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Finding horrible things when elderly people die. ***Edited by MNHQ to add: TW: contains details some may find upsetting including details of CSA***

417 replies

Dappy777 · Yesterday 14:16

Has anyone else cleaned out a loved one’s home and found horrible stuff?

Last year my father in law died. He was 78, had lived alone for several years and died suddenly. After his death, we went through the house and found a hidden stash of pornography. It wasn’t illegal, but the magazines were called things like ‘Babyface’ and ‘Just 18’. In other words, the models were as childlike as it was legally possible to photo. We also found several pornographic books and stuff he’d printed off the Internet. Again, it was all young and underage girls. My partner was very upset. His dad had an old laptop but my partner smashed and burned it (he was venting his anger). He said he didn’t want to know what was on there and that it was best if his father took any secrets to the grave.

Anyway, a neighbour recently told me a similar story, only in her case it was even darker. After her partner’s dad died, they found photos he had taken of young girls playing in a nearby park. She said it looked as if he’d taken them from his car. There were a lot, apparently, and she and her partner burnt everything.

I wonder how common this is? When my own father died, I found a bit of pornography, but it was all pretty tame and adult. Even that upset me though. In all three cases the men died suddenly. I suppose people with a terminal diagnosis have time to destroy such things.

OP posts:
DemonsandMosquitoes · Yesterday 15:37

We found porn mags in righteous, judgemental FIL attic too. The same FIL that berated us for living together before marriage. Laughable.

Hardgarden · Yesterday 15:37

Flicitytricity · Yesterday 15:27

We lived hundreds of miles away, so her birthday gifts were sent but most Christmases they came to us, but always in the week before Xmas, as she needed to be back before the big day, so she could spend it in her own home. She took presents home to open on the Xmas day.
That continued, even in her last two years, when we moved about 10 miles away from her. She never wanted to spend much time outside of her own home.

Edited

She sounds like she was very much a person who wanted to cut herself off from society and probably and had no need for anything. What sort of things did you give her?

ginasevern · Yesterday 15:39

@Pallisers "Oh I'd take a punt that you know some very sick men too. They don't wear it like a badge on their lapels. Hence this post about people finding out stuff when clearing out after death. It's not all men but don't for a minute think you have wafted through the world never encountering a bad one."

I know. The naivity and self righteousness on Mumsnet is off the scale. The usual retort is to blame the woman for only mixing with bad men.

@Hardgarden "Same with women too then"

As for this. I hate to disillusion you but have you never read the statistics on rape, sexual assault, voyeurism, indecent exposure, murder, child and animal abuse/torture etc etc etc ad nauseam (which is Latin for "to a sickening degree")? If not, I really think it's time you did for your own and the common good.

Ultraalox · Yesterday 15:40

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · Yesterday 15:35

Don't call it "Child Porn".

It's Child Sexual Abuse Material.

Apologies. Thankfully I know nothing about the subject, but I’ve now read on the difference in the terms and have educated myself x

Andepeda · Yesterday 15:40

My gran always wore clean knickers when she went out 'in case she got hit by a bus'. I always clear my search history for the same reason. I really should stop googling stuff I read about on MN.

NagathaCrispy · Yesterday 15:40

My dad died a couple of years before my mum. After my mum died, I was clearing her stuff and found a large stash of diaries. She was an avid diary keeper and wrote a page a day, every day without fail!! Of course I read some of them, and amongst the pages describing trips to the supermarket, dad cutting the grass and them having fish and chips for dinner, was a series of entries where mum had discovered dad had been having along term affair which had gone on for a long time, described as his "bird watching outings" - every Thursday for years. Mum lovingly noted them all down. "Bill has gone out bird watching again today. Awful weather, I'm sure he's not going to see much" ..... etc.

He even had a set of binoculars and lots of books about birds! The saddest part was that I was with him at his bed side when he passed away in hospital, and can still remember him delirious and barely conscious - clearly aware he was passing away - shouting "Doreen, Doreen, I'm coming Doreen ...." My mum was not called Doreen. 😥

(Names changed obvs ......)

Hotafternoon · Yesterday 15:42

Hotafternoon · Yesterday 15:22

When we cleared dad's house and contents we found nothing awful, just loads of photos of him as a young kid and when he joined the navy and was at sea. Most of it before me and my brother were born.

He had written a lot about his early life, things we never knew about him which made me feel a but sad that he'd never talked about it.

At his funeral we used a lot of the early years stuff as part of his eulogy and some of the photos on a slide during the music.

I've just remembered that I found a load of our school stuff from the 60s and several school reports for my brother that my parents had kept when we cleared the house.

I spent about an hour being highly amused and laughing at some of the remarks by his teacher(s) and the head master/mistress at the end of most of the reports. 😆

Ithinkofawittyusernamethenforgetit · Yesterday 15:45

UnemployedNotRetired · Yesterday 15:37

Never used this company (so not a reference), but 'interesting' that they exist:

We Buy Any Porn | Specialist Discreet House Clearances & Purchasers of Vintage Erotica - We Buy Any Porn

Oh it does - Ram Books on Holloway Road, I go past it on the bus. Two doors from the library and opposite a church.

Dollymylove · Yesterday 15:46

Hotafternoon · Yesterday 15:22

When we cleared dad's house and contents we found nothing awful, just loads of photos of him as a young kid and when he joined the navy and was at sea. Most of it before me and my brother were born.

He had written a lot about his early life, things we never knew about him which made me feel a but sad that he'd never talked about it.

At his funeral we used a lot of the early years stuff as part of his eulogy and some of the photos on a slide during the music.

My Dad never talked about his time before he was my Dad. It was like getting blood out of a stone getting him to talk about his childhood. He was born in the 20s and his mother was an alcohol so I understand, I guess.
I didnt even know until his funeral and the minister did the eulogy, that he had done National service. It shouldnt really have ben a surprise as he was the right age to have served. The minister said that he had grown 8 inches taller during his NS, probably because he had been fed properly for the first time in his life.
Its sad really as I never really got to know him properly, he seemed to have tried to erase most of his past xx

Andepeda · Yesterday 15:46

Hotafternoon · Yesterday 15:42

I've just remembered that I found a load of our school stuff from the 60s and several school reports for my brother that my parents had kept when we cleared the house.

I spent about an hour being highly amused and laughing at some of the remarks by his teacher(s) and the head master/mistress at the end of most of the reports. 😆

Oh yes, my DB's school report, 'James is eccentric'.

Whowhatwerewolf · Yesterday 15:47

That's awful @theworldisadarkplace I'm so sorry you had to be that strong.

MabelRoyds · Yesterday 15:48

tachetastic · Yesterday 15:21

What, old people? Bit blanket.

Ha ha!

LBFseBrom · Yesterday 15:48

I am sorry you've found this. I hate porn but am realistic enough to know that some people, particularly men, are lonely and find some comfort in it in private.

Remember the young looking, 'babyface' girls in the pictures are grown women dressed and styled as youngsters. The man liking those pictures knows that and to him it is no different to someone dressing up as a short-skirted nurse in uniform or similar fantasy. He would no doubt be horrified at paedophilia (unlike the other person you mentioned who hung around child friendly places and took photos of real kids).

He may not have looked at these pictures for a long time and always intended to get rid of them, perhaps even forgot where he put them.

Just put it behind you, try not to judge.

Loneliness in elderly men is sad, probably why so many get involved with a woman so quickly after bereavement, often unwisely. Women get lonely too but are generally better at coping with it, are more independent, and prioritise other things in life.

MingBinJuice · Yesterday 15:49

bubblepink2749 · Yesterday 14:21

Sick. They’re all the same.

No. That's not right.

Every man you know?

Your partner/father/grandfather/uncles/cousins/brothers/male in-laws/sons?

They're all like that? I doubt it.

tsmainsqueeze · Yesterday 15:52

Flicitytricity · Yesterday 15:27

We lived hundreds of miles away, so her birthday gifts were sent but most Christmases they came to us, but always in the week before Xmas, as she needed to be back before the big day, so she could spend it in her own home. She took presents home to open on the Xmas day.
That continued, even in her last two years, when we moved about 10 miles away from her. She never wanted to spend much time outside of her own home.

Edited

Did she have a problem receiving gifts from others ?
Sometimes this behaviour is the recipient feeling unworthy of having nice things, it's really sad either way for both the receiver and the giver.

LindorDoubleChoc · Yesterday 15:53

My Mum died at 92 but she was very well prepared and organised. Her house was mercifully clean and uncluttered. We did find a huge bag filled with every card my brother and I and my two children (her only grandchildren) had ever sent her. We knew she had it (she'd told us). We decided to put it in the coffin with her and so they are now part of her ashes and going back to the earth in a bluebell wood. I didn't look at or read a single one before handing them over to the undertaker.

I had a tricky relationship with her and found it hard to write genuinely loving things in her cards (particularly Mother's day!) so the sentimental attachment to these cards was all hers.

ProudAmberTurtle · Yesterday 15:53

If the girls he printed pictures of off the internet were underage then that wouldn't be legal OP

Kokonimater · Yesterday 15:57

My mother’s diaries. Saying horrible things about me. Not nice feeling st all.

TheToteBagLady · Yesterday 15:57

Not quite the same, but my male friend told me that his elderly married father, who is still very much alive, has told him that the attic is full of decades of porn magazines.
Friend thinks it’s hilarious.

We cleared out dad’s house when he went to a care home. I remember being nervous about opening his bedside locker, but there wasn’t anything.

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · Yesterday 15:58

Hardgarden · Yesterday 15:36

You don’t have to clear it. So don’t.

I won't leave my brother to do it all (we are close) and there is stuff there I want. I will ask him to dispose of any poison Pen letters. But i have no doubt there will be one.

Forestdrop · Yesterday 16:04

Most men are like this but nobody wants to hear it. It’s an unsurprising fact of life.

BillieWiper · Yesterday 16:05

I remember I had a great uncle who always made me feel a little uneasy.

Apparently when they cleared out his house on his death they did find a bunch of porn. My auntie wouldn't elaborate further than saying it 'wasn't nice.'

I hope it wasn't underage stuff but he did give me slightly pervy looks when I was about 10. He just seemed a bit off tbh. But I think my family basically tried to forget the whole thing.

Gardenalia · Yesterday 16:05

MingBinJuice · Yesterday 15:49

No. That's not right.

Every man you know?

Your partner/father/grandfather/uncles/cousins/brothers/male in-laws/sons?

They're all like that? I doubt it.

Edited

I don’t doubt it for a second. There are good men out there but vanishingly few, and the fact you think otherwise just shows how adept they are at hiding in plain sight - and how adept women are at kidding themselves.

(Yes, grim stuff on dad’s kindle and laptop, one brother is a paedophile, the other is an unapologetic, racist misogynist, XH takes no account of a woman’s individuality, XP is under investigation for possession of extreme porn. All ‘decent’ middle class educated men (CEO, army, police, City, civil servant) . I love my sons in law but I have little doubt that under the veneer is the same vile nature. Thank goodness one DD is a lesbian!

TheBrynGhost · Yesterday 16:06

PrizedPickledPopcorn · Yesterday 14:35

A surprising number of men are only kept civilised by law, family, consequences. Their unrestrained impulses are bestial, frankly.

My ex was like this. I discovered an order form for videos from Rotterdam (pre-internet) when looking for a bank statement. I was stunned at the nature of the ones he had ordered. I left the following week and slept on a trampoline at work until the end of my contract : (

I had no idea he was into such shit.

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