School refusing 6 year old, what to do?

[Twoweeksinaugust]

6 y/o ds has always been happy enough to go to school, he's never loved it but he goes without complaint.

For the last 3 Mondays he's refused to go, 1st time I handled it terribly and shouted as I needed to get to work and was stressed. Last week I was absolutely calm and let him stay home. Gave him a pep talk last night, he was in floods of tears and has refused to go today.

He just keeps saying he'll miss us too much. School office say nothing unusual happens on a Monday except whole school assembly, he tells me this isn't the problem.

Teacher has been absolutely useless and not returned my call to discuss / make a plan.

I'm at my wits end. He's home now, been told if he stays home he's to play in his room all day as we're WFH, there'll be no playing in the garden, trip to the park etc....I'm hoping he'll get so bored he goes to school.

He eats well, sleeps well, gets loads of exercise and fresh air.

Any advice? Please don't say physically force him, I won't, he's strong and determined and one of us will get injured, plus he's too heavy to carry 2 miles to school!

Slightly different as this was during covid and lockdown when dd was in reception. Then diagnosed ND. I took her in later and she could stand in the playground until everyone had gone in and it was quite. I think dd had a element of anxiety with transition so could only go in when nothing else was going on.

Ask school if he start 15 minutes later on Monday until he is back to his normal self. It wasn't a treat. It was a minor adjustment. Better to a bit late than go in kicking and screaming

We didn’t have a PRU. If you dicked around you got Saturday detention or sent to the Headmistress.

We have EBSA and NEETS due to screens meddling with kids brains, parents and schools making them anxious by mithering them about their feelings all the time, and a lack of the basics such as proper food and sleep.

And what happens when a 5 or 6 year old is forced into their uniform, picked up whilst fighting screaming and struggling and they get accidentally hurt? If that happens the parents will have safeguarding referrals . I’ve said this already in the thread as it’s not appropriate to restrain a child. I don’t think some posters are aware that some children will literally kick fight and resist with all their strength and they will get injured

Why would they?

Yes it is absolutely appropriate to restrain children. I stopped mine from unbuckling car seats, jumping from the buggy, and climbing things they shouldn’t. I wouldn’t hesitate to carry them to school.

All part of being a good parent. It is not abuse or hitting.

Did anyone see Kellie Bright: Autism and Me on BBC iPlayer?

There was a 6 year old EBSA on that. I watched it with an open mind, knowing kids can really kick off sometimes. But the weak handwringing of her parents, and their constant conceding to her, meant I could clearly identify a child who rules the roost because the parents ‘discipline’ was pulling sad faces and asking things in a nice voice. They even let her grab back a toy they had confiscated and were holding. It was a joke.

They were there, but schools met more children’s needs in the past. The last 20 years have seen huge changes in education.

There were more special schools, schools weren’t so hot on attendance, they didn’t put as much pressure on children, there were different schools in areas that between them offered more variety to children (is it now 80% of secondary schools that are now academies? With the inflexible dogmatic approach they tend to embrace!).

Parents of SN children have been predicting this for years now. As numbers of SN grow every year. At some point people will surely catch up and realise that schools and their rigid expectations are a main part of the problem, and those of us with children who have struggled with the changes have watched it all happen, and we’re now the ones being blamed.

PDA was recognised way back when, but as a rare presentation. It’s common now because more and more children are struggling with the environment that schools have become.

More children who have never been considered to have any SN are starting to struggle. I don’t think anything will be done until parents stand together for what our children need instead of gleefully pointing fingers and saying stupid things like “discipline” 🙄

You shouldn't have let him stay home last week. That set a precedent and now he knows if he makes a big enough fuss he might get to stay home and have a lovely day at home with mummy!

Instead you need to talk brightly amd breezily about all the lovely things in school that he doesn't want to miss out on like seeing his classmates, learning new things and playing at playtime!! Why would he want a boring day at home when mummy has JOBS to do?!

I hope you made sure last week having kept him at home that it was a really boring day with no telly, no screens, and mummy busy with chores so not much time to sit playing with him. He needs to see that school is the more interesting place to be on a weekday.

He's six. Just pick him up!

You just carefully prise his fingers off the car door side and pull him out! And tell him to stop being so naughty as hes making mummy late for her work!!

DC1 has two friends with siblings who both have ‘ebsa’. Both siblings are now also having the odd midweek single days off regularly. It spreads like wildfire. Once the door has been opened, how do you go back?

Agree. Clearly a social contagion.

I no longer have the video of my child as a 6 year old school refusing, but there was no gentle hand wringing. It was a full on war zone for years (which has left half my family with diagnosed CPTSD - we were not in Gaza, we were in rural England). A dysregulated and out of control melting down 6 year old can have hulk strength. Half the time we couldn’t get near him. If we did manage to get him to school the teachers couldn’t get near him or handle him either - are they weak and ineffective too? This is the experience of many families I know as well.

The privilege to be able to talk that nonsense is mindblowing.

Of course we have. Parents all up and down the country deal regularly with those times their child doesnt want to leave the park, the party, whatever, and lays down on the floor having a tantrum. You pick them up, you carry them off. Job done. They quickly learn they dont get to decide!

They really do get super strength I don’t think people realise. The sheer terror and distress it’s like they are fighting for their lives

Hahaha no they don't. A kid with SEN or any kind of anxiety or school trauma will absolutely not learn, they will continue to refuse to go.

The big difference between taking a tantrumming child home from a playground, and forcing one into school, is that in only one of those scenarios do they get to go home where they feel safe and loved. Forcing a dysregulated child into a place they are struggling with is never going to end well.

That’s a very easy way of avoiding a growing issue that parents have been reporting for years about schools.

I’ve no doubt that screens are an issue, but you can’t ignore an issue because you don’t understand it, and because SN parents are typically ignored. I’ve seen this happening well before screen time was a problem. I’ve seen schools change. I’ve talked to many teachers who don’t like the changes. I know many teachers who left teaching because of these changes, having their teaching skills ignored in favour of a narrower teaching style and more rigid behaviour expectations. I also know a lot of teachers who quit to home educate their own children because they didn’t want them going through the education system.

Of course there are some shot parents, but that doesn’t explain the enormous and growing numbers of children having to be on the SN register.

School is a big part of the problem, but not all of it, but it’s ridiculous the lengths people go to defend the system when it’s blatantly failing so many people within it. It needs a massive overhaul, but nothing will happen if they keep blindly doubling down on policies that suit so few.

You’ve been attacked daily by your child? Punched, bitten, slapped, stabbed, spat at by a child so distressed that they are in a terrifying meltdown for hours a day?
You’ve had to vet every single thing that comes into your house for its potential as a weapon or projectile?
You’ve had a small child so traumatised that they beg you to kill them? That they try to throw themselves out of a moving car? That kitchen knives have to be padlocked away?

Really? Parents up and down the country are dealing with this every day?

What bullshit. Too many are blind to what many children and their families are going through. The government know but don’t care, then run shitawful campaigns telling us “it’s only a sniffle, get to school” or rolling Gemma fucking Collins out to tell us all what a great time she had at school.

Most of you will not understand what so many of us go through, and you don’t have the intellect or empathy to care, and that reflects more on you than those who work hard every day to keep their heads above water, and trying to campaign to the government who also don’t give a shit.

The worst part of having a child with SN is other people’s shitty attitudes. Buck the fuck up.

Not all of this is bollocks - in fact most of this is good, practical advice IMO. What’s your suggestion?

I understand. Others just don’t want to or can’t. Yes there’s a SEN epidemic and rather than accept that and help people want to deny it???!
Can you imagine if for example cancer rates suddenly skyrocketed the same way you wouldn’t have this gaslighting minimising language around it .

It’s very easy to be an expert on something that they have no experience of. If someone said to me for example they had a feral cat and couldn’t get it to the vet I wouldn’t say ‘oh my fluffy little kitten is fine doing it so what are you on about ! You’re the owner ! It’s easy’

“If someone said to me for example they had a feral cat and couldn’t get it to the vet I wouldn’t say ‘oh my fluffy little kitten is fine doing it so what are you on about ! You’re the owner ! It’s easy’”
Yes, this exactly sums it up! Thank you!

God help your future if you cannot parent a 6yr old and get them to school.

We had this post-COVID, and because my son had been off school so long. He was in Year 5 though, so older. I didn't tolerate it, he was told in no uncertain terms that school is non-negotiable and that he had to go, and if I had to drag him into school in front of his friends, then I would. There was absolutely nothing wrong, other than feeling anxious because he'd been off school for so long. Staying home, wasn't going to help, in fact it feeds and gives in to the anxiety. I had meeting with pastoral care at school, who supported me 100%, and once he realised I meant business, he stopped.

It's coming towards the end of term. Often children are spending time with their new teacher that will be teaching them in September. Are the children mixed up again or do they stay with the same children throughout their time at the school? The reality of moving up to the next year can start to play on their mind, they can start to become more emotional. Add in the tiredness of coming towards the end of term, and it can be turbulent!

See if you can have a meeting with your son's teacher and pastoral care. You need a conversation with your son...school isn't something he can negotiate and you need to make that clear to him. If you need the pastoral team to help you get him out the car, then do that. He needs to see that you aren't going to give in to him. Also talk to him about moving up the school, is this causing him some worry?

The thing is all of these things are true and to degrees. Schools more rigid and attendance more prized. SEN needs are increasingly impacting in home and school. School is not right for all children. School is the best place for many children. Children have parents who are too inflexible. Children who have parents who can’t say no and never follow through. The absolute positions are useless when kids so variable.

That said of course you can restrain your child. One of mine could have maimed or killed us if we hadn’t. I have been injured and he once had an fracture after his violence meant we went down together and I landed on him. We had many a referral made but non for my behaviour all for his running away or self harming or other issues. But now if I say I carried him to school, relentlessly harried him in even when he went late some will say no wonder he self harmed and ran away but actually they were behaviours that came from other issues and the more I got him into school the better he did. He came out from under CAHMs and did better and better. He has GCSEs and stayed and did A levels voluntarily. He thinks him doing well now is all down to the mix of love, understanding but tough boundaries he got. He recognises that he was profoundly manipulative and also at risk the more alone time he had. There are children I wouldn’t have made attend but it’s a judgement and I certainly wouldn’t have been caving the first time my six year old tried it on. A couisn has three and the eldest stopped going to school and the other two, who had thrived, slowly started dropping days and are now all out of education. It’s not a pretty sight and I can’t see that it needed to happen. Mum is a kind person but she can’t say no and the kids are horrors who treat her like shit. They have no qualifications or social skills and right now not much to look forward to.

You certainly don’t let him play at home!!!

I think people are too quick to say he’s autistic or got adhd…. Sounds like he’s chancing his luck with a weak parent.