Was I rude for dismissing a stranger who interrupted me on the platform?

[KookyLemonReader]

About a year ago I started a new job in finance in the City which has been very intense. The previous week I have been working very intensely to meet an end of week deadline. I am contractually required to be in the office at least one day a week so on Thurs I dragged myself out to the office. In the early afternoon I was at the local tube station platform waiting for the train and on my laptop deep in work mode when I noticed someone trying to get my attention in my peripheral vision. I turned away from my laptop removed my headphones and listened to the man. He was asking me where my handbag is from. I was very irritated that he interrupted me with this when I was clearly deep in concentration and replied in a cold way ‘I am working’ and went back to my business. A few seconds later I felt bad (also this man was an ethnic minority and I’m a white woman so I worried about that) turned back to him and said I’m sorry I was a bit rude what did you ask. He again asked where my bag is from. I told him the brand (vintage Italian designer). He made some random comment like oh I can’t buy that here I guess. I didn’t engage. Went back to my work. My concentration was lost and I was very annoyed by the whole exchange but also questioning myself. Was I awful or is it fair that he should not have interrupted a clearly full of focus person with a silly question?

😂 👏

If he was hoping to chat her up, it was a conversation starter. How he might think it would go - she replies with where it's from, he asks if she's into fashion/vintage/whatever, she says she is, he asks her what she thinks of some shoes he's been thinking of buying, and the conversation flows from there. It makes more sense than going straight in with "you are hot can I get your number" (not that that doesn't happen as well!).

HE could see she was absorbed in her laptop and had headphones on!!!

HE was the rude one, not her ffs!

@EligibleTern If he was hoping to chat her up, it was a conversation starter. How he might think it would go - she replies with where it's from, he asks if she's into fashion/vintage/whatever, she says she is, he asks her what she thinks of some shoes he's been thinking of buying, and the conversation flows from there.

That sounds like a very strange and unnatural conversation. It's unnatural because no man would ever care about what handbag a woman owns, and no man would care enough about fashion to ask for someone else's opinion on a pair of shoes.

Whenever I want a pair of shoes, I walk into a shop and buy them. No second opinion needed. Why would I need a second opinion on clothes? Why would I want to discuss fashion with someone else?

It makes more sense than going straight in with "you are hot can I get your number" (not that that doesn't happen as well!).

As I said, it is extremely rare today for men to do a "cold approach" on strangers they find attractive. I think it was more of a thing that Gen Xers did years ago, but it's very rare today because it's not considered socially acceptable.

Through my 20s & 30s I've been followed, I've been verbally abused, I've had my personal space invaded, I've had my purse stolen, I've been molested, I've been (I suspect) drugged.*

I've also made a good female friend after she asked what book I was reading in a restaurant. I've had a relationship with a really lovely man, after we were stuck on a very delayed train sitting opposite each other, & started chatting.

I'm in my late 50s now, but then & now I still refuse to let constant negativity rule my life. I have always beencareful & watchful; I've used my common sense & intuition. But I didn't & don't avoid interactions with strangers. The assumption that men are - almost always - trying to at best chat women up, at worst rape us, is depressing.

*The above incidents weren't exclusive to men. And when it was men, they weren't strangers.

He's not actually necessarily interested in and wanting actionable advice on the shoes - although it's really not unusual for men to be into fashion! It's just a way into a conversation, a hook to get someone to start talking to you in the hope that the two of you hit it off.

@EligibleTern although it's really not unusual for men to be into fashion!

Yes it is.

The only time a man would ever ask about a handbag is if he wants to buy it for a partner.

It's just a way into a conversation, a hook to get someone to start talking to you in the hope that the two of you hit it off.

As I have already explained, it is very rare for men to "cold approach" strangers they find attractive. So this is very unlikely.

Similar experiences to myself. It doesn’t mean constant negativity. I’m not walking around with a face like thunder or a ‘I dare you to talk’ to me attitude, but we don’t have to be accommodating to every male we’ve never laid on eyes on before because they want to engage in some chat.

Highly unusual for London, to work on a laptop on the platform, trains come in an every are minutes and for him to have spoken to you, people do not speak to strangers on the underground.

I lived in London for over 10 in the 90s and early 00, which I mostly enjoyed. I occasionally still go back for meetings or the theatre now. I bloody detest the place. People would literally walk over dead bodies if they happened to come across one. The vibe is totally uncaring, rough and soulless. A total shit hole. 💩

Don’t be daft. You must either be a blow-in or live in Cheshire

You'd call a company to come and get the spare out the boot?

She could have been watching the news or a movie or a kdrama. London is no different to a number of other global cities in their lack of interaction with strangers in tube/metro/subway stations.

I think that in London you have to expect that there are lots of different people around and there’s no single norm. You also have to be aware of the man/woman dynamic, have to be aware there are crazy folk around, have to be aware of the white/non-white thing….basically all the things that clearly went through your head. You did the right thing in apologizing afterwards. Next time, because there will be one if you stay in London, a slicker riposte would be remove headphones, hear him out, “sorry, I’m working”, headphones back in, move on with your life.

There are a lot of posters up on the tube at the moment with helpful conversation starters like ‘I like your trainers.’ The idea is that they’re for use if someone’s being sexually harassed & needs help, but I can imagine them also being used for inspiration. ‘Where did you get your bag?’ could very easily be in there somewhere.

Why does she owe him conversation or response - I’d have totally ignored. If you engage, they just want to chat further and it can get uncomfortable.

It's the fact that so many people on here don't give anyone at all the benefit of the doubt at first.

Some of the assumptions that have been made regarding the man's intentions are ludicrous. It might have been the start of a chat-up, but it might have been because he was thinking of what to buy his wife for her birthday. We don't know! I hope those PPs are never called to sit on juries ...

If someone - male or female - approached me simply to strike up a conversation, even if I was really busy I wouldn't ignore them straight off. I'd smile, but say that I was in the middle of something. If they were really persistent, or I felt uncomfortable, I'd have no hesitation in moving away - or telling them to fuck off & stop bothering me if they were being really creepy/unpleasant.

But to just completely ignore & blank anyone who approaches & says something to you - that is rude. And, as a PP mentioned, they could be trying to get your attention because your jacket has fallen on the ground, your water bottle is leaking etc etc. That sort of thing has happened to me before.

I also dislike the ridiculing that takes place on MN around the words "nice" & "kind". I'm not a wet lettuce/a drip/a pushover - I simply think courtesy & decency are important qualities. I'm not deferring or kowtowing to men, or any outdated patriarchal notions of how a women should behave. I'm an outspoken feminist to the core, & passionate about fairness & equality - yet I also believe that kindness is a desirable quality in any human being*.

*And an essential one if I am to like & respect them.

I find 'stick your bullshit' to be rather aggressive. You come across as being a cynic. If you are aggressive, that is what you will receive.

Nah, I don’t talk to random men in the street, if that makes me unkind so be it but they rarely have good intentions, and I’m from up North but I’m not one of the friendly ones. If you had headphones in and were clearly doing something (anything, not necessarily work) and he didn’t need immediate emergency help then he should expect short shrift. Don’t worry OP, he probably tied it in with t least 5 other women that day anyway.

Well I did sit on a jury. I did believe the guy. Turned out he had a string of previous convictions! (He was on trial for mugging a stranger, which of course he denied. Wasn’t me m’lud). 🤨

A blow in? Maybe, I lived in London for 12 years in my 20s and 30s so while I'm not born and bred I know it very well. I used to love living there, the diversity, culture, restaurants, parks and endless opportunities. But it has changed so very much since then. There are many reason for this but I detest the absolute lack of basic humanity you come across there. I'm sure you have pockets of loveliness but it's a whole load more hostile than it used to be. I have never been to Cheshire though.

I think your response was rude, but then I also think it was rude of him to interrupt you when you were clearly not open to conversation. He should have waited until you got up to board the train and asked you then.

You are not obliged to be "kind" or nice or whatever, but it does make life a little smoother if you're not second-guessing your responses!

I genuinely have never seen a person sitting on their laptop while waiting for the tube. Trains tend to come in every 1-few minutes. It would be impractical to have the laptop wobbling on your knees while navigating the crowds and then quickly putting it back in your Italian bag to get onto the smelly train. On their phones yes, sure.

The train you want does not come in every few minutes if you are sitting in a tube station on the outer fringes of the system. Or maybe that was just special treatment for me.

What does it matter? I don't really see how it changes anything. OP gave info that wasn’t really that relevant. Pertinent points were: OP was obviously occupied to anyone who can read a room (or train platform). OP didn’t appreciate being disturbed to respond to a question that may or may not have been genuine. OP then wondered if she had come across as rude.

I have actually been approached while wearing headphones (nothing dodgy) but I made a point of removing my headphones in a deliberate way to bring home the point I had to stop and remove them before we could continue. I did get an ‘oh sorry’ 😂

forget this, it’s not important