The difference between ‘can’t afford’ and ‘would rather not spend my money on’ something

[Thingsthatgo]

I’ve been pondering this recently. As a family we are careful with money. We earn a bit above average and we save around £1k per month. I shop on Vinted, our furniture is all preloved and we take inexpensive holidays (mostly camping).
Regularly I am obliged to spend money on things I don’t enjoy, and wouldn’t choose myself, but that’s just life. I am just pondering how much other people do this, and whether it bothers them.
One example is family days out. My in-laws visit once a month, and will often suggest we book somewhere nice for lunch as a treat. We split the cost, but it usually costs us £150-200. (man-child BIL doesn’t ever contribute, but that’s another story). As a family of four we would only ever do this as a celebration, not as a monthly thing. I don’t enjoy them, and I feel a bit resentful, I guess.
I often suggest cheaper options, but they get rejected.
The problem is, although I would much rather use the money for other things, we can afford it. So should I just suck it up?

Will you update us on their reaction? It will be very interesting!

Ikr - I am invested now and would love to know how these CFs respond to OP taking charge and not suffering their nonsense any longer.

I want to hear about this stingy brother in law. Spill, please...

Why didn’t it surprise me when you said your BIL always orders the steak - he’s a chancer and entitled. Why on earth has he gotten away without contributing for so long. Is he the ‘baby’ of the family? I’m with you, I would quit this now. There’s nothing that annoys me more than when someone doesn’t pay their way, especially when they clearly have money! Let us know how you get on!

Well if I don’t rant to pay for something I just say I can’t afford it. Stops all the questioning. Although son was rather baffled when I said we can’t afford the cinema but then brought us takeaway (I didn’t want to spend £££ on the snacks he would want and the takeaway would have ended up cheaper).

One of the firm dresses I saw was this one from Rixo https://rixolondon.com/products/ordinia-dress-jessica-bouquet-mix-blue
but at that price and to find shoes, bag etc. I think it is just a bit much but I do love the design.

sorry, wrong thread!!

I relate so much OP! When we have a family meal which to be fair isn't very often, my sisters pick the most expensive place. Then an expensive wine, one sister in particular is very extravagant and has zero savings because she spends as she earns. Much as I enjoy the indulgence I don't get the value out of it. Any comments on the cost are dismissed like I'm being stingy. Like if I say 'gosh the cocktails are pricey here!', they will say something like 'didn't you just come back from a ski holiday, surely you can stretch to this' or 'sure you have plenty money, what are you on about'. Once, I tried to explain that I felt a venue was too expensive and couldn't justify it and I got a message from DSis asking me if everything was OK, was dh's business in some sort of trouble. They simply don't get it. I now just roll with it, it's only a few times a year. I'm very careful not to mention the price of anything and if I see something too expensive if we are shopping or whatever I'll just pretend I don't like it.

I had exactly the same issue with my in-laws and my partner was too proud to let them pay the bill so we ended up alternating for a while which cost us a bomb. We have 3 kids so paying for so many people it’s already a lot. So now we let them either get the bill (which they are more than happy to cover) or we invite them to our place and cook or cheaper days like pizza places or picnics.

Would a compromise be your family chooses the venue one month and PIL choose the next. Why doesn’t your BIL contribute?

We all make decisions about how to spend our money and some are in a very fortunate position of deciding how much to save. At this point in our lives, we can afford designer items but you are more likely to find me on the high street, and stocking up on the BOGOF deals in the supermarket. One of our cars is 8 years old and the other 4 years (admittedly DH also has a top of the range BMW motorbike worth more than my car!).

If a family member persisted in inviting me to spend my money on something I didn't want to spend it on, I'd be digging my heels in.

I agree with @Allogythat it has to pass the value test . If you don’t enjoy it and don’t want it then you should not be pressured into spending your money on things you don’t enjoy .
some things i will absolutely spend money on but if it doesn’t bring me joy I'm not interested.
I love to buy beautiful plants for my garden and expensive bedding but buy cheaper holiday clothes that only go in a suitcase once or twice a year. I buy expensive boots because I love them but cheaper trainers as i only wear them occasionally .
it’s definitely down to what you value in life and want to spend money on .

Whatever the choice, at the very least it should be agreed that everyone pays for themselves. If that means the PILs pay for BIL that’s up to them.

Another option is to suggest a pot luck- each adult including you and OH prepare a dish to be shared. Eat buffet style- you could even do an “indoor picnic” for the kids to make it fun.

Make it clear this includes brother in law! How he is allowed to get away with this is really weird!

Why doesn’t BIL pay? How does he get away with it!?

I don't go for the emotional blackmail either - I'd just say "why is my view less important that the inlaws' and why is it ok to upset me but not them".

We used to have a meal out with MIL but she paid, so that was fine! I didn't like the restaurant we went to, but it wasn't awful - just somewhere she liked, but we thought was style over substance.

We go out with my mum but she's happy to go for fish and chips so it's about £15-20 max a head for the meal and a drink. In fact I am the cheeky one as I always order a side salad too!

OP if they call you tight just say "not tight, just prioritising spending money where I want to, not where other people think I should". I agree with the pp who said camping is a step too far though. B&Bs and hotels with bathrooms are really nice!

My in-laws visit once a month, and will often suggest we book somewhere nice for lunch as a treat ... As a family of four we would only ever do this as a celebration, not as a monthly thing
Quite apart from the financial side of things, the PIL are also spoiling the concept of treats and celebrations. If they have reduced an expensive lunch to run-of-the-mill, how do you ramp things up (within your little unit) to make an actual event something special!?

(Why they think their presence is such a special occasion is a whole other thread ...)

I'll tell you what's been quite sad for me lately... There's been a couple of meet ups for a few beers recently. One between Xmas and New Year with a couple of workmates, and another in April there for a few beers for a guy's retirement. Both were in Glasgow city centre, and I had to literally save up for them. How pathetic is that for a married man of 59 in this day and age? I wasn't able to take money out of the bank there and then for them, I had to use a wee money App to salt a few quid away weekly so I had enough. That's how tight things are for a lot of folk out there these days.

Seems to me that he's got it right. He's probably said he doesn't want to go and the in-laws have said they'll pay for him if he does go. The OP's DH needs to do the same.

@Thingsthatgo - "... One example is family days out. My in-laws visit once a month, and will often suggest we book somewhere nice for lunch as a treat. We split the cost, but it usually costs us £150-200. (man-child BIL doesn’t ever contribute, but that’s another story)..."

A "treat" for who? Your BiL? 😄

So another request for more info about BIL and how he escapes the bill.

I think the OP is making a good plan having the next family trip to somewhere in the fresh air - I am thinking about the poor kids stuck in some restaurant with kids meals watching grown ups drink more than is good for them. There are so many other interesting things they could be doing. FFS for only a little more they could all go to watch a show.

So OP I would be including the kids in your "it is outside our budget" comments. Something like "the kids need to be doing something more interesting than sitting in a restaurant with a word search and some tiny colouring pencils every time we go out".

Let us know the outcome please.

OP, your post demonstrates the difference in people's spending habits and perceptions of what is right.
You are saving a grand a month which is huge and begrudge spending money on a family meal out with inlaws.
Neither party is wrong, it just demonstrates differing priorities.
As someone who has lived in poverty previously (I never stop being grateful that those days are over), I love having family meals that I can afford to pay for. And I have never and will never be able to save a grand a month.
Your situation is clearly causing you resentment so needs to be addressed.

I'm sure others have already suggested this (i haven't read all the thread) but if you can't get out of this you tell the waiter when you order that you want the bill split so that you only pay for what you, your DH and your two DC eat.

Make it clear that only your in-laws will be paying for what they and your biL eat and drink

I think you need to be firmer and say no.

But think about what the alternative is going to be and are you ok with that…..so you and dh making lunch for everyone. Plus the cost of buying food for 7 people? Will still hopefully be less than lunch out.

or you make a picnic and go to some outdoor space where the kids can run around/everyone can have a walk. Would people be up for that?

Yes, that’s been suggested several times but the OP hasn’t commented on the idea.