How can I support my teenage son feeling self conscious about height vis a vis girls?

[LowryPicasso]

NC for this. So, 15.5 year old DS is a great kid - smart, funny, engaging. Is on a lot of sports teams etc. Also a PITA obviously, he's a teen, but he's got loads going for him.

He's always been one of the smallest - although in the past 7 months he's grown a lot and is now just shy of 5ft 7'. He's got no facial hair yet, or underarm hair, so I'm assuming there's more growth in the tank. Or not. Whatever.

He's got lots of girls as friends, but the ones he like have wanted to stay friends. One, who he REALLY liked, said the girls at school think he's one of the best looking but he's too short for them.

I find this so upsetting on his behalf. It's brutal! He says that it's a thing. He moves between feeling resilient and resigned about it to feeling a bit upset, I think. More and more of his friends are hooking up and whilst I don't care - I'd actually prefer him to wait - I don't want him to internalise it and make himself feel bad.

So, what can I do to help and support him? I tell him all the time how great he is etc, and how school is tough, and it will happen for him. But he's like yeah, yeah, heard it before etc

I’m tall, DH is tall, my daughters are tall - my son is young in his year and was shorter than me until about 3 months ago - he’s not yet 16 but has grown 4/5 inches in as many months. Still like a rake, no bum fluff - I assume there’s more tall to come.
I’ve dated shorter than me men and loads who are the same size as me. It makes no odds really once you’re out of school and college.

I was late to puberty, periods at 16, still growing at 19. I was one of the smallest girls in the year at 15, but I am 5’8” now. My brother was smaller than your ds at 15, also no facial hair, but he ended up 6’1”.
Your ds definitely has more growing to do by the sound of it, and he isn’t particularly small at the moment. He will probably grow until 19, while the girls will mostly have stopped growing now, so it will balance out.

Also this. I really don’t care much about height in men, DH is the same height as me.

Most young woman I know think height is important and if are attractive enough to be in a position to chose would chose a tall guy
Similarly, most young men I know feel the same about a woman’s weight and conventional prettiness - if they bring enough to the table in an ideal world and could choose of course.

I was fat when I was younger so 💯 accepted shorter guys into my dating pool (as they did me I guess ) and married a 5’9 man, also overweight.
in my 40s when I divorced I was slim so dated taller as I could and married a tall, fit conventionally attractive man 6.2 who I find physically way more attractive if im
honest/

Teach your son to open his own mind to girls based on their personalities who may have their own hang ups like he does /be it weight, braces, acne etc.
If your son has his sights set on the hottest, prettiest,alpha females in his year I imagine at this age and for some years to come he may be left wanting .

A lesser known scientific fact is the hormone for growth is released when you are asleep. Especially in deep sleep.

I’ve been (am going ) through this with DS.
he’s now 18 and 5 ft 5. Has been on the 9th centile since birth. Always about 2 years behind his peers, always the smallest.
he has gone through puberty, shaves etc. I don’t know how much growth he has left in him.
thr only thing I can say is to try to build your son’s confidence in other areas. My boy is pretty self assured though we have had some awful times with him worrying about his height. It has seemed to get better as he’s got older.

That’s a pretty embarrassing thing to admit out loud. Most intelligent women choose personality over looks for a long term relationship because all looks fade over time and there is no evolutionary advantage to being 6ft over 5ft5 these days.

I suppose this explains the divorce rate though, if people marry for shallow reasons, they’ll divorce for them too.

My gorgeous clever funny 30yodd has a bf she adores - and he's not as tall as 5'7 and definitely not as tall as her.

That was for older generations. Young people are much taller on average.

@Imanexcellentdrivercharliebabbit do you realise how offensive and contradictory your post is?

In one paragraph you say you had to accept a short husband because you were fat, and therefore had to take whatever you could. Then as soon as you were slim, you were able to upgrade to a better (tall) model.

Then you say that parents should teach their sons to look deeper than appearance, and go for personality.

Men absolutely filter on looks, much more so than women do. It’s a real trope that a good woman is supposed to see past looks (Beauty and the Beast anyone) but it’s never the same in reverse.

It’s important that your son accepts that these girls are entitled to reject him for whatever reason, just as he is entitled to not find someone attractive.

If your son is attractive and has a nice personality and respects girls as fully human then he will definitely meet someone who likes him.

100% agree.

I get the point about people having their own preferences. I’m cautious about the sweeping generalisations around men and women though. It's more individual than that. I’m also trying to help him not tie his self-worth to things like height or whether someone is attracted to him. It’s more complex than just being “attractive and nice.”

His height will and won't matter, and ultimately the ways in which it matters don't really matter, if that makes sense.

Yes, many women will reject him for being short. It's a thing. The nice comments on this thread are in stark contrast to the dating ones on this site where 90% of posters say short men give them the ick. It'll be exacerbated by OLD - I remember about 10 years ago, two male friends were on OLD. The 6'4" guy was swimming in new dates compared to the 5'8" even though the latter was objectively much, much better-looking.

But! While height is a deal-breaker to many women - and those women tend to be very loud and rude about it - there are also many women who don't give a shit about it. Or who are much shorter than him. (I'm an example of both.) All the short men I know have had successful dating lives and relationships. The shortest man I know (I think he's about 5'5") is married to a literal six-foot model with legs that go on for miles. Height is far from the only way a man can stand out. He already has confirmation from a girl that he's one of the best-looking boys in the year so I'm sure he will be absolutely fine.

I think we're all conditioned to think there's only one way to be attractive (what we see in the media, mostly). That's absolute bollocks. I was a scrawny, mixed-race teenager and the idea that you had to be blonde with big tits to be attractive to men did a number on me for a little while. Until I grew up, went to university and found that plenty of men weren't into that 90s model of femininity at all. Mutual attraction is a much more complex thing than media-generated images of conventional attraction, and when he finds it, the latter simply won't matter at all.

Teen years are tough all round ! So help your DS to navigate the fact that for him it is height but everyone has something. My DSs it is acne, they are both over 6ft though. But are very self conscious over their terrible acne which doesn't seem to respond to many of the standard treatments. My DP 21 yr old son is 5ft8 and a very handsome boy but also insecure over his height. Although very successful romantically as he's very charming!
Reassure him that 5ft7 is a decent height at 15 years and likely he'll have at least one more growth spurt. So this is unlikely to be his final height. And no matter what height he ends up at, he sounds like a decent human. And ultimately that is what will make him successful in relationships longer term.

No I don't think he is. It's not like the average UK man is as tall as the Netherlands or the Scandinavian countries, it's 5ft 10 for the UK apparently.

how embarrassing!

I hadthis problem with one of my sons. I actually went to ask the GP about some medical treatment. He was then 17 and the doctor said I had just missed the boat, max was 16. It is some kind of inocuous hormone therapy and now he's 42 and has never forgiven le. He's 5'4 but has a smashing g/f who is 5'9 but as she says, once he's made his fortune, he can stand on the notes and be the same height as her ! I'm serious about the treatment though.
My pet AI says 'When medicine can help height growth
A doctor (usually a pediatric endocrinologist) may be able to help if the teen has:

• Growth hormone deficiency – the body does not make enough growth hormone. In that case, prescribed growth hormone treatment can significantly improve height.
• Delayed puberty – sometimes short-term hormone treatment may help trigger normal puberty and growth.
• Thyroid problems – low thyroid hormone can stunt growth, and treatment can restore growth.'

There are medical ways to achieve height growth:

A doctor (usually a pediatric endocrinologist) may be able to help if the teen has:

• Growth hormone deficiency – the body does not make enough growth hormone. In that case, prescribed growth hormone treatment can significantly improve height.
• Delayed puberty – sometimes short-term hormone treatment may help trigger normal puberty and growth.
• Thyroid problems – low thyroid hormone can stunt growth, and treatment can restore growth.

I missed the boat for my son who is now 42 and has never forgiven me. I was only a year too late but nothing to be done. He took the other course, gym, swimming, yoga, running so he's impressive sideways !

'

I’m 5’6, DH 5’7 (or close to)
The children have 1 6ft grandparent(my dad) , others are on average 5’5.

Boys 5’8,5’8 & 6’1
DD is 5’4

Everyone doing great and happy in life.
Ironically the teen years were harder for the taller boy.

Hope life is good to your son OP

I was seriously contemplating it about 18 months ago. Spoke to doctor, got into the system. Did a ton of blood tests to rule out obvious players. Even had a private consult without him, just to check what would happen and whether he'd be considered.

Then he grew a lot very quickly, so it felt redundant. I felt he was on his way. And now it's stalled a bit. If he was 5ft 4 still, to be honest, I would do something. But I don't think he constitutes 'short' medically.

I could get his bone age looked at to see if he has more growth in him, but I\m not sure of the point. I don't think there's a medical issue.

I'm 5'1" DH is 6'2" DD is just over 5'7" and DS is 5'7". We talked about it over a period of time and moved on. I think he is okay about it now that he is older.

What shoe size is he op? Foot size can be a good indicator of height and the feet have usually stopped growing by about age 13.
My ds is 6' 2, broad shouldered and decent looking, he has never had a girlfriend (no he is not gay). Height isn't everything.

Hi OP, I haven’t read the whole thread but just wanted to say that my DS was probably smaller at that age. He’s very good looking (not just me being biased - he gets told it all the time!) but never had any romantic interest from girls while he was at school.
He’s now 17.5 and in the last year has grown about 5 inches I think! It’s been a crazy growth spurt & he now finally has facial hair / deeper voice etc. He also got his first girlfriend about 6 months ago.
He’s always been a happy go lucky lad so I don’t think being short bothered him too much at school but I would say he’s definitely happier (and maybe relieved!) to have grown now.
So I completely disagree with the pp who have said that your DS is unlikely to grow much now because it’s definitely possible. I’ve no idea how tall my DS will end up but I think he’s still growing so it wouldn’t surprise me if he makes 6ft.
My dad was apparently the same & was very late with his growth spurt so it might be worth asking other male family members if they had a similar experience.
It’s difficult being a teenager and being a teenagers mum! xx

My adult DDs and I are 5’1, 5’3 and 5’4, the shortest’s first teen boyfriend was 6’4. She married a lovely man who’s 5’7 or 5’8 but wears the same size shoes as I do.

I don’t think I’d have dated anyone shorter than I am, but they needn’t be very much taller. Attraction isn’t ever based on height alone. Your DS sounds lovely!