Is asking if someone fears death considered inappropriate conversation?

[Unclassified]

I can't sleep mulling over something, and feeling very upset as well as guilty. But, also confused, as I meant it so innocently.
I lost my dad a few months ago, and I adored him, so am grieving, so naturally the subject of death, dying and the afterlife etc is on my mind a lot more than before.
I was talking to a friend about it and my dad, and we were chatting generally. I explained I have no fear of my own death, but really struggle with other people's deaths. I mentioned a close friend who is very scared of death and who doesn't like talking about it. In the context of the conversation, it seemed completely normal to ask her if she was scared of death. I can't tell you how innocently I asked this. I wouldn't have asked it randomly; it was completely in context. So, I was shocked when she reacted as she did. She made me feel so guilty for having asked it, as though it was very inappropriate. She wouldn't let it go when I said sorry, and that I felt guilty.
We changed the subject then, but I can't stop thinking about it. I'm extremely upset, as she knows how much I'm grieving, and I wish she could have given me a bit of grace. But, I also feel very guilty and troubled that I might have asked something very inappropriate without realising. To me, in that context, it honestly felt like a normal question. I've often been asked that question, and it never occurred to me that it was wrong.
I'm so upset, as said friend has often brought up subjects I don't like discussing and find triggering, but I haven't reacted like that, as I realised she didn't mean any harm, and didn't mean to touch a nerve. But, in reverse, I wasn't shown the same mercy or forgiveness. I'm wondering if I should talk to her about how hurt I feel?
Anyway, do you think it's a question that should never be asked? Be honest, but also please be gentle, as I'm feeling extremely fragile 😢

Yes, I guess there are cultural differences, but obviously people are individuals too.
I personally think cultural attitudes to death are very different in Ireland; but obviously there'll be huge variation amongst English people.
Thank you for saying she should have been more gracious. I think so too. I'm still very upset to be honest. I can't pinpoint precisely what it is about it that's especially upset me and that I can't bounce back from - probably being made to feel slightly ashamed and guilty when I thought I said something normal and kind. I'm extra sensitive these days I know.

I personally don’t find it inappropriate at all. Especially as you say, in the context of the convo.
I think if it had been a colleague you don’t know too well or an acquaintance, then yeah, wouldn’t have been the right question but definitely fine to ask a friend. I suppose it also depends how close your friendship is.
on the whole though, I am very comfortable discussing death and wish others were too as unfortunately, it will happen to all of us.
I’ve read most of your replies but if you haven’t already, maybe pop a quick message over to the friend to check in and then leave it. You’ve done nothing wrong at all

It is fine and normal to discuss 'big questions' with friends. You have done nothing wrong.
Cruse Bereavement Support can be helpful: https://share.google/j7h6O6WYSaMLC37l7

I am sorry for your loss.

Haven't RTFT but, no, it wouldn't bother me. In fact a friend and I had a conversation about just this recently. We both went through the mill some years back with family bereavements, so it's a topic that still seems quite fresh to us.

It would bother me if I was very ill and if the person asking knew that. That doesn't sound like the situaton you describe, however.

I worry terribly too about upsetting people, even people who've treated me badly. I also know how it stings when someone ticks you off for something, when you have often bitten your tongue at their own behaviour.

Haven’t read the full thread. But death is something we need to get used to discussing. It is as inevitable as breathing. You were already discussing death, so it wasn’t as if it was a random ‘out there’ question. Don’t think about it any more OP. You did nothing wrong.

I would only find it inappropriate if I was terminally ill.

I think the question is fine in the right context. Must have triggered something for her

Thank you for all the recent replies. I think it's gradually on my mind a bit less. Thank you @TreesAtSea your last paragraph summed it up - both the strong desire to not upset anyone, and the hurt at the unfairness of it.

Anyway, I'll try hard not to think about it today 🙏

I would not want this sort of question. We none of us know what is happening in another person's life or what has happened in the past. I know I'm still traumatized by my mother sudden death when I was a child. I've found it hard to tell anyone about how it affects me, I've had counselling but it's hard. I've known since I was 11 about how death comes for us all., I don't need to be reminded, I really don't want to think about it. It's constantly there.

I don’t think it is a weird thing to ask a friend, especially given the context of the conversation. I would only think it inappropriate if there was a reason your friend has a reason for being concerned about their own mortality (such as an illness).

It seems to me like she overreacted at a time when you really needed her to be a friend.

Surely she could have just said, ‘it’s not something I like to talk or think about’ and you would have dropped it? Making you feel guilty for asking is just ridiculous x

I'm so sorry for your very early loss. That must have been so traumatic 💐
I've taken your comments on board. It's interesting to hear other people's thoughts, and I wanted genuinely honest answers. You expressed your thoughts clearly, but without being unkind or rubbing my nose in it, which I appreciate. Thank you.
I think, from this thread it does seem the majority of people would be fine with the question, especially in the context of the conversation; but obviously there will be exceptions to that, as with anything. I guess we can't know someone's sensitive spots until they've come up in conversation, and we've witnessed their reaction, that's the problem. I think that's where we all need to be gracious to eachother, and if someone accidentally brings up something we find hard, just gently explain we don't want to talk about it. I'm ridiculously sensitive about lots of things, so my tender spots are often pressed. But, unless someone's been deliberately mean (which they rarely are) I'd definitely not make a big thing of it, as I wouldn't want them to feel guilty. I'd just gently let them know it's a difficult subject for me.
Anyway, you take care

Thank you @AmberGreenwood . Lovely and helpful post ❤️

Hope you're feeling better this morning OP. I think you are good friends who trust each other and her saying'bloody hell don't ask me that' or whatever, is a straightforward answer to your question. Some people might not mind being asked but she did. End of.

My mother lost her parents young and it was a trauma to her to her dying day at 86 years old.

So I’m guessing in some way your innocent question opened up that trauma that your friend probably tries to keep hidden away. But a reopening of this old wound can result in very high emotions - and I think this may be what happened to her.

While stuck in this highly emotional state she would have been unable regulate what she said - so she would have been angry, distressed etc.

You say that she calmed down and didn’t refer to it again. She may have realised she’d been over the top, but would have been unable to talk about it because that would have meant opening up that wound again.

Id let it go if you can. You have a good friendship and I’m sure it will continue - good friends should always forgive each other. I understand your distress about bringing up a subject that made her react so strongly, but it’s impossible to get it right all the time. Forgive yourself for this.

Perhaps reframe this - an unfortunate reaction has given you an insight into how badly affected your friend is by her parents deaths. You can be a better friend to her now.

Hi @Unclassified I don't think you were inappropriate no. This is projection from your friend NOT something you've done wrong.

I lost my mum 60 days ago today suddenly without warning and I wish people were less afraid of talking about it. Only two people (other than two very close friends) have been brave enough to say anything at all to me, despite lots of people knowing what happened.

I keep that saying in mind that only two things are certain in life death and taxes and so I'm very confused having now experienced a very close loss why we don't talk about it more as a society. Its like a forbidden subject, which is so odd to me now because every single one of us has to die. It's just the fact of things.

It wouldn’t bother me you asking me that, and I have suffered a very recent family bereavement. Death is coming to us all and I actually think that talking about it can help alleviate worries anyway.

Even if you were asked that question, there is no duty to share your prognosis. Presumably you only would if you felt comfortable to do so. If you didn’t feel comfortable you could either say you’d rather not talk about this or answer still without sharing your medical details. I wouldn’t feel awful if my friend shared this information with me because it was their choice to share.

OP, you did nothing wrong in this context. You obviously hit a nerve with your friend who was unable to respond with grace. You’ve apologised and so now I guess it’s up to them where they want to go from here,

You may have accidentally stumbled on a tricky subject for her, for whatever reason, and she obviously didn't want to discuss it.

However, no, you have done nothing wrong so don't beat yourself up about it. She was already willingly in a conversation about death due to your recent bereavement, so it was a completely understandable question.

Sorry for your loss xx

In addition, to maybe help understand your friend maybe - if I think about myself dying I do get a little bit panicky, but only because I have 2 small children. My mind jumps to INCREDIBLE sadness and stress about them growing up with no mum and that they wouldn't even remember me. So I guess it's an understandable anxiety of dying right now? As I and my children get older that may well change?

Yes, I totally understand that. I guess if I was asking someone if they fear death, I'd mean it in an abstract, many-years-ahead,-in-old-age sense. I wouldn't be referring to imminent death; and as others have said, I'd never ask someone terminally ill or obviously near death that question. No way.
But, I guess the way we ask a question isn't always the way it's received.
Funnily enough, though I have zero fear of death itself, I very much get troubled by the thought of the grief of those left behind. That's a separate question in my thinking.
Said friend doesn't have young children. I don't know exactly why she was so annoyed by the question. I'd actually love to know, but no way will I ask, as I now see it as a forbidden subject for her.
Thank you for your input.

Actually one thing this has taught me is that I'm almost allergic to the idea of offending someone. I find it literally unbearable if someone accuses me of saying the wrong thing or whatever.
I probably need to work on that, as, with the best will in the world, it's probably impossible to avoid accidently offending or annoying someone sometimes...
I need to find strategies to be more realistic - still do my best to never offend, but be able to quickly recover if I've accidentally got it wrong.
I don't know how common this is?

You don't know she may have had a bad diagnosis recently or someone she knew had a terrible fear of death and died a terrible death. Talking about people dying can be very upsetting. Talking about your Dad and your grief is expected and mostly perfectly OK but delving into the realms of other people's deaths and fears would overstep for many people.

I'm like this too, although apparently I come across as a highly confident, no-nonsense type, which is nothing like how I feel inside. So I imagine it may be more widespread than is commonly thought.

I think I actually find being misunderstood worse than someone just taking offence. After all, if someone takes issue with something I've said or done, then I have to accept that that's their response and that, whatever my intention was,
I have had a certain effect on them. But being blamed/disliked for something I didn't actually do/say is worse. As I mentioned in my previous post, then the unfairness of the situaton becomes paramount.

Have you heard of RSD, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? Some people see it as a controversial concept, or plain don't believe there is such a thing, but it may be relevant to what you experience, if you take the term "rejection" in a wider sense. Many see it as common with some neurodivergent conditions. Speaking of RSD, a woman on another thread mentioned that she genuinely felt suicidal after a misunderstanding earlier that day at the gym - it really can be psychologically crippling for some people.

I need some strategies myself so can't be much help in that regard, I'm afraid. Good luck with untangling it all - that in itself is an important step.

Thank you @TreesAtSea . Yes, I can't bear being misunderstood. Gosh that poor poster on the other thread. I didn't read that thread. I wouldn't say misunderstandings or undeserved allegations have ever made me suicidal; but definitely caused me many a sleepless night, stolen my appetite and made me ill.
I actually think my main upset about the question and said friend's reaction was the misunderstanding aspect. Said friend thought it was inappropriate etc; but from my point of view I was being very careful and inclusive etc. She seemed to think I'd know it was inappropriate, but said it anyway, and knowingly crossed a boundary; but not in the slightest, least way did it even occur to me that it was inappropriate. Very frustrating and upsetting to be so misunderstood. In addition to feeling guilty.
So, how people ever recover from really serious misunderstandings that have ended relationships, or worse still, people falsely accused of crimes they'd never commit, I do not know. Maybe they don't ever recover till the day they die?
Yes, I've heard of RSD. I've heard it's common in women with ADHD. I've not been diagnosed, but often think I might have Inattentive ADHD.
I'm sorry you also struggle with the endless quest to never offend, and the horror at being misunderstood - it's very tiring I know. You take care x

I think talking about death is something we should all do, since we are all going to die, as is every single person we know, and I can't imagine how it can be inappropriate in the context you describe. However, English society in particular seems to have developed a taboo around death and its rituals, based on the many funeral threads here on Mumsnet.