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Original poster

Would you send DS some money?

106 replies

Pinkbus · 09/06/2026 15:53

DS moved, with his GF to a beautiful palce 300 miles.from home. It's lovely there and they've really thrown themselves in to rural life and the local community.

Both working in close to minimum wage jobs and renting a room in a shared house. They are enjoying life and seem to have money to spend out and about.

I've just been for a visit/holiday. They more or less carrried on as usual and I entertained myself during the day, but we met up on their days off and for breakfast/dinner depending on their shifts.

I booked accomodation elsewhere as they have nowhere to put me up, but that worked well. A week is a long time to have a houseguest! It was a lovely week and I think we all enjoyed it.

I paid for most things, but they did cook for me one evening and DS bought one breakfast and some coffee and cake.

So the trip cost me quite a bit, but I had a lovely time, it was great to see them, I appreciate they both gave me most of their free time for the week amd it was nice to treat them.

I was thinking of sending DS a sum roughly equivalent to what he will have spent - an acknowledgement that having me there has cost them money they might not otherwise have spent, even if they also benefited, and a thank you. I can afford it, but don't have a bottomless pit.

But, I'm not sure if it's better to just accept the times when he willingly treated me and let him be a grown up! Basically I don't want to cause offemce (to him or GF) by trying too hard to be nice.

OP posts:
Horses7 · 09/06/2026 20:02

At first I thought NOOO but on reflection I would send something perhaps not the full amount but a ‘both of you have a meal out - a thank you for looking after me so well’

XiCi · 09/06/2026 20:02

Ipsevenenabibas · 09/06/2026 16:03

My parents never let me pay for anything and if I do pay for it and insist they let me they will always send money over into my account to the same amount or more. It's always been this way and they are the same with my siblings. Very generous, yes. My children aren't independent adults yet but hell will freeze over before I allow them to put their hands in their pockets for me.

Same

Magicalbroomstick · 09/06/2026 20:14

If he is full time he’s on about £1700 take home pay. A month.
If that was me as adult child I would be insulted if you sent me money for the treats I paid for! I wouldn’t not paid if I couldn’t afford it.

andnowwhatdowedo · 09/06/2026 20:19

Don't, they are adults and didn't have to take you out . They saved on the meals you bought them anyway.

HedgehogSam · 09/06/2026 20:19

I wouldn't try to reimburse him. I remember how lovely it felt to be able to treat my parents when I was young and newly financially independent. My parents were always generous with meals out, etc. but as an adult I didn't want them to be the ones to pay for everything. If your son offered, it was presumably because he wanted to pay. I wouldn't do anything that seemed like a rejection of his gesture.

Happyjoe · 09/06/2026 20:24

Just sneak a little extra in a b'day card next time? You seem a lovely mum and glad had a great time.

Chilly80 · 09/06/2026 20:29

I'd up what you give on his birthday/Christmas

FunnyPanda · 09/06/2026 20:39

Thank you card & £100 cheque.

I’ve had such a lovely week with you both. I know you’ve spent time and money having me around, and I really appreciate it.

I’d like to treat you both to something as a thank you. Here’s £100 to put towards a meal out together or to stock up the fridge.

Thank you for all the coffees, breakfasts, dinners and, most of all, your company.

ThatCosy · 09/06/2026 21:05

Don't send anything. It's your job to help them become adults and it would be awkward to stop once you start. Send a generous, thoughtful Xmas present. You've got the balance right.

VisitingInkMonitor · 09/06/2026 21:08

Please don’t OP. My MiL (who is lovely) used to do this all the time. Usually she thrust notes into DHs hand just as she was boarding the train which made him feel a bit sleezy. It always tarnished any visit as we felt infantilised. As we got older and earnt way more money than ILs she still did it, until I put my foot down when she tried to give me money because she thought we’d spent too much on her Christmas present. If you want to be lovely send a box of wine or similar. My ILs never turned up with wine, flowers or anything that actually required thought. It made the whole visit always feel weirdly transactional even though she was trying to be nice.

Blueblell · 09/06/2026 21:09

I would send them some money and just say you had a great week and enjoyed their company. You want to be able to visit again without them panicking about having to overspend whilst you visit. You don’t get many coffees and breakfasts for 3 on £30 as someone else suggested so it probably has dented their budget.

Wokeuptired · 09/06/2026 21:13

I give my children money for no reason just so they can indulge a little. They are grateful for it when I do, I think it shows compassion

Corvidsarethebest · 09/06/2026 21:15

I would not reimburse him, let him have his pride in treating his mum!

At a different time, send them a treat of some money for a meal out- spreads out the goodwill and makes you all feel nice.

I send my kids quite a bit of money for extras, just like spending it that way. I still let them buy me gifts, the odd bunch of flowers, make me food, it's nice to feel it's reciprocated.

BrownBookshelf · 09/06/2026 21:15

Like other posters, I'd send something over and make it a thank you. Tell him it was wonderful to see the two of them, you loved the visit, here is a little something to treat yourselves as I see how hard you're working. Vouchers may feel more appropriate than cash.

Putmedownfor5shagger · 09/06/2026 21:16

My parents also don't let us pay for anything. And still give us spending money for treats on holiday etc! They love doing it and it's no issue for them financially.

I will be exactly the same with my child. I just can't imagine not being.

But, I do accept not every family is the same and I do have friends who wouldn't like to accept money from their parents as adults, even though they have good relationships.

So it's hard to say without knowing your relationship but if you want to and they would be happy as far as you know, I would do it.

BuildbyNumbere · 09/06/2026 21:17

I would probably leave it … you paid out plenty by the sounds of it so I wouldn’t send more money.

BatFinkk · 09/06/2026 21:18

I think you’ve posted quite a bit about this before haven’t you?

Wecandothisasalways · 09/06/2026 21:26

It’s a tricky dilemma. I have one son who I have helped out financially a few times…he has never asked,I have always offered.
He is in another mess again financially but has been very clear that he is an adult and wants to work this out himself. Am guessing that I have inadvertently enabled him over the years with the best intentions. Am definitely going to give him the space this time and hopefully he will be ok .

Franjipanl8r · 09/06/2026 21:32

There’s no normal or standard scenario here. Both mine and DH’s parents never let us pay for anything. We couldn’t even buy them a coffee and a cake if we wanted to and we’ve tried to on lots of occasions.

Personally I would have just paid my way at the time rather than sending a hamper or voucher now.

Cioccoholic · 09/06/2026 21:33

I loved having the money and independence to treat my mum and dad when I was first moved into my house share in my 20s!

By all means send a lovely thank you card and perhaps a Love2Shop voucher they can use in a supermarket or for something nice for themselves. Or save it for a birthday or something.

LBFseBrom · 09/06/2026 21:37

LoremIpsumCici · 09/06/2026 15:56

I wouldn’t send money in that situation, no.
They are financially independent and must have loved treating you within their means.

Save the funds for a birthday or Christmas.

I agree.

It sounds like you had a great time.

fundamentallyauthentic · 09/06/2026 21:41

LoremIpsumCici · 09/06/2026 15:56

I wouldn’t send money in that situation, no.
They are financially independent and must have loved treating you within their means.

Save the funds for a birthday or Christmas.

Yes, agree. Also, they’re staring a room in a shared house, so presumably would have an OK amount of disposable income.

SwatTheTwit · 09/06/2026 21:42

I think this is really a “only you can tell” situation. I pay for everything when I visit my mother or when she visits me as I know she doesn’t have the means, but I also wouldn’t feel offended or that it took the shine off anything if you were to send them money.

DD plans on moving abroad and I plan on covering everything when I visit but if there’s one thing she loves is seeing money drop into her account lol she definitely won’t feel offended.

Original poster
Pinkbus · 09/06/2026 21:47

Playingsunandfun · 09/06/2026 19:52

Why did you leave him pay for everything? Didn’t you offer?

Why on earth do you think I left him to pay for everything? I paid the vast majority. He got in quick a couple of times. Literally jumped in front of me with his contactless.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 09/06/2026 21:48

One way my parents did this in early days was to either gift us something they knew we wanted while they were visiting or after the visit to send a random gift “to help you buy that armchair you were talking about”.

One time my mother bought me a nice baking sheet. I needed one and her buying me one not only got me better quality, it freed up cash for other things.