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Original poster

Would you send DS some money?

106 replies

Pinkbus · 09/06/2026 15:53

DS moved, with his GF to a beautiful palce 300 miles.from home. It's lovely there and they've really thrown themselves in to rural life and the local community.

Both working in close to minimum wage jobs and renting a room in a shared house. They are enjoying life and seem to have money to spend out and about.

I've just been for a visit/holiday. They more or less carrried on as usual and I entertained myself during the day, but we met up on their days off and for breakfast/dinner depending on their shifts.

I booked accomodation elsewhere as they have nowhere to put me up, but that worked well. A week is a long time to have a houseguest! It was a lovely week and I think we all enjoyed it.

I paid for most things, but they did cook for me one evening and DS bought one breakfast and some coffee and cake.

So the trip cost me quite a bit, but I had a lovely time, it was great to see them, I appreciate they both gave me most of their free time for the week amd it was nice to treat them.

I was thinking of sending DS a sum roughly equivalent to what he will have spent - an acknowledgement that having me there has cost them money they might not otherwise have spent, even if they also benefited, and a thank you. I can afford it, but don't have a bottomless pit.

But, I'm not sure if it's better to just accept the times when he willingly treated me and let him be a grown up! Basically I don't want to cause offemce (to him or GF) by trying too hard to be nice.

OP posts:
LoremIpsumCici · 09/06/2026 15:56

I wouldn’t send money in that situation, no.
They are financially independent and must have loved treating you within their means.

Save the funds for a birthday or Christmas.

Naurrr · 09/06/2026 15:57

I think you're overthinking it, reimbursing him for a breakfast, coffee and cake seems unnecessary.

JumpingRabbit · 09/06/2026 15:57

If he offered to pay for cake and coffee at the time, I wouldn’t offer to send the money and cooking for a parent is normal but if you can afford to treat them, why not send a little thank you gift like a restaurant voucher or hamper with a little note saying it was lovely to see you, thanks for hosting etc

Conchiglie · 09/06/2026 15:57

It sounds like a lovely visit OP. I think I wouldn't transfer the money now - he probably enjoyed treating you! Maybe you could make a mental note to be a bit more generous than usual for his next birthday? Or send them a "no reason" present if you see something they'd like in the next couple of months?

Scrumptiousy · 09/06/2026 15:57

I would help financially as much as I could

snd that would equate to substantially more than a coffee and cake cost

omgitchiness · 09/06/2026 15:57

Did he mention being short of money to you?
I don't think I'd send money but perhaps a thank you gift voucher to treat themselves- cinema vouchers, restaurant chain voucher, M&S voucher to treat themselves to a Dine In offer.

moodbored · 09/06/2026 15:57

JumpingRabbit · 09/06/2026 15:57

If he offered to pay for cake and coffee at the time, I wouldn’t offer to send the money and cooking for a parent is normal but if you can afford to treat them, why not send a little thank you gift like a restaurant voucher or hamper with a little note saying it was lovely to see you, thanks for hosting etc

I like this idea.

cestlavielife · 09/06/2026 15:58

but they did cook for me one evening and DS bought one breakfast and some coffee and cake. so what about £30??

Just send them a thank you hamper !

TokyoSushi · 09/06/2026 15:58

Yes, but don't send it as a reimbursement, send it as a thank you for having me gift, voucher or similar would be great.

Scrumptiousy · 09/06/2026 15:59

How old is he? He’s renting a room with his partner in a shared house. They are both on NMW. As much financial help as I could afford I would give but…. That’s always been my priority

Doteycat · 09/06/2026 16:00

Yes i would.
Id sent some money and say thanks for having me, buy yourself something nice.
I always do this. No clue if its used for treats or bills. But its always appreciated.

Original poster
Pinkbus · 09/06/2026 16:03

cestlavielife · 09/06/2026 15:58

but they did cook for me one evening and DS bought one breakfast and some coffee and cake. so what about £30??

Just send them a thank you hamper !

No. A lot more than that. Probably £60 for breakfast and £30 every time we had coffee and cake. I was thinking of sending £100 which probably doesn't quite cover what he will have spent.

Actually, thinking about it he also paid some parking and bus fares, so closer to £150, I think.

It's a very lovely place, but in common with many touristy places, eating out is very expensive.

OP posts:
Ipsevenenabibas · 09/06/2026 16:03

My parents never let me pay for anything and if I do pay for it and insist they let me they will always send money over into my account to the same amount or more. It's always been this way and they are the same with my siblings. Very generous, yes. My children aren't independent adults yet but hell will freeze over before I allow them to put their hands in their pockets for me.

muddyford · 09/06/2026 16:05

One of the best things about being an adult is treating your parents to a meal or coffee.

Doteycat · 09/06/2026 16:06

Ipsevenenabibas · 09/06/2026 16:03

My parents never let me pay for anything and if I do pay for it and insist they let me they will always send money over into my account to the same amount or more. It's always been this way and they are the same with my siblings. Very generous, yes. My children aren't independent adults yet but hell will freeze over before I allow them to put their hands in their pockets for me.

This is lovely.
Im the opposite. My parents wldnt give you tuppence or buy a thing once we had a pt job at 16. They expected us to treat them all the time.
Hence im probably too bloody generous lol.
But id give them my lungs if they needed it so a few bob is no hardship.
I love treating them.

FallingInLove · 09/06/2026 16:08

I would definitely send them money. They’re earning a crap wage and live in a shared house so I’d want to help them.

Original poster
Pinkbus · 09/06/2026 16:09

Ipsevenenabibas · 09/06/2026 16:03

My parents never let me pay for anything and if I do pay for it and insist they let me they will always send money over into my account to the same amount or more. It's always been this way and they are the same with my siblings. Very generous, yes. My children aren't independent adults yet but hell will freeze over before I allow them to put their hands in their pockets for me.

Interesting because I definitely paid well over my fair share, but it was nice that he also wanted to treat me/contribute. It felt like I'd done a good job raising him to be a functioning adult iyswim.

I understand what others are saying about helping as much as possible and that's definitely where my mindset is, but they do know how to spend. Anything I send now is likely to go on more coffee and cake etc, whereas I could put it by for something else. Ultimately everything will end up with DS one way or another.

But my main concern is not to do anything that takes the shine off the week.

OP posts:
Scrumptiousy · 09/06/2026 16:10

Then transfer over plus extra as thanks and a treat. How old is he?

Original poster
Pinkbus · 09/06/2026 16:10

muddyford · 09/06/2026 16:05

One of the best things about being an adult is treating your parents to a meal or coffee.

Yes, I think so, the reason for my overthinking. I like to help them, but I don't want to take that away from them.

OP posts:
watchingthishtread · 09/06/2026 16:11

I think sending money now might take the shine off the week. It might suggest that you thought he wasn't coping well on his own. Why not wait until his birthday or Christmas or wait until there is something specific that he needs the money for.

Original poster
Pinkbus · 09/06/2026 16:12

FallingInLove · 09/06/2026 16:08

I would definitely send them money. They’re earning a crap wage and live in a shared house so I’d want to help them.

Fwiw the living arrangements are entirely their choice and working really well for them as newcomers to the area. They know there's some help available if/when they're ready to buy.

OP posts:
Scrumptiousy · 09/06/2026 16:12

Pinkbus · 09/06/2026 16:10

Yes, I think so, the reason for my overthinking. I like to help them, but I don't want to take that away from them.

Show quote history

How old is he??

and trust me… renting one room with his girlfriend in a flat share - he won’t take offence by his mum sending him a bit a money to say “thanks for having me - treat yourself!”

Original poster
Pinkbus · 09/06/2026 16:14

He's 24.

OP posts:
TheRealWhacker · 09/06/2026 16:17

£150 is about two days wages after tax on minimum wage so he’s spent a significant portion of his income on your visit. Sounds like you’ve raised a lovely son but I honestly don’t understand the angst over treating your child and ensuring they have a nice life.

Why can you just send him some money and say “was so lovely so see you, I’ve sent you some money so you can treat yourself”. My kids are young but I can’t wait to be able to do this for them as it makes such a huge difference when you’re young and struggling for money.

Ipsevenenabibas · 09/06/2026 16:19

Pinkbus · 09/06/2026 16:09

Interesting because I definitely paid well over my fair share, but it was nice that he also wanted to treat me/contribute. It felt like I'd done a good job raising him to be a functioning adult iyswim.

I understand what others are saying about helping as much as possible and that's definitely where my mindset is, but they do know how to spend. Anything I send now is likely to go on more coffee and cake etc, whereas I could put it by for something else. Ultimately everything will end up with DS one way or another.

But my main concern is not to do anything that takes the shine off the week.

Show quote history

I am a functioning adult! I can afford to treat my parents but it's my parents feeling that they don't want to take a penny from their children! I feel the same way. My children could become millionaires and I wouldn't be comfortable letting them pay the bill! Anyway it is lovely your son treated you and it's great you want to show your gratitude. Perhaps do an online shop of food you know they will eat/enjoy. Send a text saying you had a fabulous time and this is a gift to show you're appreciation, love mum!