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Finding horrible things when elderly people die. ***Edited by MNHQ to add: TW: contains details some may find upsetting including details of CSA***

417 replies

Dappy777 · Yesterday 14:16

Has anyone else cleaned out a loved one’s home and found horrible stuff?

Last year my father in law died. He was 78, had lived alone for several years and died suddenly. After his death, we went through the house and found a hidden stash of pornography. It wasn’t illegal, but the magazines were called things like ‘Babyface’ and ‘Just 18’. In other words, the models were as childlike as it was legally possible to photo. We also found several pornographic books and stuff he’d printed off the Internet. Again, it was all young and underage girls. My partner was very upset. His dad had an old laptop but my partner smashed and burned it (he was venting his anger). He said he didn’t want to know what was on there and that it was best if his father took any secrets to the grave.

Anyway, a neighbour recently told me a similar story, only in her case it was even darker. After her partner’s dad died, they found photos he had taken of young girls playing in a nearby park. She said it looked as if he’d taken them from his car. There were a lot, apparently, and she and her partner burnt everything.

I wonder how common this is? When my own father died, I found a bit of pornography, but it was all pretty tame and adult. Even that upset me though. In all three cases the men died suddenly. I suppose people with a terminal diagnosis have time to destroy such things.

OP posts:
Beeinalily · Yesterday 16:07

Confuserr · Yesterday 15:02

When my father died unexpectedly I cleared out his house with my siblings. We found old football memorabilia and lists of things to do in the various seaside towns he would take us to as children, to which he'd added marks out of ten, and evidently kept forever.
Obviously horrible men exist but they are, of course, not 'all the same'.

The seaside thing is really sweet.

Badbadbunny · Yesterday 16:09

bubblepink2749 · Yesterday 14:21

Sick. They’re all the same.

No, they're really not.

OnGoldenPond · Yesterday 16:09

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · Yesterday 15:32

My mother is 83 and we have been estranged for over ten years cos she's a thoroughly awful person. I am fully expecting there to be a letter for me among her things, which will be designed to make me feel as crap as possible. She's already cut me out of the will in favour of my brother but made me one of the executors 🤣.

You can renounce an appointment as executor in a will, so you need have nothing to do with the process. Don’t have anything to do with the house clearance either, your brother can do that. If he tries to give you anything he finds, tell him to throw it away. Protect yourself and sod her.

THisbackwithavengeance · Yesterday 16:09

My DH (before I met him) had an arrangement with an unwell elderly male neighbour that when he (the neighbour) karked it, DH would go into the garage and get rid of anything untoward to protect the wife and DCs. Sure enough when said neighbour passed, DH did his duty and disposed of the offending items. Apparently nothing illegal but on the wrong side of vanilla and would’ve upset the widow.

Men!!!

Southeastlondonmum2 · Yesterday 16:10

re the sisters and the secret sister and priest dad. We must know the same person

SnugglyJumpersMakeItBetter · Yesterday 16:11

NagathaCrispy · Yesterday 15:40

My dad died a couple of years before my mum. After my mum died, I was clearing her stuff and found a large stash of diaries. She was an avid diary keeper and wrote a page a day, every day without fail!! Of course I read some of them, and amongst the pages describing trips to the supermarket, dad cutting the grass and them having fish and chips for dinner, was a series of entries where mum had discovered dad had been having along term affair which had gone on for a long time, described as his "bird watching outings" - every Thursday for years. Mum lovingly noted them all down. "Bill has gone out bird watching again today. Awful weather, I'm sure he's not going to see much" ..... etc.

He even had a set of binoculars and lots of books about birds! The saddest part was that I was with him at his bed side when he passed away in hospital, and can still remember him delirious and barely conscious - clearly aware he was passing away - shouting "Doreen, Doreen, I'm coming Doreen ...." My mum was not called Doreen. 😥

(Names changed obvs ......)

Oh God, I am sorry. That must have been incredibly painful. My aunt sat with my grandmother when she died and afterwards intermated to my mother (her sister) that something along these lines had happened. She wouldn't divulge exactly what though.

gmgnts · Yesterday 16:11

@OrangeBlossomsinthesun you don't have to be an executor for your mother - just rescind it when she dies. There's a form you can find online. Sorry she's been so horrible to you Flowers

Flicitytricity · Yesterday 16:12

tsmainsqueeze · Yesterday 15:52

Did she have a problem receiving gifts from others ?
Sometimes this behaviour is the recipient feeling unworthy of having nice things, it's really sad either way for both the receiver and the giver.

No, my brother and nephews gifts were displayed.
There were photographs of my brother and his family everywhere, none of us.
He's actually me stepping brother, and we are incredibly close, but my mam, step-dad and step brother were a family, and I was just there.
I felt it was different as adults, but clearly not🙄

Hardgarden · Yesterday 16:12

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · Yesterday 15:58

I won't leave my brother to do it all (we are close) and there is stuff there I want. I will ask him to dispose of any poison Pen letters. But i have no doubt there will be one.

Hopefully he will share the estate equally with you then @OrangeBlossomsinthesun

FeetupTvon · Yesterday 16:13

My great uncle, spent his entire life as a batchelor. Little did we know that he had one love child, a daughter that he never ever told a sole about. He stayed in touch with her throughout her life and would visit her weekly.
so terribly sad.

Hardgarden · Yesterday 16:13

Flicitytricity · Yesterday 16:12

No, my brother and nephews gifts were displayed.
There were photographs of my brother and his family everywhere, none of us.
He's actually me stepping brother, and we are incredibly close, but my mam, step-dad and step brother were a family, and I was just there.
I felt it was different as adults, but clearly not🙄

Guessing that HUGE backstory you referred really is very huge and relevant

Ilikesundays · Yesterday 16:15

On a completely different level, my friend was cleaning out a dead aunt’s house and found a hoard of valuable jewellery in an empty Kleenex box at the back of a cupboard.

InNewYorkNoShoes · Yesterday 16:15

Apprentice26 · Yesterday 14:55

This is bullshit and it really angers me because you could know them as well. They just haven’t been discovered yet. Doesn’t mean they’re not in your circle.
They are in everybody’s circle

Exactly! Kinda the whole point of this thread is that even our elderly relatives had some awful secrets.

Hotafternoon · Yesterday 16:16

Andepeda · Yesterday 15:46

Oh yes, my DB's school report, 'James is eccentric'.

My brother's was mainly his constant talking and paying too much interest in other pupils, apparently once when another child was crying and the teacher was with the lad, my brother wanted to know what he was crying for.

He's been totally different as an adult, not particularly "chatty" and never interested in what's going on with other people. 😅

tsmainsqueeze · Yesterday 16:16

Flicitytricity · Yesterday 16:12

No, my brother and nephews gifts were displayed.
There were photographs of my brother and his family everywhere, none of us.
He's actually me stepping brother, and we are incredibly close, but my mam, step-dad and step brother were a family, and I was just there.
I felt it was different as adults, but clearly not🙄

Oh that's awful , i'm so sorry.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · Yesterday 16:17

It seems there will always be a steady fraction of men who cannot seem to help having interests of this sort - something which is difficult for society to come to terms with since it is so clearly wrong.

TheBrynGhost · Yesterday 16:17

When my Gran (dementia) moved in with her son I had the job of cleaning out her home There was a room full, floor to ceiling, of cardboard boxes from cereal packets and general household items. The new ones at the front but at the back were packets from pre war when Frosties packets had Tony The Tiger was a stick figure. All pristine.

I donated loads of it to the Robert Opie museum and kept some of it myself.

Nothing gruesome by other's standards although a neighbour popped in and told me some pretty unsavoury stories about her from years ago. I believed her. 'D'GM was a bit of a nightmare.

ExpressCheckout · Yesterday 16:18

bubblepink2749 · Yesterday 14:21

Sick. They’re all the same.

No, they're not 🙄

ComedyGuns · Yesterday 16:20

Flicitytricity · Yesterday 15:03

There's a HUGE background to this, but in the 10 years before she died, I thought i had a good relationship with my mam.
I bought Christmas and Birthday gifts with great care, trying to always make them meaningful and heartfelt.
When she died, I cleared her wardrobes out, and there were all my beautifully wrapped gifts, unopened, piled untidily in the bottom of her wardrobe.
The punch to the gut was huge.

Oh gosh - that it absolutely terrible, you poor thing.

Badbadbunny · Yesterday 16:21

My mother was an avid diary-keeper all her life. (As am I). She was a trained shorthand typist so a lot of comments were written in shorthand, alongside all the mundane day to day stuff. I learned a bit of shorthand as a hobby, so when I found her stash of diaries after she died, I tried to translate some of her shorthand comments - had to do a lot of cross referencing against my text book etc., but managed to translate odd bits. Turns out she was quite a "popular" girl during the war (and afterwards) especially with American airmen! Also that she had a few affairs whilst married to my father! A lot of it I couldn't translate as she seemed to add in a few of her own "home made" marks that didn't appear in any text books etc.

Funnily enough, I've always done similar in my diaries right from my mid teenage years. Mundane stuff in clear writing, but instead of short hand (which I didn't start to learn until middle aged) I created my own "code" for things I did that I didn't want a nosey-parker looking through my diary to see what I has written. I had various combinations of marks (e.g. "x&%" or "xxx" or "&&&" to signify things I'd done that day (typically with boyfriend(s)!!) or for longer comments, I had one of those codes where the letters were shifted one way or another, i.e. if I wanted to write "Andrew", I'd write Boesfx (not that simple but you get the drift!). I definitely don't want anyone to translate my secrets even after my death!

TheBrynGhost · Yesterday 16:21

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · Yesterday 15:32

My mother is 83 and we have been estranged for over ten years cos she's a thoroughly awful person. I am fully expecting there to be a letter for me among her things, which will be designed to make me feel as crap as possible. She's already cut me out of the will in favour of my brother but made me one of the executors 🤣.

You can reject executorship. My sister did once she knew all Dad's money had gone on care home fees and there was nothing in it for her. I had to sort it all myself.

I'm sorry for your situation.

Flicitytricity · Yesterday 16:22

Hardgarden · Yesterday 15:37

She sounds like she was very much a person who wanted to cut herself off from society and probably and had no need for anything. What sort of things did you give her?

Oh Gid, I cant remember them all now😏
The two I do remember - we lived in the far east when I was a child, and she brought back a coffee set, which she was hugely proud of. One of the coffee cups got broken many years ago, and I sourced a replacement, along with a cream jug she had never had. It took ages to find ( i actually had to buy a pair of cups and saucers, just for the cup)!
Another one was an old film reel of her getting married. She had the reel but bo way of watching it and I got it transferred to a video cassette.

The other stuff, I honestly cant remember, but it was always carefully considered.

Itsahardknocklifeforus · Yesterday 16:22

FeetupTvon · Yesterday 16:13

My great uncle, spent his entire life as a batchelor. Little did we know that he had one love child, a daughter that he never ever told a sole about. He stayed in touch with her throughout her life and would visit her weekly.
so terribly sad.

This is sad. I wonder how his daughter found out he had passed away......

rainbowunicorn22 · Yesterday 16:22

My father had porn mags just the normal top shelf things like Fiesta, Playboy etc but when he was in the hospice he gave his mate his house key to dispose of them and a few videos too. that was just soft porn too and I knew about it which he knew too but my sister is rather 'posh' and finding porn would flip her lid. i admire dad for saving her the upset.

Catdoorman · Yesterday 16:23

Hardgarden · Yesterday 14:43

Did you check the expiry?

and how the heck do know this about your mil?

My beloved mother in law, told me when she was 75, and father in law was 80, that he couldn't get his leg over any more. The cheeky little minx.

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