt with- we definitely spoke to him, consequences etc. Explained the big issue was not the football but the fact he made dd scared. We both agree on that so I forgot to mention it! The issue is was asking about is my dd's reaction. @Screamingabdabz this is what im trying to get to! I don't want dd to be scared of boys/men because theyre aggressive/ intimidating. Obviously teaching ds not to be like that is major, ongoing thing.... but im asking about dd.

I agree with you op it seems an extreme reaction from dd.

People shouting can be scary.

how would you be planning to get her to stand up to them? Telling her to is unlikely to be effective.

He’s a child now, but he will be an adult, and screaming and shouting when he’s angry is not acceptable.

You need to step on and stop looking at him as a child. He scared your dd. That is not ok

Yes he's a child with child emotions the majority of people learn to manage their emotions as they get older.

Of course she will be scared of boys/men when they're aggressive and intimidating. Most women are. Someone much bigger and stronger than you shouting and getting in your face aggressively IS scary, isn't it? Rather than worry about your daughter's reaction, I'd be teaching your son about learning to control his temper!

Can I clarify - were they both arguing and shouting up to the point that he knocked the ball out of her hands? What started it? Why was she holding the ball?

How do you know that he is bigger and stronger than his sister who’s 2 years older than him?

Some do, and some carry on to be dickhead adults.

He’s allowed to be angry and frustrated, but he needs to learn to manage it in a more healthy manner

Yes both shouting (not usual behaviour for either!) Arguing over who's ball it was. 2 balls- slightly different colours, ds wanted to play football, dd ran over to check he didn't use her ball- grabbed ball to stop him. Argued a bit, then he knocked ball out of hands, losing temper.