School refusing 6 year old, what to do?

[Twoweeksinaugust]

6 y/o ds has always been happy enough to go to school, he's never loved it but he goes without complaint.

For the last 3 Mondays he's refused to go, 1st time I handled it terribly and shouted as I needed to get to work and was stressed. Last week I was absolutely calm and let him stay home. Gave him a pep talk last night, he was in floods of tears and has refused to go today.

He just keeps saying he'll miss us too much. School office say nothing unusual happens on a Monday except whole school assembly, he tells me this isn't the problem.

Teacher has been absolutely useless and not returned my call to discuss / make a plan.

I'm at my wits end. He's home now, been told if he stays home he's to play in his room all day as we're WFH, there'll be no playing in the garden, trip to the park etc....I'm hoping he'll get so bored he goes to school.

He eats well, sleeps well, gets loads of exercise and fresh air.

Any advice? Please don't say physically force him, I won't, he's strong and determined and one of us will get injured, plus he's too heavy to carry 2 miles to school!

OP if you are still reading and managing to ignore all the unhelpful comments, what worked for my son when he was 6 was to give him something of mine to keep in his pocket during the school day. In our case it was a little square of knitting, but it could be anything small and replaceable, so that he doesn’t miss you quite so much while he’s there. It was a tiny change, suggested by his teacher, and it really worked.

I think the first thing is to make staying at home a really boring option. If he isn't going to go to school for his learning then make him sit and do it. No games. No playing. No tv. He has probably realized you are both wfh on Mondays and thinks a day of play sounds more fun than school.

Hi Op, does your school have an MHST/EMHP? If not, can you ask your GP, whether your locality has an CWP team you can be referred to? This is a typical case early intervention teams would work with. I would recommend this book www.amazon.co.uk/Creswell-Helping-Worries-self-help-Paperback/dp/B08L15BXY5/ref=asc_df_B08L15BXY5?mcid=b7b66d912289395cba75135051aa4fb0&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697181752995&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=17554841778922798572&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045988&hvtargid=pla-1272171885537&psc=1&hvocijid=17554841778922798572-B08L15BXY5-&hvexpln=0&gad_source=1&dplnkId=467ffd56-8934-49c9-afc9-fa8bf67dba5a&nodl=1

Does this happen on a Tuesday OP? Or is it just Monday? Is he struggling with the transition from the weekend at home to Monday going to school? I agree with giving him something of yours to keep in his pocket - needs to not be distracting though or it could cause problems at school. Could he go in a little earlier than everyone else do you think that might help? When it's quieter?

The thing that really helped DS at this age (he had the same issue, later diagnosed with ASD) was to come home for lunch - do you think that might help? So he only has to go half a day without seeing you. School didn't love the idea but it was great for DS.

He’s 6 not 16. Yes, you need to make him go. Letting him stay at home is a big mistake. My youngest hated school, but its a non negotiable.

Schools in my view are far easier places than they were 30 years ago, they fall over themselves to discuss mental health, are far more understanding of individual children’s quirks and personalities, they are definitely a lot less rigid than my school days, the whole set-up is less intense. Yet things seem to be so much harder for children, so many seem unable to attend or struggle. What’s causing it? And how do we fix it?

Can anyone else take him? My friends daughter started having issues on a Monday so I took her for 4 weeks on a Monday and no issue ever again.

Op, I get it, I think you’re getting harsh replies from some, who have obviously never dealt with school refusal.

I get it, my son made every morning incredibly hard. He never actually got to the point of physically refusing thankfully, but he was very vocal and angry every morning. And the moaning and begging would start again in the night.

I definitely think ADHD had something to do with it. There were no problems as such, he just hated the strict regime, and boredom of having to sit in a seat all day.

Maybe if you can’t get the teacher to engage, go to the head, try and put a plan in place. Maybe he can take a fidget toy in, or the teacher could give him a job (such as getting the register) first thing on a Monday morning to make him feel important and useful.

I like the idea pp suggested of walking in with a friend if that’s possible.

Our primary I still see now coming out to a kid who is refusing, every day, and encouraging him in. You really do need support here.

This is good advice, and should be standard imo. A lot of these old fashioned techniques didn’t even work as much as people love to claim. Even if they produced immediate results the long term wasn’t always great.

No, as you described it, this would be permissive. However, gentle parenting would involve curiosity about the behaviour and a solution that helps the child in the long term.

Speak to the school. We meet reluctant children at the door (or car) and bring them in. For this to work, you need to be firm and matter of fact about it - that refusing isn’t an option. Be cheery but don’t prolong things. We have a number of children who need meeting. They’re brought in and usually have a TA or a friend helping them until they’re settled - which happens very quickly for the majority of them.

He won’t thank you in the long run OP. He doesn’t know best as he’s 6. You’re the parent, you know best.

Get that boy back to school. If I can carry my DS8 from a car, you can carry your 6yr old.

He's 6. You pick him up and take him into the classroom five minutes before the whistle goes. Hand him physically to the teaching assistant, give him a kiss, say you'll see him at 3pm, and then walk away.

If you’re letting a child dictate to you at six I don’t envy you the teenage years. The last thing you should have done was keep him at home the first time let alone subsequent times. At that age I would have said to my son he’s going and there’s nothing up for discussion.

Its the working from home. Why should children go to school when everyone else is at home? When more people left to go to work a child going to school was part of a families routine. Everyone get up gets ready and leaves the home...they then all return later... and the child witnesses this pattern...Now in some families a child maybe the only one leaving the house..

I was a school refuser at that age. And yes, my mum pretty much dragged me into school, throwing up multiple times on the way. Ended up staying in full time education until I was 23. Definitely try to find out what is bothering him, but at that age he needs to know school is not negotiable.

He’s 6. He goes to school end of, allowing any variation in the go to school mantra is how it builds. Yes he misses you so you step up and tell him he’s a big boy and will be fine

@AguNwaanyi

in the past school refusing was incredibly rare, now it’s really common. The old ways worked for the vast majority. Also behaviour etc was better in the past

I am so sorry to hear this. My experience (as a teacher of 25 years and working with refusers) is all with secondary age so I might not be much help but I’ll try.

You can’t physically force him it will be too traumatic for all of you.

It would be great if his teacher could engage and meet you. They might have been off sick or simply overwhelmed with work so be gentle! Ring school and ask for a message to be passed to them that you need to meet them but ask if there’s someone else such as SENDCO or support worker who could help.

You’re right that a plan is required and gradual exposure back to school can work well. I have met older kids who have seemingly voted with their feet and refused for no apparent reason. They usually end up under CAMHS and being home tutored. You’re a long way from that at the moment.

If you can’t get your son return on a phased return, a GP appointment and referral might be next step. I’d also contact your access and inclusion worker at your local council. I have known situations like this blow over and I’ve known kids never return to school. It can be a tough road to be on.

This is embarrassing he’s 6!! Pick him up and get him to school.

Teachers don’t have time to fart about trying to get a school refuser into class

Most children have a period of not wanting to go to school. Thats not school refusal its just thinking being at home will be nicer today. When you indulge the child by letting them decide to stay at home it starts to become a problem. This has happened because you are not strong enough to tell your six year old child that he is going to school and there is no other option.

I’m waiting for someone to say ‘That’s EBSA, poor boy, get him an EHCP…..’

The teacher is useless because they haven’t got back to you to make a plan?!
The teacher is busy teaching the children whose parents took them to school.
Don’t make them responsible for your parenting.

I went through this with my DS for quite some time. Eventually cracked it. Has consistently worked since through a change of school. He has ADHD and various other alphabet soup.
You need school on side - they need to not try to persuade him. Just be there being cheery. You might want to book AL the first couple of times...

And take a book.

Once we got to school I would open the car door. If he's likely to shut himself in the car and lock the door then stand there holding it open. Read your book. Don't look at him or talk. Just wait. He'll get bored. Say "oh well done you're ready to get out" if he undoes his seat belt" but otherwise no talking. He will get bored.

Once he gets out quickly shut the door and lock the car. Again, just a quick "well done you're ready to go in".

We had this with steps to the front door where I sat on the floor of the foyer again reading my book!

Just ignore him. He'll get bored soon enough.