The difference between ‘can’t afford’ and ‘would rather not spend my money on’ something

[Thingsthatgo]

I’ve been pondering this recently. As a family we are careful with money. We earn a bit above average and we save around £1k per month. I shop on Vinted, our furniture is all preloved and we take inexpensive holidays (mostly camping).
Regularly I am obliged to spend money on things I don’t enjoy, and wouldn’t choose myself, but that’s just life. I am just pondering how much other people do this, and whether it bothers them.
One example is family days out. My in-laws visit once a month, and will often suggest we book somewhere nice for lunch as a treat. We split the cost, but it usually costs us £150-200. (man-child BIL doesn’t ever contribute, but that’s another story). As a family of four we would only ever do this as a celebration, not as a monthly thing. I don’t enjoy them, and I feel a bit resentful, I guess.
I often suggest cheaper options, but they get rejected.
The problem is, although I would much rather use the money for other things, we can afford it. So should I just suck it up?

I would just say I can't afford it in them situations. Much easier than saying I would rather keep the money for savings as having a good safety net is really important to us. Someone would need to be a CF to ask for further explanation or pick apart your income and say you can afford it. If they are that type, just a simple 'no, thanks' would do. Any further questions, "I don't want to".

But they can afford it so she should be honest and say she doesn't want to spend the money.

How much are you paying compared to how much is your meal costing?

I wouldn’t be subsidising booze or brother in laws who were too right to pay.

Eating somewhere other than expensive restaurants your in laws like is of course an option.

Given what you have said, it is outrageous that the bill is split 50/50. Why doesn’t your BIL pay anything?
Good on you for saving for your children’s university costs.

Next time you go, take a calculator, some paper and a variety of £ notes and loose change. Tot up exactly what your meals cost for just the 4 of you, and ask the waiting staff to split the bill. Pay exactly your share to the penny, and add £5 for a tip. Then sit back and watch the rest of them squirm as they realise they have to pay for their own three courses, alcohol and all.

See I’d rather spend £500 on a hen do in Ibiza than these meals! The older I get the less I like other people dictating how I spend my money and what I value.

To keep the peace, can you go to places with a set menu/price? Eat before and just have a drink so there’s no way they can suggest splitting it? I’m not one for nitpicking but you’re subsidising them quite a lot if they’re having alcohol and three courses to your one course and soft drink.

I'd just say no (and often do!). I'm not a pushover and won't be coerced/bullied into anything that costs me money if I don't derive pleasure from it. I very quickly vetoed expensive meals/attractions/events etc with DH's side when we got married and I'd already vetoed them from my own family pretty quickly once I became an adult. I've always preferred to do my own thing, choose my own events, etc and if that means doing something on my own, then fair enough.

I've done loads of things with family, friends, DH's family etc., "once" but there's not a repeat unless I actually want to do it and enjoy it. Such as going ice skating with my sister and future brother in law - did it 3 times, but very expensive for a short period of time, and I didn't really enjoy it, plus travel costs and a fast food meal afterwards - "pleasure against money" equation didn't work out for me, so never did it again. Likewise going bowling with (my now) DH and his brother and SIL - did it once, again a lot of cost inc travel, meal and entry free for an hour of entertainment.

I absolutely detest the "emotional blackmail" aspect of having to do something you don't want to do because it's "expected" of you by family or friends, etc., and I always push back against it.

There's almost always something else to do with family/friends that's cheaper or more convenient etc that is just as good for socialising, so I try to keep ideas in my mind as to what we can do where you get more bang for your buck.

This is where DS and his friends have it right. It seems to be the "Norm" (so he tells us) that youngsters these days tend to pay for themselves rather than share bills. Online/app ordering is a Godsend for him, as when they go out for a meal, they all order their own food from the app separately, pay upfront on the app, so there's no embarrassment about them trying to order similar amounts or deal with the position where some have spent more than others. (It is perhaps more worrying that their "go to" place to eat wherever they are is googling for the nearest Weatherspoons or Mc Donalds or similar places with app ordering).

Same in the pub too, which I find surprising, in that they buy their own drinks and flash their contactless card to pay, so they don't actually buy "rounds" and again, don't have to think about who's drinks are more expensive than others, the pressure to have 4 drinks in the evening if there's 4 of you as you don't all have to buy a "round" for the other three - he'll often only have a couple of drinks in an evening whilst his friends have knocked back several!

Yep! We had friends who said ‘it’s alright for you, we can’t afford to go abroad this year!’

They were right, we were very privileged to go aboard. But my car is a 15 year old car which never was a loan, and I don’t buy champagne every time I go to the pub. Whereas they had just got a brand new merc on finance and a bottle of moet for a bank holiday weekend. Also, our aboard holidays tend to be very different from each others.

Neither lifestyle is wrong, and neither choice. But they chose to spend their money on one thing, and us another thing! It’s not an afford thing!

I always say we cannot afford that it’s beyond our budget. I think people think I’m being tight but it’s actually completely true.

In your example I'd say I don't want to spend that much, rather than I can't afford it.

Are you covering the cost of manchild BIL too?

Why is BIL let off paying ?

I don’t really understand how you let your suggestions be repeatedly rejected-this is on you really.

MIL-let’s go to expensive place for lunch-BIL won’t pay for himself though.
You-no, I don’t blame him. Let’s go to X instead.
MIL-no, we will go anyway.
You-no we won’t be joining you.

It might be slightly awkward once, but you are spending hundreds regularly on something you don’t enjoy, surely it’s better to feel slightly awkward once for a few minutes than that.

You sound boring, but that aside, why on earth is a meal costing that much? Suggest the cheaper option and if they say no, don’t go? You control your own life.

Moving forward, if it's something that you really have to do with family, put it to them that you only pay for what your family eat and drink, easy to add up. Also, when it comes to it, take the initiative and tell them you've booked something different (and cheaper) for a change.

"Really sorry but our budget doesn't cover this at the moment. Happy for each family to pack their own picnic and spend the day in the park/at the beach"
I absolutely wouldn't spend this on a meal out monthly even though I could afford to.

You need to be assertive. If they reject the offer you have made tell them to go for lunch and meet you afterwards.

When I say I can’t afford something that doesn’t mean I have no money, it means it’s not a priority for me or how I want to spend the money I do have.
E.g I love Christmas and put money aside for it each month so I have a big pot of spending money come December. If a friend asked me to do book a spa weekend I’d say no, I don’t have the money - I could easily not put money in my Christmas pot to fund it, but it’s just not what I want to do!

How does she sound "boring"? She clearly isn't enjoying these meals and is rightly annoyed that her alternative suggestions are overruled by people wanting to spend her and DH's money for them.

He must be earning reasonably very well if you don’t earn, and you can save a couple of grand a month. That’s a lot!

I would just refuse to go. Suggest to do what you want to do and if they don’t come then they are just different, not your fault and you don’t have to bend anymore.

Or maybe visit an attraction close to the inlaws, not sure how close they are, then eat at the in laws. Would be fun to see what sort of spread the people with expenpensive tastes can provide!

This is obviously why they suggest the meal every month; you are subsidising them, every single time, especially with the BIL not paying? Wherever you eat out in the future, ask for a separate drinks bill and whoever has the alcohol, pays for it. That's only fair when you don't drink. And they can call you tight all they like. Its their way of guilt tripping you. It's not on.

I would just tell them you can’t afford it, and don’t elaborate. Your finances are no-ones business but your own.

Sounds like you already figured out what to do but if you are paying, you get an equal vote. And not just sometimes - all the time. You get to make all the decisions about how to spend your money and saving it is as legitimate as clothes or food or whatever else. Obviously your husband gets a say too so you could compromise on a couple times a year if he enjoys it - or even send him on his own for fancier meals now and again.

No chance I’d be subsidising a lazy BIL though!

Well done and this sounds lovely!