Is asking if someone fears death considered inappropriate conversation?

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I can't sleep mulling over something, and feeling very upset as well as guilty. But, also confused, as I meant it so innocently.
I lost my dad a few months ago, and I adored him, so am grieving, so naturally the subject of death, dying and the afterlife etc is on my mind a lot more than before.
I was talking to a friend about it and my dad, and we were chatting generally. I explained I have no fear of my own death, but really struggle with other people's deaths. I mentioned a close friend who is very scared of death and who doesn't like talking about it. In the context of the conversation, it seemed completely normal to ask her if she was scared of death. I can't tell you how innocently I asked this. I wouldn't have asked it randomly; it was completely in context. So, I was shocked when she reacted as she did. She made me feel so guilty for having asked it, as though it was very inappropriate. She wouldn't let it go when I said sorry, and that I felt guilty.
We changed the subject then, but I can't stop thinking about it. I'm extremely upset, as she knows how much I'm grieving, and I wish she could have given me a bit of grace. But, I also feel very guilty and troubled that I might have asked something very inappropriate without realising. To me, in that context, it honestly felt like a normal question. I've often been asked that question, and it never occurred to me that it was wrong.
I'm so upset, as said friend has often brought up subjects I don't like discussing and find triggering, but I haven't reacted like that, as I realised she didn't mean any harm, and didn't mean to touch a nerve. But, in reverse, I wasn't shown the same mercy or forgiveness. I'm wondering if I should talk to her about how hurt I feel?
Anyway, do you think it's a question that should never be asked? Be honest, but also please be gentle, as I'm feeling extremely fragile 😢

I’m sorry for your loss. It’s a weird conversation isn’t it, because majority of people want to stay alive.

For context, I nearly died in 2023, I genuinely thought that was it. And there were a few days I was floating in/out and I actually enjoyed it. I remember thinking, oh this must be what dying feels like. It was europhic.

I would fit into the “oh thats tragic” category as a young mum.

I’ve mentioned it to a few people since, my previous fear of an awful death, now totally reassured that when it comes, it’s ok. I’m not scared of dying now. But responses have been mixed, people don’t want to talk about it, my mother was openly horrified.

I think your friend is scared, but she should have shown you kindness.

I think you did nothing wrong at all. It’s a normal question in the context of a conversation about death. Obviously you struck some kind of nerve. I think you should try not to be hurt as she was obviously reacting from an emotional place too. But don’t blame yourself.

I’m the same OP where I’m not worried about dying but do worry about others death because I’ve experienced a lot of grief.

O wouldn’t find it a personal question if we were having the conversation and good friends. If I didn’t want answer I’d just say I wasn’t comfortable sharing my thoughts on that and change the subject.

It’s not so much the fact you asked or the fact she didn’t feel able to answer. It’s her unnecessary continuation of being unkind to you after you apologised.

Given I have technically died in that I had a cardiac arrest in 2019 I am not afraid of dying.
Fact is, she’s going to die. We all are. And getting upset about that isn’t going to change it.

No, I don’t think it’s inappropriate in the context of having a conversation about death with a friend. Obviously it’s not the sort of thing that you’d just say when you’re making small talk with people you don’t know or barely know … but even then I’d consider it more weird as opposed to inappropriate.

OK well fair enough, but still, you are the one that is dwelling on it, there is no need. She got annoyed for a minute but (as far as we know), she moved on and doesn't care at all. You said you weren't shown forgiveness but surely that's what has happened. Maybe it would better to show her forgiveness, by forgetting all about this. It's not like she said something cruel in relation to your situation or your dad.

No I don’t think it was inappropriate, the less taboo we make conversations about something none of us can avoid the better equipped we might be to deal with the loss of a loved one. I’m sorry for your loss grief is all consuming and it can change your perspective on many things.

Thank you all for the latest replies. Apologies for the delay, my phone ran out of battery, and busy morning.
The conversation was only yesterday. Hopefully it'll feel less raw later today or tomorrow. Worries like that tend to just last about 24 to 48 hours for me.
I'm glad most of you think I didn't say anything wrong, given the context x

I probably wouldn't ask anyone a question like that unless they were about to embark on some very risky activity where sudden and unexpected death might be a real possibility. Such as rowing the Atlantic single-handed, or pony trekking across Turkmenistan, or parachuting off the Eiffel Tower.

I would only find it intrusive/inappropriate if her dying was actually imminently on the cards. So if she is in her 80s or has cancer or some other life-limiting illness, yep that is a bit of an inappropriate question because it is so concrete.

Asking somebody in their 50s, in good health, if they are scared of dying in the abstract? I wouldn’t find that offensive.

Has she taken it as the first one and you meant it as the last one?

Clearly she fears it to such a degree as to be furious that anyone would even ask her the question.

I personally wouldn't have taken offence to that in the context you speak of. I'd be focussed on the fact you were discussing death as you were bereaved. And to join in and talk about it in a calm and rational way could be helpful to you.

If it was too much I'd reply with 'Yes.Terrified. In fact can we change the subject?' Rather than being angry with you.

You did nothing wrong, and those propagating a culture of death and dying being taboo really should try to stop.

There is only way outta here, and those anxious about death/living in denial are part of the problem.

No, not at all. I meant the second one, and she took it as the second one. I actually don't know what it is about the question that angered her. My best guess is that it's linked to early loss of parents, which could have triggered a fear of death? But, that's just a guess. But it might be that she thinks the question in general is off limits? Like some people think you should never ask someone their age. Whatever the case, I obviously feel very guilty, as I would never want to offend, annoy, anger or upset anyone. I normally take the utmost care to make sure I don't do any of the above; which is mostly why I was so upset.

I personally wouldn't care if I'm asked, but I probably wouldn't ask that question. You're grieving, you're vulnerable and sometimes shit happens.

You do now have a pointy stick though. So when she brings something up that is triggering for you. You can stop her and say that you find that topic as difficult as she did when you asked her about death that time.

Thank you so much for this comment. It really helped.
I agree on the whole. I think we need a national conversation about death and grief etc. I think it shouldn't be taboo, and talking can help take the fear away I think. But, obviously I'd always be sensitive if I know someone is terrified and I'd never ask if so. I obviously won't bring it up with said friend ever again.

It's not that I haven't forgiven her. I have. It's just that I've been feeling very upset about it, so it's taking me a little while to let it go. It's awful to be accused of not being careful enough with words, when I was being, and when that's something that really matters to me. I just had no idea it'd be a trigger for her, especially given the context.
Yes, she's let it go I think. I don't know. The conversation was yesterday. But, when I said she was unforgiving, I meant at the time. She ignored my initial apology and really laboured the point.
I found it very upsetting, as I meant no harm and am grieving hugely. Tbh it's left me feeling very low.

Yes i quite agree, in society's and culture's where it seems a more open and natural subject i get the impression that it is possibly easier to accept and grieve for your loved one and be less fearful of your own future when surrounded by like minded people .
I'm sorry for everyone grieving , I've been there and there's never a day when i don't think of my dad .
I don't think you were unreasonable at all OP.

Thank you so much @tsmainsqueeze that's very helpful x

I'm much more frightened of losing people than of my own death. I don't think we will know anything about our own death (in most cases) and it will be like going to sleep. I agree that it's a topic that shouldn't be taboo. My mum is very old and whenever she talks about dying I've noticed people stop her immediately. I would hate that in her position. I've not been alone with her when she's talked like that but I'm planning what to say if I am.

I think your friend is being a bit twatty. They know you are upset. They could simply say they didn't want to talk about it. Do they have form for bossing you around? Some people like to make things all about them. Other people like to boss others around. It could be your friend is one of those people. I wouldn't beat yourself up about this.

Thank you for this. Oh that must be very hard for you and your mum. It's good you're planning a chat.
I believe in the afterlife; but whether you do or whether you don't, I think there's a way to discuss death that is healthy and reduces fear. The reason I don't fear death is that I've only been alive on the planet a few decades. When I die, I'll go back to where I was before. It didn't harm me then and won't harm me on my return. It's just the other side of life, like taking off an old coat and going from one room to another. Not scary to me at all.
But, I know some people are very scared, and it must be crippling, as it's a total inevitability.
I can't bear loss and grief though, so I find losing others excruciatingly hard. No fear of my own death whatsoever.

Thank you. She doesn't always make things about her. But, yes, she can be a bit bossy. Also, I've noticed that if I'm worried about something I accidentally said or did that I thought was wrong or guilt-inducing, instead of reassuring me she tends to reinforce that it was wrong; saying things like 'let that be a lesson to you' etc. So, I often end up feeling quite guilty about things around her.
She is also lovely and supportive in many ways. But, she's definitely not the most sensitive of my friends. I'll be cautious what I confide in her going forward.

I’m not sure I want to discuss grief. My DM died and was very old and I didn’t feel grief at all. More relief and thanks for her wonderful life. As a result I’m not really interested in deep conversations about grief. Maybe your antennae were off with her. I would not be angry with you but I’d change the topic!

Fair enough. I'd be fine with someone changing the topic.

Well I guess you have your answer there.. she is so terrified of death she can't even have a conversation with a friend who is grieving.

I don't think its inappropriate at all. I've definitely asked friends this. This is entirely her issue not yours.