I hurt my baby co sleeping

[Bumpyroads]

Baby is a terrible sleeper, we co sleep and I feel very sleep deprived.
I have always talked in my sleep however last night I had a nightmare and got very angry in my sleep.
We were co sleeping and baby was sleeping in the crook of my arm.
I bit him in my sleep hard on his eyebrow, I woke up immediately to him crying I thought I had bitten his eye and immediately started shouting at my husband to turn on the light. Im so upset about it he has red teeth marks which will probably leave a bruise.
Not sure I can tell anyone in real life so posting here

Sorry no, it’s not a case of just ignore that you’ve a DH, because you have, it is relevant and there is a way out of this nightmare for you.

You don’t feel you can cope with less sleep, which may happen if you try sleep training, therefore you need your DH to help.

You can’t ignore that he is there and should be helping!

I may be wrong (I don’t know the science) but if OPs having such vivid dreams I’d also assume it means OPs not in light sleep which most co sleepers experience. I was an exceptionally light sleeper next to my baby, I only had dreams when I was sleeping away from her as I was in deep sleep.

I know you’re not liking the responses OP but I’ve never hurt my baby when co sleeping and I wouldn’t risk it if I’d have done what you have (even by accident).

You’re also meant to be in the c curl, not baby in the crook of your arm. I don’t think it’s safe for either of you.

Ok, so you know that co sleeping is no longer an option and certainly not necessary with an 11month old. Sleep training is your next step - you can do this kindly (without crying out etc). Does your baby have their own room? Put a mattress next to their cot for you as a start - you can touch stroke, sooth but stop picking up at night unless there is good reason (ie nappy change required etc). Is your baby on good solids, do you have a good bedtime routine? No one is saying it’s easy but persistence and repetition will help you establish good sleeping habits. Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason…

I had three under 3 .so I had to have a working routine
Eldest was 2 ,second was aprox 13 months and baby
You need a routine.
Mine were bathed at 6 every night ,in bed by 7 .
Move to bottle feeding and formula/ or straight to a cup and milk.
Baby needs to be able to put down in the cot in the day for a nap
By 11 months he should be on 3meals and not needing much ( if any) milk at night
Get a selection of dummies to try so he can self soothe
Tire him out in the day lots of opportunity to crawl and move around baby groups ,park and the swing
Limit naps after lunch ..no napping after 2 pm .
Bath him at 6 ..give him milk and in to his cot
Sit by his cot and read him bedtime stories
That's your routine every night .
Worked for me ..mine were difficult babies as well,but they came to expect the routine and because I'd always done it they were used to it

You could put a floor bed in his room. Feed to sleep then roll away. Make sure the room is super safe.

I really struggle to understand why you're so tired you can't function? Are you saying at 11 months she's still waking up constantly? If yes, have you explored why that is? If no, why aren't you getting any sleep?

I'm so sorry, you sound exhausted. Been there...its horrific.

As a Microbiologist, can I just ask you to wash your baby's arm with lots or soap and water. Human bites are the most dangerous of all as our teeth harbour really dangerous bacteria. Get it washed immediately and be really observant of any signs of infection.

Hope you're both ok. There's no need to keep worrying about it, what's done is done, and obviously you didn't cause any intentional harm. But now it's happened, you absolutely cannot co-sleep again. If you've reacted this way to a dream before, you might again. In fact, I would think it would be MORE likely for you to have bad dreams, precisely BECAUSE this has happened!

But was he more harmed than by actual biting or any of the other things OP might do while unconscious?

Yes, I think this may be true. I was repeatedly told that because I was breastfeeding I could safely cosleep with my child because I'd wake up if they moved etc., that this was a natural state that all mothers have, etc. As I recounted upthread, this was absolutely not true for me (and I didn't drink or anything like that). I think it was a combination of the fact that I'm inherently a very deep sleeper but also that I was just so sleep deprived.

Time to start calm sleep training. Your DS should be sleeping in his cot.

With respect OP, you’re not a single parent. Your useless twat of a husband needs to step up and actually parent. Why does he think it’s acceptable for his wife to be so sleep deprived that she bit her own baby in her sleep? You’re downplaying his role in this entirely.
Practically, have you looked into hiring a sleep consultant? There are some who employ gentle methods rather than controlled crying/CIO. I do sympathise with your situation, my baby disliked sleeping alone, but we worked as a team so we at least got some sleep each.

@Glitterballofdreams has excellent advice. I also used a next to me cot and it worked well. It might be a battle for a few nights so do as she advises and take naps when your DH is home and/or if any other family members can watch your baby for a while.

You need sleep op. Hallucinations like this are a result of severe sleep deprivation.

You need to be getting 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep at an absolute minimum to complete a full sleep cycle, are you even getting this consistently?

Do you have a relative who would sleep train for you? At 11 months baby doesn’t need feeding at night, but will settle for nothing else when she smells mum. If your dh won’t step up do you have anyone else who would?

You need to be getting ant least two full uninterrupted nights of sleep - you’ll feel worse before you feel better because the brain has to prioritise non REM sleep recovery first. You may even find it hard to sleep and have nightmares at first. It’s not just the opportunity to sleep that’s important here - it’s succeeding in sleeping soundly two nights in a row.

I’m really sorry this happened to your baby, but I’m also really worried about you. Sleep deprivation is a serious health risk and your dh is a selfish prick

Can yoh get the cot thing that attaches to the bed, like an extension.
Move baby in as soin as they fall asleep.
Also those warm hand things that comfort them. You need rest, your sleep sounds so disturbed and sleep deprivation is terrible.

I would be honest with the HV: they are there to support you and may be able to offer additional support.

If you’re finding there’s an issue with the alignment between your baby and breast in the side lying position, you could try placing a muslin under either their head or your breast (or both) to adjust the alignment. The baby should definitely be on a flat surface for sleeping as that is part of the safe sleep 7. Have you considered going to bed early so that even if your sleep is broken, at least you’re resting for longer? You could also cosleep for naps too to get some more time to rest.

Sleep when breastfeeding and cosleeping is typically lighter and the sleeping position that the dyad gravitates towards is the c curl. It may be that you’re less responsive due to exhaustion. There may be an underlying medical cause for your outbursts. If you can find a way to rest more over the next few days such as aiming to rest when the baby is napping, going to bed earlier and if possible getting support so you can have a couple of hours uninterrupted sleep during the day, then cosleeping might be a safe option.

Also, breastfeeding to sleep is complete normal, as well as (unfortunately) frequent night waking. Cosleeping as you’ve found can improve sleep duration and quality, but it sounds as though some intervention is needed to make it safe again. You could try speaking to your HV about it, or perhaps a BF support group in your area. All the best x

That’s really dangerous and he’s old enough to learn how to settle on his own and not co sleep. I would rather run of 0 sleep than but my child at risk. I also read you have a next to me. At 11 months baby should ideally be in his own room / cot by now. It might take a bit but persistence will help him. I had a really hard boy so I get it. He’s 4.5 year old now and sleeps a solid 12 hours a night (since he was 3 anyway!).

This is beginning to sound far deeper than the original post. Were you awake when you bite your child? You are clearly exhausted, and unsupported by your husband.

I was under the perinatal mental health team when I had my son a few years ago so I know just how your mind is going right now.
I would tell your health visitor what happened; she will be best placed to offer you something that may actually help.
I know you've said your husband won't help but he really does need to or the option is you have a breakdown due to sheer exhaustion!

I feel for you, OP. You did something dangerous when you were literally unconscious, and you know it can't continue. But sleep deprivation is literal torture, so I can see why you've carried on co-sleeping until now.

I can only speak from my own experience. But we did gradual retreat/disappearing chair sleep training with both of my DC, and it is short term pain for long term gain. It works best if you can put baby in another room (even temporarily), if you drop night feeds at the same time, and if the non-feeding parent does put downs and wakes for the first two weeks. Yes, the baby cries; no, they don't cry alone, and with my two, they weren't inconsolable for hours on end. We used a sleep coach but I was basically paying for her to hold my hand, tell me to trust the process, and to buck up a bit on the hard days. You can google the method. She never recommended anything that was against safe sleep guidelines.

DD is older so I’m possibly outdated, but we had her in her own bed right next to ours and it worked well, she was still in the same room and quickly within reach if she became unsettled, would that be an option for you? That way there would be no risk of you getting physical if your sleep is agitated.

Im a social worker. You will most definately be referred for this. They will then advise you to stop cosleeping immediately. No judgement here - I coslept with all of mine and it is perfectly safe - usually. But anyone who sleeps really heavily, has night terrors, addictions, thrashes about - then it just can't happen anymore. I know its rubbish, and also very scary for you and your son, and its going to be incredibly hard to stop and cause you both a lot of distress and further sleep deprivation, but you absolutely cant carry on co-sleeping through no fault of your own. Social services will see that. However, if you insist on continuing then that will be a very red flag to them and they may take things further.

Best wishes to you. Be kind to yourself, you are exhausted and you did something you weren't in control of in your sleep so don't beat yourself up. But stop now. x.

im just wondering if you can ask the HV for help around sleep and for her to give you a plan to follow so you don’t have to co sleep as it sounds like that not working. It does seem like you need some support. it’s no wonder you’re exhausted if you’re basically doing it all alone.

Do you have any family support?

Do you think you’re iron deficient/vit D or something like that, maybe worth seeing the GP for some blood tests incase?

Sounds like telling the health visitor will be a positive thing that gets you a bit of help and advice.

I would definitely think about putting a little more distance between you as you sleep from now. Don't let it get to you, just learn from it.

I coslept and once woke up and was worried I had smothered DC from falling asleep breastfeeding sideways, but thankfully hadn't. I was so tired.

11 months isn't a bad time to stop breastfeeding, you've done your bit. They can take milk from 12 months so it won't be like faffing around with formula.