Would you send DS some money?

[Pinkbus]

DS moved, with his GF to a beautiful palce 300 miles.from home. It's lovely there and they've really thrown themselves in to rural life and the local community.

Both working in close to minimum wage jobs and renting a room in a shared house. They are enjoying life and seem to have money to spend out and about.

I've just been for a visit/holiday. They more or less carrried on as usual and I entertained myself during the day, but we met up on their days off and for breakfast/dinner depending on their shifts.

I booked accomodation elsewhere as they have nowhere to put me up, but that worked well. A week is a long time to have a houseguest! It was a lovely week and I think we all enjoyed it.

I paid for most things, but they did cook for me one evening and DS bought one breakfast and some coffee and cake.

So the trip cost me quite a bit, but I had a lovely time, it was great to see them, I appreciate they both gave me most of their free time for the week amd it was nice to treat them.

I was thinking of sending DS a sum roughly equivalent to what he will have spent - an acknowledgement that having me there has cost them money they might not otherwise have spent, even if they also benefited, and a thank you. I can afford it, but don't have a bottomless pit.

But, I'm not sure if it's better to just accept the times when he willingly treated me and let him be a grown up! Basically I don't want to cause offemce (to him or GF) by trying too hard to be nice.

Oh send the money plus some without hesitation. He won’t be offended, he’ll be chuffed

My mother does this when she stays, I tell her not too but she insists. 😂 It’s fine op you sound lovely.

Could you perhaps be extra generous at birthdays and Christmas?

It is such a thoughtful idea OP.

That would have made me feel a bit weird I think, how's he going to feel the next time?

Makes it all kinds of compliacted for the future, does he always expect to be reimbursed, does he act differently incase the mum thinks he thinks he'll get reimbursed. Does the mum feel she has to cough up every visit?

No, too must angst for me and I would have felt awkward if my mum had paid me back

Clearly we don't know the son so we can't possibly say how he'll feel but not repaying someone who has willingly treated you seems the least contentious option imo

I perhaps see this different to most, but I would not send cash or a gift, I would send a simple “thank-you, it was a lovely holiday” card.
You, the parent, treated them to quite a bit. He, the son, treated you to a little. That’s a nice balance for a parent/young adult son relationship.
Sending a hamper or restaurant voucher seems a bit OTT to me. If staying in their home I would have taken a gift with me or sent something afterwards. But you stayed elsewhere and spent some of their free time with them - lovely, but shouldn’t be an inconvenience for them, you are his mother.

Do it @Pinkbus, they can't have much disposable income bless them . They sound wonderful how lucky are you 🤗

What about something like a just eat or amazon voucher? Thanks for having me stay, a treat for you both kind of thing. Seems better than cash for some reason

If someone paid for things for me, then yes I would pay them back.

Often if I’m out with siblings it’s easier to pay using 1 card etc and we always transfer it back to each other or at least offer.

I would definitely send it to them.
I’d hate to think my DC was out of pocket from spending their money on me.

Obviously only if you can afford it though, don’t leave yourself short.

What are your circumstances vs theirs?

They’re only on NMW but there’s 2 of them so that’s like £50k between them which is a lot of money, especially when they’re sharing the bills.

If you live alone on 1 wage paying all of the bills yourself then you’ll be worse off than them.
If you have a DP and both have good jobs then you’re better off and I’d definitely send the money.

Send him some money he will appreciate it

I'd send them a take away voucher or similar as a thank you. That way you aren't reimbursing them but you are thanking them in a way that balances things out

Send him some money and tell him to treat himself to a night out/takeaway.

There's nothing wrong with treating your grown up kids.

My ILs are like this. And while it’s appreciated, sometimes we just want to pay for a meal and have it accepted as the gesture it is! It gets frustrating when they insist on sending the money to us; we offered to pay for a reason.

It sounds like you've brought up a beautiful son and have a great relationship with both of them. He covered what they could with no expectation of it being paid back because he appreciated what you spent to spend time with them. If you'd like to acknowledge that with a treat in some way you could if you can afford it and it sounds like they'd genuinely appreciate it. You should really be very proud of the man you've raised IMO xx

I wouldn't send him money in relation to that trip
As adults you should treat each other when and how appropriate
But if you wanted to you could send him over some money separately for a birthday or just because. Just don't link it to the trip

Hi OP, I agree with other posters that if you want to top up the Christmas fund with what you’re considering sending, and getting them something a little nicer than an average Christmas, that’ll go down well. When I’d just graduated uni I was poor and working a minimum wage job but when my mum came to visit I was really proud to buy her a drink (even though she paid for a hotel!) and I would have been a little crushed if she sent it back to me - it would have felt like an acknowledgement that I wasn’t doing well enough to spend the money, which would have stung. Thank him & GF for the lovely week you had and treat them another time 🙂 they’ll remember the treat far more than they will a bank transfer.

People seem to be dwelling on them having NMW jobs but 2 people sharing a room and bills will have a take home of at least £3400 a month and shouldn’t exactly be living on the breadline if they’re in a house share. I’d send them something as a thank you. My parents are always trying to reimburse me for paying for things and I find it quite insulting that they don’t allow me treat them occasionally,

Why did you leave him pay for everything? Didn’t you offer?

In similar situations if I wanted to be sure my adult son wasn't out of pocket but not be all smothering about it, I'd send maybe a voucher for something I know he/they want - new duvet set, something for the kitchen.

Why don't you just ask him if he could do with some extra? And if he says no, tell him the offer's always open.

She didn’t. It’s clear in her OP that she paid for most things apart from a breakfast and some coffees.

The holiday cost you quite a lot of money and you treated both your DS and his girlfriend to meals out, etc. I think you should allow your son to pay what was a relatively small amount of money as his contribution to what was a bit of a joint holiday. If you pay him back, it undermines his thought and effort, and I think it will make things more difficult in the future, as your son will be uncertain as to whether you'll be paying him back or not. Just let him know how much you enjoyed and appreciated the whole trip, mention how nice his cooking was, and leave it at that. You can always give him a monetary or expensive practical present for his next birthday or for Christmas. He's an adult now - personally I feel that an adult child with a job should expect to contribute something to a joint day out (ideally their fair share, but with you treating them now and then), and they should certainly not expect to be paid back for home cooking. It's arguably a bit different if they're going on days out they've already been on because you want to do those things though, or if you're keen to do something expensive and want them go go with you. At that point you could treat them. I actually think that it might be worth a chat with your son to decide what makes sense for everyone, before the next trip.

Yes, I'd do something like this - dressed up as a "thank you" rather than a "reimbursement," but something that will reimburse as it is useful and will save them money.

I think it would be lovely of you to send some money and not offensive at all. At that age I would treat my mum but she would fairly regularly buy my weekly food shop or pass me £20 here or there (over 20 years ago). I think we were both pleased to be able to treat each other a bit.