Was I rude for dismissing a stranger who interrupted me on the platform?

[KookyLemonReader]

About a year ago I started a new job in finance in the City which has been very intense. The previous week I have been working very intensely to meet an end of week deadline. I am contractually required to be in the office at least one day a week so on Thurs I dragged myself out to the office. In the early afternoon I was at the local tube station platform waiting for the train and on my laptop deep in work mode when I noticed someone trying to get my attention in my peripheral vision. I turned away from my laptop removed my headphones and listened to the man. He was asking me where my handbag is from. I was very irritated that he interrupted me with this when I was clearly deep in concentration and replied in a cold way ‘I am working’ and went back to my business. A few seconds later I felt bad (also this man was an ethnic minority and I’m a white woman so I worried about that) turned back to him and said I’m sorry I was a bit rude what did you ask. He again asked where my bag is from. I told him the brand (vintage Italian designer). He made some random comment like oh I can’t buy that here I guess. I didn’t engage. Went back to my work. My concentration was lost and I was very annoyed by the whole exchange but also questioning myself. Was I awful or is it fair that he should not have interrupted a clearly full of focus person with a silly question?

I don't think you were rude at all. Headphones/earbuds are international language for "leave me alone".

I'm not ashamed to say that he would have had barely a glance, if I'd even noticed him, a palm right in his face, and a loud, very clear 'No to whatever it is.'

In my younger days, although I was clueless at the time, I was seriously stunning (I have seen the pictures), and was constantly fighting off attention from men who thought their time was more important than mine, headphones and frankly hostile stare from me notwithstanding. I learned very quickly that 'What book are you reading?' was the precursor to a pick up line, and that a swift ' Sorry, mate, not interested' was nearly always followed by 'Don't need to be such a bitch, love'.

Now that I am a grumpy old woman, I care not a whit, and if I respond at all, it's just ' go away.'

So, no,OP, you don't have to talk to, be polite to, or smile at anyone you don't want to unless they are your boss ( and you need your job) or someone who is threatening your child. Screw all these men who think they are owed something, simply for existing.

And for all those who will come back with, well, not all men are like that - how are we meant to tell the difference? Do they come with signs we can read before they call us bitches?

Heaven forfend that a woman should be rude after all. It is odd, I can clock up any number of occasions of rudeness on my daily commute (not all but mostly from men); yet the OP being just short to someone who was ruder to her first, is regarded by some posters as a shocking aberration judging by how they solemnly scold the OP that she needs to feel bad and adjust her attitude.

I keep forgetting that the role of women is to be pleasant and enhance social ambience at all times.

OP came back so hasn’t deserted the thread.

I look for the mice on the rail tracks , they are teeny and grey/brown and they scuttle about avoiding electricution and decapitation. ,
Anyone who looks at the rails while waiting will go Ahhhhh mice
Not Eurgh mice because they are far away .

(Though statistics say you're no more than 20 feet from a rat or something )

Why is it 'bitter' to not want to interact with random strangers? Sounds like just another way to put down women who dare to not perform niceness.

Sounds like you are judging everyone who is different/ whose situation is different to you/ yours as bitter.

Do you understand that different people like different things? And that that's OK? We don't all have to do everything your way.

I'm quite content with my life; it would not be enhanced by being friendlier to strange men i meet on the tube!

Who are you to preach to others as to what they should/shouldn't do??

I'd suggest that I am someone who is a little kinder, who is aware of their surroundings, and perfectly capable to doing what they want to do in much the same way that you are, whilst loving and caring for humanity around them.

How I 'sound' is entirely apparently gratifying, but that isn't the reason that I communicate and help people out around me

It seems sad. You will never understand unless you decide to accept it..

Hmm 🙄

This. A man is interrupting a woman who is clearly busy and occupied with a stupid, inane question. What is he really doing? He is inserting himself into her life and demanding her attention, her social conditioning to be polite.

It's an assertion of control on his part. He had no need whatsoever to know the answer to a silly question. he was just making sure she knew that it was HER job to cater to his immediate needs.

Cancel the cheque.

I’m pretty sure if this man’s ‘wife’ wanted a bag for her birthday she would already have given him pointers on the style and brands. She wouldn’t have left it to chance he might ask a stranger. If she never asked for a bag I doubt he’d be thinking of getting her one. My money’s on it being nothing more than an opening gambit.

I’m like that too, but experience has told me random strange men approaching you for some chit chat in a non-social setting is rarely without an agenda, and a nefarious one at that.

You are lucky that your interactions have been wholesome enough to keep you ever the optimist. Not all of us have had that luxury.

I'm so sorry that that is your experience. Keep on swimming!

It's not rude at all to be busy. Oftentimes, people trying to ask for money, distract you etc will start by politely asking something.

Last time for me, it was a polite "excuse me ma'am, can I get your help with something?" Me, assuming the polite man in the mobility scooter might need help reaching something on the shelf next us, I responded with a polite "what's up?" And then he launched into a long spiel about needing shoes for a new job and he was $20 short, and go with me to the atm to get the cash I didn't have on me and blah blah blah." People will often target women because of the expectation that we are kind so its more than ok to be abrupt, curt or even just ignore anyone, male or female if you are not so inclined. Don't give it another thought.

Rude randos who approach a lone woman and interrupt her for their inane social interaction at best and possibly setting her up for a crime like snatching her laptop or purse are not to be catered to. Rando dudes who approach strange lone woman on the subway aren't well meaning. Your advice could put women in danger so stick that bullshit.

There's literally only two reasons for a man to ask about a woman's handbag:

• He wants to buy the same handbag for his partner or wife.
• He is into cross-dressing and wants to buy the same bag for himself.

Neither of these reasons have anything to do with trying to "chat (someone) up"!

@DeposedPresident It's an assertion of control on his part. He had no need whatsoever to know the answer to a silly question. he was just making sure she knew that it was HER job to cater to his immediate needs.

Why on earth do some people make every single human interaction about "control"? It's a very strange way to frame things, and it's a very strange way to view the world. What a bizarre thought process.

I don't think I welcome yet another exhortation for women to 'be kind'. And as for being 'aware of their surroundings' - that is precisely what women are doing when they give random men in public short shrift, having learned it is safer and that they need to insist on their personal space being respected.

The implication that we are 'sad' and that anyone not wanting to talk to random strangers is somehow lacking in care for humanity is - dare I say it - not very kind. I would not go so far as to say that I am definitely a kind person (I am a little distrustful of people who self describe as kind/good/empathetic etc) but I think I do try, and generally have goodwill towards most people and help them. I am sure many posters here are the same. But I choose not to - and don't think I am obliged to - manifest my kindness through welcoming unsolicited attention from randomers all & sundry, regardless of the often negative outcomes this would lead to irl.

I think you may have been living quite a sheltered life up to now, if those are the only two reasons you can come up with! Especially given all the testimony we've had on this thread so far.

Let me guess, you haven't RTFT?

This.

You’re obviously oh so important and mustn’t stoop to general politeness with strangers 🥱

I’m sure we’ll get told it’s “Male entitlement” or him wanting to flirt or some other bollocks though 🙄

I know nothing about fashion. Most men know nothing about fashion. If I wanted to start a conversation with someone, why would I ask about their bag? That's a strange way to try to "chat (someone) up."

There are very few men who try to "chat up" strangers in public today, because it is widely no longer considered socially acceptable. So I would say it is far more probable that he thought it might have been a nice gift for someone else.

You sound a very arrogant person. I guess it’s up to you if you want to engage, but as I say your tone and demeanour seems arrogant to me.

YABU……..why was it necessary to be working in a public place ? Do you have any regard for confidentiality?

I lIve in the northwest. Nobody disturbs someone on a train platform with earphones on who is scrolling a phone or a laptop.

Earphones are a universal signal "do not talk to me except in an emergency", even without a phone/laptop.

It was very rude OP.

No, common courtesy is not to interrupt someone with earphones on to ask about a handbag.