Was I rude for dismissing a stranger who interrupted me on the platform?

[KookyLemonReader]

About a year ago I started a new job in finance in the City which has been very intense. The previous week I have been working very intensely to meet an end of week deadline. I am contractually required to be in the office at least one day a week so on Thurs I dragged myself out to the office. In the early afternoon I was at the local tube station platform waiting for the train and on my laptop deep in work mode when I noticed someone trying to get my attention in my peripheral vision. I turned away from my laptop removed my headphones and listened to the man. He was asking me where my handbag is from. I was very irritated that he interrupted me with this when I was clearly deep in concentration and replied in a cold way ‘I am working’ and went back to my business. A few seconds later I felt bad (also this man was an ethnic minority and I’m a white woman so I worried about that) turned back to him and said I’m sorry I was a bit rude what did you ask. He again asked where my bag is from. I told him the brand (vintage Italian designer). He made some random comment like oh I can’t buy that here I guess. I didn’t engage. Went back to my work. My concentration was lost and I was very annoyed by the whole exchange but also questioning myself. Was I awful or is it fair that he should not have interrupted a clearly full of focus person with a silly question?

No you were not unreasonable and it doesn't matter what his ethnicity was! He could see you were in deep thought, and had headphones on! Why do people do this?? I get this walking the dog in the park at the end of the day. I'm tired, and have great big fuck-off headphones on yet still people insist on talking to me...admittedly it's a friendly dog-walking park but come on, I've got headphones on! Funnily enough it never happens to my male partner when he does the dog walk! I'd never presume to interrupt anyone if it was clear they weren't up for talking ...unless it was to tell them their dog pooped or something!

I agree he shouldn’t have tried to diesel to you - that was rude of him. But you were rude back and two wrongs don’t make it right.

Headphones on to me means fuck off I'm busy. Twice in the gym I've been stopped MID-SET to be spoken to by strangers. Once was to correct my form which tbf wasn't completely beyond reasonable however not something I would do unless it was dangerous. Second time was a man asking what I was listening to. Fucking unforgivable, jail time.

What the fuck does him being an ethnic minority and you being white have to do with it?

Would it have been better if he was a white man?

Are all ethnic minority men predators?

Bloody hell.

Groan - the snarky replies on here! it's the worst side of MN.

OP - I get why you were irritated by this interruption (not the man himself) and I get why you later felt bad. Both are completely reasonable reactions.

I empathise because I'm a bit too nice usually (not a pushover, but I'm not known for being highly assertive). What tends to happen with me is, I suddenly decide I'm going to be assertive and then pick the wrong, poor, innocent, hapless stranger to be assertive with.

Then I feel awful and go back to being too nice....and round we go again!

Don't worry about it.

And for those being sarky about the bag - it's totally relevant to the OP's question.

Very unusual. Rare for anyone to talk on the Tube. Most people would not engage at all. I wouldn’t feel bad.

How is it polite to try and engage someone wearing headphones? Headphones are a clear signal that engagement is not the right move.

Oh fgs...can you not grasp that OP was concerned that in that scenario (and with the current mood in the country) this man might think she was being horrible because of his race?

Jeez.

You wave at every stranger you encounter? You sound unhinged.

I can’t believe the number of posters being obnoxious to the OP. Of course it’s not rude to not want to interrupt whatever you’re doing/listening to in order to give attention to a random male asking an inane question. He shouldn’t have been so rude as to get her attention unless it was an emergency. I’d probably have pointed at the headphones and waved him away. I don’t even expect my own husband to invade my space like that if I’m concentrating.

No, I don’t see that actually.

I don’t think that any man who is not white is more of a threat than a white man.

I dunno, I guess I’m not a racist 🤷🏻‍♀️

And what current mood? How are ethnic men more of a threat than white men in “the current mood”?

She was on the platform.

Where on earth do you live that people can’t say something to someone else. A prison?

Don't twist words.

No-one is saying ethnic minority men are 'more of a threat', as you say.

I'm saying that in the current climate (Reform etc) OP might be excused for feeling bad and worry that this man might interpret her behaviour as racist. I thought I'd expressed myself clearly, but hey.

Sounds to me like a severe case of Main Character Syndrome.

OP, put your laptop down, listen to the birdsong, smell the flowers, watch the clouds, hear the children laughing, soak up the sunshine, smile at the strangers.

There’s so much more to life than being a slave to a keyboard.

I took it to mean she was questioning herself as to whether she might have had some kind of unconscious bias.

You expressed yourself perfectly clearly. Ignore.

Username checks out. 😂

I might get this on a t shirt!

I am completely with the OP about this, and if it had been me I would not have been so polite. I don't know where some posters complaining about her rudeness live; but I have learned from long and bitter experience the difference between a spontaneous friendly exchange with a stranger and a (yet another) random man trying to bother me in a public space when I am trying to go about my business. I am happy as anyone to chat to people but I follow my instincts now and frequently give short shift if I feel it is needed.

I think these posters can't be familiar with travelling in the City or using the tube. People just don't generally talk to each other unless there is a really good reason...not because they are unfriendly but in order to respect each other's space. I thought anyone would know that bothering someone with earphones on and clearly focused on something (whatever it is) is rude.

I’ve got a T-shirt that says ‘Ew, People’. I haven't worn it but I might next time I’m at a station. 😂

Yes you were rude.

Why would you try to start a convo with someone who has laptop open and headphones on?! YANBU

Thank you! If I'm unhinged, at least I'm happy unhinged, and giving back a little kindness.

No, I don't wave to 'everyone', but I will wave to thank drivers who stop so that I can cross a road, or people who are vaguely familiar. I will also chat briefly to the drug addicts and alcoholics at the bottom of the road which is in fact an insurance. They are way less likely to attack or rob me if they know who I am. I help people out, and even yesterday stepped into the middle of the road and put my hand up, stopping all the traffic, so that a disabled man (now he looked unhinged) could cross the road.

I believe that connecting with people not only makes the world worth living in but is what we're here for.

As for the OPs question (and I'm so sorry to have digressed), yes, it was rude, but you obviously feel uncomfortable about it or you wouldn't have asked for people's opinions. Perhaps next time something like this happens you could at least acknowledge it but also just say that you're a bit busy, with a smile, if you don't wish to interact. I know that at times it can be annoying.

So back to unhinged. I actually don't care if that's how people perceive me. Their loss!

Asking about a bag is in no way the same as asking about knickers. FFS. I've asked that question before "Your bag/coat is gorgeous, would you mind telling me where it's from?" Personally, I would take it as a compliment.

What? Do you feel the same about women helping men pick out clothes (which working in retail, I can tell you happens more often)? How is it creepy to give an opinion on clothing your partner tries on if asked? To have an urge to push them and calling them freaks seems OTT.

What tends to happen with me is, I suddenly decide I'm going to be assertive and then pick the wrong, poor, innocent, hapless stranger to be assertive with.

😂😂

Sometimes there are going to be casualties. You just have to shrug it off and move on.