Is asking if someone fears death considered inappropriate conversation?

[Unclassified]

I can't sleep mulling over something, and feeling very upset as well as guilty. But, also confused, as I meant it so innocently.
I lost my dad a few months ago, and I adored him, so am grieving, so naturally the subject of death, dying and the afterlife etc is on my mind a lot more than before.
I was talking to a friend about it and my dad, and we were chatting generally. I explained I have no fear of my own death, but really struggle with other people's deaths. I mentioned a close friend who is very scared of death and who doesn't like talking about it. In the context of the conversation, it seemed completely normal to ask her if she was scared of death. I can't tell you how innocently I asked this. I wouldn't have asked it randomly; it was completely in context. So, I was shocked when she reacted as she did. She made me feel so guilty for having asked it, as though it was very inappropriate. She wouldn't let it go when I said sorry, and that I felt guilty.
We changed the subject then, but I can't stop thinking about it. I'm extremely upset, as she knows how much I'm grieving, and I wish she could have given me a bit of grace. But, I also feel very guilty and troubled that I might have asked something very inappropriate without realising. To me, in that context, it honestly felt like a normal question. I've often been asked that question, and it never occurred to me that it was wrong.
I'm so upset, as said friend has often brought up subjects I don't like discussing and find triggering, but I haven't reacted like that, as I realised she didn't mean any harm, and didn't mean to touch a nerve. But, in reverse, I wasn't shown the same mercy or forgiveness. I'm wondering if I should talk to her about how hurt I feel?
Anyway, do you think it's a question that should never be asked? Be honest, but also please be gentle, as I'm feeling extremely fragile 😢

I think it's a really interesting question for an in depth discussion. Your friend was over sensitive.
Death needs to be discussed more if you ask me , so many people have no idea what to say to a grieving person or support them.

In a deep conversation between close friends I don't think it is inappropriate at all. Are there any cultural differences which mean talking about this is taboo for her? My husband is Russian and suicide for example is still a huge taboo in Russia and just doesn't get mentioned and the person who took their own life will often rarely be mentioned either.

Thank you so much for saying this. She really made me feel it was a universally inappropriate question to ask. Which left my head spinning, as people have asked me that question before over the years. I was less pertinent to me in the past, but I still thought it was a very normal question...

Funnily enough, a cultural difference, but not the way you mean - she's English, I'm Irish (lived in England most of my life) and definitely death is far less hidden in Ireland. Funerals are a national pastime, and most Irish people are pretty comfortable talking about death. I did wonder if it might partly explain the different attitudes?

I think she's being a bit silly. Everyone dies, it should be a normal topic of conversation. Sensitive, of course, depending on people's circumstances but definitely not something that is inappropriate to discuss.

@Unclassified Ah I see, well OP I am half Irish half Scottish so perhaps it is more easy to speak of in celtic cultures. As a teenager my friends mother died and her body was kept in the home for a few days prior to her funeral (we were both Catholic) and when I was in her house before going out we would go in to see the body and say goodbye and my friend would kiss her mum goodbye. Seemed normal but some have since found that story strange or morbid.

@hazelnutchoc thank you. Yes, open coffins are very common in Ireland. My dad actually had a closed coffin, as he was such a private person that it suited his personality better. But, it's common for sandwiches to be passed over an open coffin at the wake (the three days leading to the funeral itself) whilst the sandwich-munching mourners remark 'och, isn't she/he looking well' or similar. Death is demystified somehow in Ireland, and the community gathers to support the bereaved. I don't think the 'are you scared of death?' question would be taboo at all in Ireland. Sounds similar in Scotland?

Thank you! I'm glad you said it not me. But, to be honest, I found it very hard to relate to, and it didn't occur to me for a split second that it was inappropriate, especially given the context. Though, I of course respect that we're all different.

I’m genuinely sorry for your loss OP. Losing a parent hits very hard. And I’m sorry that the convo with your friend yesterday has affected you like this.

do you think it’s your grief which is making you dwell on this so much? Has it made you hesitant about talking with anyone else on the subject in case they react similarly? I hope not, and I hope you have people close to you who will listen to you as often and for as long as you need.

how old was your friend when her parents died? It possibly has a bearing on how she handles grief and the subject of death. So her reaction may be a little more understandable.

either way, you didn’t do anything wrong. And I don’t think she did either. You have different approaches on the subject and cleared the air after the conversation. If you can, I’d try to put it out if your mind.

Yes I don't want to be reminded I'm going to die, I know it will happen but if I think about it too deeply or discuss it I get alot of anxiety and feel physically sick.

@Unclassified I think so at least in Catholic circles and then many Catholics in Scotland have at least some Irish ancestry so its hard to say if it's the Irish Cultural influence or the Catholicism? A quick google suggests that Celtic cultures are more at ease with death than some other cultures. Interesting!

Aww, I'm so sorry. That sounds hard. I'd obviously be extremely sensitive talking about it round someone like you. Well, I'd avoid talking about it around someone I knew was so anxious about it.

Ah, that is interesting.

It’s not generally taboo in England either! It’s obviously a sensitive subject for her for some reason.

Thank you all so much for your posts. I'm definitely feeling more assured now that I didn't do anything wrong.
I'm still upset about it, and I'm very tearful today, for all sorts of grief-related reasons. It all feels very overwhelming...

Irish Scot too @Unclassified and while it's not common every day conversation, the topic of death isn't taboo here. Everyone (friends and extended family) knows each other's wishes in the event of their deaths, or in some cases terminal diagnosis. We didn't find that out by mind reading.

Personally found it very strange when a friend died and her English family just went home and carried on their normal day after the burial. Normally some would have gone back to work but couldn't due to the distance!

Very much an all day event is normal here, funeral followed by a meal/buffet and drinks, sharing memories and celebrating their lives. I've raised many a glass of drinks I don't like in honour of the dead, as per their request.

Ah thank you @BansheeOfTheSouth it's amazing how different funeral customs are between countries so close to eachother. Yes, my dad's funeral was all day, including the meal etc. We gave him a very good send-off, which was very well deserved.

She's being a drama llama and she needs to grow up. It was perfectly appropriate in the context of the conversation and most normal adults wouldn't be "triggered" (as they like to say these days) by the question.

@ginasevern thank you. That's what I needed to hear!

It doesn’t sound like it was inappropriate in the context of the conversation you were having.

Its normal to be a bit scared of death but it’s not inappropriate to talk about it with your pals, especially if you are grieving

You've hit the nail on the head. There is a cultural element involved here. I'm Welsh and have found attitudes to death in the English is particularly odd. Talking about death seems to be at the level of passing around pornographic pictures and discussing them - in front of children too! Now I've ended up in Scotland, after spending a couple of years in Dublin, I find a much more open attitudes to discussing death, which I prefer.

Yes, your friend is acting like a child OP.

Disagree on the cultural stuff- I'm English and wouldn't have found the question inappropriate at all, also can't imagine that many people I know would.

Obviously all this stuff is very personal and people have their own boundaries but your friend should have handled it with a lot more grace and just said that she felt uncomfortable. It's very strange and unkind that she made such a thing of it.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You've apologised and should now let it alone. In context it was not an odd question to ask. However, it was obviously upsetting to her and now it is over so forget it. Xxxxx