Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Finding horrible things when elderly people die. ***Edited by MNHQ to add: TW: contains details some may find upsetting including details of CSA***

417 replies

Dappy777 · Yesterday 14:16

Has anyone else cleaned out a loved one’s home and found horrible stuff?

Last year my father in law died. He was 78, had lived alone for several years and died suddenly. After his death, we went through the house and found a hidden stash of pornography. It wasn’t illegal, but the magazines were called things like ‘Babyface’ and ‘Just 18’. In other words, the models were as childlike as it was legally possible to photo. We also found several pornographic books and stuff he’d printed off the Internet. Again, it was all young and underage girls. My partner was very upset. His dad had an old laptop but my partner smashed and burned it (he was venting his anger). He said he didn’t want to know what was on there and that it was best if his father took any secrets to the grave.

Anyway, a neighbour recently told me a similar story, only in her case it was even darker. After her partner’s dad died, they found photos he had taken of young girls playing in a nearby park. She said it looked as if he’d taken them from his car. There were a lot, apparently, and she and her partner burnt everything.

I wonder how common this is? When my own father died, I found a bit of pornography, but it was all pretty tame and adult. Even that upset me though. In all three cases the men died suddenly. I suppose people with a terminal diagnosis have time to destroy such things.

OP posts:
PowerhouseOfTheCell · Yesterday 16:54

My great-grandfather wrote a note for my Nan to find, admitting he had a secret 2nd family (easy to do in the 50s), but I found it instead and carefully smuggled it out of his flat and destroyed it. I've not told a soul in my family about it, and he's been dead 15 years. He died through a traumatic failure of NHS negligence, and at the time, my Nan was too fragile to even broach with that kind of thing.
On a lighter note, he also kept a diary of his favourite models on Babestation and how fat my cousin was getting

bonkersbongo · Yesterday 16:57

My mother was a drug addict most of her life. Then switched to being an alcoholic in her 30’s. Died of liver failure in her 40’s. She always told my sibling and I that our biological father died when I was 4 from a drug overdose. She fully blamed him for getting her hooked on drugs. Told us That he’d been a violent man and she felt nothing but relief when she found him dead.

when she died we came across my late fathers death certificate. And the cause of death was suicide by hanging.

This promoted my sibling to get in contact with our father’s side of the family who confirmed he took his life after our mother moved us away and into her affair partners home. She then voluntarily put us into care two weeks after he died.

Witchonenowbob · Yesterday 16:58

bubblepink2749 · Yesterday 14:21

Sick. They’re all the same.

No they’re not.

stepmum86 · Yesterday 17:00

I know someone who does house clearances and they were contacted by the son who found all sorts of bondage in the cellar, including swing chairs etc. the couple who had passed were very elderly and it shocked them.
I need to add a lot of the vintage porn mags are worth a bit so worth flogging on!

MabelAnderson · Yesterday 17:00

SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack · Yesterday 14:27

My partner found out his mum had a secret child at the age of 13 when clearing out her house. Sadly the child died young in childhood but she never mentioned it to anyone.

This is so sad. 13, still a child, his poor Mum.

Rainallnight · Yesterday 17:01

When my dad died, at 71, I found absolutely vile, violent, mysoginistic, sadistic pornography. I haven’t felt the same about him since and it’s ruined any kind of normal grieving.

My heart goes out to all of you who’ve had awful shocks, some worse of course.

Rainallnight · Yesterday 17:01

Oh, and he had a terminal diagnosis so had plenty of time to sort it, but didn’t.

TerryCallierLookAtMeNowNsoul · Yesterday 17:01

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · Yesterday 15:32

My mother is 83 and we have been estranged for over ten years cos she's a thoroughly awful person. I am fully expecting there to be a letter for me among her things, which will be designed to make me feel as crap as possible. She's already cut me out of the will in favour of my brother but made me one of the executors 🤣.

If there is a letter for you burn it don't read it as pp said don't do the clear out.

MabelAnderson · Yesterday 17:02

PowerhouseOfTheCell · Yesterday 16:54

My great-grandfather wrote a note for my Nan to find, admitting he had a secret 2nd family (easy to do in the 50s), but I found it instead and carefully smuggled it out of his flat and destroyed it. I've not told a soul in my family about it, and he's been dead 15 years. He died through a traumatic failure of NHS negligence, and at the time, my Nan was too fragile to even broach with that kind of thing.
On a lighter note, he also kept a diary of his favourite models on Babestation and how fat my cousin was getting

But maybe he wanted his daughter to know that she had siblings ?

awfulapril · Yesterday 17:05

When my great uncle died, my mum reckoned someone found that he had two passports and sent a postcard to his housekeeper from behind the iron curtain.
I didn't point out that normally spies don't send postcards

Catwalking · Yesterday 17:06

Badbadbunny · Yesterday 16:21

My mother was an avid diary-keeper all her life. (As am I). She was a trained shorthand typist so a lot of comments were written in shorthand, alongside all the mundane day to day stuff. I learned a bit of shorthand as a hobby, so when I found her stash of diaries after she died, I tried to translate some of her shorthand comments - had to do a lot of cross referencing against my text book etc., but managed to translate odd bits. Turns out she was quite a "popular" girl during the war (and afterwards) especially with American airmen! Also that she had a few affairs whilst married to my father! A lot of it I couldn't translate as she seemed to add in a few of her own "home made" marks that didn't appear in any text books etc.

Funnily enough, I've always done similar in my diaries right from my mid teenage years. Mundane stuff in clear writing, but instead of short hand (which I didn't start to learn until middle aged) I created my own "code" for things I did that I didn't want a nosey-parker looking through my diary to see what I has written. I had various combinations of marks (e.g. "x&%" or "xxx" or "&&&" to signify things I'd done that day (typically with boyfriend(s)!!) or for longer comments, I had one of those codes where the letters were shifted one way or another, i.e. if I wanted to write "Andrew", I'd write Boesfx (not that simple but you get the drift!). I definitely don't want anyone to translate my secrets even after my death!

With my & DH’s ‘love’ letters, from over 50 yrs ago, I’ve gone 1 step further.
I burnt the lot! (apart from a mystery £1 note!) so nobody will have to decide or even have to contemplate, whether to read etc..
Actually felt oddly guilty? @ the time, but quite relieved now.
& am wondering what else I should lose 🤭.

saraclara · Yesterday 17:10

I would hate my kids to read any love letters between me and my late DH. They were nothing other than sentimental, but still private, and not something for my kids to go "awww" over. I need to go up in the loft and see if there are any. Likewise I had a diary in that first year of being with him. That was never intended to be read by anyone else, either.

booknerdhead · Yesterday 17:10

My MIL left her many diaries, which she kept every day. Her writing is completely illegible, which is probably a good thing as she didn’t approve of me marrying her wonderful son.
She also left many Victorian items, including bracelets made from the deceased relative’s hair and a locket with the hair intricately woven. They don’t creep me out though.

As I don’t want sex toys to be discovered (I’m ancient), I’m sticking with an electric toothbrush.

JustTheThrice · Yesterday 17:12

A male relative of mine nearing retirement age was in a car accident. While unconscious in hospital for a fair while before he died we realised from texts that were coming through to his phone that he regularly used what sounded like fairly young women prostitutes. No reason to think they were under age, thank God, but it was extremely upsetting and it really complicated both the hospital visiting and the grieving process for the people who knew about it.

Charmatt · Yesterday 17:13

I have a relative who is in the police. He has been on a number of welfare checks where he has found deceased men in bed in women's underwear. When he was a new recruit he found it hard to accept that you can't remove things like that as it is interfering with the scene.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · Yesterday 17:14

As I don’t want sex toys to be discovered (I’m ancient), I’m sticking with an electric toothbrush.

😂😂😂

Ouch, that sounds a little abrasive. I hope you wrap it in a sock or something?

GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf · Yesterday 17:15

Found a gun when my uncle died. I was about 10 and my brother was a teenager and I remember him waving it around laughing and then my dad screaming at him to “FUCKING PUT IT DOWN NOW”. I knew my uncle was dogey but we didn’t know how dogey until after he died.

Dappy777 · Yesterday 17:15

The elderly lady across the road lost her husband a few years ago. He was a vile man, really creepy and sinister. After he died, she was going on about what a wonderful chap he was when her niece suddenly exploded and yelled at her that he’d made a pass at her daughter when she was 13! My neighbour told me this without any shame at all. She didn’t deny it. She just shrugged it off. She still goes on about how lovely he was and how much she misses him.

At work, I have dealt with families in which a man (often an adult son) has been caught grooming an underage girl online. It’s amazing how often people will excuse such behaviour. Once the anger has worn off, they convince themselves the girl was to blame, or that their son/brother/uncle was just depressed, or something like that.

My FIL didn’t have anything illegal, but he clearly had an interest in very young girls. Does make me wonder what secrets he took to the grave. Who knows what the people in our life did when they were young. I am very fond of my 90-year-old uncle, for example, but he has a very unpleasant attitude towards women, and I do sometimes wonder if he did something dark and sinister in his youth. I also wonder whether my father ever cheated on my mother. He was a very good-looking man and often stayed away for work. I’ll never know now.

OP posts:
awfulapril · Yesterday 17:17

Men are so grubby.

Dappy777 · Yesterday 17:20

saraclara · Yesterday 17:10

I would hate my kids to read any love letters between me and my late DH. They were nothing other than sentimental, but still private, and not something for my kids to go "awww" over. I need to go up in the loft and see if there are any. Likewise I had a diary in that first year of being with him. That was never intended to be read by anyone else, either.

I have the letters my great grandfather wrote home to his wife from the trenches. The earliest is dated 1914. They are unbelievably beautiful. Like something out of a novel (“if I were fighting to protect only you, I should face my death without flinching” etc).

OP posts:
Gardenalia · Yesterday 17:20

JacknDiane · Yesterday 16:53

How dare you. My dad wasn't like that and dh wont be either.

As far as you know.

TerryCallierLookAtMeNowNsoul · Yesterday 17:21

UnemployedNotRetired · Yesterday 16:49

So not even 2% of adult men in the world with internet access. Assuming they were all male. And not just repeated visits.

It wasn't 62million men I believe CNN retracted that.
It was about a thousand on the rape site
Though a thousand is too many and the very existence of that site just shouldn't be

awfulapril · Yesterday 17:21

Lol @gardenalia

Lararoft · Yesterday 17:21

My Dad cleared out the home of an elderly friend of the family who died in 2006.. he found a working & loaded ww2 era pistol under a pillow!! I know my Dad disposed of the gun safely.
This gentleman had served in army intelligence in ww2, and was a little paranoid about intruders..

ManintheCity · Yesterday 17:25

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · Yesterday 15:32

My mother is 83 and we have been estranged for over ten years cos she's a thoroughly awful person. I am fully expecting there to be a letter for me among her things, which will be designed to make me feel as crap as possible. She's already cut me out of the will in favour of my brother but made me one of the executors 🤣.

You can decline being an Executor; and under the circumstances I would!

Swipe left for the next trending thread