Happy people- what did your parents do right?

[Ayla1991]

Ok this may be a little deep but I’m really interested to know

I don’t consider myself to be a very emotionally resilient person and I’m never truly “happy” or content even though I’m very grateful for my beautiful life. I know happiness is partly a state of mind and some people are happy no matter what (within reason) but I am always feeling that something is missing, I should be doing more, achieving more, etc. I also don’t think I’m resilient enough for how difficult life can be.

So my question is, to people who are generally content and well adjusted, what do you think your parents did while raising you that contributed to that? More specifically, what can I do to ensure my 2 DD don’t inherit my outlook and are instead happy, content people who are at peace with life?

what do you think your parents did while raising you that contributed to that?
Nothing intentionally. I wouldn’t wish my childhood on anyone, but for very different reasons, they made me appreciate that things could always be worse and although I’d quite like to not be poor, I wouldn’t change my life. I’m so lucky and I’m happy.

Teach them resilience, to have a zero tolerance policy for anyone’s nonsense, to value kindness and loyalty above all else in the people they choose to have around them, and in their dealings with others. Make sure they look for the small pleasures in life; the free stuff that money can’t buy, like puddle jumping with you on a rainy afternoon or water fights in the summer. For every sad or bad thing that happens, tell them to tell you two positive things, even if it’s that a bird didn’t poo on them or they didn’t get caught in the rain. Help them find their passions and install a work ethic in them so they understand that not everything comes easy and they don’t give up at the first hurdle. Put firm boundaries in place and stick to them. As they grow, give them the skills they need to find their own way in the world. Teach them how budgets work and the value of a pound. Laugh with them, and teach them to laugh with, not at, others.

Realistically, you could do all of that and they could still be miserable little sods, but if you can install anything in them I think these should be the things.

For me, it wasn't so much about what my parents did right, but what they did wrong.

My Dad was never happy with what he had, he always neglected what he had for what he could potentially get. The moment he got a promotion he'd be eyeing up the next one, the moment he got a new surfboard or guitar or car or hobby, it'd lose it's fascination and he'd be lusting after the next thing. He admits he was happily married, but that didn't stop him cheating on my Mum at every opportunity. He neglected his friends because he wanted to be liked by the person he'd just met. He envied other fathers relationships with their kids, while not bothering to cultivate his relationship with his own.

My Mum on the other hand, was a naturally happy person, except she kept letting other people stomp on that happiness, and she'd keep those people around long after she should have gotten rid of them. Largely my Dad, but also her sister and certain "friends".

So I learnt to be happy by learning what not to do. I'm mildly ambitious, but not to the extent that it ruins my enjoyment of what I have. I find joy in the little things I do every day. And I don't keep people around who aren't interested in sharing that joy.

My parents were both flawed humans, as we all are, but they gave DSis and me an incredible sense of stability and unconditional love, which we’ve both striven to recreate for our own kids.

The secret sauce was partly their love for each other. Our house was very calm and tension free, by and large. Few arguments, a lot of ‘team’ feeling - they always had each other’s backs, and by extension we understood they’d have ours, without question.

We laughed a lot, and though they were both a product of their own upbringings and stuck in their ways to a certain extent, they weren’t completely rigid; they were both willing to adapt and change and accommodate new, younger ways of thinking and relating to the world, so we never felt we were dealing with distant, ‘different generation’ people. There were definitely rules, but you could challenge them and know it wouldn’t fall on stony ground ‘just because I say so’; you could argue your corner and sometimes (not very often, but sometimes!) you’d get a result.

All of these things created room for richer relationships as we all grew and changed. We didn’t get stuck in a parent/child dynamic. They were always our parents, but they also became friends and people we actively wanted to spend time with. Honestly, they did a fucking stellar job, especially given the backgrounds they’d both come from as working class war babies with Edwardian era parents.

Unconditional love, logical and kind discipline, generosity of spirit, and not believing you know all of the answers all of the time, go a very long way towards raising happy, resilient kids.

My mum was a SAHM apart from teaching one evening class for the first ~10 years. She was always there for us, and always available to give cuddles and reassurance. She struggled with low energy and overwhelm so she didn't really manage to play with us, but she was always around. My dad used to tell us all the time how glad he was that they'd had us. (This was his second, late marriage and his first had broken up because he wanted children but she didn't).

We had lots of holidays - not anything very exciting, but we had a caravan and stayed on cheapo farmers' fields for 6 weeks a year most years. That meant qe all spent a lot of time together. My mum used to read aloud to us in the evenings on holiday, which we loved, and she kept it up right until we left home.

They weren’t materialistic whatsoever. They didn’t try and push me in any particular direction, just told me to pursue whatever makes me happy. Encouraged me in my passions and interests and told me to put myself first.

Benign neglect. It was more about what our parents didn't do.

As children of the 60s & 70s we were fed, watered and tucked in at night but pretty much left to our own devices the rest of the time. Walked to and from school without parents, played out til teatime, weren't nagged about SATs or homework or mocks. Weren't helicopter parented or driven to endless activities. Parents weren't involved in school life.

It taught us independence, resilience, confidence in our ability to deal with stuff.

And there was only one winner at pass the parcel. None of this prize every time guff. Taught us that life isn't fair!

My parents had their flaws, we all do. However they were both resilient people themselves and just got on with things, whatever life threw at them, so I guess I picked up that from them. They were also content with what they had, rather than wanting the moon, which is something else I try to emulate. I also agree with the pp who said we weren't helicopter parented (and I was an only child) but left to get on with things rather than being micro managed.

I agree with that a lack of micromanaging helps kids to be happy.
I think these days parents worry so much about what "might happen" and keep such close tabs on their children that those fears spill over into the children themselves.

But, bizarrely, a lot of parents then give the same over-protected children free reign to romp around the wild west of the internet with no real restrictions which is also not great.

I think encouraging resilience is key really & helping children to understand that feelings of fear, anxiety and sadness are normal and we all experience them at times but they shouldn't stop us from doing things.

And taking great care around their exposure to social media and the internet in general.

I’m happy and content, and I was deeply abused as a child. I won’t go into detail it was not sexual, but physical and mental,

unlike my younger brother, who has sadly struggled thorough out life due to it. I always felt they were the issue not me. I was able to intellectualise it. From a young age, it didn’t start till I was about 6. So likely the fact i had a happy loved child hood till that point helped.

then divorce and living with my father and his deeply abusive new wife and my world changed,

for me, my view is I’m an adult and I’m responsible for me, and they were the issue, not me, the shame is theirs, and I developed a lot of resilience due to it, as I endured so so much.

when I grew up I told everyone what fhey did. I felt strongly the shame was theirs, not mine. I also confronted them on it and went no contact. And I have healthy boundaries where I don’t accept poor treatment, I had to as a child I don’t as an adult.

so for me, it was the opposite, I developed resilience due to it, and I was able to see they were the issue.

Alongside some of the things listed, such as instilling resilience, not mollycoddling and micromanaging, teaching us how to deal with normal human emotions, one thing they did which I think was very good was that on every birthday and Christmas, everyone got the birthday person (including parents, not just the children) a gift and everyone got everyone else a gift at Christmas. There was absolutely none of this nonsense of giving everyone else a gift on each child’s birthday so nobody feels left out, instead we all learned that when it’s someone’s birthday or it’s Christmas, you go out of your way to do something nice for them and make them feel special. When we were very young kids, we were given money to do that and brought shopping, involved in choosing something etc. It wasn’t necessarily something big or costly- I have a lovely memory of getting 2 Mars bars for my much older brother one year, when I was about 5, as they were his favourite, and being so excited to wrap them, and I can still remember his reaction when he opened the present. It’s one of my favourite memories of him, he’s now dead but I often think of that Christmas.

What it taught us was thinking about other people, doing nice things for them to show love and care, that doing so took time, effort and money but was nonetheless worth it, and that the world didn’t revolve around us and our wants.

DM was/ is v unhappy with life, despite having a lovely life. She was always complaining and nothing we did was ever good enough, constant walking on eggshells around her, definite emotional abuse. DF was lovely but we didn’t see very much of him as he worked so hard. I didn’t want to be like DM and hope I’ve done a better job at being a calmer/ more positive parent. DM was very pushy in terms of education, and I’m now in a job I enjoy because of that. Have lots of friends and generally am a ‘cup half full’ kind of person. I think inate personality has a great deal to do with it, but I have also needed a lot of counselling and time to get where I am.
I’d say - Calm environment growing up, (showing a healthy way of managing conflict as that also needs to be learnt), encouragement without micromanaging, plenty of socialising, and being there/ being present for them so they always feel they can talk to you for the little and big things going on in their life.

My parents were both addicts and I’m one of the happiest people I know. Nothing will ever be as bad as my childhood!

Some people I have met often blame what’s happening in their life on their childhood, which absolves them from any responsibility for it…. Moving away from a victim mindset is totally necessary for a happy or content life.

Nothing, mine were controlling acoholics who me & my sibling had to look after when they had to much to drink or blazing rows.
I got happier when I moved away from them.

Absolutely nothing. Dad was an absent alcoholic. Mother was an abusive narcissist.

I have had a lot of counselling. Have great friends and have basically done the work myself to get to the point where I am genuinely happy most of the time.

Edited to say I am NC, which is definitely contributing massively to my happiness.

I had a shit upbringing with a classic narcissistic Cinderella type stepmother.

My secret to my own happiness is Fuck You, you didn't win. Needless to say, I am NC with a large part of my family.

Honestly I think happiness is something that is within you. How you view the world , process big knocks and your acceptance of yourself. In other words is your glass half full or half empty?

Mine were quite stoic/ no nonsense but very consistent and supportive. Very little drama or navel gazing, but lots of hard work and helping others.

i know lots of people will disagree, but the thing that has made the biggest difference in my life is having faith (in Jesus) which completely shifts the focus on what is important.

I’m happy, I’m not sure my sibling is.

Happiness doesnt just depend on on upbringing, life choices, basic personality and even luck figure into the equation

My parents were terrible, so I could tell you more about what not to do. Certainly don’t make your problems their problems. I was always aware of their stress, money worries and unhappiness and I could never feel relaxed at home. Being in a warm, loving, engaged family setting is important. Would have been nice to feel my parents loved each other rather than loathed each other.

Consistency is a big one. My mother expected us to do well but then was jealous of it so didn’t support us either. It’s very confusing.

With my kids I encouraged them to do things themselves from an early (but age appropriate) age, like speak to adults, pay in shops, go on the bus, learn to cook, and generally look after yourself. I think being able to manage things and be competent at stuff while being supported and given advice is really important to build resilience. This doesn’t mean being abandoned and left to get on with it though.

I took them to classes to learn to swim, play tennis, football, karate etc. It meant they could always give someone a game or join in or having something in common with people so that was worth the investment.

I taught them to be kind but not always put others first. My parents were so big on not being selfish and centring other people that I used to get walked all over in friendships and relationships snd have required a lot of therapy to correct this.

Give them choices within reason. So they get to decide sometimes what they want to do and sometimes not. It teaches them to be able to get their needs and wants met without being self absorbed.

Praise them for what they have done well and especially where they have put the effort in but don’t praise them indiscriminately. Those who’ve never been given constructive criticism or had boundaries set often become the nightmare neighbours or the selfish oafs who annoy everyone.

As for you, have you ever done any volunteering or mentoring? Sometimes having purpose and meaning can help to address that sense of mild dissatisfaction.

My parents would have done anything for me. I don't mean buy me stuff, I wasn't spoilt in a material sense (although they have helped me financially as an adult), I mean in terms of supporting me. In fact they still would- I'm in my 50s and they're in their 80s, but if I phoned them right now and I was upset about something they would immediately drop everything and try to help if they could.

It's hard to put into words how amazing it is to know that there is someone who always has your back and loves you unconditionally.

My mum was an incredibly positive and optimistic woman … always glass half full, even when life was a bit shit for her. She’d still manage to see a silver lining.

Her motto when I was growing up was “if you can swing your legs out of bed and get up, it’s going to be a great day as lots of people can’t do that”.

DH had parents who were the opposite “just my luck”, glass half empty.

The difference in our upbringings is very apparent in our attitudes to life now.

Incredibly grateful for my fab mum .. who would have been 100 next year had she still been alive.

She always said the best thing that ever happened to her was adopting me … I lucked out that day.

Like some others, I think my upbringing taught me what not to do in some respects.

My mum is a very negative and anxious person, she always has been. That anxiety spilled over to us when we were children and I still see how unhappy she is a lot of the time, she struggles to sleep as she's always worrying about something or nothing and I didn't want that for myself.

Dad had a very short fuse and although he was fun a lot of the time, I also remember a lot of shouting and being smacked.

I have always tended towards the negative and being a bit of a moaner. But I strongly believe that a lof of happiness is a choice. We can't control what happens to us in life but we can control how we respond to it. I try really hard to find the joy in little things every day and teach that to DDs. Even if that's just having a bubble bath or having a biscuit with a cup of tea in the afternoons. I'm quite intentional about it and will point out the little wins to them a lot.

We have also tried to foster a real feeling of our family being a team and having fun. They see DH and I laughing together or cuddling up on the sofa, we tell them we love them and are on their side, we think nothing of having an impromptu kitchen disco and dancing around like idiots.

That teamwork also extends to giving DDs some responsibility. Even just keeping their bedrooms tidy, putting away their own washing etc. They're learning that we all work together to help out the family. They also get choices (within reason) but quite often we'll say "what do you want for dinner, you choose" and "what film should we watch, you choose" etc so if that means we eat chicken nuggets AND hot dogs whilst watching Bambi for the millionth time then that's their choice and we laugh about it.

Like a PP, I will always try to counter a negative thought with a positive one. It's not about ignoring negative feelings but I don't need to dwell in unhappiness. I think we can train our brains on what they give attention to and I don't want to tell myself that negativity is important. It takes a bit of conscious effort sometimes but it has become easier as time has gone on.

I was born to a single mum, 25, who’d recently graduated. She was a great mum and my childhood was like the end scene of Matilda where she is adopted by Miss Honey and they just have fun together every day.
Money was tight but she was phenomenally selfless and saved all the child benefit for my university education. She also treated me when she could, Christmas was always magical.
Most of all, she was consistent, there were no men in the picture and she was my cheerleader.

I’m going to be really honest - absolutely fuck all. My parents both really let me down over the years in various ways and when discussing it with a friend recently she described it as “being dragged up”. They can both be selfish, absorbed in their own lives and unkind. I was mentally abused by both of their partners (they are both divorced) throughout my teenage years.

All of this to say, whilst it wasn’t plain sailing and there were a few years when I struggled, I am now a perfectly happy person. I am happily married, with two wonderful children. Whilst I am determined to never be my parents and to not make their mistakes, I know that in order to do that I simply need to fulfil my duty as a parent.

What I am trying to say here is that the fact you’re even asking tells me that all you need to do is your best!

I would say - fun drama and dance classes. Loads of outdoor time - I remember picnics.
spending time with lovely grandparents who really liked children.
homemade small birthday parties.
lots of books and trips to the library.
pets.
a small sweet primary school.

these are what I remember made me happy as a kid

Treating other people well, I think, and standards of manners and behaviour. My parents would no more have read someone else’s letter (or my diary) than jump off a roof. They would never, ever have taken something that didn’t belong to them. They would give up things and space to other people without question. Of course that was based on the assumption that other people wouldn’t ask for anything, you gave because you could see it was needed.

My mum so adored babies and small children that I certainly went through my early development in a golden bubble of love. Nothing else is really needed, is it?