The difference between ‘can’t afford’ and ‘would rather not spend my money on’ something

[Thingsthatgo]

I’ve been pondering this recently. As a family we are careful with money. We earn a bit above average and we save around £1k per month. I shop on Vinted, our furniture is all preloved and we take inexpensive holidays (mostly camping).
Regularly I am obliged to spend money on things I don’t enjoy, and wouldn’t choose myself, but that’s just life. I am just pondering how much other people do this, and whether it bothers them.
One example is family days out. My in-laws visit once a month, and will often suggest we book somewhere nice for lunch as a treat. We split the cost, but it usually costs us £150-200. (man-child BIL doesn’t ever contribute, but that’s another story). As a family of four we would only ever do this as a celebration, not as a monthly thing. I don’t enjoy them, and I feel a bit resentful, I guess.
I often suggest cheaper options, but they get rejected.
The problem is, although I would much rather use the money for other things, we can afford it. So should I just suck it up?

I agree with your broad point about not spending money on things you don’t see value in. Obviously.

However on the lunch point I’m on the fence because it doesn’t just affect you, it affects the ILs too. Your ILs might well not enjoy the sort of cheaper lunch you suggest. So just as they shouldn’t ask you to spend more money than you want to, you shouldn’t ask them to spend on a lunch they won’t like.

Possible compromises - alternate who chooses as a pp says? Or change the timing of the visit so they have their lunch and then come after? Or eat at your house?

I am glad that you agree with me. I think that it is excessive, but we live in a bigger house than our in laws and they think we are tight. They choose to spend money on expensive meals and travelling - we are saving for DC’s university and to replace our campervan at some point in the future.
I shall put my foot down next time - I’m happy with some fish and chips on the beach or a picnic. BIL has the most money out of all of us, and always orders steak!

The amount you are spending on the meals is nearly 3 weeks' average take home pay.

but we live in a bigger house than our in laws and they think we are tight. Let them think it. Not sure what the size of your house has to do with it.

I'd happily say "that is not in our budget for meals out" as pps have suggested, but then I'd also quite happily say "I'm not keen on there. Let's try X instead" when they say they don't want to you reply with "Well I don't want to go to Y, but we have been several times and £150 - £200 is a lot to be spending on something I'm not really enjoying. We can take turns to choose, or take turns to host or just see each other less often". You don't need to make money the focus if that makes you feel awkward.

If the bill comes to £300 for 7 people and 4 of those are from OPs then they aren’t really covering BILs meal if they split the bill with the in laws. They are covering their son’s part.

There was a recent thread about how attitudes to money change when you were brought up in poverty and now have money.

An expensive meal out is fine for a special occasion but not just because they visit monthly. I would offer to host and cook.
There's a line between frugality and meanness and I don't think you cross it OP.
I grew up poor but am comfortable now, lifelong habits of being careful are hard to shed and I do have some mixed attitudes. I will happily pay for a five star hotel but I drive an old car. At a birthday meal for adult DC I want them to order what they like and I will pay but I would never dream of buying coffee to take away.

Of course it's relevant - the inlaws clearly assume OP and her DP have enough money to spend on nice meals, thus their comments that they are 'tight.' If they lived in a tiny two bed terraced with the kids sharing a bedroom they'd be more likely to accept they can't afford it or, at least understand the meal represents a significant part of their disposable income and be more likely to get why they don't want to spend it.

I agree OP, fair enough to go to a nice place once or two e.g. for mother's day or DFIL bday or whatever but the rest of the time I'd say no. Particularly if paying for tight arse BIL ordering steak as well, fuck that!

I'm currently resenting paying out for sister's wedding - which will be well over a grand once abroad hen, home hen (both of which are my idea of hell) staying at the venue night before and night of, and all the rest is paid out. I can afford it but none of it is stuff I'd actually want to spend money on, in fact usually I'd pay out to avoid having to go....

Usually I'm the first to agree with 'it's an invite not a summons,' but when it comes to sister rather than friends its not worth the long term family aggro to avoid it. Unfortunately I have several sisters 😬

@Coconutter24 yes, we split it 50/50. However, my MIL and BIL both drink (FIL is usually driving), and they all have 3 courses. We have 2 DCs who both eat from the children’s menu, and none of us drink alcohol at lunchtime. I would say that we usually contribute more than our fair share.

Well.. I can afford a brand new Land Rover Defender. But the reason I have the money in the first place is because I don’t buy Defenders.

I buy the cheapie Discovery Sports instead.

I’m not saying you don’t contribute your fair share. Does your DH enjoy the meals with his parents?

Ask them whose paying while the conversation is still going on. Then suggest something cheaper.

I had a friend who would plead poverty and the whole group subbed her so she didn't miss out.

She messed up on one day absent minded and the gravy chain stopped.

People are quite happy spending other people's coin while they save theirs.

I’d just approach it by saying eating out isn’t really good family time and you’re finding it boring. Suggest places to go that you would spend money on. We often meet up at a museum exhibit or some historic castle or an aquarium or do an activity as a family like a water or amusement park, paintballing, or horseback riding or even white water rafting. There’s always an option for those who don’t want to do the more extreme things. We all go have fun and eat at the venue/or nearby or pack a picnic to take with us.

I too would groan at yet another boring interminable lunch …but meeting up for archery lessons followed by canoeing and a riverside picnic…yes please I’ll spend money on that.

I would stop that at least. Just ask for separate bills when ordering.

I'd say "that's a bit more than I'm comfortable spending on a regular meal out. Could we either go to cheaper places, or keep it to special occasions and cook at home the other times we meet"

5 adults and 2 kids; £400 lunch, that’s excessive, nobody needs a 3 course lunch.

We are similar, no mortgage or debt, higher tax bracket jobs etc - we go out for meals every couple of months with my mum and his dad. We can afford to pay and so we do but my mum never offers to pay for a drink or offers any contribution , never says thank you and doesn't actually bring any means to pay. So she gets picked up, fed and watered, dropped off at home, or when she drives she comes in eats and leaves with never a single enquiry about the bill. It irritates my husband so much now (the thank you not the not paying) that we have started having more meals at home. His dad often offers to pay. So can we afford it - yep, have we stopped doing it as much - also yes. I don't want fawning gratitude but never to say anything, what is that about. And no I haven't ever said anything, we don't have that kind of relationship.

Great! I am delighted that the vast majority of you agree with me. I am putting a stop to these lunches - I am going to book a pleasant, but reasonably priced (unlicensed!) cafe, with a lovely view for their next visit. Thank you for reassuring me that I am not being tight. DH would rather not spend the money on lunch, but was brought up to see this as normal, so is torn.

You seem to be describing the economic principle of opportunity cost.
Time ,money and resources are limited and every decision involves a trade off.
Its really personal as to wether the expenditure is worth it to you.
In the situation you describe you seem to be saying its not.
So,the question is why you go along with it.
Your IL the expenditure is worth it,you dont so,suggest you say you dont think it good value for money and suggest something you think is?

I'm currently resenting paying out for sister's wedding - which will be well over a grand once abroad hen, home hen (both of which are my idea of hell) staying at the venue night before and night of, and all the rest is paid out. I can afford it but none of it is stuff I'd actually want to spend money on, in fact usually I'd pay out to avoid having to go....

So don't go.
I'd have no qualms about saying to someone I am close to - "Sorry, that's not for me. Count me out. Hope you have a lovely time and we'll see you at the wedding". Far better to be honest from the start than go and resent it.

It’s outrageous that 2 non drinking adults and 2dc on children’s menu are paying the same as three adults, two of who are drinking.

The other option, a compromise if you like, is to say that you’ll pay your own and let them pay theirs. It will be much less and you’ll have more control over it.

‘That’s more than I want to pay for dinner, and Brother in law clearly agrees as he doesn’t pay!’

Excellent plan OP!

Yes, and if you’re no longer subsiding the more expensive options your ILs might start to think differently too.

Sounds good OP.

Honestly you’re a better person than me because I’d have not engaged in that tomfoolery more than twice. Once because it may have been a one off misunderstanding or something, but twice would be enough to show a pattern. your BIL is thoroughly taking the piss, your in laws generally are bullheaded and frankly selfish and you want to spend the money elsewhere, I’m very glad you’re putting stop to this absolute nonsense op!