3yo DD says she's a boy

[mumtoa3yo]

I know MN is generally not a very trans-supportive space but posting here in case anyone has any experience.

My 3yo DD says she's a boy and has done for as long as I can remember. She has an older brother she adores, and I wonder if it's more idolisation of him (she even says she wants us to have another baby now, as she's the age her brother was when she was born, so that she can "be a big brother") or if there's actually something that might be gender-diverse for her.

She says she wants a short haircut like her brother but when I show her images of haircuts (for boys or girls), she doesn't want a boy cut but will pick something like a bob. She plays equally with boys and girls at nursery and has a variety of play interests (loads of pretend play, duplo, puzzles, play doh, outdoor play, but also lots of caretaking of animals and dolls, giving them bottles, breastfeeding them), and she does also model what her big brother does (he is very typically "boy," cannons, sword fighting etc.). Her clothes are mixed, she wants some old clothes of her brothers but also wants lots of pink and purple unicorns, rainbows, glitter (although refuses anything with frills or hearts!)

Has anyone gone through this? I sort of suspect that when she starts reception she might have more peer pressure and the glow of her big brother will fade a bit, but I also want to support her and let her know she is loved regardless.

Why wouldn't a 3 year old be given the correct names for their body parts?

My sons used to love watching a program about the RSPCA. One son said “When I grow up I want to an RSPCA man”. My then 3 year old said “When I grow up I want to be a bat.” That’s how much they understand at 3!

When I was younger - primary age- most of my friends were boys because of where we lived. I thought boys were wonderful, I liked “boy” activities like cycling, climbing trees etc and although I knew I was a girl I always wanted short hair and wore trousers rather than skirts. I loved being mistaken for a boy and took it as a compliment, but I knew I wasn’t a boy. The thought never crossed my mind or my parents mind. I grew up into a perfectly normal woman. I shudder to think what might happen to a “me” equivalent these days!

Your child is far too young to have any secure knowledge of what a boy or girl is.

She could easily say she is a dinosaur, horse or cat.

It is utterly ridiculous to spend any time over thinking this.

You just say 'lovely' and carry on with your day.

I was very like this as a child. I think it's because I only had a brother and then read a lot of the Famous Five. If it was nowadays I reckon my parents would've been concerned. Anyway, I grew out of it around year 3 and as an adult I am absolutely not trans or ever had any question of my gender identity. This personal experience has definitely coloured my views on how this sort of thing should be regarded in children. At age 3, this literally bears no relation to the broader debate about trans issues, gender etc. I wouldn't worry. Not that there would be much of this on Mumsnet (!) but you could absolutely inadvertently make things worse for your child by being too understanding and making this a bigger thing than it is.

I was a very boyish girl, played with boy's things, with my brother and his friends boys...had short hair due to my father's control most of my teenage years....even thought how nice would be if I was a man and did not have to fight the fact I am actually a copy of Vivien Lee and men don't leave me alone. Vivien Leigh with massive tits. Nah...woman my dear, woman

I know MN is generally not a very trans-supportive space but posting here in case anyone has any experience

Course you are love. Fuck me, the human race is doomed.

Is this post genuine?
Talking about different sexes with a 3 year old.
And advising OP not to mention transgender to her now at 3?
Who the fuck would mention to a 3 year old what transgender means anyway.
Maybe i'm living in a parralel universe

Completely agree, kids have been pretending to be the opposite sex since time immemorial. Not all of them, but a significant minority. My own niece insisted she was a boy, wanted boys clothes, the same haircut as her older brother, wanted everyone to say she was a boy. I really don't know the explanation, I'm not a psychologist, but it does commonly happen. It wore off before she hit teenage and she's now married with 2 dc.

A friend's child identified as a dog. For years. He wore a dalmation costume that he got for a fancy dress party and then would never take it off. He lived in it. When he grew out of it they had to buy another in a bigger size. He even, for a short time, wanted to eat his dinner from a dish on the floor. He's grown up now and has 2 dc and he doesn't think he's a dog any more, unsurprisingly.

It just all makes me a bit wearisome of the overreaction to childhood flights of fancy. Your 3 year old wants to be a boy, so either whoosh her off to a psychologist or start the poison of trans ideology.

Why not just use your common sense?

It's not that uncommon. It never has been particularly uncommon.
My dh (now ex, but nothing to do with this) was an only child and had an
'imaginary friend' as a small child. This isn't uncommon in only children.
I'd heard about 'imaginary friends' before, so. . .
I asked him about it and questioned him closely, from curiosity, and he says he could see him, and talk to him. It was a 'real' other child there with him.
He could describe this other boy and his clothes, he could 'see' him.
He maintains that this imaginary friend manifested as a real child who he could see and talk to. I know. Weird.

However, now he's a grown up he knows it wasn't real and comfortably puts it down to having a dull house and nobody to play with.

I was recently in a cheapy bookshop called 'The Works' I'm sure you're all familiar. Maybe. A woman came in with a tiny boy, maybe about 2ish, and he was transfixed by some sparkly windmills on a stick and his Mum let him hold it for a bit. But then said, "I'll get you something, but that's a girl's toy so we can't have that"

I was feeling a bit bold so I chucklingly intervened and said "No it's not a girl's toy, it's a child's toy. I stopped short of offering to buy it for him although I was sorely tempted.

I'm pretty old I suppose, 70+ but I have 2 daughters who were brought up with Lego and toy cars and garages and diggers and plenty of boy stuff - alongside ballet tutus and sparkly stuff and dancing classes.

I think they appreciated both. They both have MsC in maths now but that comes from their Mathematician Dad. I left school at 15 to work in a clothing factory In Leeds.

I maintain that they get their brains from their Dad.
They must have. I still have mine.

You are describing stereotypes. We can conform to the stereotypes associated with our sex or not to any extent we please. Our sex doesn't change depending on which stereotypes we choose to ignore or conform to.

Nip it in the bud before some weirdo teacher grooms her into their woke ideology. Tell her she's not a boy.

She loves her older brother and wants to do the fun thing he does so you should definitely lie to her that she can change sex, make all the rest of the children in her class be required to lie to, throw safeguarding out the window, buy black market drugs that give her osteoporosis, lower her IQ, and sterilise her, get her a mastectomy why she is 16 and put her on testosterone that will destroy the rest of her health.

OR you can tell her that she can’t change sex, that she is a girl but she can still do the fun things boys her age do. That there is nothing about being a girl that means she has to have long hair, not wear blue or not play football.

My DS identified as a dog at that age (specifically Marshall from Paw Patrol).
He now identifies as an annoying teenager 😁.
Stop giving this any more headspace, you’re way overthinking it.

Don't overthink it. My DD wanted to be a boy, had very short hair for years, wore trousers for school uniform all through primary school. The only really difficult bit was when she insisted on wearing only her brother's hand-me-downs and he had worn through some of his clothes so I never had quite enough. I never said that she couldn't be a boy, or that she could, I just never really commented at all. The clothes and hair thing was her choice to make. I sort of missed the early years when she was my little dress-up doll, but once she started speaking she had strong opinions and I enjoyed that too.

She's a young adult now and had gorgeous long hair. I think a lot of the hair thing was not liking the amount of care needed as her hair is part afro, once she was old enough to not need me to care for it and could do it herself she let it grow. She still doesn't wear girls' clothes, she mostly wears sports wear and will wear a suit for formal things like weddings, but she definitely looks like a girl.

Don’t overthink it. Children are still trying to understand the world at that age and have very little grasp of what things actually mean. My child used to say he was a girl/wanted to be. Now he’s older he’s fine with being a boy. Just raise her to know that things aren’t boxed into boy/girl things and she can wear whatever she wants and play with whatever toys interest her.

Isn't what you described just her personality and preferences??
My DS5 is obsessed with unicorns and rainbows, is he suddenly a girl? No he's a boy who loves unicorns.
Its so simple at this age, you're really overthinking it. You just tell her that boys have a willy and girls don't. I really don't understand why the thought of transgender would even entered your head?!!

Thank you for the replies, I didn’t expect so many. And thank you to everyone who answered my question sharing their experience with similar situations.

To be clear, I haven’t said anything to DD about being trans, my question is more about gender identity and expression in this age. DS was always very boyish (still is) so this has surprised me. I don’t believe girls or boys have any different activities (I was also a bit of a tomboy who idolised my brother, but my mum is no longer alive so I can’t ask whether I claimed to be a boy!)

Whats striking to me about DD is that she has very consistently said she’s a boy, a brother , etc, since about as long as she could talk. She does also say she is a fox or dinosaur or farmer but that changes whilst the being a boy bit stays. I’m not trying to push her in any particular direction, or concerned about what toys or games she plays with but rather want to support her.

Also, yes, we do use anatomically correct language for genitals at home (penis and vulva, breast, nipples) - this is encouraged to reduce stigma and make children less vulnerable, and is now standard in many schools (for example see here: www.rightdecisions.scot.nhs.uk/media)

One of my boys said he was Spider-Man when he was 3, pretty sure he wasn’t so I never put him in the spider man labelled box! He never did get web shooters either!

She is three years old. No, she isn't a boy. No, she can't become one. It is very easy to negotiate this as a parent: tell her the truth.

Oh this was my niece from the ages of about 3-10. She had short hair and tried to pee standing up. She wore only ‘boy’ clothes and any avatar she made on games was a boy. She was also always the dad in made up games and said she wished she was a boy. My sister always reiterated that she could wear her hair how she liked, dress how she liked, play how she liked and really broke down those stereotypes of what are ‘girl things’ and ‘boy things’ as much as she could with her to make her feel comfortable with who she was. Although she did have to be firm with the weeing standing up. Now niece is a teenager who still doesn’t wear dresses but loves to have long, carefully styled hair, wears make up and has a boyfriend and very happy in her skin. It’s totally normal for kids to explore who they are - they need to be celebrated for who they are and not told they need to be something they’re not just because they like things out of the stereotypical box.

She's just saying she's a boy because of her brother I expect. Remember, she has very little life experience and won't remember much. It's just play. Girls and boys don't really split into favouring one sex over the other until they are about six. Then you tend to see boys playing together and girls playing together. Until them, a difference in sex really doesn't mean anything to them.

Part of her constantly saying she's a boy is her testing the response. If you're being wishy washy about it she's going to keep saying it because she needs a solid boundary. The answer is 'you are a girl, not a boy'. She may test the answer several times and then she'll just accept it. Assert the truth.

This is typical behaviour and imagination. My DD quite often insists she's a boy because she adores her big brother and wants to be like him. But on other days she might be a dog, frog, unicorn, doctor or like all day today, a witch.

Mine thought he was a girl but he grow out of it when he started school and got a short haircut. I’m not remotely anti trans, quite the opposite, just sharing what happened with us.

She isb3. It is typical 3 year old behaviour to identify as anything and everything. She is not trans she is just 3.

At 3 my dd thought she was a train in Chugginton and that Upsey Daisy was her best friend.

She is 3! The age of imagination and role play and mimicking the ones you love. That is all and you are massively over analysing this. A 3 yr old who adores her big bro and wants to be like him, just like my son adored his big sister at that age and happily let her dress him in all her old dresses and jewellery. It’s totally normal.