Happy people- what did your parents do right?

[Ayla1991]

Ok this may be a little deep but I’m really interested to know

I don’t consider myself to be a very emotionally resilient person and I’m never truly “happy” or content even though I’m very grateful for my beautiful life. I know happiness is partly a state of mind and some people are happy no matter what (within reason) but I am always feeling that something is missing, I should be doing more, achieving more, etc. I also don’t think I’m resilient enough for how difficult life can be.

So my question is, to people who are generally content and well adjusted, what do you think your parents did while raising you that contributed to that? More specifically, what can I do to ensure my 2 DD don’t inherit my outlook and are instead happy, content people who are at peace with life?

No hang-ups about looks! So I don't mean being positive and gushing or affirming, which is still a version of worrying about it. It just never seemed to occur to my mum as a topic worth thinking about, and all of us are the same. Weight gain and loss are all pretty neutral and we don't feel a particular way about it. Same with make-up, clothes, you name it. Only when I met other women in private contexts did it really hit me how much time and anxiety is spent on this.

I think it's more nature than nurture in my case.

I'm happy, confident, bubbly - I love life!

I’ve been looking for this … my dad isn’t a very lovey dovey or even particularly affectionate man , but this … this sums him up . Never has he let me down , he doesn’t need to TELL me he loves me , because hes shown me every day since I can remember.

So beautifully written 👏🏻

Professionally, I have interviewed hundreds, if not thousands, of people over the years. The happiest most well adjusted ones always seem to have the following in their background:

• A loving parent or parents who pushed a real ‘little engine that could’ narrative. Parents that are steady and predictable, not volatile or punitive.
• They were encouraged to strive and be their best, but given the freedom to make choices
• They were not criticised for absolute grade levels (ie not getting an A) but instead would be praised for the effort they did actually make
• They describe honest conversation and debate at home, but not either lots of arguments or the opposite, conflict aversion

what they don’t necessarily describe is poverty. So plenty have been from a privileged background but ultimately low self-esteem and unhappy because of very critical or nasty parents.

Im pretty happy. I would say a few things helped. I know I’m am unconditionally loved by my parents (they’re not overly emotional/ fuzzy, but I just know it’s true). I was never criticised and my
parents were pretty open minded. I care about my weight / appearance less than other people I think just because this isn’t something my family ever cared about. I saw my mum in particular be very community focused and I think this has helped me build bonds as an adult and understand relationships are not transactional, sometimes you give more than you get and that’s okay because you’re building your own village. We did a lot of reading together and I still love reading and find it a wonderful escape from life when I’m stressed. I was taught the value of money and was helped to budget during university and that has followed through in my life and I don’t live above my means or get into debt etc, which I think reduces stress.

Both of my parents loved me. I think that has been the greatest gift.

Threw some genes into the roiling cauldron of my DNA which gave me raging ADHD. 🤣

According to an article I read: “Many people with ADHD do not experience the "present" the way neurotypical people do. Their brains struggle to process the linear flow of time. Instead of calm, mindful immersion, they often live in an "everything is now" state. This mixes past, present, and future into a continuous, often overwhelming stream of thoughts.”

That’s how I am, except for me it is fairly calm. Everything is just now. It’s left me almost neurologically capable of feeling anxiety about something that isn’t actually happening right in the moment, and I don’t really hold onto the past much. It’s made life very hard in some ways (it’s hard for me to plan for the future at all because it doesn’t really “exist” in my brain, although of course intellectually I know it does) but much of the time it’s been a gift.

They also raised me in a place where many people (including my father’s side of the family) were descended from Finnish immigrants. “Sisu” was a concept we learned early. (If you don’t know, there’s not a direct English translation but it’s basically like guts. Fortitude. Knowing that you’ll win despite the odds. Walk until you can’t and then you crawl, etc etc) I didn’t think about it much as a kid, it just was, but over the years I’ve come to realize what an integral part of my personality it is, and I’m grateful for it.

Also, I’m very stubborn. I WILL be happy because there are people who love it when others are miserable, and I won’t give them the satisfaction.

Oh, and they read to us a lot and even though we were quite often fairly poor, bought me books all the time. I think it awakened a strong curiosity and interest in other people and the world, so I don’t get bored too often.

They showed me exactly the kind of people I didn't want to become, the kind of man I would never ever want to date and the kind of life I would strive never to have.

This is exactly how I feel. I learned what not to do, was what they did. What to do was the opposite of what they did.

as said up thread, I was able to intellectualise it. I never ever thought growing up it was me. I always knew it was them, it wasn’t I was bad, and got punished, I just got abused, brutally, for no reason. Verbally and physically. My behaviour didn’t matter, so I always knew it was about them, not me. I also knew other parents didn’t do it.

child line was created as I was edging towards mid teens, far too late for Me, there was no help for children before this. No one to tell. The abuse stopped at 15 when I hit back, as that’s the thing with child abuse. They ain’t looking to get in a fist fight with you. When that possiblity raises its head they back right off. It’s one thing to beat you. It’s a whole other thing to fight you.

and that made me disdain them more. Because it meant they were also cowards.

so getting away from it, living my own life, with my own family, where there is no abuse, only love. Is always going to be a happy thing. Living life on your terms, not your abusers, where you’re impotent, powerless. Having control, is always going to be a much happier place.

My parents were always very negative and unhappy. They didn’t really have any friends as my mum would pick holes in them. My mum had a type of OCD which meant she would spend a lot of the time cleaning and if she didn’t get it done in a certain way she’d become very upset and angry about it. I now see she had poor mental health.

Dad just went out all the time, I don’t think I had a conversation with him properly until my 30’s ! It’s was a very odd set up. We had shelter and we had warm food. Although we were very hard up. We didn’t have any treats or nice food/ snacks to eat.

My mum let us know she didn’t want us. She told me I should have been aborted as I wasn’t planned. She put us off motherhood, but I’m glad to say I have two beautiful children.

I’m not a perfect parent, who is. But I ensure my kids have a lot of fun, lots of support and there’s lots of communication between us all. I’ve always gone out of my way to make friends as friends weren’t encouraged. I encourage my children to have lots of friends in their lives.

I had only a few sets of second hand clothing that belonged to me so my son and daughter’s wardrobe is abundant with clothes.

My father committed suicide in our family home when I was 4.

my mum taught me that she was a brave, independent and hardworking and encouraged me to be the same. . She worked hard at 3 jobs at some times to be able to have enough money to keep a roof over our heads and to treat my sibling and I at birthdays and Christmas, we didn’t go without but my mum did. She sometimes had toast and soup for dinner or scrambled eggs for dinner but my brother and I always had meat and veg . She also taught me to always save for items rather than buy on credit and also to dream big and achieve our goals.

There are such beautiful stories of resilience and grit here 💐

OP what have you taken most from this thread that you might want to bring into your own life (as opposed to your children’s lives)?

it has definitely given me a good perspective on my own life which I didn’t expect! I always knew happiness was something a lot of people work hard on and choose to feel but I really didn’t realise how hard some people have to work and what some people go through but still feel happy. It’s made me realise I need to be more resilient and accept life’s challenges more. For example, yesterday I was really stressed running late for a job interview and usually it would put me in an awful mood but I actually have been telling myself to o just get on with it and be grateful and surprisingly it has worked 😂

as soon as I’ve realised I can choose my reaction to a situation I think it has helped massively. My default was always feeling defeated before.

also based on the replies I’ve been trying to just have a bit more fun around my DDs and not take things more seriously

Yes you chose. You can wallow in it. Blame your parents, always want more. but the reality is you only get one life and you can waste it being miserable, or you can understand that how you behave and react is your responsibility .Only you are responsible for your life. Your happiness and as an adult. We need to take personal responsibility for that.

i see a lot of bitterness and resentment, on this forum. Envy, about other peoples money, relationships or weight. I struggle with how people can be so envious they are envious just reading of a stranger with money or who fits in a size ten or has a happy relationship and wants to attack, rip down. Ruin it for them, shoot a barb and cause some pain.

if you think about it, how sad is that.

Told us they were proud of us. We never doubted we were loved.

My parents made sure we (my sisters and I) knew we were very loved.
My father wasn't really around, not the best dad at all, but he had a sparkle in his eyes each time he saw us. My mum never ended a day without saying how much she loved us.
She always supported us, always said "you can be whatever you want in life, straight, gay, a nun, a banker, a plumber...as long as it makes you happy"
I think having that emotional safety net is what allowed me to be resilient.

My mum is also incredibely kind and was never distrustful of people.
We've all learned that from her, and it might sound extremely corny, but boy does it make life easier to navigate life without thinking that people are out there to get you.

We were also exposed to art, literature and culture a lot. I think it helped in going through life without too much money, appreciation of beauty is what makes me happy and its free.

Made us feel that we were their priority. They weren't perfect by any means but they were genuinely good people. That goes a very long way.

Some great advise here. I would add…

1. Teach your kid confidence by asking them to order for themselves in a restaurant.
2. Give them independence - let them go bike riding without you etc.
3. Don’t hover or helicopter parent - kids need to learn for themselves without being saved all the time - they will struggle with the real world otherwise.
4. Don’t overdo the comfort during a minor scrape or fall. They need to learn to get back up again.
5. Ask them everyday what they are grateful for.
6. Positively reinforce great choices and behaviour. Reward effort, determination and putting their kind to something.
7. If they focus too much on negative ask them to point out one positive thing too.
8. Dont rush in - dont call the school, don’t get involved with their friendships, don’t clean their room for them. Let them find themselves.

I would say encouraged us to do well at school and do homework etc. took a real interest in helping us learn. encouraged us to have lots of hobbies so we did many evenings out at swimming, dance etc.
Had boundaries and were strict about behaviour and had a lot of respect for education and our teachers.
They were happy to facilitate our social lives, having friends over and dropping us to places to see our friends. We definitely weren't spoiled and had to work hard / earn money etc. Overall my parents were a team and are still together and it was a happy, drama free childhood

Dont put too much pressure on yourself to make them happy, you can only do what you can. My parents never put any pressure on success in school or other activities; just to do your best and do what you enjoy; and they celebrated that. Im grateful for that and will do the same for my DD. I want my DD to know she can tell me anything and I won’t be angry. I might not like it but I can tell her that. I would rather her be safe than hide something; for example if she got into a dodgy situation or was too drunk; she can always call/

I love this. This really spoke to me as my mum is always incredibly distrustful of absolutely everyone. Mostly because of her own experiences but I think that’s had an impact on me and especially how I view friendships

They did everything wrong and I vowed to not repeat their mistakes.

This is great, thanks