How can I support my teenage son feeling self conscious about height vis a vis girls?

[LowryPicasso]

NC for this. So, 15.5 year old DS is a great kid - smart, funny, engaging. Is on a lot of sports teams etc. Also a PITA obviously, he's a teen, but he's got loads going for him.

He's always been one of the smallest - although in the past 7 months he's grown a lot and is now just shy of 5ft 7'. He's got no facial hair yet, or underarm hair, so I'm assuming there's more growth in the tank. Or not. Whatever.

He's got lots of girls as friends, but the ones he like have wanted to stay friends. One, who he REALLY liked, said the girls at school think he's one of the best looking but he's too short for them.

I find this so upsetting on his behalf. It's brutal! He says that it's a thing. He moves between feeling resilient and resigned about it to feeling a bit upset, I think. More and more of his friends are hooking up and whilst I don't care - I'd actually prefer him to wait - I don't want him to internalise it and make himself feel bad.

So, what can I do to help and support him? I tell him all the time how great he is etc, and how school is tough, and it will happen for him. But he's like yeah, yeah, heard it before etc

Oh, this is heartening. Good for your son!

I think dating apps and their 'height filter' is outrageous. I think social media feeds the machine.

it's so tough for teens now, I think. The pressures are intense.

Some of the best sex I ever had was with a man who, at 5ft 8, was only an inch taller than me. Not all women care about height, I never have

What’s his estimated adult height range based on the mid parental height calculation? Also when he started puberty will influence how much more he grows, it sounds like he might have been a mid to late starter.

The phrase is “small man syndrome” or a napoleon complex, do you find those less objectionable? It is a thing though, most short men I have met are really chippy and OTT. If he is nice and a decent person then he will find a girlfriend. The reality is some will dismiss him, but would he want to be with someone so shallow anyway?

It really is. With the height filter, social media and manosphere nonsense there’s no wonder teens struggle with their mental health.
How tall are you and DS’s Dad? I think that’s a good indicator.

He could still grow up to age 21, he isn't short for his age imo, but some of the other boys might have had growth spurts and be a bit ahead of him. Being generally liked by girls is a really good start, but they are all a bit shallow at that age. He probably only fancies the prettier of the girls, which might be a bit unfair too, but that's how it goes.

My son is the same age and he’s about 5’7-5’8. He is by far the smallest amongst his friends who are all way over 6ft. He’s got a real complex about it. I think he’s probably finished growing now tbh, he’s had underarm hair and facial hair for about a year. He also broke his hand about 3 months ago and on the x-ray his growth plates had fused which I think also means no more growth.

Im only 4ft 10 so he’s never going to be massive, but his older brother is over 6ft so he’s desperate to be tall like him.

My OH is 5'6 and it doesn't bother me (I am also short though). I love that it doesn't bother him either, he'll play up to it and dress as a hobbit at fancy dress etc, I find it really attractive that he's not a big beefy macho bloke
There are a lot of short women in the world!

It’s important he knows that everyone is somebody’s cup of tea but nobody is attractive to everyone. Everybody goes on about Tom Hardy but I wouldn’t give him a second look (in fact we were in the same place once and I didn’t notice him).

Young people are idealistic about everything, including what they expect their partners to look and be like. I had a huge list of criteria at 15 lol! It took a few years to mature enough to realise what was inside mattered so much more than height or eye colour or clothes. Someone will find your DS very attractive, it sounds like he is a nice looking lad. He’s just young so has a small sample size currently.

Late starter for sure and about 5ft 9" or maybe even 5ft 10? But he really did start much later.

I'm sorry you've met such irritating short men. FWIW I've dated lots of tall men who are pricks. Swings and roundabouts, I guess.

My 15 year old is about 5ft 7 as well and he isn’t the shortest of his friends, equally some of them are much taller (he’s lucky that he is in a school with a lot of Asian children who tend to be slightly shorter on average). He’s still growing though but based on DH and me he should be about 5ft10 which I think of as totally normal for a man, pretty tall compared to most women.

Boys don’t stop growing at 15 so I’m sure he’ll get taller. Is he sleeping well, getting good nutrient rich food, getting some sunlight? These are all things my son is doing to ensure he reaches his maximum genetic potential. He has a big glass of milk every day, yogurt, cheese, nuts and plenty of protein. He also sleeps around 8 -9 hours a night as this is when the growth hormone is released (apparently!)

Also my dad is 5ft 6 and has been happily married to my 5ft3 mum for 55 years!

He eats a lot of protein, I make everything from scratch, and make sure he's very fuelled and sleeps a lot.

What will be will be - it's just tough right now, when everything is so superficial

Talking to men I’ve dated and male friends, height is still a strict requirement for most women. I can understand not wanting a man shorter than them, but I don’t get demanding 6ft +. Surely just taller is fine.

Boys do grow later than girls and it doesn't sound like he's finished puberty yet. Average height for a 15 year old boy is 169cm which I think is just under 5'7" and average for an 18 year old is 175cm which is just under 5'9".

Sounds like he will just be an average height man!

I guess that’s true for really shallow women but I don’t know anyone who would think like that. How embarrassing to be seen to be so simple minded 😁

I'm 5ft10 or slightly over and I hated being tall in school as lots of the boys were smaller. By 16/17 most had caught up! I ended up marrying a man who is 5ft8. Height really doesn't matter once you really fancy someone. Nothing you can do other than just build up his confidence in other ways. It could be that he's oblivious to the other girls who actually like him

I would say that is short for a 15 year old boy.

I really worry about this for my son. He has full body radiation at 11 for leukaemia, which will affect his height, although we have no idea by how much.
He's currently 4"6' and almost 14. He was in the 2nd percentile last time I checked. He hasn't gone through puberty yet, so we're really hoping that he will start to grow when that happens. But there's also a chance the radiation has affected the growth plates in his spine, which means he might not grow much more at all! Which would be devastating.
I'm not trying to make this into a who's situation is shitter competition (which it might sound like!), but I really get the worry over the height thing. Especially for boys.

Yes I know what you mean, it’s tough if he’s in an environment that puts a lot of emphasis on looks etc.
Someone upthread talked about confidence and this is very true. I was friends with a boy at university who was about 5ft6 who had incredible luck with women because he looked them in the eye, listened to them, made them feel important and was a genuinely lovely guy. Very happily married now of course.

My son was only 5’6 at this age. He’s 21 now and 6’2. His bone plates are still open so he’s not done growing yet.

It absolutely shouldn’t matter if a man is on the short side. But sadly, to so many women, it does. My son was terribly self conscious about being the smallest in his group. Ironic that he’s now one of the tallest.

It's average.

This gives me a lot of hope! :)

I'm so sorry that your son (and by default, you) went through this. That's horrendous. Wishing him the very best