Happy people- what did your parents do right?

[Ayla1991]

Ok this may be a little deep but I’m really interested to know

I don’t consider myself to be a very emotionally resilient person and I’m never truly “happy” or content even though I’m very grateful for my beautiful life. I know happiness is partly a state of mind and some people are happy no matter what (within reason) but I am always feeling that something is missing, I should be doing more, achieving more, etc. I also don’t think I’m resilient enough for how difficult life can be.

So my question is, to people who are generally content and well adjusted, what do you think your parents did while raising you that contributed to that? More specifically, what can I do to ensure my 2 DD don’t inherit my outlook and are instead happy, content people who are at peace with life?

Environment is only one part of it

My parents are also nothing to emulate. Selfish and distracted. But I learnt young to have good boundaries, take care of my self and not depend on others for my security or happiness. Which makes for a shit childhood, but a fairly happy adult life.
I've encouraged my DC to be independent, own their own happiness and decisions. So far its been mostly successful but time will tell.

All of this. My family life and childhood were mot good. There was serious abuse in my family and I am the type of person who values accountability and responsibility whereas that was very much dodged by my parents but also I believe I deserve to be protected as they refused to do that so I did it instead. That I could do that myself makes me feel happy ahd confident as a person.

I am generally happy and content in my life now. I really grateful for the life I have and as much as I possibly can I focus on that.

Your upbringing and parents are only one part of a complex puzzle when it comes to lifelong wellbeing.
I was brought up by very loving parents alongside two lovely siblings. The first eleven years of my life were wonderful. But, then I suffered extreme bullying at a very odd and unsuitable school. That triggered many years since of pretty severe mental health issues, including bouts of severe depression. My mum's prone to depression too, and so I think there's a genetic component. I also think I was born a sensitive soul, and easily traumatised by things that some people might recover quickly from?
So, people are complex, life is complex. People end up happy/unhappy for all sorts of reasons.
One thing I would say is that in spite of my mother being loving, she was inclined to guilt-trip and shame me. She honestly didn't mean harm, and I don't think she could help herself, as she was struggling at the time. But, I was already pretty damaged by that time (my teenage years) and it was profoundly unhelpful. She was a wonderful mother of babies and little ones, but less so teenagers, which she'd admit to herself.
My dad was wonderful - peaceful and gentle. #daddy'sgirl

She always said the best thing that ever happened to her was adopting me … I lucked out that day

How lovely!

My DD is adopted and I echo your mum's sentiments.

I really didn't have good parents. Literally all I can say is that my mother taught me the importance of eating healthy food. She brought us up on wholemeal bread and flour, no white sugar, veg and fruit. We never had biscuits , cakes or desserts. I hated that at the time and when I left home started eating crap. I put on weight and my skin looked awful so I quickly reverted to the whole foods eating with which I was brought up. I have no fillings and have had very good health up until recently.

Emotionally they were very neglectful, never helped me with anything, were there for me in any way. I brought myself up really. it was a very lonely childhood. My father was an angry abusive man, and my mother was just emotionally absent.

I think it might be an inherent personality trait to have a positive outlook. My brother and I grew up together only 18 months difference in age, same parents. As adults we have totally different outlooks in terms of glass half full/empty.

Got ignored, got hit. Never got any toys I wanted, but I did get fed and housed. They did their best with what they had. Their childhoods were far worse. I don't blame anyone for my life and I'm grateful with what I have.

As an adult you cannot continue to blame your parents forever and are responsible for making your own life. As a result, while I'm not as harsh to my kids, I am certainly not a "gentle parent" and have firm boundaries and high standards for behaviour. They are happy that way and I hope they learn resilience and gratefulness. I talk to them about their grandparents' childhoods to show the contrast with their own.

My parents did everything wrong, I had the most miserable and sad childhood. Yet, I am a very happy and content woman.

What is the reason you are happy do you think?

Agreed that it can be helpful to look at what your parents did wrong in order to learn how not to repeat the same mistakes in both your own life, and with your own kids. The things your parents did wrong often causes anger in a person, and anger is a strong motivator to do things differently & better. My dad has always been completely unable to show/tolerate/talk about any kind of emotion at all. I’d get shouted at for crying, was never asked how I felt about anything ever, never talked about feelings of any kind. It was like he wanted to pretend we didn’t have any actual feelings, like we were robots or something. I had zero emotional support. It was especially difficult as it was just him, my brother and me after my mum abandoned us when I was 7 or 8. I’ve turned out the complete opposite somehow! I’m really in tune with my feelings & emotions, can articulate them well and easily, other people’s emotions don’t make me uncomfortable and I’m happy to talk deeply about anything. It took me a while to get here though. Probably until my mid-20s I was very emotionally closed, would never let anyone see me emotional, couldn’t talk about anything difficult or emotional because I’d never learnt how. I gradually opened up, and with life experience, became the open book I am today, because that’s obviously who I was “supposed” to be. I’m probably a bit OTT the other way with my dd now with the talking about feelings stuff, she’ll probably tell me to mind my own business when she’s a bit older! I think experiencing the negative effects of having no emotional support (for me, depression & self-harm) has made me really understand how important it is to be able to give this to your child. So thanks dad 🤣

Never ending love and support from my parents which has extended to today. Sadly my Dad died 3 years ago but he gave us a life filled with laughter and love, there was nothing he wouldnt do for us. In my darkest days my Mum will know and call me several times a day to check in, I describe it as a blanket of love that gets thrown over you and you feel enveloped in the warm feeling. I have tried to give my own DC the same.

I agree with the points around benign neglect. I was raised in a European way where parents don’t helicopter around their kids. We were left to play for hours (this is the 90s not ye olden days) in the garden or local spaces with no input other than knowing we were alive. It taught us to occupy ourselves and trust our own judgement and also a bit of resilience. If I look at my friends and their kids, these kids are tutored so they never fail a test. Their lives are scheduled with clubs so they never learn to be bored. They follow them round playgrounds and catch them before they ever hit the floor so they never learn that if you scrape your knee it’s not the end of the world.

I also think teach gratitude. My ex is quite a naturally unhappy person never content with his lot. His parents are massive strivers, always wanting a bigger house, more money, envying things other people have. I was always taught to see our lives in context of the rest of the world and history. We have access to books in libraries, we have heating and food. We have lovely things like parks and a beautiful country, and ice cream and summer. I was taught just to value the little things. Enjoy the smell of freshly cut grass. Enjoy free things like museums and galleries and the park. Enjoy being still and meals with good company.

The only thing i’d add which isn’t relevant for my generation but is for this one - NO SOCIAL MEDIA. THIS INCLUDES YOUTUBE. It turns people into monsters where they compare themselves to others and the example set by the narcissists on these platforms is hideous

I felt very loved by both parents and they often told me they loved me. I know a few people my age (50s) who were never told that, even though it was a happy childhood! I had loads of freedom, would walk to the shops from about the age of 9, mainly because I was very sensible. Unfortunately my parents divorced which was devastating for me but I became even closer to my dad as he was such a kind soul. They became friends again later on which was lovely to see. My friends thought my mum was really cool.as she was bright & friendly & always singing and i was very proud of that

I read a study somewhere which said that the single most important thing for a child’s happy development is to have at least one adult in their life that loves them (if i recall the phrase) “irrationally” - in other words, an adult that would sacrifice their life to save them, unconditionally and happily. How I feel about my kids and I’m sure most on here do.

I knew my parents felt that way about me. My kids know I feel that about them.

They were just consisent, reliable.

Not perfect, not emotional. My mother has never said she loves me, but she shows it everday, by being available. Everything she does for us is completely unconditional.

IMO absolutely the most important thing in a child's upbringing is to feel secure, to know what's expected of them and what to expect from their parents.

Taught resilience, self reliance, and the message that it is your responsibility and choice to lead your life in the way you want to.

Enjoy your friends and family but YOU are solely responsible for YOU!

Slightly worrying but another person who was happy once I left home, because nothing since in my life has been as awful as living in my childhood home was.

Every day I am happy not to be there.

It's really tricky because my children have had a pretty good life, but they do focus on minor negatives (which we work through) and I worry that their life will actually never be as good as when they were living at home, being supported mentally and financially.

It's also personality dependent as other siblings have had severe issues.

I think a lot of ability to be happy comes from you and your personality type OP. Nature vs nurture as it were.

All my children have been raised in the same generally happy, reasonably comfortable house with the same 2 parents. They've been raised in this same way (as much as possible with children of differing ages), by 2 caring, generally optimistic parents.

One child is really struggling despite not having any reason to feel unhappy/depressed. Meanwhile another child, despite drawing the short straw with their physical health, is happy and thriving.

Looking back through my family tree there does seem to be a random thread of people like my struggling daughter (my sister, my maternal aunt, a cousin) so I think her issues are probably genetic.

What a lovely post. This is great advice.

This in spades plus excellent manners and the ability to hold conversations with adults at quite a young age, gives you bags of confidence.

This is a really good one.

one of my old friends was constantly miserable and always blamed everyone else. I often reflected afterwards he obviously felt like a passenger in his own life.

So that, what you said, don’t be a passenger, take control. Massive one for happiness

My parents were happy people themselves and I wonder if there's a genetic element to mood. They also gave us a stable upbringing and modelled personal competence and resilience. The flip side of this is that they couldn't understand and were inclined to blame my sister and me when, separately, we had short term work-related mental health issues, and my dad was dismissive when my mum became despondent while she was ill and scared towards the end of her life.

I had children with a morose, negative and complaining sort of man whose mother was similar, and I see aspects of that in all of the now-adult children to some extent.

This is all very interesting. Thank you so much

I agree there’s definitely an element of genetics and nature- I can see that just looking at me and my siblings. I also agree with pp that unconditional and “irrational” love make a big difference but I feel if that comes with anxiety and over protectiveness it’s terrible for resilience so it’s a fine line. Makes sense so many of you mention benign neglect.

I admire anyone who has taught themselves to be happy. for the people who have had therapy, did it actually help?

I don't think parents in the 1960s and 70s overthought it! They fed us and sent us to school. So while they may have made lots of mistakes, we grew up with discipline and an understanding that the world didn't revolve around us. I think that bred resilience, which does pay off in the long run.