Uncomfortable situation involving adult child's partner

[TenTenTenAgain]

My adult son has been with his gf for 4 years. She is from another country and is here on a student visa. They live together.

I've met her 3 times in 4 years , she is always invited to family gatherings but frequently refuses for various reasons. I feel like I don't know her and only recently learned her real name , she uses an English name due to pronunciation issues. The last time I saw her she was very rude , she shamed my son and mocked him about his job. He works ft and earns an average wage for a young man of his age.

They've asked me to sign a letter stating that they live together as a married couple for her new visa , as she's no longer a student. And put pressure on me to do so within a few hours. I said that I needed more information and asked her some questions , the last one of which was about how she sees the future with my son. She didn't respond and apparently phoned my son shouting about me being rude and throwing accusations at her. She then blocked me on social media.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

I'm confused and concerned. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

Of course OP 'dislikes' her if she is refusing to make any kind of basic polite effort with OP. This strange young woman wants what she wants, a visa. The son is probably collateral damage.

Keep in mind if she can’t get her visa your son might go to here country and you’ll be even further away. I get where you’re coming from but maybe interrogating her (and that’s how she will see it and frame it) was not the best move in the long run.

Personally I’d do a strategic retreat and sign it so at least my son is close. Also him saying he’s going to have words and they have a lot to talk about probably doesn’t mean much as she seems to have him under her thumb as it is - based on what you’ve said. Two sides to every story and all, but that’s how I’d see it.

I have similar caring obligations and can still manage to see my other children for lunch or coffee occasionally. Do they live very far away? Regardless she has attended family get togethers and is a four year fixture in your son’s life. If people asked you if he was single, would your answer be “yes”? I think you are hoping her visa application falls through. I’d imagine if it does your son will move to be with her in her country. Is that what you are hoping? Honestly you are being very short sighted because if you can’t make the effort to see them now it’s going to be nigh on impossible then.

I make more effort with my blooming neighbours than OP's son's 'partner' with her supposed in-law family.

I wouldn't be terribly surprised if the next step is a wedding, to which of course OP won't be invited.

Shes a stranger to you, I would've just said no i dont even know her, because you dont, people get offended at the word no, too bad, why should you just do as people request, i had a new neighbour who asked me to write her a job reference, didnt even know her first name, she was not happy I said no, oh well.. no amount of pleading would make me change my mind.

So she needs to know how often they have sex? Is that what makes the difference between living together and as married? That's nobody's business especially her bf's Mum!

I'm sorry but they live together and are a couple..why can't she just say that? She doesn't have to lie. If they have no other proof like join utilities it might not be enough anyway.

I think you need therapy. You have a very unhealthy mindset.

So DS girlfriend has completed her studies (or not), but eitherway has no established job or means of supporting herself? If she did she could easily obtain a graduate visa.

Instead she most likely relies on DS job, which she openly mocks, to support her.

I wouldn't be signing anything. The last thing we need is another non citizen, with no means of supporting themselves, draining valuable resources.

Thank you all for responding. I can see that I could've handled it better , I have no desire to push my son away and I could easily have done so here.

I'm going to focus on keeping in touch with my son. I fear he'll need support from his family on this situation one day. The door is also open for his gf to get in touch if she wishes to. I've told him this.

Were you trying to control her and get her to toe the line by holding the possibility of her being deported over her head?

They can ask someone they treat with respect to sign the letter in my view.

It doesn’t sound that they gave OP that definition - and if she’s only met gf 3 times she knows they live together and not much.

The fact their initial letter said she comes to family functions seems odd.

OP, it read to me that your son wants to talk to his gf about her treatment of you? Or is it about if they want you in their lives? I’d work to make sure your son knows you are always there for him and probably give the letter you wrote yourself. If he is being abused you want him to know he can always come home

But she was asked to sign a letter that said much more than that. She would have been signing something that made claims that she knows to be untrue, or has no knowledge of.
If they'd asked her to sign a letter that simply said that they have lived together for four years, she'd have had no reason to refuse.

No.

This is the part that makes it impossible for OP to sign the letter in good faith. It sounds like the GF does not regularly attend family functions and is not seen as part of the family.

What a ridiculous comment. She SHOULD be deported if she has no job prospects or means of supporting herself since her visa expired.

Guaranteed she doesn't have a job here, because if she crumbles into a fit of rage after being asked a question like 'future plans', she'll have zero resilience or ability to manage an interview process.

The drafting of a letter by them and then essentially asking you to rubber stamp it is not acceptable. I would not sign a document that had been written for me by someone else unless that someone else was my lawyer.

In your position, as others have said, I would write a short factual document saying that your son has informed you that he has been living with x for four years, but not expressing anything (positive or negative) aside from that.

@TenTenTenAgain she could be using him, she shouldn’t be belittling his work and equally, you don’t know what abusive traits he may have learned from his Dad. It doesn’t sound like a good relationship and you can’t be sure based on the level of engagement with you. Hopefully he/they are looking at their relationship. The fact he apologised shows he knows they put you in a difficult spot.

I don't think YABU.

Recently I had to right a statement for a friend for a very high stakes family court custody hearing. I was completely honest in what I wrote. I also took the opportunity to gave my friend a bollocking and unsolicited advise on better safeguarding her DC seperatley to the statement (I wasn't the only friend who did this). If i was expected to be involved in her legal case then my friend had to accept that i'd have an opinion on it.

I think your response to this situation is similar and reasonable.

Do not allow them to write this letter on your behalf, say you will write the truth as you know it and only write factually not opinion, and sign it, it is a legal document, to do otherwise is fraud. If they then choose to use it that is up to them. I don't think having a conversation about the relationship which you are being asked to be a legal reference to is expecting too much.

For goodness sake ofc you shouldn't have signed it.

The facts are that you have met her 3 times in 4 years. She has no interest in getting to know you and when you asked a reasonable question, she reacts by shouting and blocking. These aren't the actions of someone genuine or sincere.

Posters can twist themselves inside out trying to explain her behaviour, but it is clear that she has an agenda that isn't aligned with any good faith or honesty.

Alongside the mocking of the OP's son, I would say that this young woman is a massive red flag. If the sexes were reversed and it was a man from abroad, behaving in the same way as this woman, the responses would be overwhelmingly in support of the OP.

Can I suggest that you read all of the OP's updates before you post such batshit rubbish. She is being asked to lie about someone she hardly knows.

And stop projecting your own agenda.

The sheer audacity of you to call the Op 'batshit' when you've posted the most batshit post I've ever seen on Mumsnet 😂.

This woman is using your son and is now trying to use you. See has had a temper tantrum because you won't sign the letter that will help her stay in this country. Sign that letter and she will disappear faster than lightning.

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OP, as a mother, I too would be concerned that a woman who has been in my son’s life for 4 years, I’ve only seen 3 times has asked me to sign a letter so she can stay here. In MN world only men can be abusive an coercive. Go with your gut. Try to speak to your son when she’s not around.