How should we handle siblings when one child’s temper scares the other?

[Jinglejinglejingle7]

So dc just had an argument, they hardly argue but when they do its big and loud. In the garden over a football! Ds10 ended up hitting football out of dd12 hands and got really angry shouting etc. Dd arguing back then got that point- burst into tears , ran in house. She's since said she was scared of ds when he loses temper- she thought he would hit her (he never has, dont think he would & shes never been hit) i said she needs to stand up to anyone who bully's by shouting, losing temperature as she will meet alot of boys along the way like that. Dh takes a different approach, says she should be wary as doesn't want t to be hurt in the future. What's everyone's opinion?

“I don't want dd to be scared of boys/men because theyre aggressive/ intimidating.”

She should be scared of men when they’re aggressive. That’s a very normal and self protective response.

Shes much taller than him, hes not physically intimidating (yet!) thats part of why I was saying don't let him intimidate you, hes smaller, weaker, younger, just louder! I dont want her to end up running off in tears in school etc. Im not excusing my ds- hes definitely feeling bad about it now- I was just concerned about dd.

Why don't you want her to feel natural fear? It will possibly keep her safe.

Running away is a sensible response to violence!

Why don't you want her to run away in school?

School should be absolutely cracking down on any violence.

Your focus on the victim's behaviour is quite strange.

Ok,im not one to back down/ run away, I had 3 brothers, im quite tough. So maybe its a me thing- shes not handling it as I would, so maybe the issue is me....

He is 10, not 3.
Needs to control his temper. If he acts like that in secondary school he will be suspended

Women having to learn how to stay safe and deal with a man's temper starts young.

You are fundamentally trying to get her to ignore her instinct for self preservation then. Thats not ok
Just because your own threshold for violence and intimidation is higher, that doesn’t make her wrong.

Of course, but we tell them off for it. And my sister and I used to get told off for it as a child.

If it's six of one half a dozen of the other then that would probably stand, but I would take it more seriously if one DC was crossing a line and scaring the other.

Sort your son out. He is getting older and could very well turn into a nasty, aggressive man that other girls will meet along the way!!!

When you're one girl among three boys you probably saw more of the common male jostling to prove their strength kind of thing and would have copied that. But your daughter doesn't have 2+ brothers to observe doing that, she just has one, and he is probably reaching an age where his strength is starting to overtake hers.

I'm not saying he is - I'm saying men in general are bigger and stronger than women and if someone is aggressively shouting and angry, it's a normal reaction to feel scared.

Hes not a man he's a 10 year old boy. Its highly likely his 12 year old sister is bigger then him

She needs to stand up for herself. As much as he needs to control his temper she can't run off crying! All kids argue and occasionally gets out of hand. All kids need to be able to stand up for themselves. What will happen of someone shouted at her in the street. Would she cry or defend herself

You say that we've exactly the same problem as the OP but it's escalated. He's now being seen privately. The diagnosis is ADHD. Now we know we can deal with it more successfully I hope. That loss of control is frightening to a sensitive child.

I think your approach is outdated. These days all kids (boys and girls) are taught to get out of harm's way.

People shouldn't need to be tough - it sounds like you grew up in an environment that wasn't very well supervised!

You weren't there on the receiving end. You cannot judge.

You will nurture courage and confidence in your daughter if you back her up and stop second guessing her reactions to frightening behaviour inflicted on her by her own brother.

Asking a girl to ‘defend herself’ in that situation completely ignores the power dynamic that women and girls are disadvantaged by.

It’s misogynistic to suggest that ‘running off crying’ is an unhelpful response when actually removing yourself and feeling emotional is the most natural thing for girls and women when faced with male aggression.

What a shame all the emphasis is put on females to respond appropriately and ‘not make such a fuss’ and the inference that male aggression towards females is inevitable.

The thing is, she should be scared of aggressive, intimidating men. They are dangerous.

In order for her not to feel scared, she will have to squash her valid feelings of fear - to cauterise them, effectively.

What you need to teach her is that men are dangerous and that both you and DH are committed to building a world where that is less true.

Start with your son - by making him understand that screaming at girls/women is not simply 'bad behaviour' but ethically, politically wrong. Teach him what the patriarchy is and how it works.

Thanks all. Its so hard,always tried to treat them equally, dont want dd to feel the need to be scared or weaker than boys.... also to poster who had same issue- my ds is suspected ADHD too!

She should be scared of a person who is screaming at her. It is aggressive, antisocial behavior. Instead of engaging and escalating, you should be teaching her to get away from the situation. Then counsel her to reconsider her relationship with anyone who behaves like that regularly.

You are excusing this as typical male behavior. It is not.

But she SHOULD be scared. It's a natural instinct that could save her life one day.

I would classify this as absolutely normal sibling behaviour. She took the ball off him, he knocked it out of her hands, she ran in crying.

Why? Should he have meekly allowed a taller, older sibling who was shouting at him to take his ball just because she’s a girl?
God, the sexism on here astounds me! Everyone assuming he’s at fault because he’s male when in reality it was literally 50/50.

She was screaming at him too. Ergo by your standards she was also being aggressive and anti-social.
It is typical sibling behaviour from both sexes when the siblings are close in age.