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Finding horrible things when elderly people die. ***Edited by MNHQ to add: TW: contains details some may find upsetting including details of CSA***

520 replies

Dappy777 · Yesterday 14:16

Has anyone else cleaned out a loved one’s home and found horrible stuff?

Last year my father in law died. He was 78, had lived alone for several years and died suddenly. After his death, we went through the house and found a hidden stash of pornography. It wasn’t illegal, but the magazines were called things like ‘Babyface’ and ‘Just 18’. In other words, the models were as childlike as it was legally possible to photo. We also found several pornographic books and stuff he’d printed off the Internet. Again, it was all young and underage girls. My partner was very upset. His dad had an old laptop but my partner smashed and burned it (he was venting his anger). He said he didn’t want to know what was on there and that it was best if his father took any secrets to the grave.

Anyway, a neighbour recently told me a similar story, only in her case it was even darker. After her partner’s dad died, they found photos he had taken of young girls playing in a nearby park. She said it looked as if he’d taken them from his car. There were a lot, apparently, and she and her partner burnt everything.

I wonder how common this is? When my own father died, I found a bit of pornography, but it was all pretty tame and adult. Even that upset me though. In all three cases the men died suddenly. I suppose people with a terminal diagnosis have time to destroy such things.

OP posts:
CocteauTwin · Today 09:56

Yellowpapersun · Yesterday 18:06

One of my grandmothers was very prim and proper. She was very judgemental about the way other people lived their lives. One of my cousins was in a long term relationship with her partner, they just weren't married. She became pregnant with their much wanted and planned baby and grandmother went mad, saying the child would have no name and they were disgusting for having sex outside marriage. She never spoke to my cousin again (no loss, actually!).
When she died, my mum found her marriage certificate, that she'd always kept locked away. She wasn't married in 1927, as she told everyone, but 1928, so she was 6 months pregnant on her wedding day. I'd love to have found out before she died and let her know I knew!

My grandma was similarly disgusted when my sister moved in with her boyfriend.

We always knew our grandparents had a son who had died in infancy, but only discovered after they died that grandma was pregnant with this son when she got married. Our mum refused to believe it at first!

I try to remember this happened in very different times and they would have suffered great shame from their families. The good old days really weren’t all that great.

tamade · Today 10:02

Confuserr · Yesterday 15:02

When my father died unexpectedly I cleared out his house with my siblings. We found old football memorabilia and lists of things to do in the various seaside towns he would take us to as children, to which he'd added marks out of ten, and evidently kept forever.
Obviously horrible men exist but they are, of course, not 'all the same'.

That is quite touching

secretrocker · Today 10:15

Some of these are shocking. Have cleared out a few grandparents and parents house and not found anything remotely shocking or surprising.
Thankfully, I guess.

TheRealMagic · Today 10:16

Bigwelshlamb · Today 00:17

My H found a scrap book of absolutely everything he'd ever done... Clippings from newspapers, things from when he ran for an election, pictures with little explanations.. It was so sweet, it covered his whole life and she never ever said it out loud how proud she was but the scrapbook said everything. She also left all financials in his hands rather than his brother or sister because she knew he was the only one she could rely on to be absolutely fair, which he was. So it was all a confirmation of her love and trust in him despite never actually hearing the words. Conversely, I dread cleaning out my step Dads house because he is a vile pig and I absolutely know he has a huge stash of non vanilla pornography and sex toys etc as I found a bit of it when I cleaned out my Mum's stuff after her death which he could have saved me from by removing it, but didn't. He is a terrible man, really cruel and I hope I don't find anything I cannot unsee.. I will not switch his computer on either, straight in the bin with that but will however protect his ex wife (the new one after my Mum, now separated) from it all because she would be so hurt by it and she's a lovely person.

I feel I probably already know the answer to this, but... were there scrapbooks of the 'untrustworthy' brother and sister, or just of your DH?

Paganpentacle · Today 10:16

Itsahardknocklifeforus · Yesterday 16:26

That is so sad.
I stopped buying a parent gifts because they made a tiny hole in the wrapping paper, wouldl take a guess at what it was and declare they didnt need it! One year, I bought something I thought would be used and appreciated. I was told to take it away with me when I was leaving. After that I bought nothing more than a box of chocs.

I'd be gutted for that to happen to me.... I'd never do it to my children. How sad. I'm so sorry x

TorroFerney · Today 10:16

Crikey it makes me glad that my mother is an avid clearer outer and keeps nothing. Having said that, I did as a child at different times find pornographic magazines, a video and an absolutely enormous black vibrator so I’ve done my share already!

researchers3 · Today 10:20

bonkersbongo · Yesterday 16:57

My mother was a drug addict most of her life. Then switched to being an alcoholic in her 30’s. Died of liver failure in her 40’s. She always told my sibling and I that our biological father died when I was 4 from a drug overdose. She fully blamed him for getting her hooked on drugs. Told us That he’d been a violent man and she felt nothing but relief when she found him dead.

when she died we came across my late fathers death certificate. And the cause of death was suicide by hanging.

This promoted my sibling to get in contact with our father’s side of the family who confirmed he took his life after our mother moved us away and into her affair partners home. She then voluntarily put us into care two weeks after he died.

How awful. I'm so sorry.

researchers3 · Today 10:24

Over40Overdating · Today 09:47

As always on any thread where the secret lives of men is revealed we have the great men defenders. The NAMALTS. The how dare you my Derek is not like thats.

You are as much a part of the problem as the men. Because your need to intrude on someone else’s trauma with your self righteousness is why so many disgusting men get to hide in plain sight. To insinuate ‘well your father/husband/brother was disgusting so you are just conditioned to finding those men, not like me and my saintly men’ is victim blaming.

How many men who have been revealed as monsters were pillars of society with a wife and children who knew nothing?

The best you can ever say is your husband, father, brother is not like that to your knowledge. You will never know what they do in their private time like many on here until you are faced with evidence.

As to the ‘ackshully it wasn’t 62 million men’ - you are a disgrace. 1 man visiting a website like that is too many.

Men accessing barely legal porn is not harmless. It has spiralled into teenagers - children - being featured on main stream porn sites. Young girls being pressured into doing this content because ‘it’s fine, you’re 16/17’.

And we will continue to differentiate between porn and CSAM. It is not silly, it’s quite the opposite.

Porn, whatever your personal opinions, can be done consensually and even enthusiastically by consenting adults.
To call anything with children in it porn gives those who want to tell themselves they are not doing anything wrong accessing that content an excuse. Children cannot consent. It is all CSAM. That is the distinction we need to hammer home.

It never fails to boggle me that a site that endlessly villainises the existence of trans women because ‘they are all just perverts who want to harm women’ is the same site where any account of how badly men treat women will be flooded with NAMALT and how dare you insinuate every man is a threat.

Fantastic post, I agree.

Just to add, it was 62 million a month, not annually, not ever.

TheFarmatLittletown · Today 10:26

nopiesleftinthisvehicle · Yesterday 16:34

You beat me to it.
We need to keep saying this.

I worked for the police as of 2018 and in their training they referred to it as 'Child Porn'. Yes, 2018 you read that right (not 1980).
I did point it out.

DisgruntledofTunbridge · Today 10:27

Mine are hoarders and both their houses (it's complicated) are chock-full of stuff. UK house is full of my mother's 'collections', mostly pottery. And books. And clothes, even though she tries to cull them. House abroad in my father's home country is mostly full of broken old crap in the huge garage and basement - broken furniture, old textiles, mattresses etc. All smelly with cat pee from the feral cat colony. Apparently it's 'impossible' to contact local authorities to remove. We need a skip! (maybe two skips) I shudder at the idea of having to go through the contents of two houses, a lifetime's worth of never throwing anything away, at a time when I'm grieving and vulnerable. Maybe she'll let me help her get rid of things soon. God, Stuff is so bloody emotionally charged!

Anyway, no illicit porn and I don't expect to find any, but in an ancient safe that couldn't be opened for decades in the abroad house, we recently had it drilled open and found a small handgun and box of bullets! Belonging to my long-dead grandfather who had it in the war to fend off wolves in the backcountry, apparently. That was a diverting day, contacting the local police to come and get it! Grin

Bigwelshlamb · Today 10:30

TheRealMagic · Today 10:16

I feel I probably already know the answer to this, but... were there scrapbooks of the 'untrustworthy' brother and sister, or just of your DH?

Sadly, just my DH... His sister had a lot of stuff from her childhood as she used to compete in dancing competitions at a high level and that was all there but nothing about his brother at all...to be fair he's had the same job since he was 16 and is retiring next month! My H is a bit of an over achiever, army politics high profile stuff.. but my point is he had no idea about this in her lifetime and he hasn't told his siblings about the book. His sister disappeared for years after stealing lots of money from them so his Mum knew she couldn't be trusted with that sort of thing. His brother just would not be able to handle it, he's not dull but he has no coping chips. All that said, they would be hurt if they knew about it and they aren't my favourite people but I've no wish to rub salt into the wound. Clearly my H was the favourite child but if you'd asked anyone out side of the family, it was his sister who was favoured and spoilt materially. My point is you don't really know people, your impression of them is just that.

Forthesteps · Today 10:35

researchers3 · Today 10:24

Fantastic post, I agree.

Just to add, it was 62 million a month, not annually, not ever.

I'm NOT a great man defender thank you. Proud feminist [ and trans ally] who will point out and condemn misogyny wherever I see it and who has no truck with porn. Which despite the fantasies is almost never fully consensual given power dynamics.
But I have a congenital aversion to lazy thinking that says " oh ALL X group are like this", end of story, nothing to be done.
It's a counsel of despair.
Even one is too many. Yes. But they don't have to be.

TheFarmatLittletown · Today 10:46

HeadDeskHeadDesk · Yesterday 17:14

As I don’t want sex toys to be discovered (I’m ancient), I’m sticking with an electric toothbrush.

😂😂😂

Ouch, that sounds a little abrasive. I hope you wrap it in a sock or something?

Tingletip,I hope!I curse myself for not inventing these when I discovered that toothbrushes can be used for other things, round about the mid-nineties!

TheFarmatLittletown · Today 10:52

Catsarestillflumpy · Yesterday 17:37

Most men like barely legal girls. He’s not an outlier. Research has shown this. Most men are secret almost paedophiles. God knows I’ve come across many - ‘can you dress in school uniform,’ can you pretend to be 16, can you pretend to be my daughter’s best friend.’ Men are relentless

I have personal experience in the sex industry, and this is true IME.
Society perpeptuates it. Glorifying youthfulness of women. Of course some is cultural, some is also nature (youth=fertility) but overall it is grotty and sick. I commend Victoria's Secret for its openly 40+ models. Even though some would find issue with the way they look (not like your typical 40 year old woman that's for sure).

TeaDrinkings · Today 10:56

When my MIL passed away, we found about 50 tins of vegetable soup. Some were 10 years old.

We also found paperwork showing that my late FIL was a Flight Sergeant with the RAF during WW2. Neither of them ever mentioned it!

£4,600 was hidden in tens and twenties within the pages of dozens and dozens of books. Some were out of date. We had to take them to The Bank of England to convert them. Nice suprise. Nothing horrible thankfully.

BauhausOfEliott · Today 11:11

bubblepink2749 · Yesterday 14:21

Sick. They’re all the same.

Don't be silly.

Over40Overdating · Today 11:14

Forthesteps · Today 10:35

I'm NOT a great man defender thank you. Proud feminist [ and trans ally] who will point out and condemn misogyny wherever I see it and who has no truck with porn. Which despite the fantasies is almost never fully consensual given power dynamics.
But I have a congenital aversion to lazy thinking that says " oh ALL X group are like this", end of story, nothing to be done.
It's a counsel of despair.
Even one is too many. Yes. But they don't have to be.

I tell you what @Forthesteps, I’ll give up my ‘lazy thinking’ when the men who are not like that are as vociferous in their condemnation of the men who are, as women who love to shout NAMALT. That’s who I have a ‘congenital aversion’ to.

I have no fantasies regarding porn. I do know that as long as there is binary thinking that swears no women has ever happily consented to the making or participation in it, those who are coerced into it will never be helped. If you want to preach about lazy thinking start there.

It might do you more good than shining your halo.

MrsShawnHatosy · Today 11:19

DidILeaveTheGasOn · Yesterday 15:23

Bit baffled at the shock that people might have a g string, Viagra or condoms. I have vibrators in my bedside table, if I die tomorrow will the person clearing my things be absolutely horrified at the depravity?

This. I’ve got a couple of vibrators and a book of positions (with not really explicit photos) in my bedside table drawer!

Paganpentacle · Today 11:19

Liberancho · Yesterday 19:24

FGS at the 'no they are not' comments.

WE KNOW NAMLT!! But why can't you just let it be. Thankfully, I have not suffered any sexual violence or violence of any kind at the hands of a man. But many many have. If you see a comment like 'they are all the same'.. Let it be.

No need for your confirmation of a fact ffs.

FGS. There's also no need to be tarring ALL men with the same brush.
Let it be.
No need for your confirmation of suspicion..FFS.

sashh · Today 11:23

This is reminding me of an episode of 'Queer as folk'. A young gay man has passed away and his friends 'borrow' the keys to his house so his mum won't see anything that might upset her.

Limth · Today 11:28

A friend of mine was clearing out her mum's house after she died and found loads of little notes that her mum had written to her sister (my friend's aunt) when they were children in the 1960s.

Apparently they used to put notes in each others lunch boxes or under each other pillows or pass them to each other when they were watching TV every so often.

They were mostly horrible and childish😂

The two women split them randomly between them and kept a stack each. The aunt put them all in frames and now has a hallway full of little notes from the 1960s saying things like "You're a fat cow", "I don't like your hair" or random musings about good-looking, long-forgotten boys 😅

waterSpider · Today 11:40

researchers3 · Today 10:24

Fantastic post, I agree.

Just to add, it was 62 million a month, not annually, not ever.

Educate yourself.
It was 62m monthly visits to a broad website, covering the usual range of porn stuff.
And about 1,000 in a specific forum about sleep-induced stuff.
Evidence: CNN reported on 'online rape academy,' but '62M men' figure misrepresents findings | Snopes.com

CNN reported on 'online rape academy,' but '62M men' figure misrepresents findings

Users shared the claim in April 2026 following a months-long CNN investigation into the dark online world of drugging and sexually assaulting women.

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/cnn-online-rape-academy/

Paganpentacle · Today 11:40

CharleneElizabethBaltimore · Yesterday 23:13

the nurse one i can accept, but the naughty school one needs banning

I'm a nurse. Its many many decades since I was on a ward in a uniform but despite it being knee length and no stockings involved there would still be old men (always the old ones) trying to cop a feel...

Connectedw · Today 11:40

When my grandma died, I got given a load of letters that were written between her and my mum (they lived in different countries). Within this bunch of letters, there were also some that my grandma had sent my grandpa when she came to stay to look after us for a bit when my mum died. My brothers and I were all very young. One letter described how much she didn’t like us and how awfully
we were behaving that week. This was back in the 80s when kids were told to just get on with it after a bereavement. She wrote about how she couldn’t wait to leave and head home because we were such terrible children… no thought at all to the fact that our mum had just died.

I ripped up all the letters and threw them away.

fluffiphlox · Today 11:41

Gardenalia · Today 09:39

Only hate for men darling - women, children, animals, art, nature I love! And my life is wonderful thanks: clean, good and calm. Because there’s no man in it 😊. I can concede that there are some men who are not toxic in their sexual nature, and loads who are good fathers and colleagues that make a net positive contribution to the world. But I won’t stop calling out how foul the majority are at the same time, however much foolish women like you want to pretend otherwise.

And yes I’ve seen your ‘bitter’ and raised you ‘foolish’

Edited

So do you stop loving the boy children when they become men?

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