The difference between ‘can’t afford’ and ‘would rather not spend my money on’ something

[Thingsthatgo]

I’ve been pondering this recently. As a family we are careful with money. We earn a bit above average and we save around £1k per month. I shop on Vinted, our furniture is all preloved and we take inexpensive holidays (mostly camping).
Regularly I am obliged to spend money on things I don’t enjoy, and wouldn’t choose myself, but that’s just life. I am just pondering how much other people do this, and whether it bothers them.
One example is family days out. My in-laws visit once a month, and will often suggest we book somewhere nice for lunch as a treat. We split the cost, but it usually costs us £150-200. (man-child BIL doesn’t ever contribute, but that’s another story). As a family of four we would only ever do this as a celebration, not as a monthly thing. I don’t enjoy them, and I feel a bit resentful, I guess.
I often suggest cheaper options, but they get rejected.
The problem is, although I would much rather use the money for other things, we can afford it. So should I just suck it up?

Is Gran Canaria okay with you? We're going on tne first two weeks in September, so I'm just wondering if it meets with your approval?
🤔

I’m still trying to get my head around people saving 1k a month! I’d be lucky to save half of that in a year.

Sure, I get that, but ONLY camping holidays?

Are you the OP? Why are you asking me?

Can’t you invite them for lunch and cook instead?

It’s not a treat if they’re not treating you, it’s not something you enjoy and it’s so often.

"Sorry, we don't have the spare money for that this time".

The risk with ‘we can’t afford it’ is that someone will offer to pay for you out of kindness then get annoyed when you book flights or buy a nice car with the money you’ve been saving. Better to say not in our budget but we’ll join for a drink or walk after

We just say that it's more than we are willing to spend on that. My mil wanted us to go swimming with them at £84 for me, dh and the dc for an hour and a half. There's no way I'm spending that so I found a cheaper alternative. Mil said that was tacky so I said that's fine, we'll just go without them. Which mil wasn't happy about but it's tough luck.

You need to say you can’t thoil it. It’s a great word and concept:

In Northern English dialects (particularly Yorkshire), "to thoil" (often related to "thole") means to be able to justify the expense of something. It perfectly describes the feeling of being able to afford an object, but feeling too guilty to actually part with the money. 1, 2, 3]

Yes I feel like my life is a constant set of obligations to be honest and the main reason I'm in debt.

I wouldn’t! What’s the point t if you don’t enjoy it! That’s a lot of money I think to be spending on a regular basis on a lunch.

It's fine to not want to buy things that you don't want, but I think you come across as a bit stingy on other things. Perhaps it's because I think camping holidays aren't actually my idea of a good time, buying used stuff isn't my idea of nice things etc. Coming from a very poor background, I like to be able to buy new stuff, because growing up clothes were mostly hand me downs, we never had new furniture and life was grim..I like to have decent facilities when on holiday because I never went on holiday as a child. I don't find sleeping in a tent fun. Perhaps explaining that you have different priorities is a better way to explain to the relatives because you can afford a meal out, you just choose not to.

People have different amounts of money. Plus it's not compulsory to spend all the money you have. I too would resent the expectation to go for an expensive meal out like this every month as well as the unfair split in the costs. As a well paid child free person, it sounds like the BIL could well have far more disposable income than the OP but he's perceived by his parents as being disadvantaged in some way

Glad the OP has decided to speak up. The cafe with a nice view sounds lovely.

lots of posters are concerned that we are missing out on fun stuff - I’m very happy with my choices. I don’t have gross old furniture, my bed is a four poster in mahogany and my kitchen is solid oak - it’s just been bought preloved rather than brand new.
We go on holiday in our campervan, so that we can afford the school trips abroad for the DCs, and still put £1k a month away for university. It is very important to me that my DCs can study without feeling like they need to limit their choices due to money constraints, so that is my priority.

Yes I often say ‘I can’t afford it’. I imagine people think I’m skint, which I’m not. What I mean is ‘I can’t justify that amount of money on that’. Often things like getting hair/makeup done. Brand new clothes. ‘Bottomless brunch’ Urghh

Good grief, how much are they drinking that a bill for 5 adults and 2 children is approaching £400? I agree - a nice cafe, garden centre, or a picnic is better, but I would make the point that £150 for lunch is outside your budget and you won’t be continuing it going forward. The brother might be discouraged from going if he can’t drink so that’s a bonus.

Totally agree

Then just say ' no I don't want to spend money on that, I'll pass on it'. The trouble with saying you can't afford something is that some 'kind'person will offer to pay. My DH had a friend who pled poverty, so he would often stump up. I told him he was a fool because they had more money than we had, and eventually he realised. They were saving lots of money every month, but were happy for others to pay. Tell the truth, it's better.

I have this problem too sometimes - I got around it by saying I didn't like the formality of a restaurant and prefer a pub lunch - and I suggest something I know is good value! It's seems ridiculous as you say to spend that much on a meal. Eating out is so overpriced now. Can your husband back you up on this?

I do but I don't have a mortgage and DH's retirement is looming (I am a bit younger so need to work longer!)

I have a bit of a bugbear about this after a colleague wistfullly said “I wish we could afford a holiday like that” straight after telling me about her brand new hand made kitchen. We had simply decided our scratty kitchen was good enough and chose to go to Thailand instead (no regrets)

Do you and your in-laws split 50/50? If so you're in a tricky position because they are subsiding your children (though it would annoy me too!).

If you pay for your own family, just say "that's kind FIL, including BIL's share, your portion is £££". Then be very confused if he tries to make you pay half of BIL's meal.

I would also suggest that everyone pays for their own meal and drinks OP. You are being suckered at thw moment. Very cheeky of them.