The difference between ‘can’t afford’ and ‘would rather not spend my money on’ something

[Thingsthatgo]

I’ve been pondering this recently. As a family we are careful with money. We earn a bit above average and we save around £1k per month. I shop on Vinted, our furniture is all preloved and we take inexpensive holidays (mostly camping).
Regularly I am obliged to spend money on things I don’t enjoy, and wouldn’t choose myself, but that’s just life. I am just pondering how much other people do this, and whether it bothers them.
One example is family days out. My in-laws visit once a month, and will often suggest we book somewhere nice for lunch as a treat. We split the cost, but it usually costs us £150-200. (man-child BIL doesn’t ever contribute, but that’s another story). As a family of four we would only ever do this as a celebration, not as a monthly thing. I don’t enjoy them, and I feel a bit resentful, I guess.
I often suggest cheaper options, but they get rejected.
The problem is, although I would much rather use the money for other things, we can afford it. So should I just suck it up?

I often suggest cheaper options, but they get rejected.

Perhaps you can be more assertive about the venue. Both sides should get an equal say. "Let's try somewhere different this time."

How about 'that's more expensive than we budget for meals out'

I would stop going. Your dh can go by himself. I’d say ‘we can’t afford it’.

I wouldn’t spend that monthly on a meal I don’t enjoy. I would offer to cook on occasion, suggest coffee out and a meal once or twice a year

It baffles me that not everyone works like this. I may have £501 in my bank account but that doesn't mean I'm obliged to spend £500 of it on a hen party trip to Ibiza. Just no. It doesn't pass the "value to me" test. It's a fundamental thing to teach our children too.

I think with family there is probably some compromise to be had where you suck it up occasionally and do a nice brunch at home instead the rest of the time, or go out for ice cream rather than full meals. With friends I think we end up gravitating to people who either want to similar things or are more than happy to cut cut their cloth to whatever is comfortable for you.

If you don't say you're unhappy with the venue they won't know. Just say you have a budget and would prefer somewhere cheaper. No shame in it.

You need to speak up here. Tell your DH it’s a bad use of family money and you don’t want to entertain it any more. He can tell them or go alone.
The longer it goes on, the more you’ll seethe about it.
And yes, having the money there doesn’t mean it’s the best idea to spend it on frivolous things.
Life is getting more and more expensive.

@Thingsthatgo , you are spending something like £2100 per annum on something you don't enjoy. How many days' work is that for you?

I'm trying to teach DD (7) the difference between "can't afford it" and "don't want to spend money that I DO have on it". It's such an important lesson when it comes to managing money throughout life. DH earns reasonably well, I'm a SAHM and we save a couple of grand a month. We like to spend on experiences but have no interest in expensive cars or clothes, so we spend where we want to and save where the spending wouldn't benefit us. Days out at holidays are one of the things we do spend on, so I'd have no issue with your family, but mil is CONSTANTLY badgering us about our 20 year old TV (it works fine) and dh's car which has 150k miles on it (also works fine). I can't figure out if it's because she thinks her son "deserves" better or she's worried people might think we're poor. But I'm really firm with her about it. No is a complete sentence. I don't go into details about finances but "that's not in our budget" is a phrase I use frequently. I'd just explain you're not willing to spend so much and if they want to spend time together as a family x, y and z are all options you'd be happy with.

Why do you keep on going?

Can’t you suggest every second month you have a meal at home? Do a nice roast?

YY, that's outside our budget is a useful phrase.
It doesn't claim you don't have the money in the bank, but it makes clear that spending that amount on that thing is not something you can afford to do with all the other claims on your finances.

Plenty of things I can afford, but won’t spend money on as I see it as a waste. Mind you, I draw the line at camping

How about 'that's more expensive than we budget for meals out'
Or how about "that's more expensive than we budget for meals out, but if you want to treat us then we won't object"
They don't get to tell you how you spend your money!

We are similar to you, OP, minus the monthly meals. There is no way I would do this. Over a year that could get you a lot.

I would get DH on side first and then put your foot down. Summer is great for picnics, everyone brings. Or you host them, BBQ or meal in winter. Or meet up in the afternoon between meals. Just say you like to meet up but it's too much compared to your budget on other things. Maybe for FIL and MIL, father's day and mother's day, which is also celebrating you guys so you wouldn't want to be cooking/ hosting. But apart from that just say no to all the extra ones.

What about your DH? Is he happy to spend that money on dinner with his parents?

Once a month seems too often to be spending that much when you don’t want to and don’t enjoy it. Would take it up with DH.

Rather than saying we can’t afford it (which would be a lie) I say “that’s not in the budget fit this month”. Like you, we try to save £1k a month but when dd goes to uni it’ll absorb most of that so I’ve had to get stricter.

How on earth is your part coming to £150/200? Are you coveting part of BILs food too as in the bill just split down the middle? Thats the first thing I’d stop. I’d then be saying that £150+ is too much for me to pay for a random lunch out - offer to book somewhere cheaper or host them at home.

Just because you have the money available doesn’t mean you need to spend it on things you don’t want to.

I loathe people who presume to spend other people’s money. It used to annoy me so much when we got dragged into eating out with dh’s family that we couldn’t really afford. They’re weird about money and he was keeping up appearances in the early days when we were broke.

I enjoy cooking and hosting and I’m good at it. I remember people’s preferences, and happily accommodate every medical, allergy and quirk without a fuss. Dh is much more comfortable now at asserting his preferences to entertain at home, but gets tripped up by the insistence that we should give Jill a break.

It’s not even that they rarely eat out, and it’s a treat.

Maybe BIL is the only one acting sensibly here!

If he's thinking "Well, I wouldn't ever choose that myself - but if they're insisting on it and somebody else is paying for it, woo-hoo!"

Im all for saving and being sensible and putting money away for a rainy day.

But it sounds like you are sucking the joy out of your life @Thingsthatgo. Saving 1k a month whilst buying everything 2nd hand and going camping...you need to realise that life is short and being overly frugal sometimes does more harm than good.

It's not that people don't think that way, I'm pretty sure everyone has things they choose not to spend on when they could afford to, it's that they have different views to you on what to spend it on and assume you feel similarly. A lot of people like eating out, it is easy, sociable and fun and judging from the amount of packed cafes and restaurants around here at lunchtimes something a lot of people do often. I think maybe say something like we are trying to save a bit more at the moment and suggesting breakfast out or coffee and cake instead would be reasonable.

I am also like this but we do end up depriving ourselves possibly unnecessarily. Take the 20 year old TV and ancient car example, till recently we had a 20 year old TV and car with 200k miles on the clock. We have changed both now and are very much why on earth didn't we do that sooner, they are far better. But if someone was pestering me to change them I'd dig in.

The issue you have isn't BIL. Nor is it the in-laws. The issue uou have is with yourself.

Indeed!! I’m with him!

Im happy to spend any amount of money on something I think is worth it, but if I don’t I’m not afraid to say yes, I can afford that, but I’d rather spend that money on something I will enjoy and get more value out of.