I hurt my baby co sleeping

[Bumpyroads]

Baby is a terrible sleeper, we co sleep and I feel very sleep deprived.
I have always talked in my sleep however last night I had a nightmare and got very angry in my sleep.
We were co sleeping and baby was sleeping in the crook of my arm.
I bit him in my sleep hard on his eyebrow, I woke up immediately to him crying I thought I had bitten his eye and immediately started shouting at my husband to turn on the light. Im so upset about it he has red teeth marks which will probably leave a bruise.
Not sure I can tell anyone in real life so posting here

I agree with a PP above who said she is pro- co sleeping but has stated it's clearly not for you.

At best of times you have to exercise some caution with co-sleeping (I co slept with all of mine) and if you're having dreams where you flail around then you need to change your sleeping arrangements. No other option.

your husband sounds like a fucking prick!

hi Op

When my son was 7 months old (he is now 13! so in the distant past) - I was in the state you are in - dangerously underslept, crying, stressed, barely functioning. He was waking constantly.

I spoke to a health visitor who happened to be a friend of friend who came recommended as good at sleep advice

She guided me with gentle sleep training and in ONE NIGHT we changed his sleep. It is that easy.

We never left him alone, but we dedicated a few nights to being completely fixed on him sleeping in the room next to us in a cot. When he cried we always waited a few minutes - sometimes he was back asleep within 3 or 4 minutes - it seems an age but its really just them waking/ dfalling asleep on their own.

Other times, I went in and just sat by tthe cot, singing, patting him through the bars.

I promise you - it is for the babys benefit at this age. They need their sleep too.

It was not cruel, he never cried for longn - I always said - he cried more when he was waking frequently.

I couldn't believe how quick it was - I had been disturbing his sleep by picking him up all the time while co sleeping.

I would imagine you putting the boot in to a mum asking for advice isn’t an isolated incident, for sure.

I consider myself a relaxed parent and very pro safe Bedsharing but I definitely think putting your baby in a position where you might bite them is not an acceptable risk to take.

We were co sleeping and baby was sleeping in the crook of my arm.

That’s not the C curl. You weren’t practicing safe cosleeping. That’s INCREDIBLY dangerous, everything else aside.

@Bumpyroads but you're NOT safe. Just because you're not deliberately harming your baby, doesn't mean he's not being harmed.

That could have been so much worse and frankly, it's a little concerning that you're still so adamant about co-sleeping.

You need to speak to a GP about your tiredness. It's not normal. At 11 months old you can ease off the breast-feeding. Baby will get used to it. Far better for him to get the occasional bottle than to get bitten on the face!

Obviously your DH is a useless piece of shit but that's probably a converastion for another day...

Just to put it in most basic terms as lots of people dont seems to understand.

I follow safe sleep 7, baby head was resting in the crook of my arm as I was feeding laying down and my boob's are not big enough to reach him if his head is on the mattress. Lactation consultant has witnessed me feeding like this, its fine.

I know its not safe to continue co sleeping, we have established that. Im more not looking for next steps advice.

We have a next 2 me forever. Its the transfer that makes him wake up. It is very difficult to contort and feed him while he's in it as there is a ridge where the side drops down.

I am afraid of falling asleep while sitting up.

At the moment he will only feed to sleep. I know this is bad but its where we are.

Same for naps.

What would everyones advice be if I was a single parent? Because obviously saying husband should be doing xyz isn't going to help me tonight.
I am also scared of the even further lack of sleep in the meantime while I sleep train and how I will function considering I am almost at breaking point as it is.

I dont think you would know its a bite mark unless I told you. A red eyebrow at the moment.

I have recently been discharged for the perinatal mental health team, hence the new health visitor appointments and why I am so worried about telling them.

I think thats everything covered

What did your partner say about the bite? He has to recognise that you are so sleep deprived that it is unsafe? Is there anyone outside the house who could help you? You need help urgently.

This is not your fault in anyway but you are at the point where you need someone to take over and cut the cycle of nightfeeds while you are away from home getting sleep or in another room with noise cancelling headphones getting sleep. If there is no one in the family who can help, you need to ask your health visitor or GP as this is making you really ill.

my daughter slept through from 12weeks then at about 1yr she had a sleep regression and everything just went out the window. To get her back on track we did the camp it out method. It’s not sleep training as you never leave them cry, you sit next to the cot and comfort without getting her out and try not to engage too much while still being present. Each day you get abit closer to the door. Eventually you just put them down and leave. She took to it really well
and it only took us a week or so to just be able to put her in the cot and leave. She would play in the cot for a little bit quite happy and then just go to sleep. I appreciate not all will take to it and she wasn’t feeding through the night at that point but it worked for us.

Can you afford some daytime help with the baby? Or get him in nursery now, so that you can catch up on sleep during the day?

We co-slept but I didn't feel tired like you describe. I did often/usually go to bed at the same time as the baby, which for us was around 10pm. They'd wake up a couple of times, breastfeed and then sleep again, usually until about 8am.

Is it worth seeing the doctor in case you're anaemic or something?

Is it even safe to sleep with a baby in the crook of your arm?

Honestly Op I feel for you.

"I bit my baby in my sleep"-it hardly sounds credible does it?

With co-sleeping I would say not to sleep with the baby in your arms, but to have your own space each in a double bed (DH in a different bed). Hope your little one is okay.

Sorry that was a x post but my points still stand. If you were a single parent I would be suggesting you involved your mum or a friend. That your husband hasn’t taken over nights, whilst you have been experiencing mental health issues, is very sad and disappointing.

i agree with you that sleep training when you are this sleep deprived is not a good option.

Oh, I also discovered around this age (I can't remember why because we usually breastfed to sleep for naps too), that if I put them in the buggy facing me (our buggy could lie flat) and pushed it backwards and forwards whilst standing in the hallway, they could fall asleep like that. I'd avoid eye contact Then I'd leave them sleeping there while I napped on the sofa.

At the age your little one is I’d say sleep training is your safest option.

It’ll be brutally hard for a few nights, especially as you’re already shattered, but you know you have to do something different so you might as well start right away.

Do you have anyone around that could help out? (I had a hopeless ex so I get that there’s no magic cure with your partner - once you’ve had a good sleep you should have a good think about his lack of support in this and consider the relationship)

anyone who could have your little one for a night to let you have one good sleep?

or could you afford help?

Being dishonest, or not fully honest is a slippery slope and won't benefit you or the baby.

I really do feel for you but remember, your visiting health team is there to help and support you, not cast judgement. This was a mistake and intent means a lot. As long as you recognize that this isn't a risk you can take again then I don't think there's any need to keep it from your MH team.

If you were a single parent, OP, you wouldn't be dealing with the added stress of living with someone that you know can't be arsed to help you. I'm not saying it would be easier but I'm not sure you can underestimate the negative effect having a selfish, useless 'partner' can have on your mental health.

Aside from that, I'd be telling you that you're in for a shitty time fixing bad habits but it's absolutely vital for you and your son. Feeding to sleep is a habit that needs to break. Co-sleeping is a habit that needs to break, in the short term at least.

This unfortunately means lost sleep, crying, disturbance. It's not fun and I feel sorry for you but I do think it's vital.

What I would say is that if this means you and baby staying in PJs and taking los of naps in front of the TV for the next couple of weeks then so be it. That's still better than you biting him or otherwise harming him in the night. It's not ideal but it is what it is.

My GP many years ago told me two pieces of old-school advice that saved my sanity.

1. A crying baby is not the worst thing in the world. No baby ever died of crying.
2. If you need a break, take it. Put the baby on the floor/in a playpen if he's mobile, and take your break. A baby can't fall off the floor.

What would everyones advice be if I was a single parent? Because obviously saying husband should be doing xyz isn't going to help me tonight.

You mentioned that he said you should go to bed earlier so would he take the baby at least for that part (then he doesn’t have to sleep with them) so you could do what he’s suggesting? You sound like you need to be getting some sleep as soon as he gets in to take over. If you were a single mum I’d suggest going to sleep at 6/7pm too!

If he’s seen you bite the baby through exhaustion and still won’t step up then that is shocking tbh and the HV will say the same thing. It sounds like it would be best for him to be in a different bed if he’s not even helping out so that you and baby can have more room.

At 11 months old, baby sleeping in the crook of an arm seems completely safe, if mum isn't under the influence and isn't sleep biting (sorry, OP!) They're old enough at that age to sit up, crawl around, cry, and (in my experience) pull your top down and feed themselves! They're not tiny newborns who will overheat, or suffocate. They're practically toddlers!

Again, OP, I would suggest completely baby-proofing your bedroom, and popping him on a cot mattress on the floor in a corner, so you can lie on the floor beside him to feed him to sleep before retreating to your bed. He might even sleep better with a little separation, once he's asleep? It's not ideal for you, but I'd ask the health visitor about it, perhaps.

Do you have a cot? Google ‘sidecar cot’ or join a cosleeping group on FB. You basically take the side off the cot and get the mattress exactly level with your mattress and fill in any gaps. This gets rid of the ridge/drop issue with the next to me. You can then feed the baby to sleep with your body in the cot and then roll away when they’re asleep.

It also gets them used to being in the cot and sleeping in their own separate space.

OP, I had a similarish experience. I had ended up cosleeping as an desperate last resort, until one night I woke up lying on my baby. He was absolutely fine, but there were maybe two or three seconds where I thought I might have smothered him. It was the worst few seconds of my life and haunted me for a long time afterwards - I'm getting a bit upset thinking about it now. It showed me I couldn't be sure I could keep him safe co-sleeping.

We sleep trained. We did a gentleish method - he did cry, but was never left to cry alone - and it worked within days. Within weeks I was genuinely really sad I hadn't done it sooner, as my life and experience of motherhood were so hugely improved by not being chronically sleep deprived to the point of it making me constantly ill. He is now a happy, healthy 8 year old.

OP I feel you. At the same age my baby was still waking multiple times for a feed.

We decided to bite the bullet and sleep train into a cot. We had a feed and then rocked to sleep in arms on a maternity ball or just rocked in arms walking to and fro. Took about 20-30 mins.

She slept through the night for the first time at about 13 months.

Don’t do the sleep training alone! Call a consultant, they will lay it out for you step by step and then support you on a daily basis until you’re done. I’m so bored of ppl who haven’t tried it and conflate Cry It Out (which literally no one supports, or has supported for at least a decade) with sleep training. There are no badges of honour for soldiering on by yourself with no sleep and no support. Poor sleep is also bad for your baby’s brain development. There’s nothing wrong with co-sleeping if everyone actually sleeps but if you are thrashing around and your DS is still waking in the night anyway then help them learn the invaluable skill of how to put themselves to sleep, in their own bed!! If you’re still in this situation in a months time you only have yourself to blame.

Sorry for the tough love. I know you’re tired but the way out of this hole is not to wait for things to change by themselves. You need to find the motivation to pick up the phone, call an expert, and get your baby sleeping.

(Then start a new thread about your DHs inadequacies as a partner and father!)