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Finding horrible things when elderly people die. ***Edited by MNHQ to add: TW: contains details some may find upsetting including details of CSA***

685 replies

Dappy777 · 26/04/2026 14:16

Has anyone else cleaned out a loved one’s home and found horrible stuff?

Last year my father in law died. He was 78, had lived alone for several years and died suddenly. After his death, we went through the house and found a hidden stash of pornography. It wasn’t illegal, but the magazines were called things like ‘Babyface’ and ‘Just 18’. In other words, the models were as childlike as it was legally possible to photo. We also found several pornographic books and stuff he’d printed off the Internet. Again, it was all young and underage girls. My partner was very upset. His dad had an old laptop but my partner smashed and burned it (he was venting his anger). He said he didn’t want to know what was on there and that it was best if his father took any secrets to the grave.

Anyway, a neighbour recently told me a similar story, only in her case it was even darker. After her partner’s dad died, they found photos he had taken of young girls playing in a nearby park. She said it looked as if he’d taken them from his car. There were a lot, apparently, and she and her partner burnt everything.

I wonder how common this is? When my own father died, I found a bit of pornography, but it was all pretty tame and adult. Even that upset me though. In all three cases the men died suddenly. I suppose people with a terminal diagnosis have time to destroy such things.

OP posts:
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LaurenBacal · 27/04/2026 15:30

redboxer321 · 27/04/2026 15:27

Maybe so, I have no knowledge of these things. But they were women who grew up in a patriarchal society, who were operating in a patriarchal society, who maybe felt that they had to prove themselves in a 'man's world', who felt like they had to measure up to the men. They also would have been brutalised by a war started by men and by political systems imposed upon them by men.

They are still responsible for their own choices.

TheFarmatLittletown · 27/04/2026 15:36

OonaStubbs · 27/04/2026 02:44

All pornography should be banned. Outright. No ifs, no buts. Just ban it.

I wonder what this would do to rape stats.

5128gap · 27/04/2026 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Denial of rape/abuse

Oh please. Other than the ones getting in a huff and insulting women on this thread, there will be no men even slightly bothered by the views shared here. MN threads about male problem behaviour attract a few sad case whiney MRAs, who consider themselves victims already, so it really doesn't matter if they're offended, and a few decent men who condemn the behaviour themselves.
The vast majority of the male population are happily going about their lives completely oblivious to the fact that some women on MN are suspicious of them. So theres really no need to defend men against something they know nothing about.

thestudio · 27/04/2026 15:47

LBFseBrom · 26/04/2026 15:48

I am sorry you've found this. I hate porn but am realistic enough to know that some people, particularly men, are lonely and find some comfort in it in private.

Remember the young looking, 'babyface' girls in the pictures are grown women dressed and styled as youngsters. The man liking those pictures knows that and to him it is no different to someone dressing up as a short-skirted nurse in uniform or similar fantasy. He would no doubt be horrified at paedophilia (unlike the other person you mentioned who hung around child friendly places and took photos of real kids).

He may not have looked at these pictures for a long time and always intended to get rid of them, perhaps even forgot where he put them.

Just put it behind you, try not to judge.

Loneliness in elderly men is sad, probably why so many get involved with a woman so quickly after bereavement, often unwisely. Women get lonely too but are generally better at coping with it, are more independent, and prioritise other things in life.

What a load of enabling shite.

They are fantasising that those tiny girls ARE children when they wank to it.

And there's no proof at all that they are actually over 18.

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 15:56

Apprentice26 · 27/04/2026 05:37

But if they weren’t wrong ones in the first place, they’d be nothing for her to attract.
Could you explain how that’s her fault?
We could all - the 98% of women that have been sexually harassed- do with your wisdom to help us avoid.

Hear, hear!

Carla786 · 27/04/2026 16:01

BeaRightThere · 27/04/2026 15:12

This is one of those unknowables. I've been recently reading quite a lot about WW2 and women were not notably less cruel than men in many instances. Female Soviet army personnel encouraged and were amused by Russian soldiers raping German women, for example. And it was well known that the women guards in Ravensbruck, the majority-female concentration camp, were more brutal than the men.

I agree women can be awfully cruel in abetting rape in these cases but that specific case seems to miss the point. It is highly unlikely all female armies would commit mass rape (or sexual assault if using the UK rape defonitian) against civilian men (in the hypothetical scenario I did in that AIBU were armies are all female due to men being immobilised in wartime situations)

Paganpentacle · 27/04/2026 16:01

5128gap · 27/04/2026 15:41

Oh please. Other than the ones getting in a huff and insulting women on this thread, there will be no men even slightly bothered by the views shared here. MN threads about male problem behaviour attract a few sad case whiney MRAs, who consider themselves victims already, so it really doesn't matter if they're offended, and a few decent men who condemn the behaviour themselves.
The vast majority of the male population are happily going about their lives completely oblivious to the fact that some women on MN are suspicious of them. So theres really no need to defend men against something they know nothing about.

Of course they're oblivious there's a chat on Mumsnet slagging off ALL men.
Why do you think they wouldn't care? Do you think men don't have feelings/emotions or worry about people's perceptions of them?
I'm not defending all men. I'm defending the good men I know that would care and be horrified.

Carla786 · 27/04/2026 16:03

redboxer321 · 27/04/2026 15:27

Maybe so, I have no knowledge of these things. But they were women who grew up in a patriarchal society, who were operating in a patriarchal society, who maybe felt that they had to prove themselves in a 'man's world', who felt like they had to measure up to the men. They also would have been brutalised by a war started by men and by political systems imposed upon them by men.

Come on, this kind of excusing female cruelty isn't feminist. Mamy women voted for the Nazi party. It's infantilising to absolve bad female actions like that.

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 16:04

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 27/04/2026 08:54

I agree, not the story for everyone. I know a woman who got pg at 13, had her DD at 14, in 1965. Her parents did not disown her or kick her out but due to her very young age the baby was placed with foster parents until her mum turned 16. Then she was given back to her mother, her mother married her baby's father and they went on to have 2 more children. Got divorced about 15 years later but remained friends for life and have a very close co-parenting relationship with their children, grandchildren and great grandchildren to this day.

Edited

That's nice, and of course it didn't happen to everyone, but the mother-and-baby-homes was a huge scandal. The mothers were treated appallingly and in many cases were coerced into giving their babies up, and in some cases the babies were adopted without the mother's permission. It happened a lot in Ireland but also in England.

www.bbc.com/news/uk-northern-ireland-64087190

Carla786 · 27/04/2026 16:07

SleepingStandingUp · 27/04/2026 13:47

But you're intentionally missing the context given about the people.

I'd be surprised to find condoms in Mils house, doesn't mean I'd feel the same way about a friend a similar age. Same for sex aids or sexy underwear. We all have preconceptions about how people live, even if it isn't conscious.

Do you think it's wrong or gross for old people to like that kind of stuff? Seems a bit ageist. Why shouldn't old people enjoy sex?

Carla786 · 27/04/2026 16:13

BeaRightThere · 27/04/2026 15:12

This is one of those unknowables. I've been recently reading quite a lot about WW2 and women were not notably less cruel than men in many instances. Female Soviet army personnel encouraged and were amused by Russian soldiers raping German women, for example. And it was well known that the women guards in Ravensbruck, the majority-female concentration camp, were more brutal than the men.

What was your source for female guards in Ravensbruck being crueller than guards in male camps?

I'm a bit sceptical of that. I will research more.

FWIW, (I know it's hit or miss) ChatGPT told me this on a quick check. : 'It’s not really accurate to say female guards at Ravensbrück were “more cruel” than male guards overall.

Some individual women—like Irma Grese—became notorious, and their cases got a lot of attention after the war. That can skew perceptions. There’s also a kind of shock factor: people expect women to be less violent, so when they aren’t, it stands out more and gets remembered more vividly.

But when you look at the wider evidence, brutality wasn’t unique to female guards or to Ravensbrück. Conditions and treatment were extremely harsh across the Nazi camp system, including camps run mostly by male guards like Auschwitz or Buchenwald.

Historians generally find that female guards showed a range of behaviour—from routine enforcement to active cruelty—but not in a way that was systematically worse than male guards. So the “women were worse” idea is more about perception and selective examples than solid historical evidence.'

deeahgwitch · 27/04/2026 16:23

Kitfish · 27/04/2026 15:26

When I cleared out my DF's belongings after he died I discovered that he had been interviewed under caution several times for the (physical) abuse of 21 boys in his care when he was a teacher. He threw one through a plate glass window. 21 boys had come forward separately when they grew up and complained about him. From reading the documents it was also obvious he was guilty. It was part of a wider scandal at the school he worked at where abuse, it turned out, was widespread. The sexual abusers were prosecuted but the physical abusers were left alone. He didn't get a gravestone after that. Abusers don't get to be remembered.

Oh @Kitfishthat must have been a terrible shock for you.

Pedallleur · 27/04/2026 16:23

Paganpentacle · 27/04/2026 11:40

I'm a nurse. Its many many decades since I was on a ward in a uniform but despite it being knee length and no stockings involved there would still be old men (always the old ones) trying to cop a feel...

My aunt (84) was a nurse and mentioned this and patients (men) wanking off under the covers etc. Remember her saying the Mayor at the time was one of her patients and a prolific wanker and pest to the young nurses. She recalled a male Jamaican nurse had a word with him and the antics ceased

deeahgwitch · 27/04/2026 16:27

NonComm · 27/04/2026 11:51

Still astonished by Emily Bishop and Deirdre.......😳

What ???!

redboxer321 · 27/04/2026 16:31

Carla786 · 27/04/2026 16:03

Come on, this kind of excusing female cruelty isn't feminist. Mamy women voted for the Nazi party. It's infantilising to absolve bad female actions like that.

I was thinking more about the Soviets to be honest but I did say political systems so fair enough. Women did vote for the Nazis but they were only able to come to power thanks to the settlement imposed upon them at the end of WWI. A settlement imposed upon Germany by men.
I'm not excusing any women's actions if they behave in a cruel way. Just countering the women are as bad as, sometimes worse than, men arguement. Some are but generally I would say they are not and it's interesting to me at least to examine the reasons why all people who are cruel behave in that way.

Boomer55 · 27/04/2026 16:36

As long as the actual stuff didn’t actually involve kids, I’d let it be. He’s dead. 🤷‍♀️

Many older people, male and female, need an outlet with sexual frustration. 🤷‍♀️

SingedSoul · 27/04/2026 16:37

bonkersbongo · 26/04/2026 16:57

My mother was a drug addict most of her life. Then switched to being an alcoholic in her 30’s. Died of liver failure in her 40’s. She always told my sibling and I that our biological father died when I was 4 from a drug overdose. She fully blamed him for getting her hooked on drugs. Told us That he’d been a violent man and she felt nothing but relief when she found him dead.

when she died we came across my late fathers death certificate. And the cause of death was suicide by hanging.

This promoted my sibling to get in contact with our father’s side of the family who confirmed he took his life after our mother moved us away and into her affair partners home. She then voluntarily put us into care two weeks after he died.

That is an awful lot for you tongo through.

5128gap · 27/04/2026 16:37

Paganpentacle · 27/04/2026 16:01

Of course they're oblivious there's a chat on Mumsnet slagging off ALL men.
Why do you think they wouldn't care? Do you think men don't have feelings/emotions or worry about people's perceptions of them?
I'm not defending all men. I'm defending the good men I know that would care and be horrified.

Decent men do not take offence when women discuss bad men, or require explicit reassurance that they are an exception. Decent men know that if the cap doesn't fit them, they don't need to wear it.
Decent men would not dream of interrupting women talking about their experiences of abuse by men to complain that it wasn't fair that the women didn't say 'not all men..' and no decent man would expect you to do that on their behalf.
If your experience of men is that they need this type of defending from you, and would expect to be centred in a discussion of women's experience of bad men, then I'm sorry for you that you don't have decent men in your life. Because decent men would care and be horrified by what men have done to the women on here, not by what women are saying about men.

BeaRightThere · 27/04/2026 16:39

Carla786 · 27/04/2026 16:01

I agree women can be awfully cruel in abetting rape in these cases but that specific case seems to miss the point. It is highly unlikely all female armies would commit mass rape (or sexual assault if using the UK rape defonitian) against civilian men (in the hypothetical scenario I did in that AIBU were armies are all female due to men being immobilised in wartime situations)

It's extremely unlikely you could ever amass all female armies though, nor immobilise men. I haven't read your thread so perhaps I'm not following your premise.

My own feeling is that you would find all female armies capable of horrific acts of brutality too.

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 27/04/2026 16:40

When a female relatives mother died, she was clearing out the house with her father(who dm had been divorced from for many years, in fact they split just after she was born, he emigrated, but always sent maintenence). Her dm had told her df was dead, but when she was 18 told her he was alive.(they went on to be close). They found a cache of birthday, Christmas cards and presents, photos and letters he wrote regularly. She'd also told her that before he died, he never wanted to see her ever and regretted her being born.

Carla786 · 27/04/2026 16:46

redboxer321 · 27/04/2026 16:31

I was thinking more about the Soviets to be honest but I did say political systems so fair enough. Women did vote for the Nazis but they were only able to come to power thanks to the settlement imposed upon them at the end of WWI. A settlement imposed upon Germany by men.
I'm not excusing any women's actions if they behave in a cruel way. Just countering the women are as bad as, sometimes worse than, men arguement. Some are but generally I would say they are not and it's interesting to me at least to examine the reasons why all people who are cruel behave in that way.

Hmm...I agree definitely that claims that women are more cruel are suspect.

I challenge your claim about the Versailles settlement though. Yes, the treaty was very harsh. But that doesn't excuse voting for am extreme party like the Nazis.

And there are other interpretations of the Versailles settlement. It was very unfair to make civilians pay - really the Kaiser and politicians should have. But realistically France was smarting after a terrible invasion only 50 years after the Prussians doing the same, and it was really hard for Wilson & Lloyd George to get them to moderate. And Germany did cause a huge amount of suffering in WW1 - populations were clamouring for huge punishment and any PM with a hope of being elected had to punish them with some level of harshness.

Sorry this was my A Level History topic so I do tend to get on my soapbox! But it's complex...I'd recommend the historian Zara Steiner for extra info on how tricky the Versailles Treaty situation was.

TeenLifeMum · 27/04/2026 16:47

I’m not that old but if dh and I died in a car accident (ie. together) anyone clearing my bedside drawers would find some toys and probably be mortified 😬🙈

Paganpentacle · 27/04/2026 16:48

5128gap · 27/04/2026 16:37

Decent men do not take offence when women discuss bad men, or require explicit reassurance that they are an exception. Decent men know that if the cap doesn't fit them, they don't need to wear it.
Decent men would not dream of interrupting women talking about their experiences of abuse by men to complain that it wasn't fair that the women didn't say 'not all men..' and no decent man would expect you to do that on their behalf.
If your experience of men is that they need this type of defending from you, and would expect to be centred in a discussion of women's experience of bad men, then I'm sorry for you that you don't have decent men in your life. Because decent men would care and be horrified by what men have done to the women on here, not by what women are saying about men.

Wow.
You speak for ALL men?
Thank fuck for that.🙄

Looneytunez · 27/04/2026 16:50

Paganpentacle · 27/04/2026 14:12

Smug?
No. There's many dick-heads out there. I never said I'd never met them... ever worked night shifts in A/E?
I'm just not prepared to slag off half the population.
Because it is absolutely NOT all men.

You are being called out for NOT hating all men. Beware😆

redboxer321 · 27/04/2026 16:50

But that doesn't excuse voting for am extreme party like the Nazis.

Not an excuse but a reason.
Thanks for the book tip. It's a fascinating period of history which maybe I'll revisit someday. I'll leave it there as feel we're derailing now 🙂