Happy people- what did your parents do right?

[Ayla1991]

Ok this may be a little deep but I’m really interested to know

I don’t consider myself to be a very emotionally resilient person and I’m never truly “happy” or content even though I’m very grateful for my beautiful life. I know happiness is partly a state of mind and some people are happy no matter what (within reason) but I am always feeling that something is missing, I should be doing more, achieving more, etc. I also don’t think I’m resilient enough for how difficult life can be.

So my question is, to people who are generally content and well adjusted, what do you think your parents did while raising you that contributed to that? More specifically, what can I do to ensure my 2 DD don’t inherit my outlook and are instead happy, content people who are at peace with life?

Also, I was very glad to leave home at 18, and I'm still glad 40+ years later. We need to get on with our adult lives ASAP, and not expect our parents to run around after us. Which means that even a less than satisfactory childhood can be quickly put behind us.

I made an active choice in my mid-20s to be nothing like my parents and not to make the same mistakes they did. My dad is a toxic, emotionally unavailable workaholic and my mum is a pessimistic narcissist who prioritises men’s happiness over her own.

15 years on and I have a lovely life, husband and little boy, so I think it was the right choice.

The only people I know who seem to be exceptionally happy either have intellectual disabilities or are deeply religious. Or both. Thinking deeply and not having answers to the questions you come up with does not seem conducive to happiness.

I wouldn't say I'm miserable but staying happy requires constant upkeep for me.

I think I agree with this, they were just normal parents for the time they lived in

I parent my children in the same way that I was and I do see a difference between them and their friends in independence and resilience

It could be coincidence I or it could be being brought up in the ways of the 1970s in the 2000s 😁

I know they notice the difference as it often comes up in conversation

How do you think that's happened?

i’m happy mostly. No one is happy all the time, My parents went through a nasty divorce which we all very much felt and then got on with their own lives leaving us to be pretty independent. They loved us and we knew that but they were not that involved in much. What that did mean is that both my sister and I are fiercely independent, have stood on our own two feet since we left uni (and even at uni we wouldn’t see parents from one term to the next, paid our own way etc), built our own lives and have an ability to roll with the punches and move on. So they did give us the gift of resilience and that no one is responsible for our own happiness but ourselves which I think is a major factor of happiness. You’ve only got to look at the millions of threads on here to see parents stepping in left right and centre, catching a child before they fail, not making them do something difficult, storming into the school every 5 mins, being friend rather than parent. That’s what I think one of the major problems is. That and the grim world of social media where kids are just wasting years of precious life looking at crap,

Not to cast aspersions on PP's experience but my Mum says this. She had a miserable childhood but constantly insists her life is perfect and she is full of joy at every waking minute. If anyone ever says or does something which could even indirectly suggest a criticism of her or her perfect life, or if we (as children) did anything to shatter the outside illusion of perfection, all that sunshine would start to look a lot like a thunderstorm.

I think I’m resilient and resourceful generally because I learned to rely on myself very early on. However I think the lack of unconditional love and support or actually having a home to come back to has had a big effect on my mental health: I don’t think happiness is my default position.
My mother is relentlessly happy because she lives in a fantasy world and is fanatically religious. She also isn’t a deep thinker at all. I agree with the poster above who mentioned that the only people who seem genuinely happy are those who have a strong religious faith or just aren’t too bright. Many people are very limited in their thinking and understanding which probably leads to more acceptance and less rumination:

I would consider myself to be a pretty happy and optimistic person in general. If I think about my parents, they got a lot of stuff right and some stuff wrong (they were pretty young parents and that was part of it) but I think in general too much emphasis is put on the need for perfect parenting and it's like if you don't transform yourself instantly into a robot that executes the parenting book perfectly, your kids are going to end up sad. People have all sorts of personalities and that will impact how they parent, plus parents are human and humans get things wrong. The path to happiness is accepting imperfection in yourself and others, and realising that the way people behave is mostly about them and how they are and not about you and how you are.

Caveat: obviously I'm not talking about abuse and neglect here but there is going to be some limits to how an individual can parent and sometimes the parent that a child ideally needs based on their personality isn't the parent they get, and that's just life.

I consider myself to be happy and I'm really content with my life. My parents were a mixed bag in terms of outlook but they weren't over involved in my life as a teenager. They were always proud of anything I achieved but weren't focused on exam results so I did all of that for my own satisfaction. I never felt the pressure not to let anyone down and they would have and did help me, but I was quite motivated not to need their help if possible.

However, they have a much narrower window of enjoyment than me. Everything has to be just right. I don't. If the hotel has a room for us, I'm pretty happy with it and I very rarely have a meal I don't love. Material possessions aren't as important to me as to them. I have quite low standards for lots of things so I am generally happy enough.

One aspect I have inherited, sadly, is needing to be on time. I am trying to loosen my grip on this. I don't mind the lateness of others at all but can get a bit stressed around the thought of being late and can temporarily forget how much I love my family when lateness is looming. My parents are always a minimum of ten minutes early for everything. So I still have a way to go. 😂

I loved reading this … what a beautiful bunch of
memories.
my parents genuinely put us first every time and never ever in all my years on this planet (even as a 46 year old adult ) have I not felt 100% loved & supported by them . Feel very lucky 🍀

Unconditional love, security, no judgements, let me be without asking questions. I wish everyone had such good parents, the world would be a happier place.

I completely agree with this. There was no social media when I grew up as I am too old but instead I wasted hours and hours of time on TV. I did perfectly well in school and life but I did watch Neighbours, sometimes twice daily, and all sorts of other stuff. I don't at all now. I remember us missing PE lessons at sixth form because Neighbours hadn't finished before we had to leave my house to get there. Now I spend a significant proportion of my income on fitness stuff.

My Dd14 has access to social media but watches very little TV and definitely spends less time looking at screens than I did. I had a TV in my room. I wouldn't dream of letting her do that. She's really busy with lots of hobbies but mine were literally just reading and watching TV before I added in attendance at pubs and gigs. On paper my life shouldn't have worked out very well at all!😂😂😂

Had a fulfilled childhood. Wanted for nothing. Stable employed parents. Music lessons. Tennis lessons. Anything we wanted to do we could do. Parents were lovely people who each came from lovely parents. I have a lovely life but I always feel a sense of discontent and restlessness. I overthink and worry. I catastrophise. I always feel like I’m waiting for something. Not sure what all that says about me. Just my character I suppose x

I’m sure it’s nature and not nurture.

I am the happiest person you could ever meet. I genuinely take pleasure in being in outside or the rain, a butterfly etc. Nothing fazes me.

I had an alcoholic mum, my parents split in primary, both parents died in my teens, my first long term partner developed schizophrenia and I was his primary carer between ages 20-25. The latter is the only time I felt prolonged misery (although could still take pleasure from other things in my life).

As somebody else said, i intellectualised happiness, after this event. I could mope and wallow or I could embrace my life and all of the things I wanted to do.

Since then, I work hard to maintain my happiness by living a life I love and prioritising the people I love. I deliberately chose to change careers and work in a low pressure job that I find fulfilling.

I’ve always had a sunny nature, but do think I’ve also nurtured myself in a way.. and i definitely don’t sweat the small stuff - but you don’t when you’ve lived the big stuff.

Resiliency, children being the priority not other men, morals and values , kindness, self worth and confidence, not being materialistic, taking an interest in nature and the joy in small things. Teach how to entertain yourself and not relying in finding joy in others.

Avoiding social media and comparing to others.

100 per cent. My parents felt like that about me as do I about my own sons. No hesitation x

Agree 100%

I’m happy now (mid 40s) because I was lucky enough to be helped to see that I was a major people pleaser in my 20s. It took me several years to unpick this and develop boundaries.

This meant having difficult conversations, saying no, and putting me & my kids first. It wasn’t easy (at first) but wow! I’ve developed a real sense of calm from it. I would definitely say I’m content now when I was an anxious ball of confusion in my younger years.

As a parent, I am curious; I try to help my kids install boundaries in their lives; I try hard to avoid shaming my kids if they make mistakes. I think - I hope - others see me as thoughtful and caring. I’m present for my kids but I don’t micromanage. I was learning all of this about myself alongside raising my kids in their younger years. Now they’re older, I’ve focussed on my own needs/career etc. If I have problems in my relationships I don’t let things fester.

I don't think it's anything my parents did to be honest ( and I don't mean that harshly ) - i was kicked out on and off from 14 to 18 and then LC to NC as I was an adult. Both were money grabbers as such, always jealous of other people and not grateful for they had

My positive mindset and outlook come from me being at rock bottom so many times, life can only get better 😅

18 - I was stabbed in a random knife attack
18 - 25 DV relationship
21 - my first baby died 2 hours after he was born
25 - trauma of having to o court / move area's, live in hostels, temporary housing with 2 babies under 2
29 - attacked / harassed for 18 months by two school mums,
32 - diagnosed with COPD
33 - both my children being diagnosed with disabilities/ one physical one adhd/autism

And I'm 34 now 😅

I had CBT a few years ago as I was anorexic ( I'm not now ) and that really helped change the way I think, learning I didn't have to believe everything my brain told me really really helped

I'm a positive positive person, i don't live in the past and I'm always looking forward. Every single day I'm grateful that I'm raising my children in a safe loving home, I would say I'm resilient. I do occasionally get upset about the past but I don't live there. I have a little cry and I get up and move on with my day, I'm grateful for the life I have now and the friends I have how happy my children are, I have a nice dog too 😅..... I'm also a big believer of everything happens for a reason

You really sound like an amazing person. Well done you.

My parents were quite hands off as they were busy working, socialising, sorting the house out and dealing with my siblings.

There was no pressure to succeed, not a huge amount of extra curricular activities but they were always supportive when I did well.

This contrasts with DH who had a lot of pressure from day one, was educated privately and was forced to go to music, dance, acting and sports class he disliked.

He still struggles with feelings of inadequacy and worries he hasn't achieved enough (when he is objectively doing very well).

I think we're aiming for a balance of the above with our children

I love the reality hit of this thread.
That some people had by any measure, a terrible childhood, yet are instrinctly happy. And others with very typically 'happy' childhoods suffer with anxiety or other issues. What complex things we humans are. That said, the things my parents did that have most helped me as an adult are:
Treat me with respect and with deep interest in who I was and my ideas.
Valued creativity and conversations.
Didn't fuss over us.
Understanding of what nice home made food is, and no shaming around treat foods.
No favouritism amongst siblings.
Made it very clear we were very loved and valued.
Non judgemental and open minded.
No strict rules.

Pretty much the same. I grew up in this bubble of support and unconditional love.

But then my father had a hard, loveless childhood and yet became a positive, resilient person and a great father and husband to my mother.

And in my own 2 teenage children I can see that while they are both loved and supported one has this incredible confidence and positivity and the other doesn't (not unhappy - just has more doubts and needs more support to face the exact same challenges as their sibling). The confident child also has incredible social skills and people - peers and adults- just respond to them really well. The less confident child is objectively more physically attractive and just as intelligent.

Which makes me think there is something beyond parenting and family environment, some kind of individual makeup that is a combination of inner confidence and resilience and emotional and social intelligence.

Exactly this! I’ve loved reading these replies and it’s not what I expected at all. It’s really reminded me that a lot of my DDs attitudes to life is out of my control. But I’ve learnt so much