Dh gets judged constantly for not taking time off in school holidays

[Mydogsmellsofwee]

His parents do this all the time, despite knowing our circumstances and so do some of our friends.

It’s half term next week and two of the families we are closest to are lucky enough that the dads are self employed trades people and so don’t tend to book work in school holidays. Me and the children are doing a couple of things next week with the familes and once again, it’s all “oh is your dh not coming? Doesn’t he take time off work?”

Every bloody school holiday we get this. And from PIL.

One of our DDs goes to a selective school 45 mins away. The school bus service is eye wateringly expensive and the routes are long - she would be on the bus 90mins each way. We don’t live in the nicest place so I don’t want her getting public transport and there is no direct route anyway, it would still be a PITA. It makes more sense for dh to drive her (I can no longer drive due to a medical condition).

His work is fairly flexible, he works from home 4 days a week and can make up time.

But school holidays, with no school run is where he can go into the office everyday and really plough through and be at his desk 9-5 (or 6) with no distractions.

He does take off a couple of weeks in the summer holidays, but it makes far more sense to take the rest of his time off in term time so it’s less of a rush with school runs and we often get a long weekend away as he takes off school inset days.

It works for us, but my god, even when people know this, and I explain again and again, I get the faux shock, or even people asking why he doesn’t want to be off when the children are. It makes him sound like a bit of a prick who is avoiding his children, but he’s literally worked his entire working life around getting dd to and from this amazing school which she worked so hard to get in to and loves.

And even if he did take all the holidays off, he gets 6 weeks holiday, not 13, so he wouldn’t be around for all of them anyway.

This thread is eye opening. To be fair we live in a working class Northern town, where most people are employees. Generally not business owners or employers. No grammar schools!

In our primary school, it’s good going if one parent is off during the school holidays. A lot of kids will be going to grandparents, friends or holiday clubs. 2 parents being off is not common at all, I think it would actually attract more comments re: what the special occasion was! Most working parents overlap a week or two in summer and Xmas but other than that it’s divide and conquer…

I think you should tell yourself that your set up is actually far more common @Mydogsmellsofwee and shut down your in-laws!

Maybe you need to look at the Private. School Bus Service again. Which you say is very expensive.

Could you not re budget to include this cost..Sounds a good option to me.

Why, when their situation is working for them currently? The OP hasn’t said that she’s got an issue with their current arrangements, it’s other people who have an issue with it.

The bus route is 90 mins long. I explained up thread that the stops are dictated by how many people sign up.

The closest stop available now is a 20 min walk away from us. It would be a very long day for DD, and it would mean she had to give up the clubs she enjoys as she wouldn’t get back in time and would be too tired.

DH DOES NOT MIND DRIVING HER, HE LIKES SPENDING THE TIME WITH HER.

He’s negotiated his work around it and he would rather drive her than have her spend 3 hours a day on the school bus.

Even if she got the bus, it would still not mean that he would be able to take the whole 5 weeks holiday he has in the school holidays, as he manages a team of 30, many who are also parents a and would like some of the holidays off too. He manages to take 2 weeks in the summer holidays and the October half term, which is pretty good going for a working parent.

I get it the other way round. People assume I am off every holiday as I have kids and am a woman. The fact is that’s impossible as I don’t have enough annual leave to cover all school holidays. My own parents who know I work (and am not a teacher) are horrified every holiday!

Who cares what other people think, if it works for your family then that's great!
Me and DH work in retail, school holidays are our busiest times so we very, very rarely get time off during the holidays and he pretty much never gets a weekend off. It's annoying not being able to go on more than a few days holiday all together while our children are school age, but we do plenty of days out and park trips etc. We also have the advantage of being able to do shift work so we can go to things at school during the day and work the evening or change days.
There's pros and cons to everything. What's the point in having your DH at home for the holidays if he is going to be stressed thinking about all he is going to have to catch up on?

Check your privilege. There are plenty areas a teen would not feel/be safe.

Yeah, I’m not going to apologise for being protective of my daughter.

My eldest was a police officer for three years in the city her school is in. He was very relieved when I said I had no intention of her getting public transport to school, he’s seen far too much.

If other parents feel safe with that, they can go ahead. But we don’t and if dh has the ability to drive her, it’s not an issue.

(And also, as I keep saying, even if she could teleport to school, it wouldn’t mean that dh could take all his holiday in the school holidays, not many parents can).

Explain loudly he’s leave is used up on inset and summer holidays, and that’s all he gets. Don’t explain again.

It sounds like you w got a great system that works for you and your family OP. I completely understand why your DH sorts his holidays in the way he does so he can facilitate the school journeys in term time. I expect she will look back on those journeys as such a special time with her dad.

Anyway, I’m not really sure why your friends and family have such an issue understanding or accepting that! If it were me I’d probably cultivate my puzzled face once they started that nonsense. Wrinkle up my nose and frown a bit and then say slowly ‘Erm well he’s working of course?’ and frown a bit more as though genuinely perplexed at why they’re asking. Once people start to feel daft for asking they are likely to stop!

Also to add that DH had a very generous six weeks holiday for much of his working life but as the DC (and I - teacher) had 13 weeks, he was never going to be available for the majority of the school holidays. And most of the other dads were the same. It seems bonkers to me that people are surprised he’s working….are they aware of life in the real world??

You don’t have to justify your situation to these people. They are extremely rude to comment. You can just say “He would like to but he has to go to the office. Yes it is a shame but we always have a good time.” then ask them what they are planning for the week. If they push the point just repeat the above ad nauseum.

You and your husband sound like absalutely amazing parents, you just need to tell the PILs your child wants for nothing and end of discussion.

The minute one of them starts going on about the same subject again, firmly repeat

" END OF DISCUSSION"

Its like dog training school, eventually they will get the message.

I think you have a very skewed view of what is 'normal'! My ex husband was a self employed tradesman and never took school holidays. As a self employed person he didnt get paid holidays so he worked when he was busy/in demand and had time off when it was quieter whenever that was. This is the same for most tradesmen that I know. Also time off for working parents in the school holidays is at a premium, most people have 6-8 weeks holiday, not 13 so mum and dad have to cover half the holidays each with only the odd day or 2 off in the year all together. My daughter is a nurse, all her colleagues have school age children too so they are actually only allowed to book so many days off in the holidays to make sure they have enough cover and its fair for them all. I think your vision of mum and dad off together and family days out through the holidays is a bit of a rose coloured vision of reality!

Many people who work can't take time off for the majority of half terms. DH and I both work for a university so May 1/2 term is a no go and so is October. The summer is better, but there are still post examination meetings that made taking advantage of finishing early after GCSEs and A Levels impossible. Plus it's our career so we can't just drop everything for a school 1/2 term. I don't remember my parents or my fellow parents in school failing to understand this

You both sound supporting of each other and that of your families needs and do exactly what needs to be done for your little unit. It sounds like together you’ve built a well-oiled machine. So you do really just need to ignore the ignorant people around you and if they do bring it up, just say ‘we do what works best for us’ and leave it there. Stop over explaining.

This would frustrate me too. I’d just reply (in an impatient tone) “no he only gets 20 annual leave days a year, we’d prefer to use them for actually holidays and exciting events, not just to muck around at home” eventually they’ll get the message

You sound ghastly. I don’t imagine anyone cares for your opinion

You do what works for your family and most working families can’t cover all 13/14w of school holidays as have 4w holiday

it is a lot of driving. Is there a way even 2/3 days that dh can work near school in a coffee shop /quiet pub/work station so only does 2 drives

thus saving time and petrol

living in a shitty area would worry me with young kids but I get why you don’t want to move nearer school and less house for more money

but to not be able to walk streets /get a bus safely would concern me

It’s a big town. Lots of people live here and get the bus etc. It’s not the Wild West. But it’s different from what I am used to. We went through something pretty traumatic 6 years ago and we had no choice but to move here as it was cheap (far, far cheaper than where I from!) and we could afford it on one wage comfortably. Plus I needed dh family, I was very unwell.

I walk about with the dog all the time but in the last few years, there have been groups of men hanging about all day, and they do make comments to women and sometimes follow younger women. Same on the busses, you do get a lot of trouble, especially as you get towards the city that DDs school is in.

I tell them to get to fuck. But I don’t want my young daughter to experience that.

Dh has almost constant video calls/meetings that are confidential in nature. He wouldn’t be able to do that in a public space,
unfortunately.

We still have a tiny, tiny second car that we had when we lived in a big city. Dh uses that as it costs very little to run.

Are you for real? Most self-employed people constantly juggle work and childcare and generally take much less holiday than employed staff. It sounds like you’ve made a rod for your own back by living so far away from your daughters school and lumping your DH with the driving because you can’t do it.

If it bothers you that people ask, just tell them your reasons and then move the conversation along - it’s not hard.

Her DH is happy to do the driving, how is he being ‘lumped’? Neither of them are unhappy about the situation, or complaining about it, so not sure what the ‘are you for real?’ is about. The thread is about other people judging him for it.

It’s not a rod, dh doesn’t mind. And I didn’t lumber him with it, it was a joint decision. He’s happy to do it for her to go to that school.

I am intrigued what your back up plan is though. What would you do if your DH got the flu so couldn’t leave bed? Or broke his leg so couldn’t drive? Or even with a car break down.

it sounds like a plan that works ok when all the pieces fit but could very easily end up going very wrong if one piece of the jigsaw slips slightly.

I agree with this. Most, if not all of the self employed tradesmen I know, work 6 days a week, and certainly don’t not work when it’s half term. That would be unheard of.

Not doubting you, OP, I just think it’s very unusual.