Is asking if someone fears death considered inappropriate conversation?

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I can't sleep mulling over something, and feeling very upset as well as guilty. But, also confused, as I meant it so innocently.
I lost my dad a few months ago, and I adored him, so am grieving, so naturally the subject of death, dying and the afterlife etc is on my mind a lot more than before.
I was talking to a friend about it and my dad, and we were chatting generally. I explained I have no fear of my own death, but really struggle with other people's deaths. I mentioned a close friend who is very scared of death and who doesn't like talking about it. In the context of the conversation, it seemed completely normal to ask her if she was scared of death. I can't tell you how innocently I asked this. I wouldn't have asked it randomly; it was completely in context. So, I was shocked when she reacted as she did. She made me feel so guilty for having asked it, as though it was very inappropriate. She wouldn't let it go when I said sorry, and that I felt guilty.
We changed the subject then, but I can't stop thinking about it. I'm extremely upset, as she knows how much I'm grieving, and I wish she could have given me a bit of grace. But, I also feel very guilty and troubled that I might have asked something very inappropriate without realising. To me, in that context, it honestly felt like a normal question. I've often been asked that question, and it never occurred to me that it was wrong.
I'm so upset, as said friend has often brought up subjects I don't like discussing and find triggering, but I haven't reacted like that, as I realised she didn't mean any harm, and didn't mean to touch a nerve. But, in reverse, I wasn't shown the same mercy or forgiveness. I'm wondering if I should talk to her about how hurt I feel?
Anyway, do you think it's a question that should never be asked? Be honest, but also please be gentle, as I'm feeling extremely fragile 😢

It is a very personal question. She might not want to admit her true feelings on this or it just might be that all her life she's been taught that talking about death is taboo.

For what it's worth I am not in anyway afraid of death. In fact I would not be overly upset about me dying. I don't know that I would admit that to anyone in real life. It's essentially me saying I can take or leave life. I imagine that might be quite upsetting for my loved ones, especially my children.

As nicely as I can, yes, I consider it inappropriate.

No. In the context of a conversation about death, I think that's a perfectly reasonable question. It's certainly something I've talked about to various friends.

Of course it's also fine for your friend to say she isn't comfortable talking about it, but that should've been the end of it. There's absolutely no reason for her to turn it into such a big deal and make you feel guilty.

I don’t find it inappropriate in the context of your conversation, but then I am really comfortable talking about death. Some people find it intrusive, some have never thought about it in depth, some will be shocked by the bluntness. You do have to suss out your audience.

I’d probably face it head on and apologise for upsetting her, but I also agree she should’ve given you some grace. It’s a tricky one but it’s very personal, in my opinion neither of you are in the wrong.

I wouldn’t use it as small talk, but I don’t think it’s at all inappropriate in the context you’ve outlined. It really depends on their personalities. I have some friends I can discuss literally anything with, and others where I would pick the topics of conversation more carefully.

I am in my 80s and dont fear death. I now know why my grandmother was resigned to dying. But I dont discuss it openly with others because I know its a subject most people find difficult. What I have found helpful is to discuss iit with one of the chat bots. I use co-pilot. They will discuss it in a philosophical manner but not give advice on how toend your life and always advise you to seek help if you feel like that. However if you want to discuss death (or grieving for someone close to you) in a dispassionate way you cant do worse than ask an AI.

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest to be asked but then I'm very open and a deep thinker and welcome such topics for discussion. It is hard to realise that not everyone likes them or is willing or able to engage. I wouldn't take it personally as everyone has different comfort levels.

Incidentally, I'm not afraid of death and feel at ease with knowing my life will end one day. Life has been pretty shit and the people and animals I love have mostly gone before me.

I have a life limiting condition, but am not afraid of death. Very few people, including old friends and anyone beyond immediate family, know of my prognosis. How would you feel asking me, only to then find out my diagnosis? I would never ask.

I don’t think it’s an inappropriate question at all, especially in context. It’s about time we see talking about death as a normal part of life. Brits in particular can be very weird about it.
It’s fine for your friend to say she doesn’t like talking about it but you have already apologised so I wouldn’t give it another thought.💐

I recently lost my dad and I wish that as a society we talked about death a lot more. I would feel comforted and supported if it was easier to discuss these matters freely, and I am sure that many people struggling with death (that of a loved one or their own pending one) would feel the same. Death is pretty much the one certainty we are all facing, so it seems silly and unhelpful to me to make it such a taboo.

Your friend"s reaction in my opinion is excessive, weird and quite rude. She could have just declined the discussion, surely. Does she prefer to pretend that death doesn't exist?

Thank you all for your replies. Sorry about the delay. I actually did eventually drift to sleep, but only for about an hour or so.
I woke up with a start still thinking about it.
I think, it's very important to me to not offend anyone. I really always try to be careful with what I say. So, I found it very distressing to think I could have accidentally said something inappropriate when I would never ever have intended to.
I felt like a child who'd been told off for transgressing, with no knowledge at all of wrongdoing iyswim.
It genuinely didn't occur to me (in that context) that there was anything wrong with that question. I would never have asked it if I thought there was. I guess everyone is so different.

Thank you. I'm so sorry for your loss 💐
Well, this is the weird thing, she was talking very freely about death generally, and didn't mind me talking about my feelings re my grief. It was specifically when I mentioned my own lack of fear of death, my other friend who fears death and asked her how she feels that she reacted strongly.
I was very shocked. I do know she lost her parents at a young age, so maybe that did trigger a fear of death for her? I just wish she could have gently explained she couldn't talk about it, rather than getting cross and not letting it go when I apologised. I obviously would never have asked her if I thought for a moment she would mind. I feel very guilty, but also very hurt, as I'm already really struggling with things so much at the moment.
Thank you for your post. It really helped. It's interesting to get different perspectives. I wish death wasn't such a taboo subject in our society 😔

The thing is my faux pas was due to ignorance rather than lack of care. I really try to be careful with what I say to people. I'm horrified if I think I've ever said the wrong thing.
So, tbh I do think her reaction was a bit harsh. But, maybe she couldn't help it?
She's lost parents, so she knows how grief feels, but it was many years ago in her case (she's a fair bit older than me and lost her parents very young) Also of course, everyone grieves differently.
Going forward, I'll be extremely careful who I choose to have those conversations with. I thought she'd be a good person to, due to her early losses, but I misjudged that 🤦‍♀️

I'm so sorry you're going through that.
I would obviously feel absolutely terrible if I asked that question and then discovered that.
Take care and very best wishes to you 💐

Thank you. I'm a bit of a ruminator unfortunately. I feel guilt very acutely, but also feel hurt very deeply, and both those things are in play here, so I'm struggling to let it go. I'm not sure if I should reopen the conversation with her to explain more etc. But, probably best to leave it. She seemed fine a few minutes later. It was me who kept dwelling on it, and I think it could make it worse if I bring it up again. I can't stop going over it. Hopefully it'll go eventually 🙏

Thank you. Oh, I already apologised at the time. Very sincerely. But, I also got a bit defensive I think, as I felt extremely hurt by the way she expressed her disapproval. I was frantically trying to explain that I had no idea she'd mind the question. I think I had a mini panic attack at the time, as I was so confused by the sudden change in tone etc.
She seemed angry rather than upset. Like she thought I should have known not to ask that question, but I sincerely had no idea.

Anyway, I'll try to get some more sleep. I feel quite panicky.
The combination of guilt and hurt feelings myself has done a bit of a number on me, but hopefully it'll go soon.

I'm sorry for your loss.

It would be an odd question to come out of nowhere (Unless talking to someone you know to enjoy interesting conversations that are more than just small talk) but perfectly appropriate in that context.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. There was no reason to expect your friend would be upset by the question. As she didn't like it, all you needed to do was to apologise for upsetting her and move the conversation on. No need to repeatedly apologise and no need to brood on it. I wouldn't bring up the situation with your friend and tell her that you were hurt. The conversation is over. Just move on.

I think your question was entirely appropriate in the context given and that it is healthy to be able to consider and process the concept of (ones own) death.

She had a big reaction, but that's "her stuff". Be kind to yourself, you have done nothing wrong.

Thank you all. Alas, sleep mostly eluded me. But, I've had a good chance to think it through.
I know I didn't mean any harm at all. I had no idea whatsoever that I said anything even slightly controversial under the circumstances. So, guilt is probably irrational. It's my default unfortunately.
I still feel very hurt by her (she actually didn't apologise for upsetting me either) so I'm wondering if she isn't the right friend for me to be confiding in at the moment? I've learnt it's not that kind of friendship, but that's OK. I need to be around very gentle souls atm, and I do have those people in my life. She isn't one, which I'm sure she can't help.
I'm sure the fact I got disproportionately upset by her reaction is also grief related. I probably shouldn't second guess that.
Thank you again x

Maybe her initial reaction was a bit much, but to be fair, she then changed the topic and hasn't brought it up since or shown any sign that she is still annoyed, or even that she remembers the conversation. And now you're thinking of cutting her off as a friend? That's a massive over reaction.

Oh no, not cutting her off at all. I wouldn't ever do that to a friend. Just not confide in her about about deep grief related stuff atm.

It's inappropriate, under normal circumstances, for that individual. But, given your current circumstances, you said what you said during an exceptional time. I think worry less about that person giving your grace and try to give yourself some grace. We all make mistakes and faux pas, from time to time, so there is no need to beat yourself up over this situation. I'm sorry for your loss x

I'm very sorry for your grief.

I'm not scared of death at all, I'm sad I'll be leaving earth and the people I love and my life but I'm not scared of death. I don't talk about death with people though as many find it upsetting, scary or uncomfortable. It's probably a conversation that's easier to have on forums as those who want to talk about it can and those that don't can avoid it.

I don't see anything wrong with that, its a friend surely the whole point of friends is you can talk to them about anything. I can't think of one thing that I would see as off limits to talk to a friend about.