Is asking if someone fears death considered inappropriate conversation?

[Unclassified]

I can't sleep mulling over something, and feeling very upset as well as guilty. But, also confused, as I meant it so innocently.
I lost my dad a few months ago, and I adored him, so am grieving, so naturally the subject of death, dying and the afterlife etc is on my mind a lot more than before.
I was talking to a friend about it and my dad, and we were chatting generally. I explained I have no fear of my own death, but really struggle with other people's deaths. I mentioned a close friend who is very scared of death and who doesn't like talking about it. In the context of the conversation, it seemed completely normal to ask her if she was scared of death. I can't tell you how innocently I asked this. I wouldn't have asked it randomly; it was completely in context. So, I was shocked when she reacted as she did. She made me feel so guilty for having asked it, as though it was very inappropriate. She wouldn't let it go when I said sorry, and that I felt guilty.
We changed the subject then, but I can't stop thinking about it. I'm extremely upset, as she knows how much I'm grieving, and I wish she could have given me a bit of grace. But, I also feel very guilty and troubled that I might have asked something very inappropriate without realising. To me, in that context, it honestly felt like a normal question. I've often been asked that question, and it never occurred to me that it was wrong.
I'm so upset, as said friend has often brought up subjects I don't like discussing and find triggering, but I haven't reacted like that, as I realised she didn't mean any harm, and didn't mean to touch a nerve. But, in reverse, I wasn't shown the same mercy or forgiveness. I'm wondering if I should talk to her about how hurt I feel?
Anyway, do you think it's a question that should never be asked? Be honest, but also please be gentle, as I'm feeling extremely fragile 😢

You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is an issue for your friend. As youve said, her own losses are probably the reason for her reaction, but who knows, her reaction is her responsibility and for her to worry about. Try not to allow yourself to ruminate like this - it’s doing that which is causing your suffering. Think about it, it would be impossible to express our own thoughts in this world without accidentally offending someone. We have no idea really what life is like in other peoples minds.

More broadly, I think it’s very sad that talking about death can be offensive. Definitely appropriate to have sensitivity as it can bring up big feelings, but if we all conclude in ‘let’s never talk about it and pretend it’s not happening’, people suffer more as they age. It’s one of few things that unites us without exception, and it would be great if we could help one another prepare with discussions like you tried to have.

@Unclassified I've also had occasions where people, even friends, have assumed I meant to offend or upset them with things I've said. It baffles me.

Logically, if they think it was intentional then that must mean I'm an unpleasant person, or at least that they think I'm unpleasant. Yet when it happens the other way round, my thinking immediately goes like this: gosh, that was insensitive - but I know they wouldn't have meant it to be, why would they - so it's of course forgiven right now - and I won't say anything as then they'd feel bad, as they can't possibly have meant it unkindly.

Perhaps I'm just naive. Certainly in the past I've assumed people were friends when it later transpired that to them I was just an acquaintance. But when it happens with someone I've known decades and who willingly meets up with me, it is confusing. Sometimes it does feel a little like being toyed with, manipulated even. It also happened quite often in work contexts, though I guess that's more understandable as we don't get to choose our colleagues.

@TreesAtSea yes, it's very hard when others aren't as generous or gracious to you as you are to them.
I try to think the best of people when they upset me too. I always would assume it was accidental, and feel better thinking that way about them. I don't want to think it could be deliberate (I'm sure it rarely is)
and I wouldn't want to make people feel guilty. But, I might be naive in some instances?
But, I'd always rather think the best than being cynical. So, I think you're right.
Take care

Yes, totally inappropriate to ask. You were discussing around it, if that person was happy to share something so personal they would have done so. That being said, we all make mistakes and hopefully your friend will be ok once she has had a little time. Please don’t be too hard on yourself.